"Who's Colin?"
"Eddie, it's nothing.” She took the notebook and tossed it onto the floor.
"Your ex-boyfriend? The one you never talk about?"
She waved a hand. “Yeah. But that's over with. He doesn't matter.” She tried to run her fingers across Eddie's face and calm the irritation growing there.
"Why are you making lists about him? About him and me?"
"It's nothing. It's just...” How could she explain? “It's something I do sometimes, to sort things out."
"What needs sorting out? Are you still in love with him?"
"I—I don't know. It's complicated."
"I thought you said it was over."
"It is.” And it isn't.
His voice softened then. “Then tell me about it. About him. Let me in, Ash. For once."
"There's nothing to tell,” she whispered. “Really."
Eddie punched the arm of the loveseat. “Dammit! You never tell me anything about who you are. Nothing. I sit here and tell you all about the accident that ripped my life in half, all about the brother I lost, and you can't even talk to me about your ex? What is it? You don't trust me?"
With every word, his voice raised, until he was shouting.
"That's not it,” Ash began. “I just...” I can't get into it, she wanted to say. I can't tell you about Colin without telling you about my father. And I can't tell you about my father without telling you my real name. And then you'll know I've been lying to you all along.
Eddie stared at her for another minute. Then he shot to a stand. “If you can't trust me, then there's no way this will work. Ever."
Tears bubbled up to the surface, and Ash looked away in case they fell. She couldn't think of a single thing to say.
"You know, I'm not stupid. I know you came to Paradise because something chased you out of Boston. I know you're running away from something. Or someone.” His voice shook. “And I don't care. I've never pushed. But if you can't even begin to tell me about it—"
Eddie's voice broke a little, and he didn't finish, just retraced his steps to the front door and shut it quietly behind him.
That was what happened when you let yourself get involved, Ash thought. Her chest tightened. She never should have kissed him. She never should have become friends with him in the first place.
But it was too late for that, and she knew it. Ash sat up and stared at her door, willing it open again. Suddenly, she wanted to confess everything. She wanted to look into those dark eyes and know Eddie didn't care where she came from or who she really was. She wanted to feel his mouth on hers again. She wanted him to fold his arms around her and tell her everything would be okay.
But she didn't know if it would be.
Chapter Sixteen
Twenty-four hours of heartless rain poured down. It soaked the roof, bled through the cracks around the windows, seeped into Ash's bedroom in the form of dreary dampness. She rearranged her furniture. Twice. She took all the recyclables to the store, careful to avoid looking at Eddie's door on the way there and back. She rearranged her CD collection. She drove all the way over to Burnt Hills, a leftover hippie colony past Silver Creek rumored to have the best hummus in the state.
Finally, she gave in and called her mother.
"Ashton!” Mamie Kirk's voice wobbled. “Where have you been?"
"I'm sorry.” She curled into a ball on the loveseat and stared at the ceiling. “It's just ... I needed to take a little break from things back home. It was getting a little crazy.” Getting crazy? Already way beyond, if you want the truth.
"Jess said you're subletting a place in New Hampshire?” Doubt crept into her mother's voice and hung there, waiting for Ash to correct her, to say that no, Jess was wrong, she wouldn't do something so un-Kirk-like.
"Mm hmm,” Ash said instead.
"You've heard about your father? About the charges being dropped?"
I've heard.
"We'd like to make a statement to the press,” she went on when Ash didn't respond. “At the house on Martha's Vineyard. The vice-president will be there next week, and we're planning on joining him and his wife for a few days."
God, no. Ash squeezed her eyes shut. Less than three months away from that life, and it already seemed foreign to her, as if she'd never lived it at all.
"So will you be there?"
"I don't think—"
"Ash, your father needs all of us together. As a family. You know the nomination is—"
"I know.” The most important thing in his life right now. And that's why he needs the shiny, happy faces of his wife and daughters with him when the cameras start snapping.
"I'm working,” she said instead of answering. “I'm not sure I can get away."
Mamie didn't answer, a quick little intake of breath the only indication that she'd heard. “Well ... what do you mean, exactly? You're not ... you haven't taken a position with another firm, have you? Not up there?"
Oh, how that would complicate things. Ash almost smiled. She could just picture the headline: Youngest Kirk daughter turns down prestigious job in Boston only to slum in the hills of New Hampshire. Part of her wanted to tell her mother just where she spent her working hours. It's a jazz club, in a blue-collar town. I serve people food and then clean up after them. Want me to issue a statement to the press about that? But she kept her mouth closed.
"We'll be at the Vineyard next week,” her mother said. “I'm sure you can take some time off.” She paused. “Colin has asked if he can join us."
"What?” Ash sat straight up. “No. No way.” How dare he try to weasel his way back into my life? That's what the phone call was all about. He doesn't miss me. He misses the Kirk name. He misses the reputation. That's all. Her cheeks burned with anger. “Forget it."
"Ash, please—"
"He broke up with me, Mom. Did you even know that? That Colin dumped me right after everything happened with Dad? That he was sleeping with someone else until last week?"
"Well, I...” Her mother choked off into silence.
"Tell Dad I'm sorry,” Ash said. “I wish I could be there. I do. But I can't.” I can't play that charade, shrug that life on again like a skin that just slipped off for a few weeks. It's not that easy.
"I'm sorry you feel that way.” Mamie hiccupped once, but Ash could hear her smoothing her voice, ratcheting down any emotion that might betray her.
The way she always does. The way she probably always will.
"I'll have Jess or Anne give you a call next week,” she went on, as if Ash hadn't refused to join them at the Kirk vacation home, but simply said she needed to check her calendar. “Maybe you can find some time to work us in."
"Mom, listen. It's not that I don't want to be there for Dad. I just..."
"I know. You have a life of your own, and you want to live it. I understand that."
Ash weakened a little.
"But your father needs your support. Is that too much to ask?"
Ash didn't answer. She didn't know. And when her mother hung up a moment later, all she really knew was that she felt exhausted beyond belief, squeezed tight and wrung out, like laundry left too long in the rain.
* * * *
"Evenin', boss.” J.T. flashed Ash a smile as she pushed her way into Blues and Booze. The stupid umbrella she'd grabbed from her car had lasted exactly thirty seconds before it pulled itself inside out and went twisting down the sidewalk away from her.
She ignored his greeting and stomped through the bar, checking the orders and the cash register before making her way to the kitchen.
"Well, somebody's got her panties in a knot,” she heard behind her. One of the guys at the bar, she supposed. Probably Jackson Todd. Or maybe Frank Mulligan. J.T.'s cronies often hung out after their shifts at the cheese factory, slurping down a few beers before going home to their wives.
She didn't even bother to turn around. Get it together, Ash. A bad mood isn't going to get you anywhere. It's not their fault your life is a total mess ri
ght now. You have work to do. So do it.
She grabbed a clipboard and pulled open the coolers in the back, making notes as she went down each shelf. “More apple pie, more double-chocolate torte, still enough cheesecake..."
"Ash?” Lacey waltzed into the kitchen. “Carla just called. Said she can't make it tonight. Car trouble or something."
"You're kidding.” Their newest waitress, a single mother of two, had called in late three times in the last week. I'm telling Marty to get rid of her. Can't depend on her, she might as well look somewhere else for a job. I'll pick up extra shifts if I have to.
Lacey started making salads, draping them loosely with plastic wrap and storing them in the refrigerator. “Sorry."
Ash shrugged. “We'll deal. Rain might keep people away, anyway."
"Remember that Ladies’ Day idea you were talking about?” Lacey asked. She dumped out the afternoon's coffee and started another pot.
Ash nodded. She'd thought about opening the restaurant on Sunday afternoons, offering specials for Paradise's wives and girlfriends whose men spent the day staring at eight straight hours of baseball. Maybe introduce a vegetarian dish or two. Maybe get one of the local salons to offer manicures or something. She didn't know any of the girls who worked in Hair Heaven or Nails and Tails, but she supposed she could ask around.
Ash bit her bottom lip as a thought snuck its way in. That wasn't exactly true, was it? She knew Cass worked at one of the salons in Paradise.
"Hi yourself, Cassandra. What the hell are you doing here?"
"Stopping by to say hi, that's all ... It's been a while. You haven't even stopped by the salon..."
Cassandra. And Eddie. That thought hurt.
"Ash?"
"Sorry.” She jumped, and the pencil slipped from her fingers. “What?"
Lacey gave her a funny look. “I was talking to my housemates about it. They think the Sunday thing's a great idea. They'd definitely come."
"Oh. Well, good. Maybe I'll mention it to Marty, see what he thinks."
Lacey nodded and pushed her way through the swinging door. “Let me know if I can help. I wouldn't mind picking up another shift."
Ash straightened her shirt and grabbed a fresh stack of order slips. Deep down, she hoped the rain brought people in today, rather than kept them away. That way, she might be able to keep her mind on juggling trays instead of botched kisses and awkward telephone conversations she didn't know how to sort out. Ash spent another ten minutes sorting through napkins and tablecloths in the back. Then she filled two pitchers of ice water and walked into the dining room.
"Could we have some menus?"
"I asked for Absolut, not Stoli."
"I thought tonight's special was going to be chicken."
Ash stopped and stared. Three-quarters of the restaurant was packed with people escaping the storm.
"Can you believe this?” Lacey whizzed by on her way to the kitchen. “I've never seen a night like this."
Neither had Ash.
"Came in for the meatloaf,” June Frisbie confided, as she stopped by the elderly woman's table. “Saw it on the board outside and couldn't resist."
"Glad to hear it,” Ash said. She leaned against a chair and smiled. “Don't know if there's enough back there for everyone, but I'll make sure to set aside an extra-large serving for you.” She bent closer and aimed her voice at the woman's hearing aid. “Make sure to save some for Dobber and Jones."
The woman broke out in a huge smile at the mention of her two beloved poodles. “Oh, I will.” She patted Ash on the wrist. “Dear, you're the best thing that's happened to this place since Marty took it over. I hope you'll be staying a while."
Ash moved on without answering.
"Ash!” A heavyset man dressed in head-to-toe camouflage waved her over.
"Hi, guys.” She nodded a hello to the three farmers, portly and red-cheeked. “Nice to see you.” She glanced at their empty table. “Need a pitcher of Bud?"
The men nodded in unison. “Better make it two."
"Coming right up."
She headed for the bar and checked in with J.T. “What do you need?"
"Another set of hands would be nice."
She cracked a smile. “Wish I could.” But she slipped behind the bar and started pouring drinks and filling pitchers. “Give you a few minutes, anyway."
Lacey flashed back to the bar, slim legs trotting faster than Ash had ever seen them move. The young girl loaded up a tray, grabbed some cocktail napkins, and took off again.
"She's working her tail off tonight,” Ash noted, glad to see it.
"Nice tail it is, too,” one of the guys at the bar guffawed.
Ash pointed a finger in his direction. “Watch it,” she joked, with a serious squint of the eyes. She recognized him but couldn't come up with a name. Give me another hour and I'll remember it for the rest of the summer. Once again, she was glad the photographic memory that had served her so well in college was coming in handy.
"Ash?” The new Blues and Booze hostess, a meek woman of forty, shuffled over. Behind her, a crowd of people jostled for space in the restaurant's narrow lobby. “We just got a party of twelve. Can we take them?"
"Let me see.” She surveyed the dining room. “I think Gus Masterson'll move if I ask him to, and the Wallaces just decided they're getting take-out instead of staying, so we'll push those tables together and..."
* * * *
"There.” Three hours later, Ash set down the bill for table nineteen and exhaled. Her feet ached. Her throat was raw. Her shirt stuck to her lower back. Her hair had fallen from its ponytail and hung around her face. She rolled her neck. Well, at least the rush had kept her mind off anything except running orders, replacing napkins, and filling empty glasses. What next? She looked around for a table to clear, a new party to seat. But the room was quiet. Finally.
She took a few minutes to drink a tall glass of water and then found Lacey in the kitchen. “Are we actually finished?"
The girl smiled. Her eyes shone with fatigue. “I think so. God, I never saw such a rush."
"Me neither."
The waitress pulled a wad of bills from her pocket. “Definitely over a hundred."
"Good for you.” Ash sagged against the salad bar, exhausted.
Lacey eyed her. “You okay? You were running like crazy tonight, too."
"Tell me about it."
The college student pulled off her apron and headed for the door. “You're good at this, you know. I mean, I know you're probably not staying around Paradise forever, but still...” She shrugged. “You'd be good at running a restaurant. If you ever wanted to."
Ash didn't say anything. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. She did like being in charge. She liked the social part of the job. And there was a lot less stress involved in keeping customers happy than memorizing cases or prepping briefs, even on a night like tonight. But a lifetime of it? She thought she'd probably go a little stir-crazy.
"You can head home, Lace,” she said without answering the girl's question. She glanced at the time clock. Almost nine on a Tuesday, and Eddie hadn't stopped in. He always comes in on Tuesdays after work. Always, since the second day I worked here.
But could she blame him for staying away? He hadn't called or come upstairs since their fight, over twenty-four hours earlier. She thought again of the anger in his voice, the disappointment in his gaze, as he waited for her to talk about Colin. About her past. About her family.
He had no idea what he was asking her. Something clutched inside her chest, and she bent over in pain.
"Ash? You okay?"
"Yeah,” she said, waiting for the feeling to pass. “Just a cramp. I'll be fine."
Eddie. Mom. Dad. The Vineyard. Blues and Booze. Ash stared at her toes. How had her life become this complicated? Four months ago, she'd been a regular law student, with a regular boyfriend, and a regular job awaiting her. Today she had none of that. She had nothing to count on, no predictability beyond her weekly
shift schedule. Most mornings, she didn't even know the woman who stared back at her from the mirror.
How on earth had she gotten herself so far away from her life as a Kirk? And where was she headed from here?
Chapter Seventeen
The rain broke around eleven, and by the time Ash left the restaurant a little after midnight, the moon had begun to sneak its way through the clouds.
It changes in an instant. She stepped over puddles that caught the reflection of the trees lining the parking lot. One minute everything's dreary, and the next there's light every place you look.
She sighed and sank into her car without turning it on. Or the other way around. Bright to black in a heartbeat.
He hadn't shown. She'd waited all night for Eddie to walk through the front door, almost certain he'd come. Certain he wanted to right things. Certain he felt the same way she did, shaken up and fizzy, but wanting to hold on to whatever had started up on the porch roof two nights ago.
Maybe this time she was wrong. With leaden fingers, Ash turned the key in the ignition. No more problems with her car, that was for sure. Since Eddie had worked his magic on it, it hadn't so much as purred the wrong way.
"I, on the other hand...” she said aloud. She managed to break things before they even showed signs of cracking.
She pulled out of the lot and made a left instead of a right. She didn't want to go home. Not right away. Not if it meant looking at Eddie's closed door and wanting more than anything to knock and tell him her secrets.
Maybe he won't think I'm crazy. Maybe he won't care that I lied to him about my name. Maybe he'll understand if I tell him why.
And maybe he wouldn't.
Ash swung into a new development on the edge of town, slowing as she passed the bi-level homes. She wondered who lay sleeping inside them. Newlyweds? Single moms trying to keep it all together? Happy families with perfect lives? Or hardworking laborers trying to piece together a living the way their parents and grandparents had? She rolled down the windows and fresh air poured inside.
Barely a sound filled the night air. Just the hum of air conditioners and the occasional chirp of a restless bird carried through the evening. She imagined for a moment the constant buzz of the city—the mix of cars and voices and music from dance clubs—that would fill the streets of Boston at that hour.
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