Micah is caressing my hand, while my heart goes wild. We have to talk; there is so much I want to tell him.
“You found me? How did you know I was in that club?” I ask, trying to ignore the thick layers of desire that make their way to my heart. He is distracting me from the pain, but as soon as I ask the question, his face pales, and he drops his head down.
“You know that Micah has his ways,” Tequila says, smiling. “It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, Tahlia. You’re back and I won’t let you leave this time.”
“We’re sorry that you were taken,” Kiki adds.
“It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault,” I say. “One of Rudolf’s guys took me. That guy Tahir kept guard over me in a posh apartment, saying that Rudolf was on his way, but I escaped. I stabbed him, stole his gun and ran,” I say, remembering all the bits and pieces. I’m weak, but once the painkillers start to kick in I tell them everything that happened. I tell them about not remembering the address, about my fear for their lives. I tell them about the robbery in the betting shop, about finding a hotel room and my new plan. Micah is silent; he just stares at me with that warmth, still touching me.
“Then you got hired by Rob, pretending that you were Rudolf’s ex. Well, Janine, I have to give it to you. That was impressive, but also incredibly stupid,” Hunter interrupts me, shaking his head. Tequila is eyeing him with her sharp eyes and she doesn’t look too happy.
“Hunter, listen to me for a second. I know this isn’t the time or place right now, but I have to tell you something,” I say, taking a deep breath. Micah frowns, looking at me with a mixture of compassion and confusion.
“Tahlia, you don’t owe him an explanation. You just need to rest, it’s better if you don’t talk,” he says. I shut my eyes, trying to deal with these emotions that are rippling through me. I’m done with lies; I can’t pretend to be someone else. These are my friends, people that I care about.
“Hunter, it’s me, Rose, Josh’s ex. The girl that you spared once, four years ago, the girl he made you take to the hole. I got the job in the club because I knew that Josh would come. I knew he would want to finish what he started a couple of months ago and I was ready to kill him first.”
Micah looks even more confused, but these words finally begin to sink in and he pulls away from me. Maybe he finally understands. Maybe he finally puts two and two together, like Hunter. He opens his mouth, but he doesn’t seem to make a sound. The silence kills me, but now everyone knows. Now I just have to break the rest of the truth to Micah. It’s time. He deserves the truth, the final cruel truth.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Pain
“No, you’re Janine or Tahlia. You can’t be Rose ... anyone, but not her,” Hunter keeps repeating, looking at me, stunned. I can’t look at him. Our pasts are scarred, and he knows what I have been through. He understands. He was the only person that was ever kind to me, and in the past few days I have been lying to him. I dart my eyes at Micah. He understands too. Finally, after so many years he gets it. There is so much to explain, so much to go through.
“It’s a very long story, Hunter, but right now I need some time alone with Micah, please. Tequila, can you take everyone out to the waiting room?” I ask, trying to lift myself up, but my body doesn’t seem to listen. Sharp pain shifts over my chest, and spine. Micah seems frozen in time, just standing by my bed as the obliterating silence hovers between us.
Tequila nods and pushes Hunter out, and Kiki follows her. Now it’s just me and Micah. I sigh loudly, lifting my hand, hoping that he won’t hate me for keeping the truth away from him for years. Micah’s eyes are bloodshot and his skin is pale. He seems tired, like he hasn’t slept for days.
“Tahlia, what did you mean by Josh’s ex?” he asks, barely whispering. He lifts the chair by the window and brings it closer to me, waiting for an explanation. I should still be furious with him. But we both have been through a lot, and I don’t think I can keep hating him. Maybe after so many years we are finally even. Hating him won’t change anything. After all, he ruined his whole career just to get me out.
“Josh is Rudolf, the rat, the person that did all those horrible things to me. It was always him. He’s the gangster that you have been after,” I say, knowing that I should have explained everything earlier, when we met in Braxton, when I still had a chance to be honest.
Micah’s blood drains from his face and he gets up from his chair, running his hands through his hair nervously. He is fighting this, probably thinking that I’m lying to him. Josh was his best friend.
“No, no … he didn’t, he couldn’t have—”
“Micah, I know that he was your best mate, but you need to understand that he was bad from very beginning. He was always competing with you. He needed to be better than you and he always wanted to have power. When we met, everything was all right, but things changed after he started dealing drugs. Then you left, and I stayed with him. He moved from the estate and started calling himself Rudolf. I’m so sorry, Micah. I should have told you sooner, explained everything, but I started a new life in Braxton and then things got complicated,” I say, knowing that it’s not my place to apologise. Maybe now we can start over, after he understands that we both have been betrayed.
Micah keeps shaking his head, pacing around the room. There must be so many things going through his mind, and this is only part of the truth. Am I strong enough to tell him everything?
“Josh was a good person; he wouldn’t have killed all these people and tortured you,” he argues. “I knew him since we were kids.”
“I know it’s hard for you to understand this, but he is evil. He played you and everyone else. When we first met, he promised to help me, to take me away from my mother. She was a crack addict and she was starving and abusing my siblings. I trusted him, believed that he was honest and kind. In the beginning he treated me well, and at one point I thought I loved him,” I admit, recalling a few good times that I had with him. Everything started when Micah left town, when Josh didn’t have to worry about his reputation anymore.
“Oh my God … Jesus Christ. Josh. He’s Rudolf? How is this even possible?” he asks. “That man, my friend hurt you and then lent you to his mates, just so they could have some fun?”
I can see Micah does not believe his own words, or in that story. I understand, it’s a lot to take in. I will crush him completely if I tell him everything, the raw and painful truth. Am I allowed to be that cruel? It’s been eight long years and now he is finally going to get answers.
“He was always jealous of you. I was his puppet from the beginning. It all came crashing down when it was too late. He put on an act around you, around his family and friends. Everything changed when you started dating Steph,” I rasp out, desperately wanting to hold him, but it’s not fair. I can’t ask him to be supporting me after the way I’ve treated him.
“What does Steph have to do with him? She was my girlfriend and he was my friend. And if we know Rudolf’s identity, then it’s time to go to the police, turn ourselves in. They won’t lock you up, I won’t let them,” he says, suddenly.
“No, we can’t go to the police, Micah. You don’t understand. They won’t help us. Josh has people everywhere. Even Lee, the guy that put me in the protection programme, was in his pocket. He was the one that kidnapped me, that day when the fire alarm went off. Josh killed people just to gain respect. He created his own little empire.”
“Christ, Josh. I just can’t believe this. If I hadn’t left, then maybe I could have prevented him from turning into a criminal. I would have saved you,” he growls, and then I can’t take this anymore. I have to tell him the rest, the real truth.
“He killed Steph; he murdered her, Micah,” I shoot back, as pain numbs me for a second. I shouldn’t be moving, but I can’t keep this secret inside me any longer. He needs to know, he has to know. “I should have told you the truth sooner, but I couldn’t. Things were complicated then and I lost you.”
; Micah widens his eyes and then frowns. He is confused, still not getting what I’m really trying to tell him. Then he slides down on the floor, grabbing his hair and tangling it with rage. My heart is breaking slowly, and I feel so hopeless, so lost. All I want is to touch him, to make it all go away.
“Steph, my Steph ... he couldn’t. Josh wouldn’t have killed the love of my life,” he whispers, sobbing. I have never seen him crying or being emotional. Every part of me wants to take it all back, start over.
“He wanted her for himself, Micah. He couldn’t stand the fact that you were happy. One night someone told him that she was studying in her friend’s house for an exam. He climbed up the drainpipe in the middle of the night and he slashed her throat. I was sleeping when he came back. His hands were covered with blood,” I say, remembering everything like it was yesterday. “He confessed and then hit me and put a knife to my throat, telling me that if I say anything to anyone he would kill me. He had such power over me. I was so scared of him.”
Micah just stands there staring back with the most oblivious look on his face. The pain shuts my body down, prevents me from going to him. The painkillers aren’t working anymore. At the same time I’m asking myself the same question over and over. Am I ready to deal with the consequences?
“All these years, all these years I have been asking myself the same question—why her? Why she had to die…and he ... oh God,” he mumbles, crying.
“That night when I came to speak to you, I wanted to tell you, but Josh tracked me down. He knew what I was planning. That night he drove away to some abandoned house and I thought he was going to kill me,” I continue. Tears are streaming down my face. “It was the worst day of my life, because the rat didn’t do anything to me. Instead he promised to find all my siblings and bring their heads on a silver platter. He described in detail what he was planning to do to them until I couldn’t take it anymore, until I was so petrified that I promised him to be loyal and never say anything to anyone.”
Micah lifts himself off the floor and walks up to me, sitting back in the chair next to the bed and taking my hand.
“It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. I should have seen through his bullshit and I didn’t,” he says. “I can’t bear that I was so blind. I can’t bear that I let him become such a monster. I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you.”
“He deceived many people, but this wasn’t your fault. And when I ran away from Lee, I didn’t want to hide anymore, so I decided to kill Josh myself, while working in the club. I spread the word, knowing that he would come for me. That piece of shit deserves the worst. Prison is not an option; he needs to suffer.”
Micah gets up, wiping his tears away and clenching his fists. I want to do something to calm him down, but this cruel truth must be ripping him to pieces. In that moment I regret that I said anything, but at the same time I couldn’t keep this from him any longer. Our connection—love—whatever we had won’t be any use if that bastard keeps living in this world. We will never get our closure. Or be safe.
“I have to go, Tahlia. I need some time to understand what went down over the last few days and process all that happened and why she had to die. And you need to get better because you can’t stay here in the hospital. It’s too dangerous. The police are looking for us. It’s just a matter of time before they find the links.” He sighs, looking away and squeezing my hands tighter.
I shake my head. I can’t let him leave now. The rat is still after me, but now at least we are all back together. Some days I can’t believe that I managed to get away from Josh, that I have a new life. After all, he was just a boy from the same estate, the boy that saved me from my crack addict mother. I wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t met him. There would have been so many options and so many other possibilities.
“Micah, please don’t go. You have to stay and talk to me,” I say. “Hunter doesn’t understand any of it, and I owe him an explanation. He saved my life.”
“I have to be somewhere right now, Tahlia,” he says, shaking his head. He sounds so angry, and I can’t imagine what is going through his mind right now.
I force my body to lift myself up, but I’m so weak, and everything hurts. “No, you can’t leave now. There is nothing that you can do. Josh is hiding. We all have to stick together for now, until we figure out what to do.” I feel my stitches strain and tear and the wetness of my bandages are soaking up blood. I must have moved too much, and some of my cuts opened up. It doesn’t matter. The doctors can fix me. I just can’t let Micah leave.
“Tahlia, you just told me that my best mate murdered Steph, that he has been abusing you for years, kept you a prisoner. You can’t stop me. I need some time out, to think about the past, to understand why I didn’t see him for who he really was,” he says, not even looking at me. “And you should be moving. Please, you of all people should understand this.”
“All right, okay, but just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid, Micah. Josh is dangerous and he won’t care that you’re the one that is protecting me. He has never cared.” I try to grab his hand, but he is backing towards the door.
“You can’t even imagine what I went through to find you. What kind of person I became,” he murmurs, shaking his head, as pain and guilt shatter his features. “I have done bad things, Tahlia, and there is no going back. I don’t deserve you anymore, not after this, not after what I have done.”
Then he is gone and I’m left with all these racing thoughts, unable to move, unable to get up and tell him that he is wrong. I have told myself that I would never forgive him, but now I begin to realise that life is short. There is nothing stopping us from just being together. All this time I thought that there was no going back, but I was so wrong.
He ruined me, but first I ruined him. His career is over; my new life is shattered. We are both damaged. Our enemy is winning this battle so far.
“Tahlia, are you all right?” asks Tequila barging into my room with Hunter and Kiki. “What happened to Micah? He looked furious, didn’t even stop to say where he was going.”
“Her bandages are soaked. We should call the doctor,” Kiki says, looking at the red stains that suddenly appear on my sheets. Tequila shakes her head and leaves the room. I can’t be worried about the pain now. Micah has gone out somewhere, and I have no idea what he is planning.
“Rose? What happened? What did you say to him?” Hunter asks.
“The truth, just the truth,” I respond, closing my eyes, as the pain numbs me and I drift into the darkness.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Skimming the surface
Micah
I’m walking away from her, but I have no idea where I’m going, passing rooms, white corridors and people in white gowns. People, strangers are trying to talk to me, but I dismiss them and keep walking, feeling broken. The truth is rotting the marrow in my bones, draining my heart of blood. I don’t want to believe that Josh is the person I’ve been searching for all these years. It’s too surreal.
We have been friends since we were toddlers. He never slipped, never showed that evil side, not even once. Or maybe I refused to see it.
I get outside, furious, ready to find him and kill him with my bare hands, end this once and for all. He doesn’t deserve to die quickly. He has to suffer like Tahlia has. Steph died and my life ended all because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I wanted to be happy. I was so blind, so fucking stupid.
My old boss had evidence, witness testimonies, but no one had ever seen him. He made sure that he couldn’t be identified, that there were no pictures, no descriptions.
I clench my fists, cutting the circulation to my hands. The fury comes back, shattering my emotions. I have been played, fooled for years, not even realising that Josh was the one that was behind all my pain and misery.
Josh never spoken to me after that night when Tahlia came to me. He never tried to talk to me, to see if I was coping with the grief and pain. I left without saying goodbye.<
br />
The bitter cold air hits me and I keep walking, knowing that I have to kill him, punish him for everything he did. My career is not important anymore. I’ll never be able to fix it, not after what’s happened, but I can still clear Tahlia from all the charges. She doesn’t need to live this life anymore.
How could I not see the evil that was growing up by my side?
When I finally get to my van and lock the door, I start laughing. I had cherished Steph and he murdered her, then he used Tahlia, made her do despicable things and took away her freedom, her dignity. Then kept her in a hole like a dog.
The pain is making me dizzy and desire for revenge is burning my loins. Apart from Josh, I still have to deal with the Russians. It’s just a matter of time before they get in touch.
I have been betrayed, spat on, and in all the time that passed, I never questioned his loyalty, his new friends. After I met Steph, I stopped paying attention to him.
My hands are shaking so bad that I can barely hold the wheel. Maybe I’m not even supposed to drive, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. Love burned a hole in my heart; now revenge is all that I can think about.
Before I even realise what is happening and where I’m going, my own instinct takes me back to the past, to those streets where I used to hang out with Josh. It’s easy to believe that being back can fix this, but deep down I know that no one can and no one will. Before I let that scumbag die, I need to understand how he fooled me and what happened to him once I left town.
I park the van on the side street, just outside Josh’s old house. It’s still empty. I can’t do this, because the fury still grips my oxygen, my blood flow. I don’t blame Tahlia for anything. It’s my fault that I didn’t notice there was something wrong, that this bastard was hurting her when I was hanging out with Steph.
Love & Hate Series Box Set 2 (Love & Hate #3-4) Page 40