Of course, there were still lots of personal motives for the murder too. The sordid mess with Ambrose, Blake, and the women involved pegged any of them as the murderer. Daniella Ivashkov being on that list was a constant point of stress for Lissa, and she dared not breathe a word to Adrian. The saving grace there was that Daniellaʹs bribery had been to get Adrian out of trouble—not solidify my guilt. The unknown Moroi had funded that bribe. Surely, if she had killed Tatiana, Daniella would have paid for both of Joeʹs lies.
And of course, there was the last test pressing against Lissaʹs mind. The riddle. The riddle that seemed to have so many answers—and yet, none at all. What must a queen possess in order to truly rule her people? In some ways, it was more difficult than the other tests. Those had had a hands-on component, so to speak. This? This was her own intellect. No fire to build. No fear to look in the eye.
She hated that she took the riddle so seriously too. She didnʹt need its stress, not with everything else going on. Life would have been simpler if sheʹd kept treating the trials simply as a scam to buy us time. The Court was continually swelling with those who had come to see the election, and more and more of them—much to her disbelief—were throwing their support behind her. She could hardly walk anywhere without people calling out about ʺthe Dragonʺ or ʺAlexandra reborn.ʺ Word of her attack had gotten out too, which seemed to have fueled her supporters even more.
But, of course, Lissa still had plenty of opposition. The biggest case against her was the same old legal one: that she wouldnʹt be eligible for votes when the time came. Another mark against her was her age. She was too young, her opponents said. Who would want a child on the throne? But Lissaʹs admirers wouldnʹt hear any of it. They kept citing young Alexandraʹs rule and the miracles Lissa had wrought with her healing. Age was irrelevant. The Moroi needed young blood, they cried. They also demanded the voting laws be changed.
Unsurprisingly, her opponents also kept bringing up the fact that she was tied to a queen-killing murderer. Iʹd have thought that would have been the biggest issue in her candidacy, but sheʹd been so convincing about how Iʹd shocked and betrayed her that many felt her being queen would actually right the wrong Iʹd committed. Sheʹd used bits of compulsion whenever the topic came up, which also went a long way in making others think she was now completely dissociated from me.
ʺIʹm so tired of this,ʺ Lissa told Christian, back in her room. Sheʹd sought escape there and was lying on her bed in his arms. My mom was there, on guard. ʺThis queen thing was a horrible idea.ʺ
Christian stroked her hair. ʺItʹs not. Abe said the election will be delayed because of the uproar. And no matter how much you complain, I know youʹre proud you made it this far.ʺ
It was true. The chalice test had cut the nominees in half. Only five remained. Ariana Szelsky was one of them, as was Daniellaʹs cousin, Rufus Tarus. Lissa was the third, with Marcus Lazar and Marie Conta rounding out the group. Ronald Ozera hadnʹt made it through.
My mother spoke up. ʺIʹve never seen anything like this—itʹs incredible how much support youʹre getting. The Council and other royals are under no obligations to change the law. But the mobʹs loud . . . and gaining the love of ‘commonersʹ could benefit certain royals. Standing by your claim to run would certainly reflect well on a couple families that are out of favor. Whatʹs holding them back is the thought that you might actually win. So theyʹll just keep arguing and arguing.ʺ
Lissa stiffened. ʺWinning . . . thatʹs not really possible, is it? Arianaʹs got it sealed . . . right?ʺ Winning had never been a part of this crazy plan, and now, with so few candidates, the pressure was even greater to get Ariana on the throne. As far as Lissa was concerned, the other candidates showed no promise of improving Moroi life. Ariana had to win.
ʺIʹd say so,ʺ said Janine. There was pride in her voice, seeing how close she was to the Szelsky family. ʺArianaʹs brilliant and competent, and most people know it. Sheʹd treat dhampirs fairly—more so than some of the other candidates. Sheʹs already spoken about reversing the age law.ʺ
The thought of worse laws oppressing the dhampirs made Lissaʹs stomach sink. ʺGod, I hope she wins. We canʹt have anything else go wrong.ʺ
A knock at the door snapped my mom into full guardian mode until Lissa said, ʺItʹs Adrian.ʺ
ʺWell,ʺ muttered Christian, ʺat least his timingʹs better than usual.ʺ
Sure enough, my boyfriend entered, wreathed in his now usual scent of smoke and liquor. True, his vices were the least of my concerns, but it kept bugging me that he needed me to be there in person to enforce his good behavior. It reminded me of when he said I was his strength.
ʺGet up, guys,ʺ he said. He looked very pleased with himself. ʺWeʹve got a visit to pay.ʺ
Lissa sat up, puzzled. ʺWhat are you talking about?ʺ
ʺI am not hanging out with Blake Lazar again,ʺ warned Christian.
ʺYou and me both,ʺ said Adrian. ʺIʹve got someone better. And more attractive. Remember how you were wondering how close Serena was to Grant? Well, looks like you can ask her yourself. I found her. And yes, youʹre welcome.ʺ
A frown crossed my motherʹs face. ʺLast I heard, Serena had been sent away to teach at a school. One on the east coast, I think.ʺ After the Strigoi attack that had killed Grant and several others, the guardians had decided to pull Serena from active bodyguard duty for a while. Sheʹd been the only guardian to survive.
ʺShe is, but since itʹs summer, they brought her back to help with election crowd control. Sheʹs working the front gates.ʺ
Lissa and Christian exchanged looks. ʺWe have to talk to her,ʺ said Lissa excitedly. ʺShe might have known who Grant was secretly teaching.ʺ
ʺThat doesnʹt mean one of them killed Tatiana,ʺ warned my mother.
Lissa nodded. ʺNo, but thereʹs a connection, if Ambroseʹs letter is right. Sheʹs there now? At the gates?ʺ
ʺYup,ʺ said Adrian. ʺAnd we probably donʹt even need to buy her a drink.ʺ
ʺThen letʹs go.ʺ Lissa stood and reached for her shoes.
ʺAre you sure?ʺ asked Christian. ʺYou know whatʹs waiting out there.ʺ
Lissa hesitated. It was late at ʺnightʺ for Moroi, but that didnʹt mean everyone was in bed—especially at the gates, which was always jam-packed with people lately. Clearing my name was too important, Lissa decided. ʺYeah. Letʹs do it.ʺ
With my mother leading the way, my friends made their way to the Courtʹs entrance. (The ʺdoorʺ that Abe had made had been patched up.) The Court was surrounded in high, multicolored stone walls that helped further the human image that this was actually an elite school. Wrought iron gates at the entrance stood open, but a group of guardians blocked the road leading into Court grounds. Normally, only two guardians would have manned the booth at the gate. The extra numbers were both for greater interrogation of cars and for crowd control. Spectators lined the roadʹs sides, watching the arriving cars as though they were at a red carpet premiere. Janine knew a roundabout way that avoided some people—but not all.
ʺDonʹt cringe,ʺ Christian told Lissa as they passed a particularly vocal group, which had noticed her. ʺYouʹre a queenly nominee. Act like it. You deserve this. Youʹre the last Dragomir. A daughter of royalty.ʺ
Lissa gave him a brief, astonished look, surprised to hear the fierceness in his voice—and that he clearly believed his words. Straightening up, she turned toward her fans, smiling and waving back, which excited them that much more. Take this seriously, she reminded herself. Donʹt disgrace our history.
In the end, getting through the crowd to the gate proved easier than getting time alone with Serena. The guardians were swamped and insisted on keeping Serena for screening, but my mom had a quick conversation with the guardian in charge. She reminded him of Lissaʹs importance and offered to stand in for Serena for a few minutes.
Serena had long since healed from the Strigoi attack. She was my age, blond-haired and pretty. She was clearly surprised to see her former charge. ʺPrincess,ʺ she
said, maintaining formalities. ʺHow can I help you?ʺ
Lissa pulled Serena away from the cluster of guardians speaking to the Moroi drivers lined up at the gate. ʺYou can call me Lissa. You know that. You taught me to stab pillows, after all.ʺ
Serena gave her a small smile. ʺThings have changed. You might be our next queen.ʺ
Lissa grimaced. ʺUnlikely.ʺ Especially since I have no clue how to solve that riddle, she thought. ʺBut I do need your help. You and Grant spent a lot of time together . . . did he ever mention training Moroi for Tatiana? Like, secret combat sessions?ʺ
Serenaʹs face gave the answer away, and she averted her eyes. ʺIʹm not supposed to talk about that. He wasnʹt even supposed to tell me.ʺ
Lissa gripped the young guardianʹs arm in excitement, making Serena flinch. ʺYou have to tell me what you know. Anything. Who he was training . . . how they felt about it . . . who was successful. Anything.ʺ
Serena paled. ʺI canʹt,ʺ she whispered. ʺIt was done in secret. On the queenʹs orders.ʺ
ʺMy auntʹs dead,ʺ said Adrian bluntly. ʺAnd you said yourself you might be talking to the future queen.ʺ This earned a glare from Lissa.
Serena hesitated, then took a deep breath. ʺI can pull together a list of names. I might not remember all of them, though. And I have no clue how well they were doing—only that a lot resented it. Grant felt like Tatiana had purposely picked those most unwilling.ʺ
Lissa squeezed her hand. ʺThank you. Thank you so much.ʺ
Serena still looked pained at giving up the secret information. They come first didnʹt always work when your loyalties were split. ʺIʹll have to get it to you later, though. They need me here.ʺ
Serena returned to her post, bringing my mother back to Lissa. As for me, I returned to my own reality in the car, which had come to a stop. I blinked to clear my eyes and take in our surroundings. Another hotel. We should have had gold member status by now. ʺWhatʹs going on?ʺ
ʺWeʹre stopping,ʺ said Dimitri. ʺYou need to rest.ʺ
ʺNo, I donʹt. We need to keep going to Court. We need to get Jill there in time for the elections.ʺ Our initial goal in finding Jill had been to give Lissa voting power. It had since occurred to us that if Lissa running was mucking up the elections, the surprise appearance of her sister would likely create just as much sensation and disbelief. A genetic test would clear up any doubts and give Lissa her voting power, but the initial confusion would buy us more of the time we so badly needed to find the murderer. In spite of the random evidence my friends kept turning up, they still had no substantial theories on a culprit.
Dimitri gave me a donʹt lie to me look. ʺYou were just with Lissa. Are the elections actually happening yet?ʺ
ʺNo,ʺ I admitted.
ʺThen youʹre getting some rest.ʺ
ʺIʹm fine,ʺ I snapped.
But those fools wouldnʹt listen to me. Checking in was complicated because none of us had a credit card, and it wasnʹt the hotelʹs policy to take a cash deposit. Sonya compelled the desk clerk into thinking it was their policy, and before long, we had booked two adjoining rooms.
ʺLet me talk to her alone,ʺ Dimitri murmured to Sonya. ʺI can handle it.ʺ
ʺBe careful,ʺ Sonya warned. ʺSheʹs fragile.ʺ
ʺYou guys, Iʹm right here!ʺ I exclaimed.
Sonya took Jillʹs arm and guided her into one of the rooms. ʺCome on, letʹs order room service.ʺ
Dimitri opened the other door and looked at me expectantly. With a sigh, I followed and sat on the bed, my arms crossed. The room was a hundred times nicer than the one in West Virginia. ʺCan we order room service?ʺ
He pulled up a chair and sat opposite me, only a couple feet away. ʺWe need to talk about what happened with Victor.ʺ
ʺThereʹs nothing to talk about,ʺ I said bleakly. The dark feelings Iʹd been shoving back during the drive suddenly fell upon me. They smothered me. I felt more claustrophobic than when Iʹd been in the cell. Guilt was its own prison. ʺI really am the murderer everyone says I am. It doesnʹt matter that it was Victor. I killed him in cold blood.ʺ
ʺThat was hardly cold blood.ʺ
ʺThe hell it wasnʹt!ʺ I cried, feeling tears spring to my eyes. ʺThe plan was to subdue him and Robert so we could free Jill. Subdue. Victor wasnʹt a threat to me. He was an old man, for Godʹs sake.ʺ
ʺHe seemed like a threat,ʺ said Dimitri. His calmness was the counter to my growing hysteria, as usual. ʺHe was using his magic.ʺ
I shook my head, burying my face in my hands. ʺIt wasnʹt going to kill me. He probably couldnʹt have even kept it up much longer. I could have waited it out or escaped. Hell, I did escape! But instead of capturing him, I slammed him against a concrete wall! He was no match for me. An old man. I killed an old man. Yeah, maybe he was a scheming, corrupt old man, but I didnʹt want him dead. I wanted him locked up again. I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in prison, living with his crimes. Living, Dimitri.ʺ
It seemed strange that Iʹd feel this way, considering how much I hated Victor. But it was true: it hadnʹt been a fair fight. Iʹd acted without thinking. My training had always been about defense and striking out against monsters. Honor had never really come up, but suddenly, it meant a lot to me. ʺThere was no honor in what I did to him.ʺ
ʺSonya said it wasnʹt your fault.ʺ Dimitriʹs voice was still gentle, which somehow made me feel worse. I wished heʹd chastise me, confirming the guilt I felt. I wanted him to be my critical instructor. ʺShe said it was a backlash of spirit.ʺ
ʺIt was. . . .ʺ I paused, recalling the haze of that fight as best I could. ʺI never really understood what Lissa experienced in her worst moments until then. I just looked at Victor . . . and I saw everything evil in the world—an evil I had to stop. He was bad, but he didnʹt deserve that. He never stood a chance.ʺ Honor, I kept thinking. What honor is there in that?
ʺYou arenʹt listening, Rose. It wasnʹt your fault. Spiritʹs a powerful magic we barely understand. And its dark edge . . . well, we know itʹs capable of terrible things. Things that canʹt be controlled.ʺ
I lifted my eyes to his. ʺI should have been stronger than it.ʺ There it was. The thought behind all my guilt, all these horrible emotions. ʺI should have been stronger than it. I was weak.ʺ
Dimitriʹs reassuring words didnʹt come so quickly. ʺYou arenʹt invincible,ʺ he said at last. ʺNo one expects you to be.ʺ
ʺI do. What I did . . .ʺ I swallowed. ʺWhat I did was unforgivable.ʺ
His eyes widened in shock. ʺThat . . . thatʹs crazy, Rose. You canʹt punish yourself for something you had no power over.ʺ
ʺYeah? Then why are you still—ʺ
I stopped because Iʹd been about to accuse Dimitri of continuing to punish himself. Except . . . he no longer was. Did he feel guilt for what heʹd done as a Strigoi? I was certain of it. Sonya had admitted as much. But somewhere in this journey, he had taken control of his life again, bit by bit. Sheʹd told me that, but only now did I truly understand.
ʺWhen?ʺ I asked. ʺWhen did it change? When did you realize you could keep living—even after all that guilt?ʺ
ʺIʹm not sure.ʺ If the question surprised him, he hid it. His eyes were locked with mine, but they werenʹt quite focused on me. The puzzle occupied him. ʺIn bits, really. When Lissa and Abe first came to me about breaking you out, I was ready to do it because she asked me to. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was personal too. I couldnʹt stand the thought of you locked in a cell, being cut off from the world. It wasnʹt right. No one should live like that, and it occurred to me that I was doing the same—by choice. I was cutting myself off from the world with guilt and self-punishment. I had a second chance to live, and I was throwing it away.ʺ
I was still in turmoil, still raging and full of grief, but his story kept me quiet and transfixed. Hearing him pour his heart out was a rare opportunity.
ʺYou heard me talk about this before,ʺ he continued. ʺAbout my goal to appreciate lifeʹs little details. And the
more we continued on our journey, the more I remembered who I was. Not just a fighter. Fighting is easy. Itʹs why we fight that matters, and in the alley that night with Donovan . . .ʺ He shuddered. ʺThat was the moment I could have crossed over into someone who fights just to senselessly kill—but you pulled me back, Rose. That was the turning point. You saved me . . . just as Lissa saved me with the stake. I knew then that in order to leave the Strigoi part of me behind, I had to fight through to be what they arenʹt. I had to embrace what they reject: beauty, love, honor.ʺ
Right then, I was two people. One was overjoyed. Hearing him talk like that, realizing he was fighting his demons and close to victory . . . well, I nearly wept with joy. It was what Iʹd wanted for him for so long. At the same time, his inspiring words only reminded me how far Iʹd fallen. My sorrow and self-pity took over again.
ʺThen you should understand,ʺ I said bitterly. ʺYou just said it: honor. It matters. We both know it does. Iʹve lost mine. I lost it out there in the parking lot when I killed an innocent.ʺ
ʺAnd Iʹve killed hundreds,ʺ he said flatly. ʺPeople much more innocent than Victor Dashkov.ʺ
ʺItʹs not the same! You couldnʹt help it!ʺ My feelings exploded to the surface again. ʺWhy are we repeating the same things over and over?ʺ
ʺBecause they arenʹt sinking in! You couldnʹt help it either.ʺ His patience was cracking. ʺFeel guilty. Mourn this. But move on. Donʹt let it destroy you. Forgive yourself.ʺ
I leapt to my feet, catching him by surprise. I leaned down, putting us face to face. ʺForgive myself? Thatʹs what you want? You of all people?ʺ
Words seemed to escape him. I think it had to do with my proximity. He managed a nod.
ʺThen tell me this. You say you moved past the guilt, decided to revel in life and all that. I get it. But have you, in your heart, really forgiven yourself? I told you a long time ago that I forgave you for everything in Siberia, but what about you? Have you done it?ʺ
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