by Cydney Rax
Burgundy gasped. All Alita could do was genuinely laugh out loud. She reached over and touched Shade’s hand. He quickly grabbed her hand back and squeezed it.
Alita wondered if she talked too much, and it felt like she’d just delivered her first speech in public, and she hoped that she aced it.
After Burgundy calmed down from the shock of Shade using profanity, she watched both of them resume their conversation; she began to feel a warm fuzziness take over. She felt more assured, less tense.
“Excuse me, you two,” Burgundy said and stood up. “Please continue to eat and enjoy your meal. I need to use the ladies’ room. Then I gotta go to the business office and make a few phone calls and check on some other matters. Be right back.” She discreetly left the table.
Shade leaned back in his seat and calmly continued. “You know, Alita, life can drop-kick any one of us in the knees and make us fall down. So please don’t feel bad about whatever you’ve been through with your ex. That’s your truth, you know what I mean? And each of us is the product of our past experiences, good or bad. So far, I do like you, and I barely know you. Now I must disagree with you in that you said think I’m a typical man that tells a woman what they want to hear. But I try to say what’s in my heart. You can’t knock a brother for that, can you?”
Alita believed that Shade talked a lot; she wasn’t sure if she should trust every word he told her, but she sat on the edge of her seat eagerly listening.
“No, Shade,” she mumbled. “I won’t knock you for being you. And I-I’m sorry for prejudging. This dating stuff . . . I’m out of practice, ya know? All I really want to do is have a good time and escape from my worries.” She looked apologetic. “I feel so nervous right now. It took me hours to get ready for this date.”
“Hey, don’t apologize.” He held up his hands. “No pressure. No expectations. I may never see you again after we leave here, but not because I don’t want to. I’m a strong advocate of fate.”
Alita stared at him wide-eyed, not being certain of the definition of “advocate” but hoping it was something good.
“If it’s meant for me and you to know each other, we will,” he assured her. “We can hang out. I’m not about to run away from a pretty woman. But I definitely won’t tolerate one that doesn’t treat me right either.”
Alita respected what he was saying, but at the same time listening to his direct way of talking made her feel slightly intimidated.
She paused. “You seem like a cool guy. And I can’t promise you that I will treat you like the king that you probably are every single day of the week.”
He laughed. “That’s honest.”
“I’m not finished.”
“Sorry.”
Alita nervously toyed with her hands. “I-I’ve never been on a college campus except to take my son to one so he can see what they’re like. I only earned a high school diploma. College just wasn’t my thing.”
He hunched his shoulders as if that didn’t matter.
“I’ve been working since I was seventeen,” she continued. “Got married when I was twenty. Had the baby when I was twenty-one, and even though my ex—Leonard is his name—even though he had a good job when we first got married, I wanted to help out. I like to stay busy. And back then, I worked at Mickey D’s, child care centers, receptionist jobs, whatever I could do to pay a few bills. I felt we were a team.”
“I admire that.”
“I ain’t finished.”
“Sorry. Go ahead.”
“At first things were good,” she continued. “I loved being married. Loved being loved. I felt safe. Safer than I’d felt in a long time.” Her eyes gleamed at the fond memories. “But after he got the job at the dealership and started bringing home a lot of money, life changed. Leonard is competitive. So he put in the hours, tried to be the best. And that caused some problems in our relationship. He’d say he was so tired from working fifteen hours a day that he had no time for romance. I got lonely. Then I got angry. And he got into flirting around with his female customers.” She stopped momentarily, carefully choosing what she wanted to reveal. “And so it went from playful flirting to one outright affair that he had with this single woman. He got her pregnant. She miscarried, but I didn’t care. I was through after that. We were married twelve years. Then boom, it was over. It was a nasty divorce too. Some of my sisters tell me all the time, they say, ‘Lita, you walk around like you got a big-ass chip on your shoulder.’ I get mad at ’em and I tell ’em if they had survived what I have survived, they’d have big chips too. But my sisters and I, make that a few of them, are very different. Burgundy, humph, she’s probably more your type than me. But she’s very married.”
“Are you done?” Shade asked, looking serious.
“Maybe.”
“Let’s pretend like you’re done for now, Alita. First of all, I am not here to compare you to other women, not to your sisters, not anyone. I’m simply here in this fine restaurant, eating this good food, just so I can take a moment to get to know you . . . for you. And never apologize for what you’ve survived.”
“I don’t!”
He laughed. “What I’m trying to say is you don’t have to write yourself off based on a few superficial things like education and or lack of money. Some educated rich folks are complete and utter fools.”
“You right about that,” she blurted, even though she did not personally know anyone like that.
Shade continued. “I like and appreciate real. Your path was your path. All you can do is be upfront about your life. Only an idiot would blame you for where life has taken you. And, Alita, I’m no idiot.”
This time it was Alita’s turn to grow quiet. She did not know what to say, she could only look at him. Shade’s eyes twinkled, and he gave her the warmest smile she’d experienced from a man in quite some time. Was he talking just to be saying something, or was this his true personality? Alita curiously stared at her date; she felt a strong urge to jump up and run. Many guys started off great, appearing like someone that possessed everything a woman could desire—till they quickly showed their true colors.
“Why ain’t you married?” she blurted out to him.
He thought carefully. “Why marry if I’m not ready? Why rush to be with someone just to make her happy? Just to make my relatives happy who, by the way, ask me every other week, who am I dating? Just the sound of that: being tied down . . .” He had to laugh out loud. “That in itself doesn’t even sound like anything a rational person would want to do. So, to answer your question, young lady, before I make a major mistake, I’d rather take my time, be single, enjoy the life I have right now, than rush into a mistake. Then I’d be an ex-husband, the very type of man you’d be complaining about.”
She nodded.
“Although I came very close to getting married one time, Alita, ultimately the situation didn’t work out. I hate to call it dodging a bullet. And sometimes I still think about what would’ve happened if we had stuck it out.”
“You still see her?” she asked, waiting to hear how he’d answer.
“Yes,” he exclaimed, “but only because she still attends the church. But hey, it’s a big church, thousands of people are there every week. So once in a while we run into each other. It’s always pleasant.” He made a face, “She gives me that look like she wishes we could reconcile, but nah, that ain’t happening. Once I’m done, I’m done. You had your chance, you blew it. Now I have a chance to be somebody else’s blessing. I don’t have time to be messing around with a woman that doesn’t know what she wants; one day she wants me the next day she doesn’t.”
Alita eyed Shade carefully and concluded he didn’t fit the description of a BS artist. She spoke in a humble tone. “I feel you on that one. I’m not down for the okie-doke either. And since my divorce I’m trying hard to learn who I am.” At that point her own thoughts about herself frightened her. “You know, sometimes I think this person I’ve become, it ain’t completely the true me. I feel like the real Alita is hiding somewher
e deep in here.” She rested her hands over her heart. “As old as I am, she’s someone I’m still getting to know.”
“Well, I believe the real woman, the better woman, the seasoned woman, is in there somewhere, young lady. That’s the one I’m hoping to know too. How ’bout we get to know her together?”
Shade’s voice sounded welcoming. And his words touched her heart so deeply that she hardly could believe what he just told her.
“I want to know your story,” Shade continued. “Your truth. It’s not where you’ve been but where you’re going.”
His words proved to be a doorway through which Alita Washington could safely enter. And for the next ten minutes she found herself gradually opening up to Shade. She tried her best to just tell him about her life and leave bitterness out of her voice, but at the same time, she had to expose her life.
“Love played a cruel trick on me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because,” she said, “I believed it. My ex, Leonard, was probably the third serious boyfriend I had. The third man I ever slept with. Third time’s a charm, my ass.”
Shade chuckled at her way with words. “Who doesn’t want to give love a try?”
“Only a fool, Shade. Only us fools.” Her heart felt lighter, and she to admit, it did feel good to have a man to talk to. She’d learned it was much easy to get a man to tell you the truth when he wasn’t trying to sleep with you.
“Seriously, though, Shade. When you fall in love with the person that you think is the one, it feels so damn good that you’re scared . . . scared it’s not totally real. And when things fall apart, that’s when you wonder if you imagined the whole thing. That shit seemed like a counterfeit dollar bill, and you were a fool for thinking it was the real deal.”
Alita told him how, after their divorce, it seemed as if their arguments escalated. Things got nasty. Hurt tried to increase the hurt. And when Leonard came around less, and even more so as time progressed, to her wounded ego it felt like her ex-husband had disowned his namesake.
“If you absent, if you gone, it’s like you’re saying to the kid ‘fuck you,’ like I hate ya mama and I hate you too. Because I think some people, and yes, even men do it too, they don’t want to see the kid anymore. They want to pretend like the kid doesn’t exist, and like they can be happy without that little boy . . . little girl. They act like you made that baby all by yourself. And I wonder how they would feel if their daddy or mama did them that way.” Even though she knew that Leonard was now making up for lost time, it seemed so unfair. He already missed so much. And she questioned his motives for wanting to develop a close relationship with Leno all of a sudden.
“Sometimes the ones that abandon people are repeating what happened to them,” Shade told her.
“Bullshit. Leonard Washington grew up with a mama, a daddy, and one sister. He has no excuse.”
Shade could only look baffled. “I can’t make excuses for a man I don’t know.”
“Right, you don’t know him. I know what he used to be, and what he has ended up being. I know he can be better.” Her voice was a faint whisper. “I always hoped it could be better for Leno.”
“What do you want him to do?”
She laughed. “Be active. Be there when it counts. Come to the games, his practices. Let people know that you’re proud of your son. Let your son see how excited it makes him when you show up to the game. Love is a two-way street.” She wanted to cry when she thought of all the times that he had looked up in the stands searching for his father’s friendly face. Her heart hurt for any young boy whose daddy was missing in his life. “Boys need their fathers. Is that asking too much?”
“No.”
“Thank you,” she told him. “You’re a great listener.” She smiled and was happy to have Shade to talk to.
“I try.”
But the more she thought about Leonard, the sooner her smile vanished. It was tortuous, like she was trapped in an eternal well from which she could not escape. She wanted to think about the good, but the bad continued to haunt the woman.
“I don’t see how any father can deny his flesh and blood. I don’t care for my sake, but for my son’s sake? I would kill for Leno.”
“I believe that.”
Shade didn’t mean for his words to sound humorous, yet Alita burst out laughing. She laughed for a few minutes, nearly gasping for breath. When she was able to calm down, she said, “This has to be the most horrible first date ever. You must think I’m damned psycho.”
“I don’t,” he insisted.
“You sure?”
“I am.”
“You’re not saying that just to make me feel better?”
“I swear to God, and if I had my Bible with me, I’d swear on that too.”
She giggled some more. Relaxed.
By the time Burgundy returned, Alita was enjoying listening to Shade tell her about his life, and she didn’t even get pissed when he eventually took her hand in his and held it with the most gentle touch she’d ever felt. It wasn’t sexual. It felt human. Like he cared, even though he had no good reason to.
Their date ended with a promise to hook up again. As much as she enjoyed spending time with Shade, Alita had her doubts. She remembered the things she had told him about herself and felt afraid. She hated the despair that had taken over when her had marriage ended, even though she was the one who divorced Leonard. It had happened years ago, and she continued to nurse the pain and remember the great sense of loss. She only wanted to be married one time to one man. But she was a divorced, single mom. And she desperately wanted to move past it.
Burgundy and Alita waved goodbye to Shade and watched him leave the restaurant.
“How’d I do?” Alita asked.
“Let’s not even go there.”
“Was it that bad?” Alita wanted to know.
“Sis, I’m surprised he didn’t walk away while he had the chance.”
“Oooh, I didn’t mean to—”
“Alita, it’s time for you to be real,” Burgundy told her in a no-nonsense tone. “Yes, you did mean it. You said what you meant, and you acted the way you wanted to act.”
“But I did not mean—”
“Let me share some advice coming from a woman that’s been married a long time,” Burgundy said in a gentle voice. “Watch your words, Sis. And guard your thoughts, because a lot of times they are outright negative. And I wanted to warn you that whatever you think about a situation is exactly what you’re going to have. Because your thoughts and your words will set out to create your reality. Words have power.”
Alita looked visibly uncomfortable. Suddenly it felt like Burgundy was acting like her all-knowing mother instead of her inexperienced younger sister.
“I also wanted to say,” Burgundy continued, “please don’t judge Shade based on whoever else you’ve dated. Because if you’re going to do that, what’s the point of agreeing to go out with a new man?”
Alita could only hunch her shoulders.
“Lita, give Shade Wilkins the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he’s not the type of man you want. Everybody deserves a chance. Even you.”
Alita was silenced into humility. Again, she felt like she had messed up big time. Would there ever be a moment in her life when she’d get it right?
“Thanks for the advice, B. I won’t judge him. But are you trying to judge me?”
“Oh, Sis, don’t be mad. I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need your help, Queen B,” she snapped.
“Apparently you do. When’s the last time you were able to get a date on your own?”
“I know I can get a date on my own.” Alita stood up. “I don’t need any favors or lectures from you, baby sister.”
“See, that’s what I’m talking about,” Burgundy rushed to say. “You are way too sensitive, got your feelings all on your sleeve. All I’ve ever done is try to help you get your life together.”
“Oh, now the truth comes out.
You pretend like I got it going on, and you try hard to convince your little church boy associate that I’m a good risk, but you honestly don’t think I’m good enough for him. Or else you wouldn’t be trying to change me on the slick.” Alita snatched up the shawl that Burgundy had bought for her. It was very pretty and sophisticated, unlike any article of clothing Alita had ever owned. But she took it and dropped it on top of Burgundy’s head.
“I hate this corny looking shit. I’m no Princess Kate.”
Burgundy discreetly removed the scarf, folded it up neatly, and placed it on the table. “You don’t have to be an actual princess to want nice things. This cost me a lot of money, Lita.”
“So what? No one asked you to be my wardrobe assistant or my stupid-ass makeup artist either. I can see who I want to see and be the way I want to be and dress how I want to dress. That’s what grown-ups do.”
“Fine, Lita. All right! I’m just saying that if you continue with your attitude, you’ll end up a bitter, lonely woman. I want the best for you. And if you want to be with Shade, you’ll have to step up your game.”
“You don’t really know what he’s like behind closed doors, right?” Alita hated a know-it-all who didn’t really know much at all.
“I won’t even dignify your dumb question with a response.” Burgundy glared at her sister, despising her negative ways that constantly made her life unbearable.
“My question isn’t dumb. It’s the truth. You can assume you know a person, B, and you can believe with everything inside you that you really know Shade Wilkins. But unless you’ve fucked that man and seriously hung out with him, and I’m not talking about at the church bookstore, then you don’t know him.”
“Sweetie, there is no way on this planet that I’d hook you up with a man that I know isn’t going to be good for you. You’ll have to trust me and you’ll have to trust him. And we’ll see where this goes.”
Furious, Alita wanted to take both her hands and aim for her sister’s neck . . . the neck with the diamond jewelry around it . . . the neck that held up the head of a beautiful, successful, professional black woman who seemed to hold it all together . . . with her perfect life as if she was part of an updated Cosby Show family.