“I don’t think so. You show it when he washes his hands—of everything.”
“But…”
Look, Sharee, I don’t want to do this.”
Lynn stepped from the darkness beyond them. “Sharee, I think you need to…”
“Wait a minute, Lynn. Bruce and I were talking.”
“Oh.”
“No, we’re through,” Bruce edged the chair backward.
“Sharee,” John stepped forward. “We’ve been calling you over the loud speaker.”
“Can you give me a minute?” Her voice arced.
He stopped, moving his head back a little.
She touched his arm. “I’m sorry. It’s just everybody is… Bruce, please wait.”
“Sharee,” Lynn pushed in next to her. “Ryann is …”
“Lynn!”
“Look, I’m leaving.” Bruce shoved hard on the wheels of his chair and disappeared into the dark.
“Bruce…”
Lynn put her hand on Sharee’s arm. “Let him go, Sharee. It’s the anniversary.”
“What anniversary?” She tried to keep the exasperation from her voice. Next to her, John chuckled. She glared at him.
“His accident. Two years ago.”
“Oh.”
John glanced back over his shoulder. “Yeah, that’s right.”
“And it’s been a rough two years. His whole life has changed.” Lynn gazed after him. “And Marci is having a hard time, too. She feels guilty having another baby. Why should God bless her when so many others are hurting?”
“She said that to you? Then Ted was right.”
“If he said she was down, yes. But he’s used it to get close to her.”
John stepped forward. “I think we should ditch the discussion for now. Everyone is waiting.”
Lynn turned. “Yeah. I just wanted to tell Sharee about Ryann. She’s sitting in the bleachers, crying. And Abbey is adding wood to the fireplace or whatever that term is. Sharee, you need to talk with Ryann.”
“I don’t think this is the time.”
“Something needs to be done. And John could talk with Abbey. Separate those two.” Lynn moved away, disappearing into the darkness.
Sharee shook her head and sighed. “All right.” She glanced John’s way, and he nodded. They headed for the bleachers.
“Ryann?” She climbed to the top, ignored Abbey’s grimace and sat down next to Ryann. “What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t coming.”
“But it’s Christmas. I’ve worked on the sets and watched the practices, and I can sing at the end.”
“But you decided it was too much.”
“I changed my mind.”
“Then why are you upset?”
“I just started thinking about my baby. Marci has Joshua and six other children. I have no one.”
“Ryann, I don’t have all the answers. No one does, but come talk with Pastor Alan.” She stood and sent a look to Abbey. “Abbey, you need to get into place for rehearsal. John’s at the bottom of the bleachers. Go with him, please.”
“I’m staying with Ryann.”
Sharee shook her head. “I’ll take care of Ryann. Sometimes, our best intentions are not what’s best for the person involved. Right now, Ryann needs to talk with someone else.” Sharee helped Ryann start down the bleachers.
John faced Abbey as she stepped from the bleachers. “Abbey, why don’t you and I walk and talk until Sharee gets back? We have a couple of minutes before everything starts.”
Abbey frowned, but as Sharee turned away with Ryann, she noticed that the teen fell in step with John. Good.
Sharee put her arm around Ryann’s shoulders, and they moved toward the church office. When she opened the door, Pastor Alan and Daneen looked their way. George turned in his seat.
Pastor Alan smiled and nodded. “Glad you got here.” Then he glanced at Ryann and back to Sharee, frowning. Sharee slid her eyes Ryann’s way and nodded.
“George, do you mind if we finish this later?” The pastor let his voice trail off, looking at the other man.
George turned their way. “Oh, no. Fine. We’ll talk later.” He went past them.
Pastor Alan pulled out a chair. “Ryann, you’re having a hard time?”
The girl nodded and began to cry. Sharee edged backward and out the door.
Chapter 26
Sharee sat on the bleachers and watched the cars pull away into the dark. Practice had ended later than planned, but now the voices, the commotion had faded. Quiet settled over the field. Moonlight flooded it.
What a long night. She smiled and bowed her head. But the anointing, Lord, and your presence. Thank you! She gathered the peace around her. Her heart bowed, too.
Something hit the bleachers with a thud. Sharee jerked her head up. Ted Hogan had dropped onto the seat beside her. He directed a long frown in her direction.
“It’s cold tonight.” His voice echoed the look on his face. “It’s too cold and too wet for Marci and Joshua to be here.”
“What?”
“You should have stopped practice and let them go home.”
Sharee forced herself not to react. She cleared her throat. “Both Marci and Stephen asked to do this. If either wanted to quit or go home or take Joshua inside, I’m sure they would have done just that.”
“Stephen never thinks about her.”
“Stephen loves her.”
“Marci needs someone who listens, who will take care of her. I told you before she never wanted this baby. It’s upset her.”
“She loves Joshua. She and Stephen and Joshua will do just fine. You’re really out of line here, you know.”
“Did you know that Marci and I were engaged?”
Sharee stared and let herself process what he’d said. Why would he bring that to her attention now? Was he still in love with Marci? When he’d returned to church a year ago, was it because of Marci?
“Ted, Marci, and Stephen have been married for sixteen years. If you were engaged, it was a long time ago. Let it go. “
“She didn’t want this baby, and she’s depressed because of it. It’s Stephen’s fault. She’d be happier without this baby.”
“Some women are depressed after a baby is born. They’re tired, their bodies and hormones are out of kilter, but she and Stephen will handle that. Whatever you had with Marci was over years ago.”
Ted jumped to his feet, his eyes narrowing. Sharee met his look. For a moment she thought he would say something else, but he turned and disappeared into the dark. She stared after him then lowered her head into her hands.
“Well,” Lynn’s voice came from behind her, “is he deluded or what? Does he think Marci is going to leave Stephen for him or something?” She sat down next to Sharee. “I can’t believe he had the nerve to say all that. You need to be careful around him.”
“I’m not worried about Ted.”
Lynn elbowed Sharee. “Well, I was here in case you needed reinforcements, anyway.”
Sharee chuckled. “And what did you plan to do if I did?”
John stepped into the light. “She had back-up if needed. Sam and I could hear from the platform.”
Sharee sent them both a smile. “I don’t see Ted as a threat to me. Now, to Marci…”
John put his foot on the bleachers and leaned toward her. “Lynn’s right. You need to be careful around Ted.”
“I don’t even want to think about him right now. Between Bruce and Ryann and Roseanne, I have enough to worry about.”
Lynn put a hand to her mouth and yawned. “Yeah, and I need sleep bad. See you guys tomorrow.” She strolled toward the parking lot.
John sat next to Sharee. He stretched his legs out and leaned back against the seat behind him. “So, what did you think?”
“About the program?” Her voice warmed, quickened. “The sets look fabulous, and everyone knew what they were doing.”
“Yeah. It
went well.”
“ And…and God’s Spirit was here. Could you tell?”
“Yes, I could tell.” His voice sounded flat.
Sharee tried to see his expression, squinting in the moonlight. She’d prayed that God would touch him during the program, but his flat tone told her the wall between him and God still stood. Emptiness invaded her stomach.
“John?”
“Yes?”
She needed an answer to the question that had circled her mind over the last few weeks. It might upset him, but she couldn’t help that.
“You accepted Jesus as your Savior?”
“I told you that.”
“You told me you did, but you didn’t tell me about it.” She left it open like a question. An audible intake of his breath followed. The emptiness in her stomach moved upward, changing to pain in her chest.
“After what happened to Alexis, I needed some answers. I told you. I found them at church. Yes, I accepted Jesus as Savior.”
“What does that mean to you?”
“You know what I’m saying.”
“No. Not exactly.”
“All right. Look. You want to know if I know what I’m talking about? Is that it?” When she said nothing, he continued in that same clipped voice, “I know I’m a sinner. My life—as I know and you well know—is far from perfect. I could never make it to heaven on my own. But Jesus’ death atoned for my sins. I’m reconciled to God through His blood. He gave His life for me and for the sins of the whole world. All I need do, all anyone needs to do, is believe and accept it. I have.”
Thankfulness washed over her. She had wondered if what he had told her was real. Thank you, Jesus.
An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Even with his knowledge, his acceptance of Jesus’ sacrifice, she knew his anger and guilt had created a barrier between him and God. Would he ever be over it? Would they ever have that love for God in common?
“John?”
“What?” The one word acted as a warning.
She changed her mind and asked instead, “Did you and Abbey talk?”
“Yes.”
“About anything important?”
“I didn’t mention the letter, if that’s what you’re asking; but I did use my marriage…and Janice’s death…to let her know that I understood how Ryann felt about her loss.”
“You told Abbey about Janice?” She couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice.
“Yes.”
“But…that…” The words trailed off. He’d told someone else, someone who might tell others. Wow.
“She wanted to know why God allows things. I don’t have those answers. I told her that and just let her talk.”
Tears closed her throat, her chest ached—for him, for Abbey, for Ryann. She turned her head away. In a minute, she said, “Thank you for doing that.”
“She’s dealing with a lot.”
“Can you tell me?”
“I think so. She didn’t ask me to keep it quiet. “Her mom died about a year and a half ago. Of cancer. It was a long battle. Then her dad remarried six months later. She thinks they were having an affair while her mom struggled with the cancer. Needless to say, she’s unhappy. Angry with her dad and her step-mom. Mad at God that her mom died.”
“Understandable.”
“She came to church because her mom always wanted her to go, but she wouldn’t before. When she came, Ryann reached out to her, but when Ryann lost the baby, Abbey couldn’t handle it. She’s mad at God again and anyone else who gets in her way.”
Sharee folded her hands and propped her chin on them. “All of this is hard. So, Abbey’s taken an offense for Ryann just because Marci has so many children. Yet, she asks to babysit all the time.”
“Some things don’t make sense.”
“It was hard for you, wasn’t it? Sharing about Janice.”
He said nothing. They both stared across the field. A cool wind stirred the black cypress. The moon, not yet full, painted night shadows across the ground.
Sharee moved to see him better. “I don’t understand, you know.”
His breath expelled. “I knew you weren’t going to leave it.”
“John, how can I? We talk about everything but God. And tonight, God moved in such a beautiful way, and you said you knew. When you say that you’ve accepted Jesus as your Savior then how can you…” She touched his arm. “How can you be so resistant?”
He pulled free. “Leave it, Sharee.”
“I can’t.” She swallowed against the tears. “You’ve been back in church this month, and yet you act like nothing has changed. You’re still angry at God.”
He stood, but she caught his hand. He glanced down at her, the line of his mouth hard.
“Please.”
He hesitated a moment then sat, staring straight ahead.
“John, I felt so honored that you shared what you did with me about Janice but…”
“But you want more.”
“No, I just want you to forgive yourself.”
“Forgive myself; forgive God. So easy to say.”
Yes, it was easy for her. She recognized that. She’d never dealt with the loss of a loved one. But God was still God, whether they liked what happened in their lives or not. Her hands clasped and unclasped. Multi-colored Christmas lights flickered from the street behind through the stand of cypress. It was Christmas. God had set His plan for the world into action one starry night, and He had a plan for John, too.
John shifted on the bleachers. “You asked me if I knew Jesus as Savior, and I said yes. But what you’re really asking is—Is he Lord?”
She twisted toward him, frowning, “Is he Lord?”
“Yes, that’s what you want. It’s not enough that I make him Savior. He has to be Lord. Sovereign Lord. You want it, and He wants it, too.”
Understanding engulfed her. Yes. He has to be Savior and Lord.
John’s voice when he continued sounded guttural. “I told you before that I knew you were a committed Christian. I joked about you asking me in that night. I expected the answer you gave. Any other answer would have shocked me because you’re committed to God. And that’s what you want from me.” He paused. “And that’s what I don’t know that I can give.”
In another moment, he stood up and drew her to her feet. They made their way down the bleachers, the night air enveloping them, and an unfamiliar heaviness between them. Sharee shivered.
When they stepped to the ground, he pulled her around. “I want you, Sharee, but without all these strings.”
“You mean like God wants you?” She felt the tightening of his body, and she moved her hand to touch his jaw, her eyes filling with tears. “I love you,” she whispered.
His mouth twisted. A second later, his hand went to the back of her head and tugged free the band that held her hair. She felt it fall around her shoulders. They stood for a long minute, the moonlight bright on both their faces; and then he pulled her to him, his mouth coming down hard, insistent, passionately on hers. Sharee’s mouth answered his.
When he released her, her own arms tightened. His eyes searched her face, and then he took her hands and pulled them down.
“We’ll talk,” he said, his voice rough, unsteady, “after the program tomorrow and then…we’ll see.”
Chapter 27
Who is this King of Glory? Sharee heard the scripture in her head as the Christmas program neared the end the next evening. She stood, holding her hands together below her chin, experiencing the pain from last night mixed with the joy pouring through her right now.
Who do you say that I am?, Jesus asked his disciples. You are the Christ, the Son of the living God, Peter had answered.
“You’re King and Savior and Lord,” Sharee said aloud, remembering well John’s words from the previous night, knowing what he meant, and remembering her own struggle later.
She’d arrived home after their discussion, closed the do
or and dropped to her knees, not even turning on a light. Her heart cried to God, and His Spirit seemed to fill the apartment. She lay on her face, silent and still in that presence.
Am I your Lord? Will you serve me and no other?
She knew what He asked. Would she surrender John? Or did John mean more to her than God? Would she stop pretending that what she and John had was enough? She loved him, and yet… John wanted to be loved without strings, without someone pushing him for more. And she wanted more. John had seen it, known it, even when she hadn’t. She wanted someone with whom she could love and serve God. But John would have to change, to give up his anger and hurt before that would happen; and if he didn’t, what would they have?
Her heart tore.
She had to give John to God. From the first, she’d ignored what she knew was right. John said she was a committed Christian, but when it came to him, her commitment floundered.
Lord, I am such a hypocrite. I can see what others are doing wrong, but I can’t see myself. Pain broke across her chest, flooding it. She drew deep breaths, trying to ease the emotion.
She needed to surrender John to God, to let go. She had to tell John it wouldn’t work. Unless he walked away himself. That was what he’d meant by that rough, “We’ll see.” She knew it. Her throat ached with tears. She had no strength to do what was needed.
Dropping her head to the floor once again, she fought with her heart and cried for strength. She must be willing.
“Here.” She mumbled the word between sobs and lifted her hands—as if John were in them—to God. “He’s yours. Take him.”
Her heart had felt fractured last night, and tonight it felt broken again. The voices of the program’s last song rose into the night sky. People made their way to where Pastor Alan and Daneen stood. Some of the actors prayed with others. Her heart began to mend. No matter what she and John decided, tonight God’s blessings poured out, tonight people were accepting God’s gift of salvation.
Joy mixed with her pain.
She glanced at the team at the center of the star and warmth flowed through her, easing her brokenness. The scene shimmered in light.
Amber Alert: Christian Contemporary Romance with Suspense (Dangerous Series Book 1) Page 21