They catch a cab to her high-rise apartment,
At last he can tell her exactly what undead want.
If you eat somebody and you think I’m sexy
Be undead and tell me so.
If you really need me just reach out and bite me
Come on, sugar, let me know.
The heart’s tasting like a plum
‘Cause at last he’s got his girl’s bone
Relax, baby, now we eat alone.
Oh.
They wake at dawn ‘cause the neighbors are screaming,
Two total strangers but that ain’t what they’re eatin'.
Outside it’s cold but Zombies aren’t a-straining,
They caught a nurse so neither one’s complaining,
He says sorry I crave some brains and a femur,
Never mind the kidney we just munch the closest loser.
If you eat a body and you think it’s sexy
Become undead and let me know.
If you’ll really turn me just reach out and bite me
Become undead and tell me so.
Oh … Zombie.
If you’ll really turn me just reach out and bite me
Come on, sugar, chew me so.
If you really, really, really, really eat me
Don’t let me go.
Just reach out and bite me, mmm.
If you really eat me
Just reach out and chew me
Come on, sugar, let me know.
If you really need me just reach out and munch me
Come on, sugar, chew me so.
If you, if you, if you really eat me
Just come on and chew me so.
CHEW ME UP, BUTTERCUP
Sung to the tune of “Build Me Up, Buttercup” by the Foundations
Why did you chew me up (chew me up) Buttercup, baby,
Just to choke me down (choke me down) and mess me around,
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never turn, baby,
When you say you will (say you will) but I chomp you still.
I’ll eat you (I eat you) more than anyone, darlin',
You know that I chewed from the start.
So chew me up (chew me up) Buttercup,
But don’t eat my heart.
“I’ll eat your head,” you told me time and again,
But you bit late, I turn around and then (bah-dah-dah),
I run to bar the door, can’t take anymore,
But it’s not you, you chase me down again.
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to grind,
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little brain, and I’ll set you free,
(Hey, hey, hey!) I’m alone,
I’ll be with my machete waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo.
Why do you chew me up (chew me up) Buttercup, baby,
I just put you down (put you down) Zombie messin’ around,
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never fall, baby,
When I smash your skull (smash your skull)
But I love you still.
I kill you (I kill you) more than anyone, darlin',
You know that you can’t eat my heart,
Don’t chew me up (chew me up) Buttercup,
Don’t eat my heart.
I was your boy but I’d be your chew toy
If I’d just let you in (bah-dah-dah).
Although you’re undead, I’m attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so?
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find,
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I’ll chop off your head,
(Hey, hey, hey!) I’ll be home,
I’ll be with my shotgun waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo.
KILLING HIM SWIFTLY
Sung to the tune of “Killing Me Softly” by Roberta Flack
Strumming my brain with his fingers,
Stinging his side with a sword,
Killing him swiftly, say so long.
Killing him swiftly, say so long,
Taking his whole life with my sword,
Killing him softly, say so long.
I heard he caught a virus,
We thought it might be a cold.
And so I came to kill him
To hunt him for a while,
And he was no longer my boy
A Zombie to my eyes.
Strumming my brain with his fingers,
Slicing his side with a sword,
Killing him swiftly, say so long.
Killing him swiftly, say so long,
Ending his whole life with my sword,
Killing him quickly, say so long.
I felt all flushed with fever,
Infected I started to turn.
I felt he was in season
And I started screaming out loud.
I prayed that he would perish,
But he just kept moving on.
Strumming my brain with his fingers,
Ending his life with my sword,
Killing him swiftly with my sword.
Killing him swiftly with his sword,
Taking his whole life with my sword,
Killing him swiftly with my sword.
Now it seems I have the virus,
I’ve started to lose my hair
And then he looked right through me
And it wasn’t fair
And he just kept on eating,
Singing his clear Zombie song.
Strumming my brain with his fingers,
Slicing his side with a sword,
Killing him swiftly with my sword.
Killing him swiftly with my sword,
Taking his life with a word,
Killing him swiftly with my sword.
[Break]
Strumming my brain with his fingers,
Ending his life with my sword,
Killing him quickly with my sword.
Killing him quickly with my sword,
Taking his life with my sword,
Killing him quickly with my sword.
He was strumming my brain.
Yeah, he was ending my life.
Killing him swiftly with my sword,
Killing him softly with his song,
Killing him swiftly with my sword,
Killing him softly With my sword.
YOU BLIGHT UP MY LIFE
Sung to the tune of “You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone
So many nights I lock down my windows
Waiting for zombies to sing me their song.
So many screams I kept deep inside me
Scared in the dark but now
You are undead.
You blight up my life,
I have no hope
To carry on.
You blight up my days,
And I spend my nights alone.
Hidin’ at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally the world’s zombie free?
Finally, it’s time to say hey,
No Zombies?
Never again to be on the run.
You blight up my life,
I have no hope
For going on.
You blight up my days,
And fill my nights with doom.
You blight up my life,
I have no hope
For going on.
You blight up my days,
And fill my nights with doom.
I’m not that strong,
And brains taste so right.
But you,
You blight up my life.
I WILL ALWAYS KILL YOU
Sung to the tune of “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston
If you I slay,
It would be my tenth Zombie today.
So I’ll kill, but I know
I’ll think of you ev’ry swing of the blade.
And I will always kill you.
I will always kill you.
You, my undead you. Hmm.
&
nbsp; Blood-stained machetes
That is all I’m taking with me.
Don’t eat my eye. Please, don’t try.
We both know I won’t let you, you feed.
And I will always kill you.
I will always kill you.
I hope that killing is kind
And I hope no more brains you dream of.
I wish to end you, swift and painless.
But above all this, I wish you were dead.
And I will always kill you.
I will always kill you.
I will always kill you.
I will always kill you.
I will always kill you.
I, I will always kill you.
You, darling, I’ll kill you.
Ooh, I’ll always, I’ll always kill you.
ZOMBIES NEED LOVE (SONGS) TOO
Whither the poor Zombie? The Undead. The Revenant. The non-stationary cadaver as it were. When our attention is focused on hacking and whacking and we stand knee deep in arterial spray, do we ever stop and consider the thoughts and needs of the beings we’re so happily dispatching? Do we realize these poor, eternally damned creatures were once our friends, our neighbors, and yes …
Even our lovers.
What this book seeks to do is restore a little of the balance to a world gone haywire in the coming Zombie Apocalypse. When you’re forced to put down your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend, partner or POSSLQ (Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters), perhaps you’ll want to remember some of the good times. When your love was new, and you could sit together on the porch swing, sharing a tall, cold glass of lemonade, without worrying your loved one would turn into a vicious, soulless, brain-eating Zombie.
Zombies seldom get a fair shake. You see, most of the time, as the Undead flock around us, we’re desperately fighting for our lives. When you’re busy killing ghouls, you don’t have time to think about things like love, and that’s too bad. And it’s the reason I wrote this book.
Perhaps you had a favorite love song you sang to each other. Now, when you are forced to kill the one you’re with, you can share one last memory of “your” song before you send that slobbering, drooling, gray-matter-munching, shuffling pile of human tissue straight to hell. Think of it as the greatest collection of love songs for the Zombie age. Maybe the two of you had a thing for the Beatles, or Elvis. Perhaps Motown or Sinatra was your musical muse. No matter what you might have enjoyed sharing, this book offers you a wide selection of hits to choose from.
And for those of you still doubting the coming Apocalypse, let me assure you, it will happen. In fact, during my research for this book, I was shocked to discover Zombies have a long and storied tradition of creating music.
How else do you explain Keith Richards?
About the Author
MICHAEL P. SPRADLIN is the author of the New York Times bestseller It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies! as well as several children’s picture books, the novels and manga volumes in the Spy Goddess series, and the Youngest Templar novels. He lives in Michigan with his family.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
About the Illustrator
JEFF WEIGEL is the illustrator of the New York Times bestseller It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies! and he wrote, illustrated, and designed the children’s picture books Atomic Ace (He’s Just My Dad), Atomic Ace and the Robot Rampage, and the historical graphic adventure novel Thunder from the Sea. He also created the character of the Sphinx for Image Comics’ Big Bang series, for which he both writes and illustrates.
Also by Michael P. Spradlin and Jeff Weigel
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies!: A Book of
Zombie Christmas Carols
ALSO BY MICHAEL P. SPRADLIN
SPY GODDESS NOVELS
Live and Let Shop
To Hawaii, with Love
SPY GODDESS MANGA
The Chase for the Chalice
The Quest for the Lance
THE YOUNGEST TEMPLAR NOVELS
Keeper of the Grail
Trail of Fate
PICTURE BOOKS
The Legend of Blue Jacket
Texas Rangers: Legendary Lawmen
Daniel Boone’s Great Escape
Off Like the Wind!: The First Ride of the Pony Express
Baseball from A to Z
Copyright
EVERY ZOMBIE EATS SOMEBODY SOMETIME. Copyright © 2010 by Michael P. Spradlin. Illustrations © 2010 by Jeff Weigel.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition © Otober 2010 ISBN: 978-0-062-06328-1
FIRST EDITION
Illustrations by Jeff Weigel
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-06-201182-4
10 11 12 13 14 OV/RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321)
Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor
Toronto, ON, M4W 1A8, Canada
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollinsPublishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1 Auckland,
New Zealand
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
77-85 Fulham Palace Road
London, W6 8JB, UK
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com
Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime Page 3