PUFFIN BOOKS
MR MAJEIKA ON THE INTERNET
Humphrey Carpenter was born and educated in Oxford and worked for the BBC before becoming a full-time writer in 1975. He has published award-winning biographies of J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, W. H. Auden, Benjamin Britten, Spike Milligan and others, and is the co-author, with his wife, Mari Prichard, of The Oxford Companion to Children’s Literature. From 1994 to 1996 he directed the Cheltenham Festival of Literature. He has written plays for radio and the theatre, including a dramatization of Gulliver’s Travels (1995), and for many years ran a young people’s drama group, the Mushy Pea Theatre Company. He has two daughters.
Books by Humphrey Carpenter
MR MAJEIKA
MR MAJEIKA AND THE DINNER LADY
MR MAJEIKA AND THE GHOST TRAIN
MR MAJEIKA AND THE HAUNTED HOTEL
MR MAJEIKA AND THE MUSIC TEACHER
MR MAJEIKA AND THE SCHOOL BOOK WEEK
MR MAJEIKA AND THE SCHOOL CARETAKER
MR MAJEIKA AND THE SCHOOL INSPECTOR
MR MAJEIKA AND THE SCHOOL PLAY
MR MAJEIKA AND THE SCHOOL TRIP
MR MAJEIKA ON THE INTERNET
MR MAJEIKA VANISHES
MR MAJEIKA AND THE LOST SPELL BOOK
THE PUFFIN BOOK OF CLASSIC
CHILDREN’S STORIES (Ed.)
SHAKESPEARE WITHOUT THE BORING BITS
MORE SHAKESPEARE WITHOUT THE
BORING BITS
HUMPHREY CARPENTER
Mr Majeika on the
Internet
Illustrated by Frank Rodgers
PUFFIN
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
www.penguin.com
First published 2001
16
This edition published 2006 for Index Books Ltd
Text copyright © Humphrey Carpenter, 2001
Illustrations copyright © Frank Rodgers, 2001
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-14-194442-5
Contents
1. Hamish Goes Online
2. The Frog-monster and the Mouse
3. Gulliver Leads the Way
4. I’m Famous!
5. Party Time
6. Work, Work, Work
7. W.W.W.
8. The End of the Web
1. Hamish Goes Online
“I have some exciting news for you all,” Mr Potter, the head teacher, told the whole of St Barty’s School at assembly one Monday morning. “We’ve been given a present of computers. There will be one for each class.”
Everyone cheered, even Hamish Bigmore, the worst-behaved boy in Class Three. “Hooray for computers!” he shouted. “They’re much better than boring old books.”
Mr Potter went on: “The computers are a gift from a business just down the road from the school. They’re installing new ones, so they’ve given us their old computers as a present.”
Hamish stopped cheering. “We don’t want old computers,” he grumbled. “We want new ones, like my computer at home. It’s a mega-giga-bigger machine than any of you lot have got,” he sneered at the rest of Class Three. “I can play computer games, download pop music off the Internet and watch a film all at once,” he boasted.
“How silly,” said Thomas, and his twin, Pete, said: “What’s the point of doing three things at once on a computer, Hamish?” But in truth Thomas and Pete both felt jealous of Hamish’s expensive new computer. At home, they had to share an old one with their father and mother, and it couldn’t do any of the things that Hamish had talked about.
“We don’t have a computer in our house,” said Jody. “My mum and dad don’t like them.”
“How silly can you get?” mocked Hamish as they walked across to Class Three’s classroom. “If you don’t have a computer, nobody can send you an e-mail. I get e-mails from all over the world,” he went on. “All sorts of famous people write to me at my e-mail address.”
“Let me guess what your e-mail address is, Hamish,” said Pete. “How about [email protected],” he suggested, dodging out of the way as Hamish tried to kick him.
In the classroom, Mr Majeika was peering at the computer which had been given to Class Three. “I haven’t the faintest idea how to work it,” he said.
“It’s easy-peasy,” said Hamish. “So easy that all the other teachers can do it standing on their heads.”
“Oh, is that how you do it?” said Mr Majeika, and he flew up in the air and zoomed down so that he landed on his head. Before Mr Majeika became a teacher he had been a wizard, and he still did some rather odd and magical things.
Hamish ignored the upside-down Mr Majeika, and sat down at the computer. He typed on it, clicked the mouse, looked at the screen, and soon got very cross. “This is a useless, rubbishy old machine,” he said. “It takes hours and hours to do anything. My computer can zap around the Internet at twice the speed of lightning, but this one is like a creaky old bike with a flat tyre.”
“Perhaps, Mr Majeika,” said Jody, “you could magic it so that it will work faster?”
Mr Majeika shook his head sadly. “I’m afraid not, Jody,” he said. “I don’t have any spells that would work on computers. They’re far too modern for my magic to have any effect on them.”
Just then Mr Potter came into the classroom. “I forgot to mention something else about the new computers,” he said.
“The school needs to have its own web site, so I’d like everyone to have a go at designing it. We’ll put the class’s winning entry on the Internet.”
“What’s a web site?” asked Mr Majeika when Mr Potter had gone. “Is it something to do with spiders?”
“No, Mr Majeika,” explained Thomas, laughing. “It’s a bit like a book or a magazine, but you read it on the computer screen.”
“And what’s that net thing Mr Potter was asking about?” said Mr Majeika. “Is it something to do with fishing?”
Jody, Thomas and Pete tried to explain to Mr Majeika about the Internet – how you can send and receive messages from all around the world on it, in j
ust a few seconds. But since wizards can travel round the world by magic, very fast indeed, Mr Majeika wasn’t impressed. “I can’t see the point of computers,” he said.
“Still, if Mr Potter wants everyone to design this web thing for the net thing, we’d better have a go.”
After a couple of days, most of Class Three had done designs for the web site, working on the class’s computer. Melanie’s was the prettiest; it had a picture of fleecy lambs frisking around the school gate, beneath which were the words “Come to St Barty’s School, where the teachers are the sweetest in the world.” Hamish’s was the ugliest; it had a picture of Hamish himself, with the words “This is the STAR PUPIL of St Barty’s School, well-known celebrity HAMISH BIGMORE, tanned, handsome, six feet three inches tall.”
“You’re not six feet three inches tall, Hamish,” laughed Thomas. “You wouldn’t be as tall as that even if you stood on a chair. And I think your web site is stupid.”
“Not as stupid as yours, fatface,” said Hamish, sticking out his tongue at Thomas. “It’s just a boring old map of the school, with silly drawings of the teachers.”
Thomas and Pete had worked together on the map and the drawings. The map was a bit peculiar. “We’ve made the school toilets look bigger than the classrooms,” said Pete. And their drawing of Mr Potter made him look like a mad old tramp.
In the end, it was Jody’s web site which Mr Potter decided to put on the Internet. It had a very good drawing of Mr Majeika, with the words “Come to St Barty’s School, it’s really magical!”
Hamish was very cross not to be the winner. Thomas and Pete found him at Class Three’s computer, writing an e-mail to someone, but he wouldn’t let them read it.
The next day, when Class Three arrived in the morning, their computer had vanished, and in its place stood a brand new one, twice as big, with an enormous screen. Hamish Bigmore said he didn’t know where it had come from. “But he’s
got a nasty grin on his face,” said Jody, “so, Mr Majeika, I think we should be very careful how we use this strange new computer.”
2. The Frog-monster and the Mouse
The new computer sat in a corner of the classroom while Mr Majeika started to teach the next lesson. “This term we’re going to begin to learn a little geometry,” he said. “Geometry is the shape of things. Triangles, for instance.” He drew a triangle on the blackboard. “Can anybody tell me how many sides this triangle has got?”
Jody put up her hand and said, “Three.”
Mr Majeika nodded, but everybody started laughing. On the giant screen of the new computer had appeared the words “Nonsense! Any idiot knows that a triangle has seventeen sides.”
Mr Majeika frowned. “Hamish Bigmore,” he said crossly, “are you up to something?”
Hamish shook his head and said, “It’s nothing to do with me, Mr Majeika. I haven’t touched the computer, have I?”
Mr Majeika tried to get on with the lesson. “If a triangle has three sides,” he asked, “how many sides are there in a square?” He drew a square on the blackboard, and everyone called out, “Four sides”. But the computer screen was now saying, “Don’t be so stupid! Any fool knows that a square has one million sides.”
“Let’s turn the computer off, Mr Majeika,” said Pete, and Mr Majeika agreed. But although Pete turned the computer’s main switch to “off”, and even pulled out the electrical plug from the wall, the machine refused to switch off. “Silly fools!” the words on its screen now said. “However hard you try, you’ll never be able to turn me off.”
“Do a spell over it, Mr Majeika,” said Jody. “Surely you can think of some magic that’s powerful enough to stop it being such a nuisance.”
Mr Majeika thought for a moment, then he shut his eyes, waved his hands, and muttered the words of a spell.
Everything went black, and there were flashing lights and very odd noises. Class Three felt as if they were being whirled round and round. Then the noises died down, and it started to get light again.
“Phew! That’s a relief,” said Mr Majeika. “I really didn’t think the spell would work. But look, the computer has vanished.”
“Wait a minute, Mr Majeika,” said Jody. “We can’t see the computer, but where do you think we are?”
“In our classroom as usual,” said Thomas. “Look, there are the tables and chairs.”
“But there’s something funny going on,” said Pete. “There’s a huge window of glass between us and the rest of the room.”
“Yes,” said Jody, “and if you turn round, what’s behind us?” Thomas and Pete turned.
“The whole wall is glowing!” said Thomas.
“And there are giant words on it,” said Pete.
“Yes,” said Mr Majeika. “It says, ‘Ha! ha! You’ve really gone and done it now, you silly idiot.’ ”
“I’m awfully afraid, Mr Majeika,” said Jody, “that your spell has made things far worse. Don’t you realize where we are? We’re inside the computer – between the glass and the screen! And I don’t know how we’ll ever get out.”
Melanie started to cry, the way she always did when something went wrong in Class Three, and Thomas shouted: “Look! There’s someone who isn’t inside the computer.”
Sure enough, Hamish Bigmore was still standing in the classroom, on the other side of the glass. They couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he was laughing nastily. As they watched, he sat down at the computer and started to type things on the keyboard.
Suddenly the giant screen behind them changed, and on it they could read the giant words “Come to St Barty’s School, it’s really magical!”
“That’s the web site you designed, Jody,” said Pete. “Perhaps we could find a way out of the computer by exploring it.”
“Yes,” said Thomas, “the letter ‘a’ in ‘St Barty’s’ has turned into a door. Let’s all walk through it and see what’s on the other side.” He opened the ‘a’, and, rather nervously, they all followed him through it.
Inside, it was very dark, but in the distance they could see a small glowing doorway.
“Let’s try that,” said Pete. They began walking towards it when suddenly there was a huge whooshing sound and a giant green monster appeared.
Everyone screamed and tried to run away, but just then some bouncy music started to play, and Class Three found they were being lifted up in the air by an invisible force. They landed on the back of the monster, who zoomed off at high speed, carrying them out of the dark place into a strange country full of tall towers and nasty-looking castles.
“Help!” said Jody. “How will we ever get back to school, Mr Majeika?”
The music changed from the bouncy tune and began to sound more frightening, and the green monster stopped zooming around.
“Hey,” said Pete, “I recognize these tunes, don’t you, Thomas? They’re from a computer game we’ve got at home.”
“Yes,” said Thomas, “it’s a game called ‘Zoggo the Frog-monster’. Of course! We’ve been riding on Zoggo’s back!”
“You mean, we’re in a computer game?” said Jody.
“Yes,” said Pete, “and I think we’ve just got to the bit where Zoggo is attacked by something much nastier. Oh no! Here it is coming now!”
A huge grey slimy thing was squelching along towards them.
“It’s Slime-o the Giant Sea Slug,” said Thomas. “Help!”
“We must get out of this game!” said Jody.
“If we’re in the game,” said Thomas, “someone must be playing it. Oh yes – look! Guess who!”
They looked through the giant glass screen behind them. Sure enough, there was the person who was playing the computer game and giving them all such a dangerous time – of course, it was Hamish Bigmore. He was grinning all over his face.
“What’s that he’s got on the table, under his hand?” asked Mr Majeika.
“That’s the mouse,” said Jody.
“It doesn’t look like a mouse,” said Mr Majeika. “It�
�s grey, but it’s made of plastic.”
“It’s called a mouse,” Thomas explained, “because it looks a bit like one. It’s part of the computer – the part that makes exciting things happen when you move it about and click it. But it’s not a real mouse, Mr Majeika.”
“Oh, isn’t it?” said Mr Majeika. And he shut his eyes and waved his hands. Through the glass they could hear a scream. The computer mouse had turned into a real mouse. Hamish was yelling, because it was a very big mouse, and it had sunk its teeth into his clothes. Before he could get free, it had somehow dragged him through the glass and into the computer.
“How do you do?” said the mouse to Mr Majeika and Class Three.
3. Gulliver Leads the Way
“Thank you for coming to rescuing us,” said Jody to the mouse. “Now can we please all get out of this computer?”
The mouse frowned. “I’m afraid you can’t,” he said. “Or at least, I don’t know how you will manage it. You see, computers are worked from the outside, with a mouse like me. But now I’m inside it, with all of you, I’m powerless to help you escape.”
Melanie started to cry again. “Boo-hoo! We’re going to be in this horrid computer for ever and ever, and I’ll never see my mummy and daddy again.” And the truth was, the rest of Class Three felt just as miserable.
“What a lot of stupid idiots you are,” said Hamish Bigmore, who was starting to recover from his shock. “I think being in a computer is much more exciting than being in a boring old classroom, and having boring old mums and dads collect you from school at the end of the afternoon, so they can take you back to your boring old homes. This is our big chance! We can surf the Internet. We can visit all sorts of places and people right round the world, thanks to the power of electronics. It’s far more exciting than your stupid old magic, Mr Majeika.”
Mr Majeika looked at the mouse. “What do you think?” he asked. “Could we really do some travelling on that net thing, and maybe, in time, get to somewhere that has a way out of the computer?”
Mr Majeika on the Internet Page 1