“Since that trip to Santa Barbara, you’re the only person I’ve thought about.” Mason cups my chin with his hands. “Nine, I care so much about you, that I’d wait an eternity if that’s what you need.”
“What if I’m ready now?” I interlace my hands behind his neck. “You know what my problem is, Mase—you scare me. This entire situation—you can snap my heart in two and there won’t be a Mason to pick me up from the hole this time.”
Mason releases my chin, circles my waist with his arms and lifts me off the floor. “Silly girl.” He gives me a tight squeeze, one I return by clinging tightly to him. “Nine, you scare the shit out of me, too.” His words comfort me. I’m not alone in this. In fact, with him I’m never alone. “You don’t have to do this to make me happy. I swear that I have no intentions of finding someone else.”
The knowledge that he would wait eases the concern I have carried around with me. It dawns on me that I have safeguarded my thoughts and held my tongue in fear of losing him. Soon, I’ll shake all those stupid traumas Porter left behind. It wasn’t fair for Mason to deal with them; it isn’t fair to have a girlfriend who can’t be herself because of them, either.
“I’m ready for us, Mase,” I declare. His eyes drift for a second, and a second later they beam as they focus back on me. “There are so many doubts I have, but this isn’t one of them.”
“If you’re sure about it,” he lowers his voice. “Then I’ll make you mine tonight.”
The anticipation of finally being with him has my body quivering and my panties soaked. As we reach the bedroom, he snatches my lips, sucking and nipping. I hear myself whimpering as his mouth detaches from mine as he gently lowers me to the bed.
“I can’t believe that wish number five is about to happen,” he murmurs as his lips trace my ear, my jaw, and the base of my neck with tiny kisses. My overactive brain insists that I ask what he means about wishes, but his touch makes me forget everything and that mouth of his shuts down all coherent thoughts. “Are we… Are you okay with this? No regrets and all that stuff?”
“Regret, you? Pfft,” I respond.
He pulls off my t-shirt and the cami I wear. “This view… mmm, take your hair down. The wish won’t be complete until that lovely mane is on top of the pillow.”
Mason pulls down my jeans and stares at me. Well, it’s more like he can’t tear his eyes away from the black lace number I wore today. My legs weaken with that look of admiration, lust, and, I want to hope, love. If it isn’t love, at least caring.
“So much more beautiful than I anticipated—so fucking perfect.” He lowers himself to the bed, his body on top of mine. I suck on my lip anticipating his next move, and to my surprise, his mouth latches onto my lip. He sucks on it, teasing it gently with his teeth. “I’ll call this officially mine, you can’t suck on it. Each time I watch you, it makes me want to take you. Hard.”
Please take me, I want to beg. Instead, I jerk on the hem of his shirt and get rid of it.
“Slow down, my lovely Nine,” he murmurs in my ear, his lips tracing my jaw and then lowering to my chest. “It’s my turn, lady. You can have yours later. For now, keep your hands above your head while I taste every crevice of you. I want to hear you scream my name while you come for me. I crave to bring your entire body to life just for me.” His fingers unhook my bra, sliding the one strap down and then the other. The slow movements cause my entire body to vibrate with need for more than the slight friction of his soft touch.
“Only one piece left until my present is fully unwrapped,” he mumbles as his mouth travels from my belly button to the trim of my panties. His tongue licks the edge, but instead of pulling the barely there piece of clothing, his mouth continues its exploration. He starts kissing the inside of my left thigh, skipping the important part and heads to the right one. “You taste fantastic; I can savor you all night.”
“Please, I need you to fuck me with your mouth, Mason Bradley,” I finally beg him to take mercy of me before I combust.
“My, my, you think you can take control here too, don’t you?” He laughs, and as his head tilts I can see a storm brewing in those gray eyes. “Didn’t I tell you? If I don’t watch out, you’re going to be the one calling the shots for the rest of my life.”
I whimper as his thumb traces a line on top of my clit. “I’m aching for you. Please Ten.”
“Anything for you.” He pulls my panties down then looks back at me at the exact moment two of his fingers enter me. He moves them in and out while his thumb circles my clit. “As long as you don’t beg me to stop.” His face lowers and his mouth begins to twirl around my labia while his fingers continue their invasion. As the pleasure intensifies, my body meets his hand wanting release, wanting the buildup to finally cease or… fuck, fuck, yes.
“Mase,” I cry out before I ride the waves of ecstasy. I suddenly feel empty as his fingers pull out, but his mouth takes the ride along with me, licking the juices from my pussy. My eyes close the moment his mouth leaves me. I listen intently, and hear him ripping that foil packet and his heavy steps that fall closer to the bed. The bed dips on the right side, and the heat of his skin warms me. My eyes open.
“You sure?”
“Of course, Mase. Always.”
He nudges my thighs apart and swiftly fills me; he stills and watches me for a few breaths. His mouth lowers and as he thrusts in and out, our tongues move at the same slow, loving motion. I want to melt, to stay like this forever while I give myself entirely to him. The kiss becomes deeper while driving his cock further inside me. I match his strength and we both begin to move faster, frantically trying to meld our bodies together. He drives me to the edge, and our mouths separate as I spiral out of control, screaming his name again. Mason thrusts one last time before he releases a primitive groan and his body slumps on top of mine. Before I say those three words, I love you; I bite his shoulder with the same intensity that my body vibrates.
Mason’s breathing relaxes, his neck turns slightly, and as if someone has thrown a bucket of ice water on him, he springs out of the bed and stares at me as if I had done something unforgivable. Without a word, he turns around and heads to the bathroom.
“Are you staying for the night?” Yes, that sounds better than begging him not to second-guess what just happened and leave me. The fear is back because I don’t think I can survive if he breaks my heart. I don’t want to go down that road again, being vulnerable for someone to step all over my heart.
He doesn’t answer. I wait until he comes out and he’s already wearing his boxer briefs “What are your wishes?”
“If I tell you …,” the typical answer doesn’t sound the same as it always does. It’s forced, desperate.
His gray eyes stare at me and my heart insists that I shouldn’t hold it any longer. Reason demands that the words will erase the uncertainty in his eyes. Filled with courage, I go for it. “I love you,” I whisper then suck on my top lip when he flinches.
His eyes grow two sizes bigger, and his lips stretch showing his white teeth. “You do?”
I squeeze my eyes and nod, commanding my face not to flush—too late. I gradually open my eyes and find an intense gaze staring back at me. His eyes aren’t talking to me. There’s no light or shine anymore. It’s not as if I expected him to say it back, but… for the first time since we started dating, I’m the only player left in the court.
Move, idiot. Fake something, maybe that you give a shit about what she said or that you don’t want to put your shoes back on and escape without looking back. It happened, something happened just now. My body combusted as I had the most orgasmic experience of my fucking life.
My mind told me to head out before I regretted everything, but it took me too long to recover. Once I saw her, I knew it. She fucking glowed, as if a superior being had touched her and made her holy. I had hoped that by the time I finished cleaning myself and recovering from the hit of everything, she’d be better. Instead, she started asking questions and blurted, ‘I lo
ve you’ with a sexy voice, and then turned a pretty red while sucking on her lip. Her green eyes full and hopeful for me to reciprocate those nonsense words.
Bite me again, I want to plead. That hurt less than looking at that hopeful face that won’t get anything in return. It had finally been our big sex night, her and I closing that gap and becoming intimate. She ruined it with those typical girly words: I love you. Expectant, she waited for me, and I couldn’t deliver anything, not a kiss or a response. She should be thankful that at least I didn’t tell her goodbye, or that those words scared the crap out of me. I have no idea what to do if she repeats them, and I send a silent prayer that it was only some jabber from the heat of the moment.
No one outside of my parents and family has ever told me those words. Exploring the memories of my past, I can’t recall if Meghan ever said them. No doubt if she had, I would’ve left her side. Or not, I don’t remember.
We became comfortable with one another, and when she decided it was time, she asked for the ring. “It’s been long enough and I want to be married before I’m twenty-four,” she explained with the same tone she used during her presentations in class. “Then have children at twenty-six and twenty-nine. If they are boys, one should have your name and the second my father’s. If they are girls, maybe my grandmother’s name. That’ll grant me some favoritism for when she dies.”
I followed her instructions, bought a princess cut at Tiffany’s and proposed at the Sky City restaurant. She’d have plenty of time to organize the wedding, she had said. Until she changed her plans, deciding to move to Boston, and I became aware that there were more important things in life than a steady relationship that would follow the same path as my parents: divorce.
My attention shifts to the television, wondering when she turned that on. I’ve no idea what we’re watching; the screen shows a blonde woman with a pixie haircut inside a bookstore filled with Halloween decorations. “You okay?” I ask the human ball that sits on top of the bed with her chin on top of her knees and jaw tightened so hard, I fear her teeth may break.
“Of course.” Her concentration never leaves the flat screen.
Everything is ruined. Our relationship, this new thing we tried, and I can’t take the hurt away. It’s all in her stiffness and distance. A barrier. Damn it, she’s never put that between us.
Please, don’t. Not with me. Never with me.
My phone buzzes; I take it out of my jeans and connect while getting dressed.
“Yeah?” I pick it up while thinking of ways to get out of the shithole I’m in.
“Where are you, Bradley?” Kowalski questions through the line.
“At my girl’s. Why?”
“Wings needs you to drive a recognition drone along with him,” he explains. “Are you coming to the office or do you want me to bring the equipment over?”
The little ball stiffens more. I don’t want this thing—distance—to linger around for long, and end up losing her forever. Fuck, what happened to running away? “Bring it over, please. It’s in my office,” I say to him. I take the receiver away from my mouth and direct the question toward her, “Mind if I use your office for a couple of hours?”
“My internet connection is crap. It’ll be best if you head to your office.” A bullet shoots right into my chest, making it explode and tighten all at the same time. “Don’t stay on my account, Mason.” Her eyes remain on the screen.
I want to tell her not to be upset and give her whatever she wants from me to regain that happy girl I had in my arms only minutes ago. I squat in front of her looking directly inside of those crystal, emerald eyes and try to plea for her to come back to me. “I want to stay.” I touch her cheek. “It might be weeks until I’m back, and I’ll miss you. It’s only a couple of hours and then it’s us, Nine, but only if you allow me to stay.” She shakes her head, her arms hugging her tight. Fuck. Hugs. I didn’t cuddle. She’s a hugger. “Kowalski, I’ll call you back.” I hang up.
“Sorry,” I apologize for being an asshole. Maybe, just maybe, I should end this before I hurt her worse because I can’t be who she might need or want. This has been fun, being with her. The sex was mind blowing; never in my life have I ever come so hard. But, then there’s the part where the fantasy of being with her is taken over by the reality of the expectations.
“You did nothing, Mason.” She can’t lift those pouty lips as hard as the muscles of her mouth work to form a smile. “I bet it’s PMS. Good thing you’re leaving, right? Don’t mind me, I can get bitchy. Ask my family. As I said, it’s best if you go.”
Those bitchy moments are never because her hormones are at a high, but because someone hurt her and she can’t say it. I know, because I’ve been the ear she talks to when those moments happen. My brain reminds me that she’s giving me the perfect out.
“Mason.” She finally lifts her gaze; her green eyes are filled with rage, sadness, and disappointment. “You have to give me some space right now. Please leave my room, my house, and don’t call me. I’m trying to work through some things. Please, go away.”
The doorbell rings, and I head to open it. Kowalski hands over my things without a word and leaves. I’m in the middle of a serious life crisis, and I choose to work instead. Nine can work whatever shit she needs to while I do my job. We’ll fix this and come to some sort of compromise. If possible, I’ll hold onto her as much and for as long as she lets me until I have to face that reality and leave for good.
It doesn’t take us long to run the surveillance, and once we finish I place the drone back into the cargo compartment. When I head upstairs, Ainse is laying in her bed, and I’m torn between leaving her a note or staying with her for the night. The former is the best way to end things before I tangle myself deeper into this relationship, but the one thing I throw out the window when it comes to Ainse is logic.
Bradley: Kowalski, postpone our plans until you hear from me.
Kowalski: You sure?
Bradley: Yes.
We can do this. As long as I don’t allow us to get in deeper shit, we’ll survive. I undress, leaving only my boxers, and hop in the bed pulling her against me. She snuggles into me, each soft curve fitting perfectly against my body. I regret my earlier reaction. For the first time in my life, sex excites me and terrifies me all at the same time.
‘Having a meaningful first time.’ I recall her words. Fuck, it meant something, so much I want to leave. In the end, she had required some kind of surrender on my part and I couldn’t. I can’t ever deliver it, not even for her. However, I fear that if I don’t find out what it is that she wants and hand it over, I’ll lose what we have right now.
“You’re finally awake,” a husky voice murmurs in my ear.
Instead of opening my eyes, I squeeze them tighter, hoping the dream continues before I have to face the reality that I gave my heart away, and Mason broke it all over again. When am I going to learn that it’s too fragile to keep outside of the ice chest? My pain is momentarily soothed by the steel arms that hold my body, the fingers caressing my skin, and the soapy, musky smell I love so much. Fuck, why did I have to fall in love?
My eyes open wide; a hard muscled body towers over me while greenish-gray eyes stare, and a white grin greets me, “Hi, beautiful.” Mason’s mouth slides over my throat, his warm palm cupping my breast. My entire body throbs, and I keep my mouth sealed avoiding any sound. His mouth takes nibbles from my throat all the way to my breasts. With one hand, his thumb strums my nipple while his mouth sucks on the other. My response is a huge moan followed by a shiver as his other hand starts to ease toward the edge of my panties. I push it away with my pelvis.
“No, don’t. Please don’t.” I press my lips together tightly because I can’t say anything else. He flinches and his arms grasp me tighter, as if he fears I’ll escape. I desperately want to get out of here before I lose my courage and let this train head toward that massive concrete wall that I know awaits at the end of the tracks. Yesterday was the perfect example of what
he can do to me. Never again. I never should’ve allowed this to happen, not after Porter. There’s no middle ground for me—I’m either a heartless bitch or I give my heart away.
“Ainse, I’m sorry for being an insensitive asshole with you after…”
“We fucked.” I finish for him; my heart hurts, as I refer to it the way he wants to hear it. Talk about meaningful, it was everything—so perfect. Then it became everything I have tried to avoid: another fuck. “No harm done, I know how sex works. In, out, and goodbye. Been having it since the age of nineteen, nothing changes. You had fun, and at least I can brag that I did, too. Many guys are selfish, but not you. Now, why don’t you get the fuck out of my house. Because let me tell you, that’s how it works. You fuck and you leave.”
AJ, don’t hurt when you hurt.
Mason’s lips caress my lips, then he kisses my left breast. “What are you trying to accomplish with those words?” He holds me in a tight grip, and I can’t escape him. One hand is free and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear before it glides up and down my arm. “Hurt me the way I hurt you by being an ass? Maybe I deserve it, but let’s not do that; see who can do the most damage to the other. I know that as I saw you hurting, I hurt just as much.” Mason kisses the top of my head. “We’re not leaving this bed until we agree on a few things.” He kisses my forehead, my eyes, and then my nose. “My experience is limited to two hours tops, fucking without giving a shit about my sex partner. Nothing more than a couple of orgasms involved. Last night, we had much more than that, we both know it.”
My body stops fighting against his limbs and I listen.
“I’ve never in my life experienced what we did yesterday—ever. My brain didn’t know how to react.” He hugs me tighter. “With you, I’m like a child learning social cues. It was much more than sex, Nine, I can’t describe it, but it meant the world to me.”
His stormy eyes settle as they stare at me, then nothing but calmness takes over. I know that his internal fight continues, but for my sake, he’s giving me the best he can. Mason can’t say that we made love, or that he cares more for me than he wants to accept. However, I take the crumbs that he’s giving me because I need them. “I’m sorry for what I said.” I decide not only to apologize but also offer a bigger olive branch. “Let’s never try to hurt each other that way—with words.”
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