by Rayya Deeb
It didn’t help that an underlying heartache permeated my thoughts no matter what I did. I was so disconnected from everyone— Dom, my mom, Reba, and I had completely lost all my friendships back home when I left for Seneca. All I had that remained with my friends in the Aboves were remnants of each other in our hearts. It was so painful at first that I actually had to block it out. I couldn’t bear going through something like that again. A hole expanded inside of my chest. I wondered if any of my loved ones thought of me, too. This loneliness could kill me before any neurological procedure could. I could easily have curled up in a ball to sob those feelings out until I had no tears left to cry, but I had to push my feelings down for now. I had to get to work to restore the memories that would help me understand where I was and where I was going next.
I could play the memories back in the sequential order in which they had occurred before I reinserted them into my permanent mind, but they wouldn't stick unless I issued that command. I had to deconstruct the encoding inside the neural pathways that constructed each individual memory to make sure they were clear or washed free of the bug before I reinserted it for good.
Performing a wash on each memory would be an incredibly time-consuming task, so what I decided to do was keep only the ones that were clearly pertinent to the situation at hand.
I took my mind back to Peru and found the first memory I had on the day of that May 20th back-up when I was at the outfitter. The exact moment that the bug hit me was when I held up the eggplant colored backpack. I wanted to remember that, so I scrubbed the memory and reinserted it.
Immediately after that process, I felt the floor move beneath my feet and I braced myself for a bout of dizziness. I closed my eyes until the spins stopped. Then I took a drink of water and a few deep breaths. My palms were sweaty from all the caffeine and I was uncomfortably jittery, too, but I needed to channel that into focus rather than let it destroy me.
There were no other memories of value from inside the outfitter so I moved on. Along I jogged through my journey on the bus, and out into the woods where it became insanely convoluted. This section of my memories didn't even make sense— they felt more like hallucinations that some other person had. Had I fallen against the cliff in the pouring down rain? I referred back to my scar and touched it. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t remember. But the scar on my body indicated it did happen. I had to dig deeper into these stored memories, but it just didn’t feel real. I hated that I couldn’t piece together and make sense of it. I played back that memory again and tried to feel myself fall. I needed to keep it, whether it was real or not, because it was the only thing that could explain this weeks-old gash on my arm.
I suddenly had a dizzy spell even worse than the last one. I dropped my head into my hands. It took almost double the time for the vertigo to pass, and when it did, I felt extra parched. I stood up to go get more water, but I lost my footing and had to sit back on the bed with my heavy head in my hands. Come on, Doro, this is important! Don’t fail yourself now just because you can’t handle a little discomfort.
I lifted my head from the cradle of my hands and peered at the clock through squinted eyes— five in the morning! How was that possible?! Were the intense NeuroQuE procedure and erratic brain activity responsible for this impeding state of delirium? Or was it the fact that I hadn’t a full night of rest in God knows how long? R.E.M. was just a dream for this girl. I didn’t have dreams anymore. My subconscious was lost. Nights were a blur of fading off and startling awake into accelerated thoughts that wouldn’t stop. The nocturnal mayhem produced pools of sweat into which my sanity fell and swam away.
I opened my eyes but couldn’t see straight and when I closed them again, it was like I got whisked away in a gust of wind. I reached back for the ground that moved farther away. Forgotten days blended together into a tornado of sensations and sounds that made no sense. I tried to make it stop so I could recall what I’d experienced in the past few weeks, or months, but it felt like a vacuum had sucked me down from the sky into a pit of raging tumbleweeds. I was sprawled out on the edge of a body of water but I couldn’t drink. I couldn’t move…
But I wasn’t dead so I wasn’t going to stop. I couldn’t stop. I was getting closer to the memories that I needed to retrieve.
The winds picked up and I tumbled again. Harder this time. But in the cyclone of sounds— computerized beeps and swooshes and howling winds— I heard their voices: Dom and Reba. They echoed in the darkness and then there was rain, crashing down. It was inside me and it was outside me. My clothes were sopping wet. Steam came off of my body and encircled Dom and Reba, there in the wilderness… and Ellen! They were all there, and then they were gone.
I stopped. I planted my hands and knees into the gooey muck. Or was it my bed? It was both. I needed to plant this memory back in my mind immediately so I could feel right about my friends.
I played the memory back again.
Dom and Reba tried to get through to me on FigureFlex. I was in the wilderness. I saw myself from above.
“He came for me,” I muttered to myself. There was calm in the chaos. I felt his energy radiating into my heart. But the calm proved elusive and I couldn’t fend off the intensifying shakes. My disequilibrium cranked up tenfold as I took that memory back in.
I couldn’t see straight even if I tried. I couldn’t open my eyes to look at the files I needed to pull because my vision shook and electricity zapped away at my brain, frying it like a chicken nugget.
I had to keep going. I forced my eyes open. I was on my bed. I tried again to access more memories.
Nausea bubbled from the pit of my stomach up through my throat and I dry heaved.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
I stirred awake. I was curled up in a tight ball on my bed and quickly shot up to a seat. I gasped for a breath. I moaned and rubbed at my temples. A throbbing headache paralyzed me.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Someone was frantic at my door.
I stood up, dizzy like crazy, and thrust my arms out for balance. I flexed through the door speaker, “Who is it?”
A voice amplified back through, “Doro, it’s Mom. Please open your door!”
I immediately commanded the door to open.
She rushed in and threw her arms around me.
“Oh my god, Doro.”
“What?”
“Thank god you’re okay.”
My mom burst into tears. “You’ve got to stop doing this,” she sobbed.
“Huh? What’s wrong?”
I felt so confused, and I just wanted to hug my mom back, but I had to sit.
“Doro. Honey…”
My mom sat down next to me and hugged me tight.
“You’ve got me worried sick.”
“What happened?”
“Really, Doro? For starters, you just returned from being missing with no word for almost a month, and now I haven’t heard from you in days. I thought you were just upset with me but then I got a call from one of your session leaders looking for you since you haven’t shown up for two days.”
“What time is it?”
I looked at my clock: it was six o’clock, two days after I went on the FigureFlex tour of the Aboves. Insane. I hadn’t slept for that long of a stretch in my entire life. Not ever.
“Is this related to our argument the other day?” my mom quietly asked.
“What argument?”
I looked at her sad eyes. She didn’t have on any make-up and she had obviously been crying. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her hair was down and it looked more gray than ever.
“Doro, you’re really scaring me.”
It destroyed me once again that I had done this to her. I was killing my mom and I didn’t mean for that at all. All I wanted was for her to be happy.
“Mom, it’s okay. I’m fine. I was just wiped out from all this work I’ve been doing.”
“This is crazy. All this work! You’re still a kid, Doro. You need a break, and I am going to demand it.”
�
��No!” Ahh! My head was killing me. It felt like it was being wrung like a wet rag.
“We need to call a doctor.”
“Mom. No. Please. I promise I will rest. I just need a little bit of time. I promise you. Please.”
“Honey.”
“If I can just get another full night’s sleep. I promise, okay? I will be more conscientious about getting rest. Mom, please.”
I could tell how hard it was for my mom to let me guide what happened next. It was the nurse and mother in her that wanted to take care of me and prescribe a doctor’s visit. But she didn’t know what I really needed, and oh man, if she knew even a fraction of what I had been through since coming to Seneca, it would give her a massive heart attack.
She rubbed my back and, for the first time in as long as I could remember, comfort washed over me. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and that put a little smile on my mom’s face. I closed my eyes and faded.
36
MY MOM STAYED with me through the weekend, waking me up to eat and drink and periodically wiping my forehead with a cool cloth. The symptoms I had were unlike anything I’d ever felt. It was like a mental flu had taken hold of my whole body sending shockwaves from my fingers to my toes and leaving a brassy taste in my mouth no matter how I tried to cover it up. My mom, the best nurse in the history of the world (inspired by her hero Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross,) said she’d never seen anything like it. She said that my body was probably recovering from whatever trauma I’d been through over the past month. I maintained that I couldn’t recollect a thing.
I couldn’t wait to move on with the motions of going to session so I could come back and pull more memories. I still needed to get up to speed on my status with Dom and understand the full picture with my dad.
Monday morning I was headed back to S.E.R.C., and my mom was headed back to pick up Killer from the doggy play center he had spent many days in now. She’d probably have to nurse him back to normal, because he was always wiped out after doggy day care in the Aboves. Killer seriously loved being with other dogs. He went bananas for girl dogs. I missed my bouncy furball and looked forward to snuggling him again, bad breath and all. My mom made me promise to flex her my whereabouts after session.
As I stepped off the acoustic carrier, my head started to pound again, but it actually wasn't as bad as it had been right after I had reinserted my memories. I figured if anything was terribly wrong, Dr. Cairncross would make sure I was called back to Claytor Lake.
I saw Reba down the golden hall. He smiled when he saw me and started heading my way. Just then I felt someone take my hand.
“Dorothy.”
“Jennifer, hi.”
“I haven’t seen you around. Are you okay?” she inquired, appearing quite concerned with a furrowed brow and eyes locked on mine.
“Yeah, I just had a little bug.”
“Oh no. Well, listen. I hope you’re up for a little adventure because I’d like for you to accompany me to the Aboves. In real life, not via FigureFlex.”
“Really, me, why? What’s going on?”
I noticed Reba had stopped short of us and was watching our conversation.
“It’s a surprise, but I will say, it is a huge deal.”
“I don’t have clearance to traverse though.”
“When you’re with me, you have clearance for anything.”
I could not deny that I was intrigued. I looked over and smiled and waved at Reba. He had an intriguing look about him. Squinted eyes and a stoic face. Like he was unsure about Jennifer and I conversing and trying to make emotional calculations about it.
“You know, thanks, but I shouldn’t go,” I said.
Jennifer was visibly surprised that I turned down the offer.
“I think you’re making a mistake,” she said. “My dad has some big plans for us.”
Us, I thought. Wow. This trip to the Aboves was no minor offer. What could these plans possibly be? “Plans for us? Like what?”
“Don’t you think you should at least come give it a listen?”
As far as I knew, Frank Wallingsford was one of the most powerful people in Seneca. He was a guy who believed in me, and basically saved Dom and me in that Seneca Senate hearing where Gregory tried to have us banished to the Aboves. Plus, he had given me the opportunity to stay in Seneca in the first place, and he’d never done anything to betray me. The least I could do was see what was on the table. I couldn’t trust his brother, Billy, with all his power company wheelings and dealings, but he was not his brother.
I looked back to Reba. He was deadpan. I shrugged, not sure why he didn’t just come up to talk with us. I was too curious to walk away and not know what these proposed plans were.
Jennifer and I took an acoustic carrier to the ascension dome where we were joined by two men in black. They escorted us up to the fairytale Great Falls grass and there was an awaiting flighter for the four of us.
Once we were in flight, I inquired some more about our destination. “I have to say the suspense is killing me.”
Jennifer’s face brightened. “It will be worth it. I don’t know why we don’t hang out more, but I think we are going to get to see more of each other.”
I was familiar with this flight path. We were headed back into Washington, D.C., on the tail end of morning traffic.
“Well, I’m not sure exactly what I did to deserve the trip, but thanks for bringing me along.”
“Of course! Are you kidding? It’s our pleasure to have you. Actually, my dad suggested you come. Like I said, he’s got big plans for us.”
Now I was on the edge of my seat. Especially because each time I had a big meeting with Frank Wallingsford, my life shifted in a major way.
“Can you give me a hint?”
“Sure.” Jennifer smiled. “Have you ever thought of yourself as a pioneer?”
“Not exactly.”
“Well, you should.”
“Only if I get a horse and a covered wagon.”
The Wallingsfords had some grandiose, notorious reputations, but they had always been awesome to me. Frank Wallingsford was the one who had invited me to stay in Seneca to begin with. He was also responsible for demoting Gregory Zaffron and for initiating Operation Crystal. I wanted to stay on the up and up with them, and I knew they had the power to help bring my family back together. I also felt it would be advantageous to solidify my alignment with them while Ellen was busy uncovering the backstory with Flexer Technology Corporation’s placing a bug on my implant.
“I have no idea what that means but I'm totally up for pioneering with you.”
“Good,” Jennifer said, and she pointed out the window. “I love this building.”
We landed at the base of the steps for The Smithsonian's National Air and Space Museum, put on our protective goggles, and stepped out onto a striped white crosswalk. Today it was secured off from the public, and there were several hundred protesters outside.
“What's that all about?” I asked.
“There are always people that will fight change even if that change is good for them,” Jennifer said. “Know what I mean?”
I did.
Jennifer and I were accompanied inside the museum by the men in black. It was a gorgeous space that we entered, flooded with natural light through the wall of windows. Even though the artificial sunlight in Seneca was a darn good replicate, nothing could beat the real thing. I looked up at the soaring ceilings lined in geometrical white truss.
The buzz and energy inside were infectious. Powerful people mingled and made their way in the same direction as Jennifer and I.
“This was always my favorite museum as a kid,” Jennifer told me.
“I can see why.”
“Ever had astronaut ice cream?” she asked.
I smiled. “No, but it sounds amazing.”
Jennifer instructed our escorts that we’d make a pit stop in the gift shop, where she bought me a vacuum-sealed pack of Neapolitan ice cream— chocolate, vani
lla, strawberry. I immediately opened it, and nibbled on it as we walked into the Milestones of Flight Hall.
“What do you think?” she asked.
“Interesting.” It was really chalky.
Jennifer laughed. “Right? Well you’d better get used to it.”
Get used to it? Was Jennifer implying that I’d be going into space with her? I needed be careful with how I responded. I just wished my lingering headache would go away. Power through, Doro. Power through. This was huge.
The Milestones of Flight Hall was incredible with various aircrafts of yesteryear suspended in the air above us. In the air between a spaceship and a podium on a stage a digital 3D projection read: Southern Gate Exploration Welcomes You to Mars. Time lapse images of people building out agricultural and city infrastructure on the red planet played with inspirational piano music.
I was pretty blown away and couldn’t take my eyes off the projection as we made our way to the first row directly in front of the podium. Was the stuff on the projection actually happening in real time, or was this a simulation of what they’d like to happen in the future? I wondered.
There was a positive buzz in the air with a pretty diverse cross-section of people mingling at their seats. Some I recognized from the Seneca Senate when we had the debate. Then I saw Ellen. Of course Ellen was here. But why wasn’t she out sorting the Flexer Technology Corporation issue? We caught one another’s gaze, but suddenly a hush came over the crowd and I saw a man in a suit had taken to the podium.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, if you would all take your seats,” the man requested over the loudspeaker.
I was already seated next to Jennifer, who was next to her brother, G.W., who was next to their Uncle Billy. The seat beside me was empty, but Brittany came up with Senator Gilroy, her mother and sister.
“Hi, Brittany!”
“Doro!”
We gave each other a huge hug.
Senator Gilroy gave a little nod and smile.
“So cool to see you here,” I said to Brittany.
“I didn’t know you were back.” Brittany looked over my shoulder. “Hi, Jennifer.”