I stare at him a little longer, seeing not an ounce of regret or shame over what he helped cause happen. Maybe this isn’t all on him. After all, Declan did cave easily. Maybe if he had been brave enough to put up a bigger fight, it might have made Zander realize something deeper was happening between us. Something meaningful. Or the potential to be meaningful. That doesn’t mean Zander shouldn’t be made to realize that my life is none of his business. He had no right to do what he did, and if I can’t make him see that now, then there will be no stopping him from doing something like this again.
“You know my parents never gave a shit about me,” I say bluntly, and his face softens, telling me he is listening, even if he looks a little confused at the sudden subject change. “They think they do, but they really only care about money. If you were to ask them outright, they couldn’t tell you a thing they’ve done wrong with me.
“How are you any different? You don’t see me; you see a problem needing to be fixed. Needing to be protected. Who cares what I think? Who cares what I want? They throw their money around, just like you throw your judgement. And while everyone jumps for my parents’ every whim, you just expect everyone to obey yours.”
A play of emotions crosses Zander’s face—pain, denial, anger, and sadness. But not regret or shame.
“Sasha, that’s not—”
“Just let me finish. It sucks to have to do this, but I think we need to step away from each other. I work for you—you’re my boss. For now, that’s it. Because, true family doesn’t treat each other this way, and it sure as hell doesn’t abandon each other over nothing. You might think you were doing the right thing for me, but you weren’t. And you sure as hell weren’t doing the right thing for Declan.”
“He—”
“He is your brother!” I roar over him. “And he is good enough for me if I deem him so. He’s an amazing man, and he treated me with respect. He made me laugh, he turns me the hell on, and he accepts all of me. What the fuck else do you want? You worried things might have been awkward between us if we broke up? Newsflash, idiot, it was already awkward between us! And it definitely will be awkward now!”
Zander seems shocked over my outburst, his words sounding hoarse when he finally does speak. “Sasha, I’m sorry. I never—”
“I’m leaving,” I snap, uncaring that he looks devastated now. “Don’t expect me to be in to work for the rest of this week. I’ll see you Monday, boss.” I storm out and almost run straight into Declan.
He looks shell-shocked, and for a brief second, I allow myself to notice him and really look at him. I was never able to do this before with how hostile things were between us, and it sinks in that I likely won’t be able to do this again now.
He looks pale, concerned, and his hair is sticking up at all angles. His casual suit is rumpled, his hands tightened into fists at his sides, and he still looks deliciously hot.
Life is seriously unfair.
The moment over, I stalk past him. His footsteps follow me, though.
“Sasha, we need to talk,” he says carefully.
“You already did your talking.” I’m proud of how level my voice sounds. Inside, I’m close to being ready to break apart. I just need to hold on a little longer.
“I … I don’t want this to be over.”
I round on him, and whatever my expression is pulls him up short.
“Apparently, you don’t need to worry about winning me over, just Zander. So, go take him out on a date.”
“That isn’t—”
“Sasha, wait,” Zander calls out, but my glare stops him short.
“I need some space … from everyone. So back off.”
Ava rushes out then, Jensen in her arms, her overloaded bag swinging from her elbow, and an irritated look over her face, too.
“I’ll drive you,” she offers.
I seriously just want to be alone right now, but I do have the issue that I don’t actually have a car with me. We had gotten into the habit of driving here together in Declan’s car.
Rather than slow my getaway down and wait for a taxi, taking Ava’s offer makes a lot more sense.
“Thanks.”
I grab my bag, turn off my computer, and follow her outside.
She doesn’t even say goodbye to Zander, and since I know she couldn’t have taken the few seconds between me storming out of Zander’s office and her rushing out afterward to offer me a ride to finish cleaning up, I also know she left him with a poo-infested office.
Once Jensen is settled into his car seat and we are on the road, I finally break the silence.
“I don’t want you fighting with Zander over this.”
“You want to defend him right now?” She snorts.
I have to admit that is pretty wacked. I just told him to fuck off, and I am still furious at him, but even my anger can’t stop me from caring.
“You’re right; fight away.” I shrug like it doesn’t matter either way, while struggling not to take back those words.
“He totally overstepped. I can’t believe he did that! It’s been so obvious that there is something between you guys—”
“There never was—”
“There was! You could cut the sexual tension between you both with a knife. I get that you fought a lot, and okay, obviously you were both blind to what was going on, but we could all see it. The first time I saw you both together, I knew there was something there. Zander must see that, too.”
“Guys just aren’t as observant about that type of thing,” I argue, not really believing there was anything there, anyway. Then again, didn’t Joey say something along those lines about us when we were out in California?
“It still doesn’t give Zander the right to be such as asshole.”
“No, it doesn’t. But don’t let that come between you guys. This is frustrating, but we’ll all get over it.” I take a few deep breaths and try to believe my own words.
“Maybe you should take your own advice,” she points out, cooing at Jensen in the back when he suddenly lets out a babble of sounds.
“Don’t worry; Zander and I—”
“I mean with Declan. You made some really great points in that argument. He makes you happy, he’s a great guy, and you’re attracted to each other. What Zander threatened Declan with was wrong, but that doesn’t mean it has to be over for you guys. I know you said you weren’t in love at lunch, but I know you’ve never looked so content with someone before. You didn’t even get angry when they forgot to bring out the garlic sticks we ordered. And this is with you being sexually frustrated? Can you imagine how happy you would be after you guys dropped that rule?” Ava says all this with a smile and a wink.
I had completely forgotten that we never received our garlic sticks, which probably speaks even more in Ava’s favor since, when the hell do I forget about food?
I sigh. Okay, honesty time.
“I did really like him—”
“Do. It’s not past tense yet!” Ava quickly cuts in.
“Fine, I do like him. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t just take a step back. I hate drama, and clearly, we need to slow things down until everyone is on the same page.”
“Zander isn’t a consideration when it comes to you two. He’s the one who has to catch up, not you guys slowing down.”
I think on that as we drive the rest of the way to Declan’s without more conversation, mainly because Jensen decides then to crack, and his screams and sobbing don’t really make it easy for talking. He doesn’t quieten down until Ava feeds him, which she does at Declan’s while I collect my things.
I feel a small pang of sadness to be leaving, having grown accustomed to staying with him and having company.
“This is a nice place,” Ava comments as she places Jensen down on the floor by the couch, which he immediately attempts to climb. “Seems you made yourself at home,” she notes after watching me grab my things from Declan’s room, as well as the spare room.
“I was just crashing here whi
le he looked into what was going on. It wasn’t a big deal,” I murmur, hoping she can’t hear how wobbly my voice sounds.
“Yes, how about we talk about that? Not once at lunch was some creepy guy ever mentioned. Who is he? What happened?”
I catch Ava up on what has happened the past two weeks, and she is understandably concerned.
“Are you sure you should be leaving here?” she questions as she pulls Jensen away from eating Declan’s couch for the umpteenth time. Evidently, it’s a very delicious couch.
I give her one look that she reads easily.
“I know you’re upset with Declan, but—”
“He gave up, Ava. It took one lunch break. I know what Zander threatened him with was wrong and part of me understands his fear of losing Zander, especially after what happened with Artie. But, right now, that is a really small part of me. A larger part of me is angry. If I stay here, then I know we’ll fight. If we want things to go back to how they were before, then the fighting will fit right in. But some things can never be unsaid and …” I trail off, not sure what I want to say.
“And you don’t want to risk something unforgivable happening? Which means that this right now isn’t unforgiveable. You and Declan can get past this.” Ava sounds relieved.
I have no idea how she can be so invested over this when she only found out for sure something was going on not even a couple hours ago. Although, if we were making out in front of everyone at the wedding reception, she might have had a big clue about us for the past two weeks. Still, it’s too early for her to be so attached and into this.
“You saw me for one lunch break. How do you even know Declan and me together works? Maybe we’ve been miserable this entire time?”
“Well, for one, you told Zander how happy you’ve been with Declan, so that right there is a lie. And two, Cynthia caught me up yesterday. She called me to talk about Vanessa and ended up mentioning how she kept interrupting you guys getting busy at work.” She winks at me before Jensen throws a toy at her leg and her gaze shifts downward. She picks up the toy and shakes it back in front of his face to get his attention back on it and away from the couch he just noticed again.
I roll my eyes. “She caught us kissing a couple times. Hardly worth mentioning after the sexcapades of you and Zander.”
Ava reddens slightly from that, but forges on like I haven’t just embarrassed her. It’s rather funny that I can still mortify her when she just spent almost an entire hour talking about Zander’s penis. I guess it’s one thing for her to bring it up, and another thing when it is someone else talking about it.
“Either way”—she clears her throat—“she said you were happy. She said she saw you laughing a lot, and after the past few disasters of men you’ve been seeing, a man who makes you laugh already puts him high up on the must-keep list. Add in that he’s smart, has a stable job, is nice, and incredibly hot, it feels like this could be serious. To just throw all that potential away because of something stupid Zander did …” She shakes her head, anger entering her expression again.
“Yes, Zander did something stupid, and maybe I’m judging Declan too harshly on his rash decision, but I still need a break. This whole weird stalker thing has been stressing me out. I need a breather. I already know this will all blow over, and no matter what happens romance-wise with Declan and me, I know we’ll be okay. We’ve all been friends since we were kids; a fight like today won’t change that.” I move into the bathroom to grab my things and dump them into the suitcase resting in the hallway.
Ava sighs, leaning down to caress Jensen’s hair when he decides to eat her pant leg. “I hope you’re right, because I can’t believe how Zander acted today. I know he’s protective of you, but that is taking it to extreme levels. It wasn’t right, and he needs to fix this.”
I look up from my suitcase, staring over at my friend who genuinely looks distraught. “Promise me you won’t let this get between you and Zander. I want to be angry at him, not feeling sorry that this has spread over into his marriage.”
She purses her lips for a moment, her gaze down on her son, before she gives me a short nod. “I’ll say my piece, and then leave the ball in his court.”
“Okay, but no making him sleep on the couch or any of that crap,” I mutter as I sit on the suitcase lid so I can zip it shut.
“Honestly, I think it might be me sleeping on the couch tonight,” she admits, her grim smile turning into a proper one.
“What? Why?”
“Well, he wasn’t exactly happy when I borrowed his car. I don’t know why he lets it upset him. It’s our thing! It’s what brought us together,” she defends, letting me know this is an argument they have had many times over.
“Yeah, but that car is his baby,” I point out, which is apparently the wrong thing to say.
“I gave birth to his damn baby! I should beat that car! Besides, he’s happy to keep other traditions with us alive and present. Having sex in the bathroom is practically a weekly occurrence in our household!”
“Good to know I should avoid using the bathroom at your place at all cost,” I murmur, shaking my head at just how much oversharing has gone on today.
“We have our own, Sasha, so you’re safe.” Ava rolls her eyes, her attention moving back to Jensen when he gets sick of her pant leg and moves back over to Declan’s couch.
“I don’t know. How old is Van now? If he’s learning anything from living with you guys, once he gets a girlfriend, we might have to avoid your house,” I tease.
“No way! Van is a sweet kid; no way is he ready for … adult stuff,” she finishes without being able to say the word sex. She is so in for a rude awakening.
“He will be soon. And judging from how you guys act, he’ll think sex in the bathroom is more normal than in a bed!” I tease.
Ava gasps before sending me daggers with her eyes. “Van doesn’t know what we do in the bathroom! He is a kid, for God’s sake! We don’t openly tell him what we’re doing in private. Besides, our rooms are soundproofed. No way he’s even accidently heard.”
“I don’t know … That kid is smart. I’m sure he can figure it out,” I joke, loving how riled up Ava is getting. It might be crap of me to do it, but I need this lighter topic and the smiles right now.
“Let’s not talk about this!” Ava says suddenly, hugging Jensen tightly to her. She’s probably thinking ahead to when she has to deal with that type of stuff from him.
However, he’s not interested in a hug from his mom and immediately tries to get free. She lets him go, and he makes his way back over to the couch.
“He seems really into that couch,” I point out, my attention taken over as he stumbles all over Declan’s couch.
“He has a thing about them at the moment. He likes the texture to eat, as well as the challenge of climbing them.”
She picks him up when he topples over a cushion and places him back on his feet, which doesn’t satisfy him at all. Now he wants to climb to the very top.
Our recent sex talk loosens up a memory.
“You spend much time at Joey’s with Jensen?”
“Not really. I think Zander has taken him with him to watch a game or two over there.” She pulls him down from his attempt to climb to the top.
“Declan mentioned that Joey doesn’t exactly keep his bedroom antics to the bedroom, or bathroom,” I throw in since that appears to be completely normal.
“What?” she gasps, her face whitening as the implication settles in.
“So, if Jensen is a fan of eating and licking couches, maybe you should keep him away from Joey’s.”
“Ew, that’s gross.” She winces, and then Jensen is forced to live through another hug.
“Yep. Anyway, I’m all packed up,” I say, trying to ignore the punch of jealously I feel seeing Ava newly married with her baby. She has it all, while I’m still at square one.
“Okay, we’ll help you to your car.” She lifts Jensen into her arms and the bag of crap she brought in with he
r to entertain him. Basically, she has no free arm space to help me carry anything, but I still appreciate the company.
She parked close to me so, while she settles Jensen into his car seat, I make three trips up to Declan’s apartment to get my things. It really only takes me two trips, but the last one is because I forgot to leave the key like I said I would.
I don’t know why, since this was never going to be permanent, but it feels final when I place the key down on the kitchen counter.
I might have accused Declan of giving up easily on us, but am I doing the same?
I glance around his place, taking in the couch we watched his awful movies and made out on like teenagers. I look at the dining table we sat at and ate most of our meals. We had deep discussions and light ones there. Never any that were awkward or boring. And I learned a lot about him in the kitchen, discovering that he not only knows how to cook, but he isn’t a slob. He does his dishes in a timely manner, not anal like Zander, but not slack like Joey. His photos and the warm, homely atmosphere he’s created here is like a safety blanket. This place feels lived in. For two weeks, we lived in this place together.
I’m not sure I’m ready to leave it, not completely. Therefore, I pick his key back up and place it safely in my pocket.
I might need a couple days to cool down, but I’m not ready to let this go without a fight.
***
Later that night, I sit on my couch after checking the locks on the windows and doors five times. I feel more settled now that I have my second glass of wine in my hand, my favorite slippers and pajamas on, and Alex O’Loughlin on my screen.
Maybe the day hasn’t been a complete waste.
My cell phone ringing interrupts my viewing pleasure, so I pause and glance at my phone, half-expecting to see Declan calling.
He’s called three times. The first two, I genuinely missed because I was in the shower. The third one I caught, and after listening to him apologize profusely, I asked if he could give me a couple of days to think. He said he could do that, but then proceeded to give me a lecture about my safety and to call him if I even had an inkling that something might be off.
I Knocked Him Out (Love at First Crime Book 2) Page 23