‘Oh, Bryn…’ She choked back a sob.
‘When the police came to our house where I was being looked after by a babysitter my whole world collapsed. If I hadn’t called my mother back at that moment she and my father would still be alive. But I called her back and those few precious seconds it took to tell her I loved her cost her and my father their lives. I taught myself not to feel from that moment. It’s like a switch was turned off inside me and I can no longer find where it is.’
‘You just need to give yourself time…Your great-aunt’s health is bringing it all back up for you. You’re still grieving…you haven’t dealt with the past and it’s coming back to haunt you.’
‘I don’t want to deal with the past!’ He threw the words at her as he released her almost savagely. ‘It won’t change a thing rehashing it all now.’
‘But it won’t go away just because you choose to ignore it. It will plague you all your life. You’ll end up a lonely old man with nothing to show for your life. No fulfilling relationships, no children to love you.’
‘I would hate any child of mine to go through what I did. It’s just not worth the risk. Losing a parent is the most devastating thing that can happen to a child. Losing both of them in one fell swoop is beyond anything I can describe.’
‘It might not happen. Just because you lost your parents in a tragic accident doesn’t mean history will repeat itself.’
‘Mia, you are the sweetest, most adorable person I’ve ever met,’ he said, taking her by the shoulders again. ‘If there was anyone I would be able to love, it is you. But I can’t pretend to feel what is just not there.’
She let the tears fall unheeded, touched by his honesty in a way no one had ever touched her before. ‘I love you enough for both of us…I thought I hated you at first but somehow it all changed, and I can’t turn it off.’
He gave her one of his twisted smiles. ‘We’re an odd couple, aren’t we? You have too much love to give and I don’t have any.’
‘You do but you can’t recognise it,’ she said. ‘You won’t allow yourself to become vulnerable but that’s what life is all about. You hide your feelings behind a façade of biting cynicism, taking pot-shots at whoever comes across your path. Your public reputation is built on that but I know now it isn’t really who you are as a person. Inside is a deeply sensitive, caring man who is just too afraid to love again in case it gets snatched away.’
‘I can’t give you what you want. I know I can’t.’
‘I haven’t even told you what I want, so how can you say that?’
He let out a sigh and rested his chin on the top of her head. ‘What do you want, Mia?’
She hugged him to her in a desperate effort to get close to him. ‘I want you. Only you. For as long as you’ll have me.’
He eased her away from him to look deep into her tear-washed eyes. ‘You’re prepared to risk being hurt by me?’
‘I’m prepared to be vulnerable because that’s what love is all about.’
‘Even if I can never find that switch inside of me?’
She linked her arms around his neck and brought his mouth down to hers. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find it. You’ve just been looking in all the wrong places.’
Her lips were so soft and yielding he had no choice but to respond even though his common sense told him to let her go before he damaged her permanently. He sank into her warmth, his arms tightening around her, fighting for the control he had always taken for granted in the past. Something about Mia touched him where no one else had ever been. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly what it was but he felt as if she lightened the load he had been carrying for so long.
He pushed her back towards the sofa, his hands going to her sarong, releasing it so he could suckle on her small but perfect breasts. Her little gasps of delight released a trickle of sensation deep inside him; she was so responsive to his touch, as if she had been waiting for him all this time.
He carried her to the bedroom, laying her down only long enough to get a condom. She writhed against him, wanting more and he gave it unreservedly. He dispensed with the rest of her clothes and sank into her with a single thrust that he should have checked but somehow couldn’t. She welcomed him with silky moistness, the delicate fragrance of her need filling his nostrils. He drove a little harder, hoping she wasn’t still tender from earlier but unable to pull back the pace. He could feel the pressure building around him, hers mingling with his in an erotic pulse that grew more frantic by the second. He struggled to hold back but she was with him all the way, arching her back to receive each deep surge of his body, her gasping cries like a haunting tune he had been searching for all his life but never found until this moment. She went soaring a few moments ahead of him, the tight clench of her feminine form leaving him no choice but to follow in a rush of feeling that threatened to overwhelm him. He felt the explosion of his life force within her, the emptying of himself beyond anything he had ever experienced before.
It was a long time before he could find the strength to speak and the only thing he could think of to say was, ‘Oh, wow…’
Mia smiled up at him. ‘Oh, wow?’
He kissed the tip of her nose. ‘You are very definitely an “oh, wow” sort of lover.’
Even though you don’t love me, Mia thought sadly.
Bryn brought her close, tucking her head against his chest, his fingers splaying through her hair, wondering if he could ever find the words to tell her what he had done to bring about their relationship. His immediate lust for her had overridden every other consideration; he had not stopped to weigh up the cost if she in the end proved to be someone very special.
And very special she was.
In a way he had never expected.
He had not thought it possible to trust life enough to care for someone unreservedly, but somehow Mia had invaded his emotional firewall, finding a way to his heart that no one had ever done before.
He had told her bluntly and rather clinically he could not offer her a declaration of love but what if what she’d said was true? That he was unable to recognise his true feelings for fear of life hurting him the way it had in the past?
He had definitely felt something from the very first moment he’d met her—her sparkling defiance had got his notice, but so too had her spirit and her big heart, not to mention her passion and zest for life. Every time she looked up at him with her beautiful, elfin face with those big grey eyes he felt that tiny fish-hook tug on him deep inside his chest. Was that love, the sort of love that could last a lifetime?
In spite of her dislike for him she had agreed to marry him for the sake of his great-aunt. She hadn’t done it for the money; she had done it out of the kindness of her heart. She gave of herself so generously, laying herself bare for him even though he had offered her nothing in terms of emotional commitment.
He recalled all the bitter mornings-after he’d endured in the past; women who had wanted much more than he’d been prepared to give, one even stalking him relentlessly, making his life unbearable for a time.
Mia, on the other hand, was a young woman who was prepared to love him unconditionally. She’d agreed to his conditions and with grace and dignity accepted them.
He wished he could be truly honest with her but the thought of her finding out how he had engineered their marriage made him baulk. How on earth could he frame the words in any way that would make them less offensive to her? He had swept her career out of his way with a sleight of hand that was no less than despicable.
He was still thinking about how best to make it up to her when his mobile phone rang. He kept Mia close to him, his hand on the back of her silky head as he reached for it, the voice on the other end informing him of the one thing he had been dreading and yet preparing himself for over the last few months.
‘What’s wrong?’ Mia asked as he put the phone down a few seconds later.
His voice was flat and emotionless as he informed her, ‘My great-aunt slipped into a coma
a short time ago. She’s not expected to come out of it.’
Her face fell, sending yet another dagger to his heart. ‘Oh, no…’
‘We’ll have to fly back in the morning,’ he said, moving away before she could reach for him to offer comfort. It didn’t seem right to be accepting her comfort when she had no idea of how he had acted. He felt tainted with it, hating himself, hating his vulnerability where she was concerned. Hating that life yet again was letting him down and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
‘Bryn…I’m so sorry…Is there anything I can do?’
‘No,’ he said, a shutter seeming to come down over his features as he faced her. ‘I’ll re-book the flights on line. You go to bed. You look tired.’
‘But I’m not tired,’ Mia insisted. ‘I want to be with you to help you through this.’
‘I don’t want company right now.’ He turned to look out of the window. ‘Please leave me to deal with this on my own.’
‘I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this,’ she said softly. ‘I want to support you and—’
‘Didn’t you hear what I said?’ He swung around to glare at her. ‘I said, I want to be alone.’
Mia stood her ground, even though her legs were quaking at the burning glitter in his eyes. ‘You can’t push me away. I want to be with you. I love you. This is what love is about, supporting and helping when things are tough.’
‘Leave me alone, damn you!’ He grabbed her by the arm and led her to the door, almost shoving her through. ‘I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.’
The door slammed in her face and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She heard the sound of a glass smashing against the wall and then nothing but silence. An empty, aching silence that tore at her heart for what he was going through.
Alone.
She went upstairs and, going to his room, quietly packed his bag before going to do her own. She sat on the edge of her bed and stared at her hands where his rings encircled her finger.
It would soon be over.
He didn’t need her any more.
His great-aunt was close to death so the final curtain would soon be coming down on their act. In spite of what he’d said about continuing their relationship for a period of time she knew their temporary marriage was now coming to an end.
Bryn barely spoke to her on the way back to Sydney the next morning. He sat staring out of the window for the entire flight, even ignoring the air steward’s offer of refreshments.
After they collected their baggage they drove in silence to the palliative-care unit. Mia glanced at him several times but his face was set in the same impenetrable mask, no hint of emotion showing.
Agnes was lying like a thin shadow on the bed, her chest rising and falling so slowly it looked as if she was hardly breathing at all.
The doctor spoke to Bryn in an office further down the hall while Mia sat by the bedside, holding the thin, papery hand and wishing with all her heart she could make things right for both of them.
When Bryn came back she gave up her seat for him so he could be near his great-aunt. He gave her the flicker of a grateful smile and sat down, reaching for the limp hand on the bed.
Mia stood behind him, gently massaging his shoulders as he leaned forward in the chair, his voice low and deep as he spoke to his great-aunt. ‘I’m here, Aunt Aggie. Mia and I are here.’
The day passed slowly, the clock on the wall measuring time as if heavy weights were attached to its hands, each minute crawling by, each hour turning over like a month instead of sixty minutes.
There was no change in Agnes’s condition over the next five days. Bryn spent as much time at the hospital as he could, sitting by his great-aunt’s bedside until it was time to broadcast his radio show. While he was on air Mia sat by the bedside, stroking the thin hand of his great-aunt, listening to the radio playing softly in the background, amazed at how normal and unaffected Bryn seemed. The show must go on, she thought as she watched the shallow rise and fall of his dying relative’s chest. No one would ever know what he was dealing with in his private life. His lively banter with the people he interviewed and the upbeat music he played gave no clue to the grief he was privately preparing himself for. He spoke of their honeymoon as if it had been the most wonderful experience of his life and yet she knew it was all an act, for he had no such feelings for her. At least he had been totally honest with her. So many men wouldn’t have been. How many times had previous boyfriends declared their undying affection for her, only to walk away without a backward glance when she refused to sleep with them?
No, at least Bryn had been honest from the word go. He had told her he needed her to act the role of his fiancée and wife for his great-aunt’s benefit as well as his ratings. He hadn’t pretended anything he didn’t feel and, even though it was heartbreakingly disappointing, in a way she was grateful he had been so up-front about it. If only she had more time to let her love for him heal the hurt he’d carried for so long, maybe then he would open up to the possibility of a permanent future together.
‘How is she?’ Bryn asked softly when he came in later that evening.
Mia made room beside the bed for him. ‘The doctor was in a while ago,’ she said, swallowing back the emotion. ‘It’s not looking good, Bryn. He doesn’t think it will be long now.’
He placed his hand against the nape of her neck, his warm palm easing the stiffness that had gathered there from sitting so long. ‘Why don’t you go home and get some sleep? You’ve been here for hours.’
‘I’m fine…I just didn’t want her to be alone…’
‘I’m here now,’ he said. ‘I’ll call Henry to take you home.’
‘No, please, let me stay,’ she said, looking up at him. ‘Please?’
His hand came around from her nape to gently cradle her cheek, his thumb stroking the creamy softness as he looked into her shining with moisture eyes. ‘You really do love me, don’t you?’
She gave him a wobbly smile. ‘Yes…I do.’
There was a long, intense pause as he held her gaze.
‘Mia,’ he said, stopping to clear his throat. ‘There’s something I need to tell you—’
There was a sudden beeping from the monitor attached to Agnes’s chest, signalling her heart was failing.
Two nurses and a doctor came rushing in but there was nothing they could do.
Agnes Gabriella Dwyer died at seven twenty-three that evening with both Bryn and Mia by her bedside. It was a peaceful passing and Mia was glad the old woman had not died alone. She found it impossible not to cry but did so as quietly as she could, knowing it would be hard on Bryn, who was clearly fighting to maintain control. She saw the up and down movement of his throat and the tight clench of his hands when he finally moved away from the bed to discuss arrangements with the staff over his great-aunt’s personal belongings.
It was late by the time they left to go back to his house and Mia could see the lines of exhaustion around his eyes as he opened the car door for her.
‘I can drive if you’re too tired,’ she offered.
He gave her another on-off smile touched with sadness. ‘No, I’m fine. It’s a short drive anyway.’
He waited until they were parked in the garage before he spoke again. He switched off the engine and turned in his seat to face her. ‘Thank you for what you did this week.’
‘I didn’t do anything…’
He captured a strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear, the gesture so tender she felt more tears springing to her eyes.
‘Yes, you did,’ he said, his voice sounding as if it had been dragged across something rough. ‘You supported me through a tough time. I can’t imagine how I would have coped without you.’
‘I’m so sorry about your great-aunt…’ she said, stroking the hand that had come up to cup her cheek.
‘She died happily and peacefully because of you. I couldn’t have achieved that for her without your help.’
‘I’m glad yo
u asked me to help.’
He looked at her for a long time without speaking. Mia could hear the faint ticking of the dashboard clock and the squeak of leather as he shifted marginally in his seat.
The pad of his thumb moved over her bottom lip, his eyes growing darker as they meshed with hers. ‘I want you, Mia.’
‘I want you too,’ she said softly.
He unfolded himself from his seat and came around to her side, helping her out on legs that felt weak and unsteady. He slipped an arm around her shoulders and walked with her into the house, shutting the door behind him and giving her a look burning with such sensual promise she felt as if she was melting on the spot.
‘Come here,’ he commanded.
She stepped into his arms, her mouth connecting with his in a fiery kiss that spoke of deep mutual longings. He broke the kiss to carry her upstairs, looking down at her with smouldering heat as he placed her on the bed. She watched as he removed his clothes, her pulse leaping at the sight of how very aroused he already was. She began to fumble with her own clothing but wasn’t getting very far until he came down over her and helped.
His hands moved over her breasts, his mouth anointing them with hot, wet kisses and suckles that curled her toes and arched her back. He went lower and lower until she felt the flicker of his tongue against her dewy feminine heat, the sensations rippling through her at this most intimate of all caresses. The pleasure he evoked was mind-blowing and totally unstoppable. It hit her like a huge wave crashing against the shore, lifting her, rolling her over and over before tossing her down once more to float in a sea of euphoria.
He moved back up and, leaning across her, rummaged for a condom, putting it on before slipping between her parted thighs. He entered her in a single deep thrust that sent her back against the pillows with a gasp of delight as he filled her completely. He set a hectic, breathless pace and she got carried along with it, relishing the feel of his pulsing need. She felt him briefly tense before his final plunge, and then his deep groan of satisfaction as he emptied himself, the aftershocks of his release triggering little shivers of pleasure all over her skin.
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