by Tara Raine
Tanya now wondered why she ever thought that adding another person to a still developing new marriage was a good idea. However, she quickly dismissed that line of thinking. Tanya had loved Connor, although not the way he wanted her to. She was woman enough to admit that there were mostly good memories between them. Ones she could find no words for. Perhaps that's what made the bad ones and sudden departure so much more the terrible.
As the days passed by, Tanya often times wanted to ask Brent if his stance had changed at all, or, even more unlikely, if his feelings toward her had changed. She was too afraid of the answer. There was no need to mess up a good thing. These days it had almost become Tanya's inner motto. Essentially, it was her usual anxiety that kept Tanya from working up the courage.
That wasn't the only thing on her mind. Now that she’d had time to really reflect, Tanya began to see things differently. One thing she was pretty sure of was that Connor had nefarious intentions from the start. It wasn't just that something about him had put her off at the beginning; rather, she had always known that, deep down, that something was a little off about Connor. It wasn't the bad boy image he projected or even that fact that he never gave her a reason why he was okay with sleeping together in the first place.
The red flag was in his speeches and declarations. Connor talked big and acted little. His actions never flowed. It was as if Connor was too busy figuring out what his next move would be in the conversation to listen. Tanya had a feeling he knew what he wanted and went after it. All of it was like a game to him. That was the only explanation she had for Connor's choices. Why else did he agree to the tri-relationship, push for it even, only to throw it all away. If her love was all he really wanted, he wouldn't have done that right?
Tanya knew that she was painting in too broad of strokes when it came to what Connor wanted. He may not have had some kind of insidious plot the entire time. Maybe it was only towards the end things that it all went sideways in his head. Tanya remembered when she first voiced her concern about what they were trying to do to the brothers, Brent had been understanding, even to the point of acknowledging that it could end them as a couple.
However, he still actively sought for a way for it to all work for everyone. He didn't try to force any concrete answers right then. Connor, on the other hand, had needed to know what she wanted definitively, on the spot, right then and there. Connor had wanted her to break all bonds with Brent, to abandon her dreams for something that he had just sprung on her seemingly spur of the moment. Why he had felt that he couldn't come to her and talk about things, she would probably never know. She couldn't ask him now, and even if she did there was no way that Connor would bear his soul to her now.
As Tanya listened to Brent's heartbeat, she realized that there was a good chance that Connor had never bared his soul to her, ever. He was always playing some kind of mind game, always. She wondered what made him that way, what made him tick. She thought about asking Brent but thought maybe it was a bad idea since there was a really good chance the answer would be their parents or something along those lines. At the same time, she wasn't so sure; maybe it was something else entirely. Maybe if she asked Brent he would have just the answer that would put her at ease, something that would explain everything. Why did she need it explained, though? Would this validation offer her any closure?
“What makes Connor the way he is?” Tanya asked. “Why in the world would he want to throw away what the three of us had?”
Brent kissed Tanya on the forehead. She laid passively as she watched his fingers idly draw swirls along her collarbone.
“I've been thinking about that myself. It's like breaking a toy when your time with it is up on the playground. He likes to share, even share other peoples 'toys', only to decide later on that he doesn't. In reality, he never wanted to share in the first place. More like show ‘n' tell really. Look what I have and what I can do with it. Once that happens, no one but Connor can have a turn. I think it's best, honey, if we stop trying to figure out what Connor was thinking and just accept that he left,” Brent said quietly. Contented, Tanya felt encouraged enough to speak up about her other concern.
“Do you feel differently about me now?” Tanya asked. “I mean differently than you did before, now that the whole thing is said and done... I know we've talked before about this, but I was still wondering if giving everything a little bit of time and distance had changed anything in your mind at all.”
Brent looked at her like he was trying to see what she was thinking. Her ramblings left even her confused sometimes. Tanya felt on edge. She didn't ask questions because only wanted to hear the answers that would make her happy. Lately, it seemed like Brent wasn't shooting for answers that were much help. Or maybe he himself was still searching for the answers. All of the possibilities flew around her head so fast it almost made her dizzy. Brent once again surprised her by comforting with his thoughts.
“Honestly, after a little space and time to adjust,” Brent started. “I haven't changed my mind, I truly believe we are stronger now. I don't blame you or Connor. Although, unlike you, he had experience beforehand. I wish some of what went down would have transpired another way. I think that we both made some mistakes but . . . I don't know.”
“It's all right, Brent,” Tanya said. “Take your time.”
“I think we are fine,” he said. “And I think that we have the fire we lost back. The strange period we went through when we first moved here isn't coming back. I started to work all the time. I'm sure you've noticed that I don't work that much anymore, and I won't every again. I should have realized how inconsiderate it was to starve you of emotional and physical stimulation. Now I think we are much more open when it comes to communication. Although I still find myself occasionally wondering what you are thinking. I usually ask you when I realize I'm wondering. How about you? How do you feel now?”
Tanya let out a long sigh of pent up frustration. How could she ever be so blind were her husband was concerned? Tanya placed her hand over Brent's and stared into his eyes.
“I feel the same as you,” she said.
“I think we are stronger and wiser now. And, hell, I even think that in the future maybe we’ll be able to welcome someone else back. A girl, maybe?” Tanya joked and added, “Who knows, but that would be in the future. Right now, I know that I want to get to know you better, and I want you to get to know me better. I don't need anything or anyone else. There are still things we don't know about each other, old secrets hidden deep down. And the only way to reveal them to each other is with time. That's it. We just need to focus on us and being happy. And focus on how we are happy being together. I think that I really lost sight of that when I slept with Connor initially. It was selfish and I was running away from thing instead of trying to fix them. I focused on the bad things happening, how you were gone all the time and I was so emotionally starved and sexually frustrated, instead of thinking about how happy you make me when we hang out.”
The talk lasted up until dinnertime. It might have lasted longer, but the water she was bringing to a boil had started to froth over and Tanya had to leave the conversation to take care of it. The last thing Tanya wanted was to finish things off with a bad dinner, so from that point on she devoted herself to making the pasta. It was a quick meal, but would leave them with full bellies.
Tanya and Brent were both in high spirits as they ate dinner. Their conversation was fluent and joking. Tanya kept looking furtively over her wine glass at Brent, smiling coyly when she was caught in the act. Brent would then smile back and, after a while, he couldn't help but ask her what the look was for.
“The future,” Tanya said mysteriously before replying. “I just can't wait for it. I wish there was a way to make it get here sooner. I know that I want to savor every single moment we have together right now, but I think the future is going to be so great. I mean, we are both so committed to each other and we both have a fresh heart about the relationship. I just can't wait is all, even though I
have to. So I just look at you and smile; tell myself that all I can do is smile and wait.”
Brent raised his wine glass.
“A toast,” he said. “To the future. To the us we were, are now, and will be!”
Tanya raised her glass high and beamed at him. Much to Tanya's dismay the joyous moment was shattered once again by her worries. She was hit suddenly with the feeling of something being out of place. But what was making her feel this nagging uncertainty? Tanya didn't have the answers. She did know however, that she didn't want to spoil the meal they were having together.
Tanya was almost able to forget this new nagging feeling as more wonderful weeks passed between her and Brent. That was until Tanya realized what was bugging her so much. The signs before then were vague, but missing your period by three weeks was a pretty big fucking sign, Tanya told herself. The nagging feeling was her gut telling her about the changes in her body.
Tanya knew that she could be pregnant. Besides her period being late, she was more tired than ever before. Nothing new in her schedule accounted for the added fatigue. On the way home from work she made a mental note to get an arsenal of pregnancy tests from the local pharmacy. Work was busier than ever that day. In the aftermath of the havoc she forgot to go to the pharmacy.
Brent was busy again at work. Somehow they were still making time for each other though. Tanya wasn't sure what caused her to push the fact that she had missed her period out of her mind. It wasn't the first time that she was late so she didn't think that it was the end of the world or anything. Or perhaps she didn't want it to be.
But when she woke up one morning and started vomiting uncontrollably, Tanya had to go to the drug store. She knew that she really was in trouble and she couldn't go on ignoring the obvious. Tanya highly doubted the sudden bout of puking was anything other than morning sickness. At first, all Tanya wanted to do was freak out and start crying. But then she calmed herself down. It wouldn't do her any good to break down. Even if all she wanted was to curl into a little ball and start sobbing that she thought she might be pregnant. Besides, there was still a chance that she wasn't actually pregnant. People thought they were pregnant all the time, but found out otherwise when they took a pregnancy test.
As soon as Tanya was through cleaning up, she practically flew to the store to buy a test. When she got to the store she parked her car without care in the handicap zone. Even the few spaces distant would be too time consuming. Her fears had driven Tanya to focus on a single goal: finding out if she was really pregnant. It was as though Tanya felt the need to make up for all the loss time her repression had caused her lose.
She didn't want to risk having doubts or taking another trip so Tanya grabbed multiple boxes. As she was checking out Tanya had a hard time concentrating with the increasing pressure of her bladder.
“Is everything all right, ma'am?” the cashier asked as he slowly slid her items over the reader.
“Yes,” she squeaked out. It wasn't like she could just blurt out “Everything is not all right. First of all, I almost ruined my marriage by fucking my husband's brother. Then we had threesome relationship thing. Then to top it off, his brother took off to the UK only after asking me to go, but I said no. Now my marriage is recovering, but I might be fucking pregnant.”
The cashier, a pimple faced seventeen year old, just looked at her, unaware of her inner monologue. Tanya silently wished he'd hurry and wished she hadn't put off peeing. The cashier must have noticed her tell-tell movements, or maybe it was because she was just buying a crap ton of pregnancy tests, because he started scanning her items faster.
“Thanks!” Tanya shouted as he barely got the receipt in the bag before she ran for the exit doors. Here it is. The moment everything changes. No going back from this point.
When she got home she tore open all the test packaging. Tanya read the directions of each one three times. With shaking hands she lined them all up on the sink beside her while she sat on the toilet, desperate to begin the process. Tanya more than ready to go to the bathroom. The cost of her choice to wait, were the sharp pains ricocheting throughout her bladder and kidney region. The large glasses of juice she downed went through her body faster than she had predicted. She was relieved in more ways than one to finally be at this point.
After Tanya doused every test thoroughly with her urine, she sat and watched them all intently, waiting to see any signs of a result. She hoped with all her heart that she wasn't pregnant. Her work wouldn't be very supportive, especially not with how she had pushed for more responsibilities and air time at the station. Tanya paused her thoughts; she was already coming up with a list of cons and she hadn't even seen the results yet. And while a big part of Tanya wanted to begin a family with Brent, another selfish part of her wasn't ready to give up her alone time with Brent yet.
Chapter Eighteen: The Paradise
Tanya paced the small room. Her nerves high as she squeezed her eyes shut and counted to one hundred. Tanya thought she was waiting as patiently as possible given the circumstances, but when she finally finished counting Tanya had to actually build up the courage to open her eyes. It seemed she wasn't quite ready for the answers yet. Tanya liked to have the details and she hadn't quite worked them out yet.
Tanya peered over at the row of tests, moving closer she inspected the results. The one nearest to her had a negative sign. Tanya felt a pressure she had not even known existed, evaporate. Did this mean that she was off the hook? Tanya braced herself and reached for the next one. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest. The very reason Tanya had gotten multiple pregnancy tests was now staring her in the face. This time the result was a clear positive. She looked began to look at the rest of them and her heart plummeted with each passing result. They were all positive for pregnancy except for the first one.
It wasn't necessarily the idea of having a baby that had Tanya down. It was that she’d had two active sex partners recently. Tanya imagined her first time being in the situation much differently and certainly with only one man. Brent or Connor, who was the father of her baby? That was the question that she had tried to avoid thinking about the rest of the afternoon. Tanya failed miserably. The father could be either Brent or Connor, there really was no telling. Stupid birth control…it led me into a false sense of safety. I've never had an issue before.
Tanya eventually admitted to herself that it was her fault for being so lax. She never should have had sex without condoms. Especially since it involved two men. Tanya didn't know if a DNA test would even be possible since the two potential candidates were siblings. Maybe she could do a mail in hair sample. She wasn't sure how the test worked; her knowledge was limited to film.
Tanya scolded herself for her outrageous thoughts too. Even if the baby turned out to be Connor's instead of Brent's, she would still commit to raising it as her own. She wasn't going to keep this a secret from Brent. Tanya made herself promise she wouldn't hide things from him after the tryst with Connor. Tanya just didn't want the drama of having Connor's child. It would be a terrifying mess to explain how that happened to family and to the child. But what if Brent wasn't willing to raise the baby? Tanya tried to remind herself that it was very possible for it to be Brent's.
Tanya sat idly in the bathroom a long time. Daydreaming about being a future being pregnant. At this point she wasn't freaking out; it was just a lot to take in all of a sudden. She guessed that maybe it wasn't all that sudden if she had stopped to noticed the signs. A few weeks ago she'd missed her period but she hadn't considered why. It wasn't anything that hadn't happened before. She paced the bathroom, withdrawing into a deep inner monologue.
Why was it so hard being a woman? No man ever had to deal with anything like this! All they had to do was deposit sperm in the body of a female and then they were on their way. They didn’t have to get fired from their job for getting pregnant on accident, they didn't have to worry about who was the father. Only women had to deal with that. And on top of it all women got paid less than men did
, even when women still had to raise families on top of going to work. Would Brent want to keep the child, or would he urge her to get an abortion?
The questions plaguing her wouldn't just go away. She needed to confront them and from there Tanya would know how to handle things. Tanya’s next step was talking to Brent. Because it was Sunday morning, Tanya was able to approach him first thing instead of having to wait for him to come home from work. She was strong in her resolve, except for the one time her thoughts drifted as she walked out of the room. She began wondering if her light drinking and occasional smoking in the last few weeks had hurt the baby in any way. God, Tanya thought, already she felt like a terrible mom. When she got to the kitchen she found Brent there making them both breakfast.
“Hey, sleepy head,” Brent said. “I thought you said that you were going to make us breakfast this morning!”
Tanya shot him a playful glare. It wasn't as sincere as it could have been because she knew she was about to drop a bomb.
“What? Didn't you say that?” Brent asked.
“Okay, okay, you didn't say it. Come on, give me a break, I'm just joking around. I didn't mean to poke the bear. ”
“I'm not in the mood. Let’s just ignore it for now,” Tanya said. Brent looked like he was going to press the issue, so Tanya continued, “please, can we just eat breakfast in peace? I'll talk to you about what is bothering me afterward.”