by Louise Stone
‘Zoe…’ Stephen’s face was pale and clammy. ‘They found Zoe’s top up at the farm, near the woods.’
I screamed, my hand rushing to my mouth as I thought I might be sick. ‘Oh, my God, she’s dead! Isn’t she, she’s dead?’
‘Okay,’ Stephen said into the receiver and ended the call as I collapsed on the floor, my body wracked with sobs. Stephen sat beside me, drawing me into his arms.
‘We don’t know that,’ he mumbled into my hair as I held on to him like I might slip and fall down a cliff to my death if I ever let go.
‘Carter’s minutes away. He can tell us more.’
We clung on to each other and waited. The only sound was the drip of a bathroom tap and the grandfather clock.
Minutes later, I heard Carter open the door and call out to us.
‘Up here,’ Stephen shouted back, shifting slightly but never letting go of me.
Carter made his way up the stairs, his eyes coming to rest on us. At first, he didn’t say anything. I clung on to that moment: it contained hope because the less we knew, the more I could imagine our daughter was safe. He stepped forward, breaking the silence.
‘Freya, Stephen, our sniffer dogs found Zoe’s top in the woods near the farm.’ He paused, swallowed hard. ‘However, I would ask you, please, not to jump to any conclusions.’
‘What do you mean?’ I struggled to speak, my breathing erratic. I continued to hold on to Stephen but turned my head towards the detective. ‘You found her top.’
‘It could be for a number of reasons,’ Carter tried to soothe, ‘but we need to keep positive and I have brought in more officers to search the entire area.’
‘You mean she could be alive. You mean it means nothing.’ I glanced at Stephen, tears coursing down my cheeks. ‘Is she dead or is she alive?’
His face was twisted with pain. ‘I don’t know, Freya. I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.’
‘It means we don’t know and we need to brace ourselves for any eventualities. We need you both to remain as calm as possible until we find out anything further.’ Carter rubbed his unshaven cheek. ‘I know that’s easy for me to say but you need to be strong.’ He nodded at both of us. ‘Okay, I’ll be in touch first thing.’ He put a hand on my shoulder and the gesture entirely broke any resolve I had left. My tears could not be assuaged and Stephen gripped me even more tightly, his shirt becoming sodden with my despair.
I heard Carter shuffle and looked up to see him making his way quietly down the landing and stairs, his gait awkward. As soon as the door closed behind him, my body convulsed with fresh tears.
***
Neither of us slept much after that. I tossed and turned, trying to rid myself of images of Zoe’s body lying on the cold, dank ground of the nearby woods. When I did finally drift off towards dawn, my dreams were filled with the sound of crows as they pecked away at Zoe’s flesh.
I woke with a start, my hands pushing at the covers. Coming round, I noticed Stephen had gone and I was alone. Tears stung my eyes as I caught sight of the canvas Stephen had had printed only a year or so ago. A photo of Zoe before she went to a party: she looked radiant, her beatific smile filling the room.
I was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of panic; as though someone was holding my throat and wouldn’t let go. I jumped out from under the covers and started pulling on the jeans and shirt I had abandoned on the floor last night. I walked to the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face and, as I caught my reflection, I saw the briefest glimpse of Zoe staring back at me. I gasped and touched the mirror. I blinked and she was gone. Instead, my own tired face looked back at me.
I hadn’t noticed Stephen coming up the stairs and into the bedroom. He stood in the doorway to the bathroom, his frame filling the space.
He furrowed his brow and held out a steaming cup of coffee. ‘You okay?’
‘Listen,’ I said, as I took it, ‘I need to go out for a bit. Get some fresh air and have a think, okay?’
‘Freya, it’s only six in the morning. Where are you going to go?’ When I didn’t answer he continued to block the doorway. ‘Freya, don’t go running off again. You have to face the music sometimes in life.’
I stared at him. ‘What? You think my wanting to go for a walk is not facing the music?’ I puffed out my cheeks. ‘Jesus Christ, I just want some air. I’m trying to keep up with everything that’s happening and getting out helps me. I just want my daughter home, that’s it.’
‘Our daughter,’ he interjected.
I shot him a look. ‘I should’ve known your good mood couldn’t last.’ I squeezed past him, coffee slopping over the edge of the mug, burning my hand. I put the mug on the bedside table and turned to him. ‘Yes, okay, our daughter is missing, our daughter’s clothing has just been found up at the wood, our daughter could be dead. You tell me what fucking music I’m not facing?’
He pursed his lips. ‘Fine, go. Carter won’t be happy, though. He said he’d be round first thing. We need each other now more than ever, and you keep walking out the door and leaving me here.’
I glared at him. ‘Maybe you should have thought about that when you decided you wouldn’t be there for me when I struggled with PND with Zoe.’
With that, I ran down the stairs and grabbed my coat off the hook, stuffed my phone and car keys in a pocket and peeked out the front window. The news vans were once again arriving and I turned to go back through the house and out the other door before there were journalists running riot outside. I managed to slip away just in time.
I turned the corner and headed to the village green. There was a bench I often came to, in the corner, away from prying eyes. Once I had sat down, I took out my phone and rang Robert’s number. He didn’t answer right away and I tried again.
‘Hi,’ he said when he picked up. ‘I’ve already seen it.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Zoe’s top has been found up at the farm. It’s already across the Internet.’ He took a sharp intake of breath. ‘What does that mean?’
‘I thought it meant the worst, but the truth is none of us knows at the moment.’ My voice broke and I held my free hand over my eyes, swiping the tears that now fell freely. ‘I can’t bear this. I can’t bear the waiting.’
‘Oh, Frey. Let me see you. Let me hold you.’ He paused. ‘I really can’t bear the idea that you’re going through this alone.’
I nodded, despite him being unable to see me. ‘Yes, yes, I really need that.’
‘How’s Stephen coping?’
Whenever Robert used Stephen’s or Zoe’s name it jolted me; a sort of shock of one world meeting another.
‘He’s upset, naturally.’ I swallowed hard. ‘Our marriage is so wrecked, we don’t know how to be there for each other any more.’ I was about to tell him that, last night, for a brief second, I had seen the old Stephen, the one I fell in love with, but that, this morning, he had reverted back to his old ways. But I didn’t. I knew Robert wouldn’t like it.
‘Freya, let me see you. I can be there for you.’
‘Just knowing you’re there for me is more than I could ask of you,’ I said softly. ‘Listen, I’d better head back. The detective is arriving any moment now.’
‘Listen, Freya, stay strong. Let me know as soon as you hear anything, okay?’
I said I would and hung up, too tired to say goodbye, but I knew he would understand.
A text immediately came through:
I love you. We’ll get through this together. Remember, Zoe will come back. I know it.
16
I nodded; he was right, she couldn’t be dead. They had found her top but that didn’t necessarily mean she had been…
I stopped, shook myself, as if to rid my head of the haunting images. I could go home but I couldn’t bear to be surrounded by the constant reminders of Zoe. I checked my mobile. It still had plenty of battery life; Stephen or Carter would ring if they heard anything. So instead, I headed in the direction of our
cars. I brought my coat up around my ears and walked with purpose. I moved quickly, my feet beating the pavement, my eyes scanning the road for any sign of the police or journalists. As I approached, I noticed police tape across our cars to alert the public that the police were aware of the vandalism problem.
I unlocked my car and tore off the tape. It was as if my car had been branded as evidence of some sorts and then, I realised, sickeningly, it was evidence: of my affair with Robert, of being a terrible mother. I didn’t know any more whether Zoe had run away or whether she had been taken, but it felt like someone was enjoying the slow poisoning of my life. I looked around me, feeling, once again, as if someone was watching me. I shuddered, clambering into my car as quickly as I could and locking the doors.
I started the engine but, after a moment or two, killed it again. What was I doing? Driving around in my car, in its current state, would only attract more attention and so I got out, locked up and started to walk. I had no idea where I was walking to, but I had to release the nervous energy bubbling away inside me. It was only as I approached the top of the hill, the highest point in the village, that I caught sight of Rook Farm. Police cars swarmed the fields and news vans sat at its edges.
A figure was walking quickly away from the farm and up the hill; it looked like a woman, her head bent in concentration and, as she grew closer, I knew it was Eleanor Wyre, the farmer’s wife. My heart caught; I needed to speak to her but she wouldn’t want to speak to me.
I waited and, after ten minutes or so, she was literally feet from where I stood.
‘Mrs Wyre?’
She looked up, saw me, and frowned. ‘What do you want? Haven’t you caused enough trouble?’
Anger flared inside me. ‘I want to know where my daughter is. Why her top was found on your land.’ I moved closer to her, adrenaline pumping around my body. ‘I want to know what your husband has done with my daughter.’
‘My husband does not have your daughter and has certainly not done anything to her.’ She stood a foot away from me now, and I could see her face was quivering with rage. ‘I’ve been questioned; my husband has been questioned again. You shouldn’t even be speaking to me.’
I strode towards her, our faces inches apart. ‘I’m not sure you’re understanding the situation. There is evidence of Zoe on your land and you’re claiming you know nothing about it? I swear to God, if you or your husband have laid a finger on my daughter, I will kill you.’ Spittle landed on my lips as I held eye contact.
Eleanor Wyre’s plethoric, pinched face whitened. ‘You think you’re clever, don’t you? You think you’re cleverer than the rest of us because you’re working up at the university. I can tell you now, you’re not. What you are is a woman who wouldn’t understand a hard day’s work in the field, who wouldn’t understand that we survive day to day, year to year, counting every penny; that you’ve ruined my husband’s reputation with your accusations.’ She peered at me. ‘But you come from your posh house and complain to the police because your daughter’s making stuff up.’
‘Making stuff up!?’
She pushed past me, calling out, ‘Just leave us alone.’
***
When I arrived home, Carter was in the kitchen and there was no sign of Stephen.
‘Freya,’ he said as I entered the room. ‘I need to speak with you.’
I couldn’t breathe. ‘What have you found? Tell me.’
‘No, nothing, sorry.’ He hung his head momentarily. ‘It’s Stephen. He’s been taken to the station.’
I felt myself tense. ‘What? Why?’
‘We’ve been running some other tests on the information we got off his computer.’ He cleared his throat. ‘We found something.’
I grabbed the chair with my hand, steadying myself. ‘Like what?’
‘Abnormal financial activity.’
I felt an odd rush of relief. ‘Yes,’ I said simply.
He eyed me. ‘Are you already aware of this?’ I couldn’t bear the pity in his eyes, so I just nodded and looked away.
‘It’s complicated, Detective. Marriage is hard, and God knows I’m no expert at how to make it work.’
He blinked slowly. ‘Okay. Let’s leave it there, shall we?’
I wished I hadn’t asked. Keeping secrets was hard, but telling the truth was harder.
17
On Tuesday afternoon, Stephen returned home and stormed immediately up the stairs, barely giving me a backwards glance. I went through to the living room and looked out at the garden. I didn’t know what to think any more. But before I could go and confront him, my mobile buzzed in my hand and I saw that Angela Sullivan had sent me a text.
Could we talk?
I needed answers, and with Stephen in this kind of mood, I thought I was more likely to get them from Angela. I texted her back:
Meet me on the green in 20.
Angela replied quickly. Okay.
I decided once again to use the back entrance. Luckily, it seemed most of the news crews were up at the farm this morning.
I turned the corner and slowed, my breaths shallow and fast, and walked directly over to the green, head down. Angela was already there. I didn’t know Keira’s mother very well but I could see, even from a distance, she looked worn and aged.
‘Freya,’ she said as I approached. ‘Thanks for meeting me.’
‘Of course.’ I sat, keeping a polite distance.
‘I’m sorry for going off like that the other day. It’s just that this has all hit Keira hard and as you will know, as a mother, your first instinct is to go on the defensive.’
I nodded stiffly. ‘Yes, I understand. I’m discovering a little too quickly that you think you know your child, but maybe you don’t really know them at all.’
‘Oh…’ Angela looked surprised. ‘I do know Keira, that’s not what I meant. I’ve never doubted how much Keira tells me. In fact, that’s why I’ve been so angry with her, as this is the first time she’s lied to me.’ She hesitated, lowering her voice. ‘All for Zoe.’
‘Are you sure Keira doesn’t know where Zoe is?’ I glanced at her, aware I was entering very dangerous territory. ‘The fact that she lied to you suggests she knows more about Zoe than she’s letting on.’
‘She wouldn’t hold back on something like that! She is clearly trying to protect Zoe, can’t you see that?’ Her chin quivered with rage but also I saw her confidence in her own beliefs quickly ebbing.
I could feel the slow burn of irritation moving through me but I chose to remain silent.
‘Zoe’s not always been easy, has she?’ Angela looked ahead, unblinking.
‘What’s that meant to mean?’
‘She’s been leading Keira astray for years. She would never have lied to me if she hadn’t met Zoe.’
I shuffled nearer the edge of the bench.
‘What do you mean astray?’ My voice was low, hostile.
‘I mean, Zoe likes older men, and she’s clearly got herself into trouble, but now she’s dragging Keira into it. And I won’t stand for it.’
I stood now, kicking the earth with the toe of my trainer. ‘I’m not being funny, Angela, but I’m not going to sit here and take this abuse from you. I’m not sure why you wanted to talk to me…’ I dug my hands deep into my pockets, my fingers desperately kneading the pocket lining. ‘But I’ve got to go. I can’t take any more of this. I thought you had something important you wanted to tell me.’
A small muscle in her cheek started to twitch. ‘Freya, I found something…’ She didn’t finish but I saw her visibly shudder.
‘What did you find?’ I stared hard at her, waiting.
‘I found something in Keira’s room and I’m worried.’ Her previous stoniness had started to dissipate and she looked at me, almost imploringly. ‘It looks like a diary entry or something.’
I sat down again, my heart quickening.
‘I’ve read it.’
I held out my hand, tried to control my trembling fingers.
&nbs
p; She turned her face towards me. ‘I think it shows exactly the sort of influence your daughter has had over mine.’
I opened the already ripped envelope and took out the note. The writing was recognisable immediately as that of the previous notes. It read:
I feel disgusting. I know now that I can’t tell Mum about the abortion. How could she do this to me? Keira’s been great. Thank God I’ve got a friend like her. Someone who will actually listen to what I say. I feel like I should tell Dad about what Mum’s done but I can’t bear to break his heart like that. I can’t trust anyone any more, except Keira. I should never have had sex with that guy. I don’t want a baby at my age. But how can you tell your mum your secret when she has an even worse one of her own? I’ve decided to go and find him, see what he’s like.
I rose, my legs shaking. ‘Thank you.’ I was barely holding it together now.
She eyed me. ‘I’m not sure what any of that means but I don’t want the girls hanging out any more. I’m sorry, but I have to protect my daughter.’
‘Goodbye, Angela.’ I swivelled on my heel.
Nothing could have described my jumbled-up thoughts at this point. Robert had lied to me. He knew Zoe. He… I didn’t dare take that thought further until I had spoken to Keira. When I confronted Robert, I wanted to have all my facts straight, to know what I was accusing him of. I couldn’t go home. I didn’t know what it meant that Zoe’s top had been found at the farm, but now I was fuelled by a certainty that my daughter was responsible for her own disappearance, and that my lover was somehow involved.
I headed to the bus stop. I knew where I needed to go.
18
It was late Tuesday afternoon as I entered the walled garden via the blue door, holding my breath. A part of me wondered, clung on to a sliver of hope, that I might push open the door and find Zoe and Keira sitting, laughing happily, on the other side.
The garden wasn’t warm like before. The clouds in the sky were thick and the sun had no hope of breaking through. I entered quietly, as though trespassing in a private space, and looked towards the bench. There was no sign of anyone. I decided to sit for a while, gather my thoughts, and try to tame my racing heart. The note Angela had given me I held firmly in my pocket, as if to contain the knowledge for as long as I could. I sat and looked around the garden. The plants and trees had predominantly lost their leaves and a carpet of auburn, gold and red covered the ground.