by Amy DeMeritt
She gives me a small smile, and while holding my face, she asks, “Who do you belong to, Kayla?”
My heart feels like it falls out of my chest and I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. My jaw tenses and tears immediately spring to my eyes and streak down my cheeks. I lift Madison and she quickly gets off of my lap. They try to put a hand on my arms or legs, but I stand up and rip my hoodie off the back of my desk chair. I look at them for a moment and feel panic completely take over. I quickly open the door and walk out. My parents and Sara are in the kitchen when I come out and Sara tries to grab my arm, but I brush her off and quickly run out the back door.
“Kayla!” She calls after me, but I take off running towards the woods. “Kayla, stop!”
The pain in my rib is blinding, and I feel like I might black out before I even reach the woods, but I push on. I can barely breathe from the emotion choking my lungs with heat and panic. I don’t have any shoes on and the hard, cold ground and occasional rock or stick I step on makes me release small yelps of pain, but I don’t stop.
I run deep into the woods, twisting and turning around fallen trees and large rocks. My lungs suddenly feel like they seize up on me and I crumble to the ground on my knees and grasp my chest, trying to breathe. I’m wheezing and gasping for air. I start to feel dizzy and fall over completely onto my broken rib, making me scream loudly in pain. I roll over onto my back, clenching my ribs, crying and screaming. The pain and emotion is so high that I’m propelled forward, up onto my knees, and I wretch, dry heaving because I don’t have anything in my stomach. This only makes my rib hurt worse.
A fast, loud rustling comes barreling towards me, making me panic and fall over onto my back. Sara quickly kneels down next to me and lifts my head and shoulders off the ground, cradling me against herself. I grab onto her and cry hard into her chest. I cry against Sara for several minutes, but my ears prick up at the sound of several people moving through the woods. They’re not very close, but panic fills me. I immediately fall silent and sit up. I can’t see them yet. I stand up and try to run again, but Sara grabs my arm.
“Kayla, stop. You can’t run away from shit. What the hell happened?”
I rip my arm free and sprint a couple paces, but she grabs me again, this time firmly grabbing both arms. I sob and shudder as emotion starts to consume me again.
“Let go.”
“No. You’re going to hurt yourself. You’re already banged up.” The sounds of people approaching gets louder and I hear Madison call out for me. “Talk to me, Kayla. Before they get here.”
I shake my head and yank my arms free, making my rib pinch and I scream out in pain as I stumble forward cradling my rib. I take several weak steps forward and grab a tree. I wrap an arm around it and lean my head against it, trying to get a grip on my pain and breathing. I hear a branch snap too close for comfort and look over my shoulder. My girls, Mom, and Talia are within sight. Sara is looking at their approaching progress so I take off running again.
“Kayla!”
All of them scream out after me and start running after me, but I zig zag in and out of trees in my panic to get away from them. I stumble a few times, get smacked in the face and arms by tree branches, and I can tell I have many cuts on my feet. A hand grabs my shoulder, but I duck and dodge them.
“Damn it, Kayla, stop!”
I’m heaving so badly that I start to stumble because I’m not getting enough air to maintain this pace. My vision blurs and everything in front of me shifts. I land hard on my knees and fall over grabbing my ribs in pain. I hear and see many feet around me, but I’m barely aware of them. I’m rolled over onto my back and I can just barely make out that my mom is hovering above me, but I can’t focus on her. Her mouth is moving, but I don’t hear her. My eyes start to close, but my mom gently pats my cheek.
Two hands are on my chest and stomach, and a moment later a mouth is pressed to mine, blowing air into my mouth. I’m greedy to suck it down into my lungs and my chest heaves upwards. Five times I have air pumped into me, before the face starts to come into view. It’s Shannon. She looks in my eyes with tears and worry. My lungs feel like they’re starting to breathe normally again and everything slowly starts to become clearer. Everyone is kneeling down around me. My girls are crying and look terrified. My sisters and my mom look very worried and uncertain.
“Kayla, follow my finger,” Shannon instructs, as she slowly waves her finger from side to side. I close my eyes instead. She grabs my chin and I slowly open my eyes. Her eyes are pleading with me. “Kayla, please.”
Without even thinking, I lift my head and wrap my hand around her head, pulling her into a kiss, making her releases a small surprised sound, but she returns my kiss. She pulls back after a few moments and looks in my eyes. She’s so beautiful and loving. How could they ever ask me to choose? I gently caress her cheek and she smiles and takes my hand in hers.
“Thanks for the air.” She smiles and kisses my lips. “Thanks for the kiss.” I smile and pucker my lips, making her smile wider and she bends down to kiss my lips for a moment. “Did you land on your rib?”
“Yeah, a couple times.” She frowns and looks down at my side. She unzips my hoodie and lifts my tee shirt. Her hand is cold, but it feels good against my sore ribs. She gently runs her hand over my ribs for a moment before correcting my tops. “I don’t think you did any further damage. At least, it doesn’t feel like anything is dislocated. Can you stand up?”
“I don’t want to.” She frowns and takes my hand in hers. “Why not, sweetie?”
I start to turn my head to look around me, but she places a hand on my cheek to keep me facing her. She brushes her thumb along my cheekbone and bends down to kiss my lips for a moment. I look up at the trees and suddenly remember something my mom told me years ago that applies right now.
“Lay with me and stare up at the Standing People.”
“Uh, did you hit your head, sweetie?” My mom laughs a little. “In Cherokee tradition, trees are called the Standing People. She wants you to look up at the trees with her.”
Shannon smiles and lays down next to me with her side pressed against mine and takes my hand in hers. I motion to Sam and Madison to lay down on my other side.
“Watch them, how they sway and bend in the wind, how they lock arms and reach not just for the sky, but for each other. Listen to how they speak in low creaking whispers to each other. See how they spread out at the tops to create a shelter to protect what’s smaller beneath their arms. Below the earth’s surface, their roots dig deep and tangle with each other, making them nearly unmovable, to remain standing against even the strongest storm. A lone tree in a field, is not as strong as a tree in a forest, and a forest is made stronger by its variety. A forest of little variety cannot provide for an abundant wildlife and is more susceptible to being destroyed by disease. If you ask me what tree I would have removed from this forest, I could not answer, because they are all beautiful and necessary for the health of the forest as a whole. Uproot a tree from this forest, and you have disrupted the roots of many trees, and may possibly destroy many in the process. You cannot plant a forest, allow its roots and branches to entwine, and then just start plucking trees out like you pluck tiny weeds from a garden. There is not one unimportant tree in this forest.”
Sam sits up and looks at me with tears in her eyes. She gently places a hand against my cheek and bends down to kiss my lips.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to pluck anyone from our family. I just get scared sometimes that I’m not as important to you as Madison is and I don’t want to lose you again. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to choose between us. That wasn’t right. I know you love all of us and would do anything for us.”
“Ask me the question again.” Sam shakes her head. “No, you don’t have to answer.”
“Ask me.” Madison and Shannon are both sitting up and looking between us nervously. “Who do you belong to?”
“To my babies.”
Sam smiles and bends down to kiss me. Its slow and soft and makes heat swell in my chest. I feel her smile against my mouth, as if she knows that her kiss is making me fall into fire for her. As she pulls back, she gently nips my bottom lip with a smile.
I look over at Madison and she’s smiling in a very happy and relieved way, which makes a lot of my panic subside. I reach my hand out to her and she moves closer and bends down to kiss me for a moment. When she lifts her head, she looks in my eyes with a small sweet smile.
“I love you.”
“I love you, Maddi. I love all of you.” Shannon rubs her finger along the side of my neck, making me look over at her. “Kayla, you would stand in front of a firing squad for us, but you keep running and hiding from your emotions. Did you really need to run out here and nearly kill yourself to be able to answer that question? Why is it so hard for you to talk about what you’re feeling sometimes?”
“The Standing People do not wail about how cold they are or scream when someone doesn’t notice them or breaks a branch off of their bodies.”
“My sweet girl, we are not Standing People.” My mom comes over and kneels down next to me. “There is much we can learn from nature, but there is too much that it can’t teach us, that we must learn through the interactions between human hearts and souls. You must learn to allow your hearts to speak freely, not just in the good moments, but also in the bad.”
“Kayla, the way you were able to handle my parents and figured out what to say was amazing. When you’re defending us, and protecting us, you’re always able to say things so easily. You telling us how you feel is also a way to protect us, by helping us to feel secure in what we have. I knew how you’d answer that question, but Sam needed your reassurance. I don’t think any of us expects you to pick one of us above the other.”
“You didn’t expect me to pick you above them?” Madison shakes her head. “No, baby. When we decided that we wanted to try to make the family work with Sam and Shannon, I realized I couldn’t have the hierarchy attitude we had before. I guess I didn’t do a good job of making sure our girls know I don’t feel that way anymore. That was my fault, not yours. I know what family means to you and I love that about you. I didn’t have the same beautiful family experience growing up, but I love that you help us have that together. I had to deal with being controlled and restricted by my parents for eighteen years. I don’t want that in our family.”
I look at Sam and the relief on her face makes me smile. Her smile widens and she places a hand on my stomach.
“Are we ok now?” I place my hand over hers. “No more hypotheticals?”
“No, you were right. We shouldn’t do that to ourselves. Are you done staring at the Standing People?”
I laugh a little and start to sit up. I groan from the pain in my rib, and they quickly reach out to offer me support and help me up. I wince as I put weight on my feet and my mom holds up a hand.
“Wait.” She moves down to look at the bottom of my feet. “Oh, Kayla. This is worse than when you were thirteen and you did this.” My girls look at me confused and then back to my mom. “She did this before?” My mom smiles and rubs the tops of my feet. “Yes, for a similar reason.” She looks up at Talia, who blushes and looks down. “Talia asked Kayla, if she had to pick between saving Talia or Sara from drowning, which would she rescue. Talia got mad that Kayla wouldn’t answer and Kayla ran out of the house into the woods. It took us over an hour to find her.”
Sara comes over, grabs my hand, and pulls me up.
“Let’s go. Time for a pony ride.”
I laugh a little and allow her to pick me up on her back. It takes a while to walk out of the woods. I had actually gone a good distance. When we get back to the house, Sara takes me to my parent’s room and drops me on their bed and sits down next to me. My girls stand awkwardly in front of us, while we wait for my mom to come in. Sara leans forward, looking at my girls. All of them look between Sara and I nervously.
“Don’t do that to my sister again. Never challenge her level of love, trust, and loyalty. You’ll never meet another person that expresses and protects those as much as Kayla.”
Before they can say anything, my mom comes in with a plastic basin she uses for foot baths, a pitcher of water, and her medical kit. My mom has me place my feet above the basin and she carefully washes my feet. I wince and groan a few times as she works around the cuts. She prods at a spot that makes me jerk my leg back. She grabs some tweezers out of her bag, sterilizes them, and then grips my leg firmly.
“This is going to hurt, honey. You have a rock stuck in your foot.” I groan and lean back. “Ok, do it.” It takes some tugging and prodding, making me fall backwards gritting my teeth, and slightly screaming through the pain. “You need a couple stitches; this is deep. Sara, go grab a bottle of your grandfather’s whiskey.”
“I don’t need that. Just do it.” My mom shakes her head. “You have too many nerves in your feet. This will hurt more than the ones you had in your arm last summer.”
Shannon comes over and sits down next to me, taking my hand. I sit up and lean my head on her shoulder. Sara returns with a dark amber bottle with a flip-top and a small tumbler glass. She pours out a sizable amount of the dark liquid and holds it out to me with a grin.
“Bottoms up, baby sister.”
I take the glass and release a long low groan. I’ve only had liquor for these situations when I’ve needed stitches, and I really hate it. I look up at Sam and Madison and they both look upset. I take a deep breath and quickly gulp back the hot fiery liquid. I choke on the heat a little and instantly feel tingling heat rise up my chest and face. It burns all the way down my throat and sits hot in my belly.
“Damn firewater.”
Sara takes the glass and refills it. I shake my head and hide my face in Shannon’s chest.
“No. I don’t want any more. Its nasty.” Sara laughs and samples the taste. “Actually, it’s good shit. Let’s go.”
I groan and quickly drink it back and lay back down on Shannon’s chest. Shannon wraps her arms around me and kisses my head. It only takes a few minutes for me to start to feel numb and fuzzy headed. I lift my head, but it falls back down on Shannon’s chest, making Sara laugh.
“She’s loaded. Go for it, Mom.”
My mom puts on a pair of sterile gloves, pulls out a packet of a stitches and preps the area with some stuff to really clean the area. When she starts to approach my foot with the hooked needle, I turn my head into Shannon’s chest and inhale deeply as I feel the needle pierce my skin. Shannon tightens her embrace around me and I stay buried in her warm soft breasts till my mom finishes.
After she finishes with the stitches, I start to feel very giddy. I nuzzle deeper into Shannon’s breasts and breathe in deeply. Her amazing scent makes me release a small moan, before looking up at her with a cheesy grin. She smiles and giggles a little.
“Baby, you smell good. I wish the whole world smelled good like you. Damn, you are beautiful.” I press a hand to her cheek and she smiles wider. “Thank you. How are you feeling?”
“Fuzzy.” I stroke her cheek and neck and she laughs a little. “You don’t feel fuzzy. You are really soft and smooth. So soft.” I try to roll over onto her, but hands grab my legs and hold me down. “Kayla, don’t move.” I look around and smile. “Oh, hey. Right, dirty feet. My mom is like Jesus, washing my feet. She’s very holy like that.” They laugh and Sara nudges my arm, getting me off balance and making me laugh. “Damn lightweight. I can’t believe you are fucking drunk after that little bit of alcohol.”
“I’m not drunk. I’m happy. Look at this beautiful girl sitting next to me. She’s smoking hot. My head feels funny, like I’m in a funhouse.”
I lay my head back down on Shannon’s chest and she runs her fingers through my hair and kisses my head. I smile and lift my head to look at her. I pull her backwards and we lay down with me partially draped over her and looking at her smiling face.
“You love me?” Her smi
le widens and she nods. “Yes, I do.” I kiss her lips, chin, and her cheek. “When did you know that you love me?”
“Don’t you remember when I told you that?”
“I remember when you told me, but when did you know?” Her eyes dart around a little bit before looking at me with a little bit of nervousness in her beautiful green eyes. “Before then.” I smile really big, making her giggle. “Tell me about it.” Shannon bites her lip for a moment and looks around again. I pout and extend a “please” for several moments. “Ok, but only because you are so adorable right now. It was the day before you got out of the hospital. You were sleeping when I got to work, but I had to wake you up to take your medicine. I gently squeezed your arm and as you opened your eyes, you smiled at me. You took my hand, kissed it, and held it to your chest, before telling me that you had a good dream and I was in it. You asked me to sit down next to you so you could tell me about it, but when I sat down, you pulled me closer, saying you wanted to feel me against you.”
“I remember that. I was falling for you then too. I knew that first day in your apartment, when I forgot to fill my prescriptions and slept all day. I woke up in agony and you took care of me like my mom does. You remind me of my mom a lot. I like that.” She smiles really big and kisses my lips. “Don’t tell Sam, but I knew before we looked at clouds that one time she thinks it was.” Shannon’s eyes dart around a moment and I start to turn my head, but she places a hand on my cheek and kisses my lips, making me smile. “When did you really know that you love Sam?”
“The second week we were together. She called me in the morning when I was getting ready for school, just to tell me she was thinking about me. It made me feel really good, but I was in a bad mood because I was fighting with a friend. When I got to school, Sam was waiting at my locker with a giant double chocolate chocolate-chip muffin for me. She said that I sounded like I needed it and asked me to talk about what was going on. She’s always been like that. She knows when somethings bothering me and makes me talk about it, even though she knows I don’t like talking about stuff.”