by Amy DeMeritt
Awenasa: I know, puppy, but they should know. I know why you weren’t telling them, but now that you know I want a real relationship with you, I think it’s time you tell them.
Me: Sam is going to be furious that I didn’t tell her in person when we were home for Thanksgiving together.
I glance over my shoulder at Shannon, and she is looking down at her phone texting, but I haven’t received any messages from her. She’s probably texting with Madison. That only makes my anxiety increase.
Awenasa: She can’t be mad about that – you didn’t know then. Should I have waited till summer to tell you?
Me: No, I’m happy you told me. I’ve been going crazy with all your little hints you’ve been dropping. Your aunts even had my mom wondering what was going on because I guess they’ve dropped some hints to her as well.
Awenasa: When are you going to tell them?
Me: I guess I’ll have to tell them today when we get home. I can tell that Shannon is freaked out and I think she’s texting with Madison. When my mom made me drink the whiskey to get the stitches in my foot, I slipped up a little bit and made it sound like I had another girl out there. Shannon tried to get it out of me what I was talking about. I don’t know how I was able to shut the lid on that because you know how I get with liquor.
Awenasa: Text her right now. Don’t tell her everything that way, but you need to reassure her that they still have you. Don’t let her sit the rest of the flight feeling scared.
I smile and glance back at Shannon. She’s watching me with concern and worry pinching her brow and her eyes look glossy. I give her a small smile and open her text thread.
Me: Hey, baby. Why the sad face?
Shannon: You have something going on that you’re not telling us.
Me: I didn’t really know I did, but we’ll talk when we get home. You don’t need to worry though.
Shannon: I’m not worried – I’m terrified.
Me: Baby, I’m sorry. I love you and I promise it’s not something to be scared about.
Shannon: Can you tell me anything about what the subject matter is?
Me: No, we need to talk as a family.
Shannon: Are we at risk of losing you?
Me: No, not at all.
Shannon: Ok, I’ll try not to think the worst.
Me: Thank you.
I look over my shoulder at her again and she still looks worried, but gives me a small smile.
Me: Ok, I have her relaxed a little bit, but she’s still worried because I can’t tell her anything yet. I think Sam may actually end up hating me when I tell them.
Awenasa: She’ll be mad, especially when you tell her everything, but she won’t hate you. That girl is crazy about you. She may have been able to fall in love with Madison and Shannon, but if she had it her way, she’d have you to herself again. Will you let me know how it goes?
Me: Yeah, of course. Our plane is starting to descend, so I’ll have to go soon. Why did you decide to tell me now?
Awenasa: Because, I could tell how torn you were between all of us. You were holding onto hope in us when you didn’t know if you should or not. I felt guilty about letting you feel so confused and torn like that. I wanted to surprise you in the summer with the news, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself. The excitement of it was getting to me too. I just had to tell you.
Me: I really am so happy that you told me. I feel like I could just jump out of this plane and fly alongside of it. I love you more than I can express in words.
Awenasa: I know, puppy. I feel the same way. You are my world. I can’t wait to come home.
Me: That vast universe in my heart has definitely been missing your physical presence and is fluttering and buzzing with so much happiness knowing that its queen is coming back home.
Awenasa: Oh, I wish I could be in your arms right now.
Me: Me too. Ok, we’re landing. I’ll talk to you soon – after I talk to them. I love you.
Awenasa: I love you too. I hope the talk goes well.
Me: Thanks, beautiful.
Chapter Sixteen
The drive home is quiet and tense. Madison and Shannon wanted me to tell them what was going on as soon as we got off the plane, but I told them we need to go home and try to video chat with Sam so we can all talk at once. That only made them look even more scared.
As we’re pulling up to the apartment, Madison quietly says, “Sam says she can talk and is ready when we are.” I take a deep breath and feel my heartrate increase. “Ok.”
We bring our bags to the bedroom and after we take turns using the bathroom and getting a bottle of water, we sit down at the dining room table with my laptop. My hands are shaking as I sign into my computer and get signed into the app to send Sam the chat request. Just before I click the button, I run my fingers through my hair and take a deep breath. I can see Madison and Shannon out of the corner of my eye and they look tense and Madison is gripping onto one of Shannon’s hands.
I click the button and my leg starts jiggling on the ball of my foot very quickly. Madison reaches out a hand and rests it on my knee, making my leg stop immediately. As soon as Sam shows up on my screen, I feel my heartbeat quicken again. She looks scared. I take a deep breath and try to start, but my mouth feels dry and I can’t get anything out. I take a sip of water and rub my hands over my face, trying to find the courage to tell them.
“Jesus, Kayla, fucking say something already. What the hell is going on?”
I look up at Sam and then look over at Madison and Shannon. I take another deep breath and rub my forehead. I don’t even know where or how to start.
“I uh, ok, well, the thing is, I…”
I pause and shake my head. I just can’t get this out. I groan and stand up. I pace a couple times, trying to get my mind to function. I take another deep breath and sit back down.
“First of all, what I have to tell you, doesn’t change us, not unless you just completely hate me after this and want nothing to do with me anymore.” All of them visibly become even more tense and scared. “I love all of you and want to be with all of you.” Damn, my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. “Sam, do you remember Awenasa?” Sam jumps out of her chair and throws her arms in the air as she turns her back to me. “Fucking Christ, Kayla!” She turns to face me and she looks pissed off. “What about her?”
“She’s my wife.” All of them gasp and Sam looks like she’s just been punched in the stomach. “So, what are we? Your mistress whores?”
“No! Don’t ever say that again. I can’t believe you just fucking said that. Look, let me explain before you start in on me, ok?”
Sam crosses her arms on her chest and glares at me with so much anger that it makes me want to slam my laptop closed. I look at Madison and Shannon and they look hurt and confused with tears brimming in their eyes.
“First, before you go thinking I’ve cheated on any of you, just don’t even think that. I’ve never kissed her or had any kind of physical relationship with her.”
“Then why did you marry her?” I take a deep breath and look at Sam. “Because, I’m in love with her and have been since I was very young.”
“When did you marry her?”
“This past summer during the family gathering.”
“We were dating then! You fucking married someone else while you were dating me? Jesus, Kayla! So, you saying you want to marry us was just total bullshit to keep your sex toys happy?” Anger swells in my chest and I sit forward. “Stop! You know damn well I love all of you. Don’t forget, I have a broken rib and fractured larynx from protecting Madison and stitches in my foot because you had to push me too far. Before you go getting all self-destructive and trying to tear apart what we have, give me a chance to explain.”
“Fine. Talk.” I take a deep breath and take a sip of water. “I met Awenasa when I was five years old and I just knew I loved her from the moment my eyes met hers from across the pow wow. Awenasa lives on the Cherokee reservation in North Carolin
a, where my mom was born and raised. She is the daughter of close friends of my parents, so our families were always together when we would visit the reservation every year, or when the family comes for the annual pow wow in Maryland. We literally spent every minute together during each visit. When we were ten years old, they were at our place for the gathering, and I gave her a promise ring and told her I was going to marry her. We have been in love since we were children, but we have never had a real relationship, not like what I’ve had with each of you. Last summer, we were sitting around laughing and talking in front of the fire pit and her uncle came over and asked when we were finally getting married. Awenasa looked at me with a big smile and said, ‘Yeah, when are we getting married’?” I smile and laugh a little, remembering the happy glimmer in her eye that night. I look back up at Sam and quickly wipe the smile off my face because of the glare she’s giving me. “Her uncle is a Cherokee priest, so we went back to his tipi and he performed the ceremony.”
“Wait, if you don’t have a state issued marriage license, that’s not really legal though, right?” I look at Shannon and shake my head. “It’s legal. The next day, we went to the court and took care of the legal stuff.” The look on Shannon’s and Madison’s face is hard to read. “Did you cheat on me with her?” I look at Sam and shake my head. “I already told you, I’ve never kissed her, not how I kiss all of you, and we’ve never had sex.”
“Why did you marry her then? I understand the whole being in love thing, but if you didn’t have a relationship, why would you marry her?”
“I made a promise I wanted to keep. That was our dream – to be married and have children together. We have been talking about it since we were young kids. I thought if I married her, it would be the final act that she’d need to see I was serious about wanting to be with her.”
“Yet, you were with me. So, what would you have done if you married her and she wanted to be together that night? Would you have slept with her?”
“Technically, I wouldn’t have been cheating on you because I was married to her, not you. But I would have tried to talk to you first. I was in love with you back then and I wouldn’t have wanted to lose you.”
“Is this why the family idea was so easy for you? You were secretly hoping Awenasa would finally give you a real relationship without having to give me up? Did you ever ask her for more in the relationship?”
“No, you know I have a hard time saying what I want. I just tried to express it in other ways.”
“I can’t even fucking believe this. All this fucking time you’ve been married and dropping hints to her you want more while you’re with all of us!”
“Sam, stop.” I look at Madison and she looks a little less stressed, but still cautious. “I’m guessing you’re not telling us this because you asked for a divorce and she’s giving it to you. Are you finally telling us this because she ask you for a real relationship?”
“Yes. Apparently, she has always wanted a real relationship, but didn’t tell me because she had responsibilities on the reservation with the tribe that she needed to take care of first. She’s fulfilled those responsibilities, pretty much anyway. She’ll be ready to move off the reservation in June when our big gathering is at the house for the state pow wow.”
“What do you want, Kayla? What’s your expectation when she’s ready to move?”
“I don’t want to lose any of you. I love you and I meant it when I said I want to marry you and have a big family together. But I also want my wife to come home. I don’t know if she would ever want to be intimate with any of you though. Would that bother you?”
“She knows about us?”
“Yes, she knows everything that’s been going on since Sam dumped me. We talk everyday and I don’t keep anything from her.”
“You talk every fucking day and she knows everything about us, but we didn’t get to know anything about her?”
I look at Sam and anxiety washes over me. I knew she would be the worst about it because she would feel the most betrayed.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to cause insecurities and doubts if she was never going to ask me for a real relationship. I saw how upset you were in the summer when you saw how close we are. I didn’t want to put you through that if it wasn’t necessary.”
“So, now it’s necessary to hurt us and make us feel insecure, and it’s just so necessary that you have another woman in your life? Three just not enough for you, Kayla? Will four be enough? How many fucking women are you going to try to bring home?”
“Sam, stop. Kayla didn’t start building the family – I did. We can’t expect Kayla to be ok with sharing her love with all of us, and not allow her to have something she has dreamt about since she was five years old. Kayla never asks us for anything, but she gives us everything and would give us anything we want. We need to do this for her.”
“I don’t want to share her with anyone else, especially her.” I look at Sam confused. “Why, especially her?” Sam crosses her arms on her chest and doesn’t say anything. “Sam, answer me.”
“Because, in your eyes, she’s perfect. She is everything you could possibly want in a woman. What if you decide you don’t need us anymore?”
“You asked me the same thing about Shannon when I told you how amazing she is. Did I leave you both to be with just Shannon?” I look over at Shannon and she has a big happy smile on her face and her cheeks are slightly blushing. “The situation with Shannon and us was different. Shannon wanted Maddi too, not just you. So, you think Awenasa is perfect?”
“Yeah, I do, but I also think all of you are perfect. I love everything about all of you.”
“So, in your drunken rambling, is she the one you were talking about, the girl you didn’t want to tell us about?” I look at Shannon and nod. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to be dishonest with all of you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Is everything you had with us just to pass the time while you waited for her?” I snap around to look at Sam. “No! See, this is exactly why I didn’t tell you, because I knew you would think that. What I have with all of you is real.”
“What if she had told you back then she wanted more?”
“I’m not doing hypotheticals with you. What could have happened doesn’t matter. What matters is what did happen.”
“Just tell me. If she asked you to wait for her after I broke up with you – would you have?”
“Yes, I would have tried. I didn’t go looking for Maddi, so if events still played out how they did with her, then I don’t know what would have happened. And I’m not going to speculate.”
“Can I ask something kind of off topic?” I look at Shannon and give her a small smile and take her hand. “You never have to ask permission to ask us something, baby.” She smiles affectionately. “What does her name mean? Is it Cherokee?”
“It is. Her name means ‘my home’.”
“Jesus Christ.” We all look at Sam and she’s standing and pacing. Shannon squeezes my hand, so I look back at her. “What does she look like?” I smile, but before I can answer, Sam throws in, “She’s a fucking goddess.” I look at her and laugh a little. She’s staring at us with her arms crossed on her chest and she has the most adorable pout on her face. “You tried to act like you hated her, but all along you were checking her out?”
Sam glares at me and looks away. I laugh a little and pull my phone out. I have a locked folder in my camera gallery that has nothing but pictures of Awenasa or both of us together. I unlock the folder and hand my phone to Shannon. Madison scoots in closer and they smile and laugh a little.
“Wow, she’s gorgeous.” They scroll through the pictures with smiles on their faces, which makes me relax, a lot. “You look good together, and really happy.” Madison looks up at me and gives me a loving smile. “I guess this is who you were talking to those times that you just seemed to be glowing and you said you were talking to a friend?”
“Yeah, sorry I couldn’t be hone
st about that.” She shakes her head and takes my hand. “I understand why you did what you did, Kayla. I’m not upset with you. As long as I’m not losing you, I’m ok with this.”
“You’re not. I love you and I want to be with you. Awenasa is ok with what I have with all of you, so you don’t need to worry about her asking me to give you up or anything.”
“Would you? If she did ask that?” All of us slightly exhale in frustration and I turn to look at Sam. “Sam, do you not remember what happened in the woods when I thought you wanted me to choose between the three of you? Shannon had to pump air back into my lungs because I basically stopped breathing. You nearly killed me that day. If any of you forced me to pick between you, I’d probably die of a broken heart before I could figure out what to do.”
Sam actually smiles for the first time since I told them about Awenasa. I shake my head and laugh a little.
“I don’t know how I should feel about you smiling at the fact that I just revealed to you that you have the power to kill me, baby.” Sam blushes and laughs a little. “Whatever, you wouldn’t have told me that if you didn’t think it was exactly what I needed to hear to feel secure in what we have.” I smile and nod once. “True, I do know your crazy ass very well. And because I know you so well, don’t you dare try to test this just to see what will happen. Just behave and accept my love and stop doubting me.”
“Does your family know you’re married?” I look back at Shannon and shake my head. “No, we didn’t tell them. Awenasa’s family knows because she took my name, but I didn’t tell my family and she asked her family not to say anything yet.”
“She has your damn name too?” My head drops for a moment in frustration, before I look up at Sam, begging her with my eyes to just relax. “Yes, Sam. She is my wife. One of us should have the other’s name and she wanted to take mine.”