Love by the Numbers

by Karin Kallmaker

  Love.

  Her of all people, in love and changed by love.

  Curious, the way despair felt through the denial and distance necessary to keep her norepinephrine and epinephrine at bay. Equally curious how admitting that her brain was high on the Love Drug left her feeling oddly relieved. Was this how she handled euphoria and panic? Push the fear away, and wallow in false contentment?

  Lily listening to music. Lily laughing at a billboard. Lily reveling in a horseback ride in the middle of Russia, and sleeping like a baby on a mattress in front of a fire. Lily was everywhere in her memories. Would she, for the rest of her life, feel the pulse of excitement in her blood and the thick sensation of arousal whenever she smelled the vanilla and cherry blend of Lily’s favorite shampoo?

  Her wandering path had turned back in the direction of her hotel. Music poured out of a little club that reminded her of the one in Edinburgh, though the volume was not as painful. She wasn’t ready to settle in for the night, and a frozen drink like the ones she saw other pedestrians enjoying was appealing. Dr. Hathaway knew that alcohol was not the most useful sleep aid, but Nicole, woman in love, thought it might help. She couldn’t afford to lay awake, fantasizing about the impossible beauty of Lily’s hair on the pillow next to her.

  Her drink ordered—the house’s specialty Hurricane—she surveyed the dance floor. There were several petite blondes in the crowd. If she didn’t look too closely she could pretend they were all Lily. Lily, Lily everywhere, but not a drop to drink, not for her. There, she could imagine the one in the black dress and stilettos, dancing with her back to the bar, was Lily. Or the one in the green-sequined sheath—Lily could easily wear something like that.

  Her gaze went back to the black dress, taking in its details. It had the same sleeves that cupped around the shoulders, was the same length…Her hair was blond, but at the roots much darker—a shade that could have been red.

  Coincidence.

  When a brunette embraced the intriguing blonde from behind, Nicole relaxed. It couldn’t be Lily, then. She turned to take her bright red drink from the bartender, then realized it was in a tall pilsner-style glass.

  “Sorry—I should have said I wanted to carry it out.” It was easier to make herself heard now that the music had changed to something quieter.

  The bartender shrugged his broad shoulders and quickly poured the contents into a standard plastic cup. She sipped from the straw. Fruit punch and several types of liquor—it was too sweet for her taste, but very cold. She relaxed for a few more sips.

  She was about to leave when a male voice to her left said what she thought was, “Fucking queer.”

  Startled, she couldn’t help but look. All in a rush she saw the back of the petite blonde in the black dress, the brunette from the dance floor, a football player with gigantic shoulders and all the makings of a hostile situation. There was a jostle and the blonde’s drink hit the floor. Nicole went to grab it before somebody slipped in the spreading liquid and collided with the blonde.

  “Damn it!”

  Nicole was seeing stars. That accounted for being certain that she’d heard Lily’s voice. She made a second grab at the cup, bonked heads again and gave up.

  “It’s on my shoes—can you hand me a napkin?”

  The brunette said, “Sure thing, sweetcakes.”

  The foul-mouthed jock looked like he wanted to spit but he stepped back when Nicole pointed at him and said in her firmest professorial voice, “Go away!”

  The blonde froze in the act of dabbing sticky liquid off one of her shoes.

  Nicole met the familiar, green gaze.

  Curious the way her auditory nerves blanked out the music and hubbub of voices. She heard instead Lily’s quick intake of breath. A pulse fluttered in Lily’s throat.

  The brunette eyed Nicole and said to Lily, “Is this dyke bothering you?”

  “No,” Lily said automatically. She blinked, glanced down at Nicole’s clothes.

  Nicole realized she was still no more skilled at reading Lily’s expression than she had been on the day they’d met. She had only the usual cues. Lily’s heart rate was up. Her eyes were bright with what might have been tears of tension or shock.

  “I don’t need a rescue, really,” Lily said to the brunette.

  The brunette looked a little put out. She once again eyed Nicole. “You’re into leather daddies?”

  Lily burst out laughing. She teetered on one foot while slipping her shoe back on. She gave the brunette an indulgent look, but shooed her away with a gesture. “This is a friend.”

  The brunette stared for a moment longer, then shrugged and headed back to the dance floor.

  For some reason Lily continued to smile at Nicole. She made a point of looking down at Nicole’s boots and her gaze seemed to take in every detail of the leather jacket.

  Finally, she said, “Dr. Hathaway, is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

  Abruptly released from her own shocked review of all the cues she’d taken as indicative of Lily’s heterosexuality and wondering how on earth she’d been so wrong, Nicole thought the only thing to do was feign nonchalance. “I think…” She hoped her voice sounded more cool than it did to her own ears. “I think we may have equal confessions to make.”

  “It never came up.”

  “True.” Were they equally to blame or had her own desire to avoid the topic been internalized by Lily? “I keep parts of my life separate to maintain balance.”

  “I thought it would be inappropriate to bring up.” Lily seemed eager to make that point. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Not knowing how you might react, you know, it’s an odd world, people don’t always take it well and we were going to spend so much time together it would have been weird maybe, so I didn’t think—why create undue tension—”

  Nicole watched her own hand rise and was as surprised as Lily seemed to be when she pressed her fingertip to Lily’s lips to silence her. “I understand. I had some of those same thoughts myself.” There was no point in explaining that in retrospect she’d been attracted to Lily the moment she’d met her, and hiding that fact had been her biggest motivation.

  Lily’s lips were warm against Nicole’s fingertip. Nicole took a deep breath and made herself pull back even though she felt as if she were standing in quicksand. “You decided to come out dancing tonight?”

  “I didn’t think I could sleep. It’s exercise,” Lily added quickly.

  “You wouldn’t lack for partners I would think.”

  Lily flushed a deep red. “Uh, not tonight, I mean, that’s not what I was doing.”

  “None of my business,” Nicole said hurriedly. Had Lily been out before this? Were they talking about dance partners or sex partners? “You can have a private life.”

  “So can you,” Lily assured her. “The, uh, this look suits you. It’s just different from your day-to-day. Until right now you didn’t ping my gaydar at all.”

  “Nor you mine.”

  They stared at each other. Nicole was profoundly grateful she was wearing the jacket—her rock hard nipples didn’t show. She hadn’t given her feelings away and wasn’t about to start. “Would you like to go back to the hotel?”

  Lily glanced at the puddle on the floor. “I wasn’t destined to have that drink, so maybe I should. But you don’t have to. I mean—do you want to find someone to dance with?” Something about her body language didn’t ring true with her smile, though. “I could be your wingman.”

  “Not necessary. I came in for a cold drink, not to dance. I…I, uh, have to be in a particular mood to dance with strangers.”

  Lily shifted her body toward the door but she was watching the dancing. “We should go then.”

  “Unless you want to dance.” Nicole surprised herself with the offer.

  Lily stammered something about maybe it being time to leave, but her body turned back to the dance floor. She does want to dance more, Nicole thought. I’m cramping her style, perhaps.

  Sh
e gestured “After you” at Lily, who moved to the edge of the parquet before beginning a low-key, simple side-to-side step. Nicole didn’t know the song, and knew it was coincidence that the predominant lyric was repetition of the word madness. The bass beat was low and throbbing. Nicole doubted she would remember it later, because all she could feel was the excruciating almost-brush of Lily’s arms against hers. She resisted all her practice at dancing to seduce. Didn’t inch closer, couldn’t keep eye contact. She was aware of all the people around them, men and women, but couldn’t keep her eyes on Lily for fear of what might show.

  It was Lily who shifted closer with a quick half-step, then leaned in to shout over the music, “By the way, I don’t think you’re a leather daddy.”

  Nicole rolled her eyes. “I just like how the jacket makes me feel.”

  Lily pointed downward. “My shoes. Same thing I think.”

  Except, Nicole might have said, the shoes had been part of what had fooled Nicole. Shame on her for thinking a lesbian wouldn’t wear such sexy, seductive shoes.

  The song ended and she wanted to leave. It hurt to dance, it hurt to be so close. She was only now sorting out how likely it was she’d deceived herself about Lily’s sexuality because it made spending time with her safer. What would keep her hands in her pockets, her eyes in her head—how would she damp down the idiotic, inappropriate impulses that her brain generated now that she knew the truth?

  The brunette who had been lingering earlier suddenly reappeared. She bumped her hip against Lily’s. Lily looked annoyed by the contact and danced away, but the brunette gave Nicole a challenging glance before following Lily.

  It was tediously predictable body language from the brunette. Completely ignoring Lily’s very obvious cues of dismissal, she tried to pull Lily against her by tugging on her arm. Lily’s rigid posture reflected her outrage. Nicole edged between them, and without thinking wrapped Lily close against her side with one arm while giving the brunette a one-fingered salute that would have made Kate cheer.

  The brunette reacted by using both hands to shape a W on her forehead. Lily seemed to melt into Nicole and they rocked together. For a long, peaceful moment, Nicole held her close and acknowledged that nothing in her life had ever felt quite so right.

  The moment shattered when Lily pushed her away and then stomped with all her might on Nicole’s foot.

  “What the hell!” Fortunately the boot saved her from a stiletto-sized hole in her arch, but Nicole was still limping as she hurried after the rapidly departing Lily. She forgot all about her drink on the bar as she chased Lily out to the street.

  Lily didn’t slow down when Nicole called her name, but the stilettos slowed her pace and Nicole was catching up without having to run. The evening was still warm and the streetlights had come on while they’d been in the bar.

  They rounded a corner and were in sight of their hotel.

  “What did I do?”

  Lily stalked onward.

  Finally, Nicole drew alongside her. “I think I deserve an explanation of the physical assault.”

  “You were the one who manhandled me first!”

  “You wanted that woman to keep pestering you?”

  “Of course not—but that was for me to decide. You may have been very helpful earlier today, but I do not need rescuing from you or anyone in a bar. I can handle myself.”

  “I just thought—” There was no point in continuing as Lily pushed her way through the revolving door and into the hotel lobby.

  They walked in silence to the stairs, Lily maintaining a half-step lead. Their boutique hotel was only three stories and their rooms were across the hall from one another on the second floor. Lily took the stairs at a rapid pace, perhaps under the mistaken idea that she could outrun Nicole.

  At the top of the flight Nicole tried again. “I was sure you could have handled it without me, but I thought it would get rid of her more quickly.”

  “Really?” Lily wheeled around. “That’s why you did that? Hold me like we were…You know? Like I was some possession?”

  “I’m sorry it felt that way. I just wanted that woman to go away.”

  Lily gave her a strange look, then stared down at her hands. “So did I. It, well…It’s…I…You can’t just grab me like that.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Sounding puzzled, Lily went on, “I mean, you could have told her to go away without doing that.”

  “Was it that awful for me to touch you?” Stop talking, she told herself. Shut up and go to your room.

  “No, I mean, it’s not that…”

  “Then what are we arguing about?”

  “You…I mean.” Lily clenched her fists, arms rigid at her sides. “Why did you do that? It wasn’t necessary. You don’t do things that aren’t necessary. Your whatever-tonin is never unbalanced. You picked me up nearly off the street this afternoon and didn’t even look like it was a strange thing to have to do.”

  “You were fainting. It was necessary.”

  “Well grabbing my ass in a bar wasn’t.”

  “I did not grab your ass!”

  “I beg to differ. It was my ass, after all.” Lily’s hands were on her hips as she tapped the toe of one stiletto.

  “If my hand ended up on your ass I’d remember, believe me. It’s not something I would be likely to forget!”

  “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

  “Yes. Your ass is terrific!”

  “Okay then,” Lily snapped. “Good night.” She pivoted expertly on her heels and stalked to her door.

  Nicole knew that an escape to her own room was essential as the enormity of what she’d just said sank in. But in all defiance of the desperate messages from her brain, her feet wouldn’t move.

  * * *

  So much for an elegant exit, Lily thought. Her key card didn’t work on the first try, and she wasn’t sure at all why she was so angry, she just was. And she was scared, scared that on the dance floor she’d cuddled with Nicole and inhaled the surprisingly arousing scent of leather and really liked it, that is until she’d realized that Nicole was just rescuing her again. She’d let down her guard and the highly observant Nicole could figure out that she felt…more than she should.

  And Nicole was a lesbian! Dr. Nicole Hathaway, Ph.D., all-around emotional freezer, was a lesbian who danced in bars and could flip someone the bird. And looked neck-snapping hot in a snug T-shirt and jeans. It wasn’t fair.

  It was kind of a lot to take in, Lily fumed. Better to escape and figure out how she was going to go eight more weeks not seething with desire for this infuriating, attractive-all-the-time plus sensuous-in-leather woman who liked her ass.

  She swiped the key card again and this time it worked, thankfully. Half inside the door her brain finally caught up with Nicole’s words. She spun around. “You think my ass is terrific?”

  Nicole started and sidled toward her own door. She mumbled, “It conforms to the standards of what is generally regarded as attractive in western society.”

  The flipped-up collar of the jacket brought out Nicole’s strong shoulders. Libido had soared into the stratosphere with glee—so not fair. She didn’t want to be at the mercy of an equation of brain chemicals. She put her back to her door and pushed it further open. Circumspect was wailing and wringing her hands every second that Lily delayed her escape. “That’s not an answer.”

  “Yes it is.”

  “No—the question isn’t how society feels about my ass.” Lily stopped as an older couple exited their room and walked down the hallway toward the stairs. She gave them a bright smile and waited for them to disappear from view.

  “It’s not about how society feels about my ass,” Lily resumed. “I asked how you feel about my ass.”

  “I’ve already stated my thoughts.”

  “You think it’s terrific?”

  “Do I need to say it again?”

  “No.” Oh, but Lily wanted her to. She wanted to be sure—of what, she didn’t know. But
after weeks of having no clue if Nicole even saw her as anything more than a sometimes helpful nuisance, it was strange and wonderful to think Nicole was aware of her as a woman. She couldn’t admit that. She floundered for an exit line. “But you don’t get to grab it unless I say it’s okay.”

  Nicole stopped fumbling in her jeans pocket for her room key. “Are you saying it’s okay to grab your ass?”

  “No, you can’t grab my ass.” This wasn’t where she’d meant the conversation to go. “I don’t like being grabbed. I mean—wait. Do you…”

  All in a rush Nicole crossed the hallway, was standing in front of her. “What if I don’t grab?”

  Lily tried to form phrases like, “That would be inappropriate Dr. Hathaway” or even, “We’ll talk about it in the morning” but all that came out of her mouth was a shaky, “Well, that’s a different matter.”

  Nicole lifted Lily’s chin with one fingertip. Lily gasped at the naked expression of desire on Nicole’s face. She’d never seen her so unguarded, so exposed. For her? Was that possible? The wonder of it set off a chain reaction flush that prickled her scalp and simultaneously tightened her nipples and threatened to buckle her knees.

  Nicole slowly stooped close enough to kiss the corner of Lily’s mouth.

  She tried not to moan and failed completely. This wasn’t some anonymous tryst. Tomorrow would arrive with a suitcase full of consequences if Nicole realized that it meant more than sex to Lily. But she hadn’t a clue how to pretend otherwise. She tried one last time to save herself from the inevitable regrets. “Cole, what are you doing?”

  “I’m kissing you and not grabbing your ass.”

  Lily couldn’t help a short laugh. That Nicole had a sense of humor continued to surprise her. “Is that a good idea?”

  Nicole drew back far enough to look Lily in the eye. “I’m not capable of higher reasoning at the moment.”

  Keep it light, she told herself. Don’t let it mean anything. “Chemical soup for brains?”