‘I haven’t done a puzzle in years,’ Cole said, standing beside me and picking up the box cover.
‘I’ve never done one,’ I admitted without looking at him.
‘Really?’ He sounded surprised. ‘Want help? Or do you feel like putting together a thousand pieces all by yourself?’
‘You can help if you want.’
Cole settled in on the cushion next to me with his legs crossed. He began separating the edge pieces from the middle pieces. When he leaned forward, his knee brushed my thigh, sending a shiver along my skin. Suddenly I wasn’t sure if this was such a good idea.
‘You okay?’ Cole asked, noticing my stiffened posture.
‘Uh, yeah.’ I choked, coughing to clear my throat.
‘Want something to drink?’ He stood on the cushion and jumped over the back of the couch, so he wouldn’t disturb the coffee table.
‘Sure,’ I replied, taking the opportunity to shift further away from his side. ‘Whatever you have is fine.’
‘Coke?’ he offered. I nodded without looking, concentrating on sorting through the pieces.
With the fog veiling the ocean, we spent the afternoon shrouded in silence except for the music filling the room. We slid pieces around the table, working in unison without an utterance of communication. I was very aware of his every move. Heat floated off him when he reached across the space between us, his long, slender fingers connecting pieces, pausing to press the edge of one against his full lips as his eyes narrowed in contemplation, searching for its placement. The skin along my arm hummed when he’d brush against it, reaching around and over my hands as we shuffled through the pieces.
‘Hungry?’ His voice broke the stillness, making me jump.
‘Uh, yeah, I could eat.’ I raised my arms over my head. My back was stiff from being hunched over for hours.
Cole eased the table away and stood, stretching as well. His shirt crept up to reveal a hint of the defined muscle beneath. I caught myself and turned my head. I had done so well avoiding him, convincing myself I wasn’t interested in him, that I couldn’t be interested in him. But here I was, trapped in this house with him, and I was about ready to pass out from trying to control my involuntary responses. I needed to call Peyton and get the hell out of here.
‘Okay?’ Cole asked, pulling me from my escape plan.
‘Huh?’ I shot my head up, not certain what he’d said.
‘I asked if Mexican was okay?’ He paused to study me. ‘Are you sure you’re all right? Are you hungover or something?’
‘No, I guess I’m just a little dazed from staring at the puzzle all afternoon. Sorry. Mexican’s great.’
I went into the spare-bedroom bathroom to splash cold water over my face and give myself a moment to pull it together. Then I found my phone and sent Peyton a text. Can’t stay here. Come get me.
She responded shortly after. Why? Are you fighting?
No
Come on, Emma. One night. PLEASE!!!! I glared at her response and clenched my teeth in frustration.
One night. That’s IT. Come get me in morning.
Thanks!! appeared on my screen. I sat down on the bed, running my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should go to bed early. Like right after we returned from dinner. Which brought on a new onslaught of dread. What the hell was I going to talk to him about during dinner?
‘Ready?’ Cole called from the living room.
I blew out a deep breath. ‘Yup.’
‘So … you have four sisters, right?’ I asked after we’d placed our orders, hoping this would let him know that I was open to conversation. There was no way I could sit across from him in silence while we ate.
‘Yeah,’ he confirmed. He was quiet a minute, and then realized I was waiting for him to continue. He appeared … relieved. ‘Missy is the oldest. She’s twenty-seven. Then Kara is twenty-five. Liv is twenty, and Zoe is sixteen. Yup, five girls, plus my dad and me – it was very … dramatic.
‘But everyone’s all over the place now. Zoe’s with my mom in Seattle. Liv goes to Florida State. Kara’s in Oakland. Missy’s in DC, and my dad’s in San Diego.’
‘All over the place,’ I confirmed. He nodded. I prepared myself for questions about my family.
‘Who’s your closest friend?’
Not what I was expecting.
‘Sara,’ I answered easily. ‘She’s in Paris right now as part of an exchange programme with Parsons in New York. But she’s like an extension of me, more important than a vital organ.’
‘Wow. That’s close,’ he noted with a rise of his eyebrows. ‘Does she ever make it out to California?’
‘Every break, except now that she’s so far away. But she’ll be here in May for the summer.’
He continued to describe his family, painting their charms and quirks so vividly that I could almost picture his sisters in my head. And I talked about Sara in so much detail that I could almost hear her voice. I missed her.
‘So Liv decided one day that she would be a vegetarian,’ Cole shared on the drive home, ‘except when we went to her favourite restaurants. And since my dad doesn’t cook, we ate out all the time, so every restaurant became her favourite, and essentially she isn’t a vegetarian. But if you ever meet her, she’ll say she’s a vegetarian, and she’ll give me crap for being insensitive if I don’t mention it.’
I laughed, thinking I would like this girl if I ever did meet her. We’d spent two hours at the restaurant, talking. I eyed the door of the house warily, my nerves twisting – because I actually liked talking to Cole. And worse than that, I liked him. And that couldn’t happen.
I wondered why he never asked me about my family. Or about my behaviour at the party the night before. But I felt like I owed him some sort of an explanation, especially since he had escorted my drunk ass home.
‘I’m sorry about last night,’ I blurted out as he set his keys on the kitchen table. ‘I was –’
‘Coping,’ he finished for me. I laughed softly at his choice of verb. ‘You don’t have to explain. I kind of figured it out.’
‘Oh, so you were listening,’ I teased, recalling his self-proclaimed talent.
‘I was,’ he confirmed without embarrassment. ‘And yeah. I got it. No worries.’
‘I should probably fine-tune my coping skills and not resort to shots.’
‘That’d probably be in your best interest.’ He chuckled.
‘Well … thanks again for putting up with me,’ I replied seriously, meeting his translucent blue eyes.
‘You weren’t that bad,’ he responded, not looking away. Lingering a little too long.
‘Um,’ I said suddenly, breaking the connection and forcing a stretch. ‘Dreary days make me tired. I think I’ll go to bed early and read until I fall asleep.’
‘Okay,’ Cole said with a slight shrug.
As I was opening the bedroom door, I heard, ‘Emma?’
I turned towards him hesitantly.
‘I’ve decided that you’re okay.’
My mouth quirked at his teasing tone. ‘So you don’t think I’m a bitch?’
He smiled wider, his eyes lighting up. ‘I didn’t say that.’
‘Nice,’ I jeered.
‘Goodnight, Emma.’
I bit my lip with a small smile. ‘Goodnight, Cole.’
9
Feeling Again
I ROSE LATE THE NEXT MORNING. IT HAD taken me most of the night to fall asleep. All I could think about was Cole sleeping in the room across from me, and, well … that was all I could think about.
I took my time showering and getting ready, hoping Peyton would arrive any minute. I packed my things so I’d be ready to just grab them and go.
Cole was on the couch when I finally opened the bedroom door. He was engrossed in the puzzle, which was only about a third complete.
‘Good morning,’ he said without turning my way. ‘I’m addicted to this stupid puzzle. Are you hungry?’
‘I can get something,’ I told him. ‘
You keep at it. Do you have cereal?’
‘Yeah. But I have eggs and English muffins, if you’d prefer.’
‘I don’t cook.’ I opened the cabinets in search of a breakfast I was adept at preparing.
Cole was quiet. Eerily quiet. I turned towards him and found that he was watching me with a curious look on his face. ‘You don’t cook?’
‘No.’
‘Huh. That’s not what I expected.’ He turned and went back to working on the puzzle. Why did this small fact continue to surprise most people who knew me? Dismissing it, I poured the flakes into a bowl and doused them with milk.
I sat on the arm of the couch, eating and examining the pieces. Every so often, I’d notice a fit and lean over to put it in place.
‘You can sit down, you know,’ Cole encouraged.
‘Uh, I think Peyton will be here soon,’ I stated awkwardly, walking to the kitchen to set the bowl in the dishwasher.
‘No, she won’t,’ Cole countered.
‘What do you mean?’
‘She and Tom went to Catalina for the day.’
Panic began to rise in my stomach. That meant I was staying here … with Cole … again.
‘Come help me,’ he begged. When he noticed the pallor of my stunned face, his eyes tightened. ‘She didn’t tell you?’
I shook my head.
‘If you don’t want to hang out, that’s totally fine,’ he said in a rush, trying to sound unaffected. ‘I mean, I was planning to go surfing in a bit anyway.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I felt horrid for not hiding my reaction. ‘I just had expectations, that’s all.’
‘I’m not sure what that means, but I’m not insulted.’ He smiled and turned his attention back to the puzzle.
I took a breath and tried to relax. Approaching the sliding glass door, I strangled my hands, trying to decide what to do. I looked out at the hazy skies and knew it was too chilly to be comfortable sitting outside, at least not until the clouds burned off and the sun cut through.
I climbed over the arm of the couch and crossed my legs beneath me, leaning as far away from Cole as possible.
‘What’s next on your list?’ he enquired, pressing the edge of a puzzle piece against his lower lip. And for that moment, I couldn’t focus on anything else. He turned his head towards me, and I tore my eyes away from his lips to meet his gaze. His eyebrows rose in expectation.
‘I don’t …’ I faltered. ‘I don’t know. How about you come up with something for me?’ And that wasn’t the best thing to say either.
‘What do you mean? I thought there was a list. You know, like a bucket list for the new year?’
‘Not really,’ I confessed. ‘When you ask me, I just say the first thing that comes to mind. I never wanted to do those things until you made me say them. And then I actually wanted to do them. So I figure you can pick the next thing. It’s your fault I have the list to begin with, and you seem to always witness whatever it is anyway.’
Cole inspected me, uncertain if I was serious. Then he began laughing.
And he kept laughing.
‘Stop,’ I demanded, trying to be upset as I shoved his shoulder. But the more he laughed, the more difficult it was to stay annoyed, and my lips eventually curled up. ‘Okay! Don’t choose. I don’t need to add to my stupid list anyway.’
‘What qualifies?’ he finally asked after he’d gained control again.
‘Huh?’
‘What’s worthy of the list? What’s the criteria?’ he specified.
‘Well …’ I contemplated carefully for a moment. ‘It has to be something that gets my blood pumping, my adrenaline surging.’
‘That’s a given,’ he goaded. I rolled my eyes.
‘It should be something that’s all-consuming and makes me forget everything else. Strips me of every thought and whisks away the pain.’
‘Pain?’
‘I mean, uh …’ I cringed, silently cursing myself for being so honest, ‘anything that’s bothering me. You know, if I’m having a bad day and just need to forget about things. Something that makes everything go away. Make sense?’
‘I get it.’ Cole’s eyes flickered across my face, like he wanted to ask me something, but he held it in. ‘I think I can come up with something. Give me time to think about it?’
‘Sure,’ I shrugged, freaking out on the inside.
We continued to work on the puzzle for another hour. But this time, Cole brought up music, and the conversation flowed from there. I soon discovered we had more in common that I’d initially surmised.
‘Aren’t you supposed to go surfing?’ I asked, noticing the sun had finally burned away the cloud cover.
‘I can go tomorrow,’ he answered casually. ‘I’ll hang out with you today.’
I stared at the puzzle without moving a single muscle. I didn’t want him to hang out with me today, because I very much wanted him to hang out with me today.
‘And why do you look like you’re about to throw up?’
‘I, uh …’ I stuttered. ‘Um …’ I really wanted to jump off the couch and leave. But I didn’t have a car, and I didn’t have anywhere to go. ‘I, um …’
‘It’s okay,’ he assured me with an amused shake of his head. ‘If you prefer to be by yourself, just say it. I felt bad leaving you alone, since Peyton won’t be back until tonight. But I have friends I can visit.’
‘Sorry. I’m being stupid. I guess I haven’t figured out how to act around you yet.’
‘You honestly say the strangest things. No wonder I can’t read you,’ he said with a low chuckle. ‘Just be yourself, Emma. Relax. I’m not going to hurt you.’
But I may hurt you.
Peyton would be back tonight. How much damage could I do in one day? He barely liked me, so I could ignore the pull I was feeling towards him for a day. Just one day.
‘Okay,’ I conceded with a breath. ‘What did you have in mind?’
He jumped off the couch. ‘Let’s go to the zoo.’
‘The zoo?’ I questioned with my brows pulled together.
‘I’m not the skydiving, drag-racing kind of guy, Emma. I told you that. Let’s go to the zoo.’
We returned to the house hours later, full of French fries and ice cream.
‘That wasn’t so bad, right?’ Cole prodded, tossing his keys on the table.
‘No,’ I laughed. ‘I never thought I’d feed a giraffe, so thank you.’ There was a pause, and Cole grinned at me with that ridiculous lopsided grin of his. With those lips that made me want to …
‘I think I’ll go for a run.’ I needed time to detox from being around Cole all day. My skin was still humming from the number of times he’d inadvertently brushed his arm against mine as we strolled along the paved path. And of course it had to be one of the prettiest zoos ever, making the urge to hold his hand that much more intense. My head was spinning, along with my moral compass. I needed to get away from him.
‘I’ll throw something on the grill,’ he announced. ‘We’ll eat when you get back.’
I disappeared down the beach, leaving him on the deck, heating up the grill.
I hadn’t let anyone close to me since I’d moved to California. Even my room-mates didn’t really know me.
My freshman year I’d basically been a recluse – shutting out everyone and disconnected from any emotion. This year, I’d struggled to maintain control, and I’d lost it several times already. This all happened to coincide with the night Cole had entered my life. And now … I was feeling again. Way too much. And I was afraid. So very afraid of what might happen next if I wasn’t able to tuck everything back into the darkness, where it belonged.
We’re just as bad as they are, with our lies and deceit. We destroy people’s lives.
I dug deeper into the sand and forced myself forward, needing to silence the voices that reminded me of every reason I wasn’t worthy of letting anyone get close to me. My own voice among them. I fought for the control that continued to evade me with each pant, b
ut even as I stumbled to a stop, I knew I couldn’t outrun who I really was.
‘You really push yourself,’ Cole noted as I stood below the deck, breathing heavily. I looked up with a start. ‘I’m cooking chicken. Thought we could make sandwiches. Is that okay?’
‘Sure,’ I responded, trying to recover. I trod up the steps and pushed my sandy sneakers off on the deck. Continuing into the spare bedroom to shower, I hoped to rinse away the emotions that were twisting inside me.
We sat on the deck with our attention on the ocean. Not talking. And it occurred to me how much of our time together had been spent that way. Cole didn’t ask me about myself. He just allowed me to tell him whatever I wanted. He was comfortable in this silence. I was not.
Sitting next to him without the distraction of a conversation made me all too aware of everything about him. The quiet contemplation that reflected in his tranquil eyes as he looked out at the sea. His relaxed posture, leaning back into the chair with his feet resting on the lower railing of the deck. The effortless strength his body exuded. There was an energy between us, wrapped in silence, that communicated in a way I had never experienced before.
We returned to the couch after we ate, hovering over the puzzle, which was beginning to resemble the mountain scene on the box cover, with wisps of clouds stretched against blue skies.
‘There is something addictive about this.’ I joined another cluster of pieces together. ‘I don’t get it, but I can’t quit. Maybe it’s the challenge. Needing to see it completed, no matter how tedious.’
‘Maybe it’s because once you put all the pieces together, you end up with something beautiful.’ A light shiver trailed along my back when I found his soothing blue eyes soaking me in.
‘I think I’ve figured out what your next thing should be,’ he said softly, capturing me in his gaze.
‘You have?’ I whispered.
‘Something that will make your heart beat fast,’ he murmured. ‘Something that will make you forget everything else around you. I could be wrong, but I think I know what that is.’
‘Yeah?’ I said softly, my pulse erratic. The air between us had stilled, and he was inches away. I remained focused on the intense hue of his eyes, unable to move until I felt the tickle of his breath on my face. I closed my eyes, and his lips pressed softly, ever so gently, against my mouth. Everything ceased to exist except the tenderness of his kiss and the slow movement of his full lower lip over mine. I wasn’t breathing. I wasn’t thinking. I was filled with a tingling current that sent a rush through my body. When he pulled away, I kept my eyes closed, enraptured.
Out of Breath (The Breathing Series #3) Page 9