Though Nick stood in a circle of men smoking cigarettes on the deck, he had relinquished the center of attention to someone else. He followed the backyard battle with his eyes. He laughed when the boy was hit in the face. Nick’s head and eyes followed Levi as he moved through the yard.
Levi’s sister Liz appeared on the deck with her hands on her hips. She was blond, beautiful, put together, painfully nice, and entirely too high-maintenance for Eris’s liking. The little girls ran inside. Levi sat in the middle of the yard in the snow with his hands in his lap. The little boy stood half-behind his mother, crying into the hem of her shirt.
She waved a hand and said something to scold Levi. She knelt down and examined the boy’s face, and she kissed his forehead. The kid’s face was red and his eyes were swollen from crying, but it didn’t look like he had any cuts or bruises. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and shook his head no, burying his face in his mom’s shoulder. She patted his back. Eris wondered what it would be like to have such a helicopter for a mother. She would never know.
Levi, still sitting on the ground, messed with the snow between his outstretched legs. He was nearly laughing. Eris heard his muffled shout through the window: “He started it.” He staggered as he stood up. His eyes were wild and young and they searched around, looking for kicks. Eris recognized this Levi.
His sister turned and went into the house. She slammed the sliding patio door. Eris quickly turned away from the window, not wanting to make eye contact with Liz as she stormed in, but then she felt silly. She was practically invisible at her station, surrounded by a sea of people moving and talking. Everyone else sharing of themselves.
She turned back to the window to see Levi’s face darken. He threw a snowball where his sister had been. It smacked and rattled against the patio door. He walked over to Nick. He put his hand on her husband’s shoulder and leaned on him. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He took a single drag and waved it around. He stepped back and gesticulated; he threw his barely smoked cigarette on the ground and stamped on it. “Tell your kid to stop being such a pussy,” he yelled at the door. Eris did not know this Levi.
Nick and Levi walked in together. Her husband didn’t look her way as the two old friends tumbled through the patio door and through the room next to her. Levi reached into a cooler and pulled out two beers. He put his canine tooth under each cap and pulled the bottles down in turn, prying the caps off. He handed one to Nick and held out his bottle as if they were the only two people in the room. “Cheers,” he said. They walked to the stairwell by the door that went to the basement, bottles tilted the whole way, draining down their throats. When the bottles came down empty before they even reached the other side of the room, Levi slapped the back of the closest person, a thick old man in a suit. “Hey, thanks for coming,” he said. Nick slapped someone’s back. “Great to see you again.” They reached the stairwell to the basement and Levi nudged Nick and whispered something. They looked around as if partners in a conspiracy.
Eris had been in this house once before, when they were juniors in high school. Levi’s older brother and sister were off at college, and his parents were out at some fundraiser for La Crosse’s aspirant district attorney. The night began with Nick, Levi, and Eris mixing orange juice with a bottle of Grey Goose pulled from the fully stocked basement bar. It ended with Levi puking in the sink while the DA’s wife—looking fun in a little black dress overflowing with all her embonpoint—rubbed his back and informed Levi’s dad that she’d have whatever the boy was drinking.
She knew all about that basement, and those boys were idiots if they thought they were fooling anyone.
Eris turned back to the bookshelves. She set her glass down and flipped through a poetry anthology. “Oh, Ezra,” she thought. “How I’ve missed you.” She had once loved to read. She had loved art, poetry, and music. Then life happened. She put the book back and traced the bottom edge of her glass again. When she could no longer take the combination of boredom and anxiety from standing alone in a room full of people, she looked for an opening in the crowd.
When she was halfway down the switchback staircase, she could see Nick, Levi, and an older man slamming shot glasses down on the bar. By the time she reached the bottom, the older man was holding up a chunky brass challenge coin in front of Nick’s face. “You see that there, Nick?” the man said.
Nick nodded politely while Levi stood behind the man’s shoulder making the shape of a gun with his thumb and forefinger. He placed the forefinger inside his mouth, pointing up through the roof, and he mimed cocking the hammer with his thumb. He then jerked his head back as if he had shot himself, and he dropped his chin on his chest and let his tongue hang out.
Nick put his hand on the man’s shoulder. A gesture to reassure. “Yeah, I see it Robert. I see it.”
The man turned around, and Levi popped his head up and raised his eyebrows. The man slammed the coin down on the bar next to Levi. “One Hundred and Eighty-Second Airborne.” The man enunciated every word. “Da Nang Air Base. Sixty-nine.” He nodded silently as if he were remembering something significant and serious. “I never saw much action, but let me tell you, it was the constant fear that got to you.”
As Eris approached, she made eye contact with Levi for the first time. He cocked his head like a curious dog, as if he disbelieved his own eyes. Eris grabbed Nick’s elbow and pulled him toward the empty media room.
Once they were alone, she turned to face him. She crossed her arms and leaned in, but she didn’t bother to whisper. “So are you wasted too? You smell like a distillery.”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you as hammered as Levi?”
“No. This is my first beer.”
“Whatever.”
“Honey. Gimme a break. I haven’t seen the guy in over three years.”
“I said whatever. Do what you want. But give me my keys. I’m not driving that stupid truck again, and I’m sure as hell not letting you drive my car like this.”
He reached into his pocket and grabbed the keys. She reached for them. He lifted them and held them above his head. Did he expect her to jump for them? And that stupid smile.
“What have we here?” Levi leaned on the doorjamb. “A lovers’ quarrel?” Levi tilted his head so it, too, rested on the doorjamb, and he flashed a big carnie grin. “Hello, Eris. Like a fine wine, you’ve refined with age. You look as beautiful as ever.” He then righted himself and walked across the room, swaying as if the walls and floor were fun house mirrors.
“Hello, Levi.” She looked down at the carpet, embarrassed for them all.
Levi reached out and took one of her hands. He kissed the top of it. “Where’ve you been? Why’re you hiding away in here?”
She pulled her hand back. “It’s nice to see you again.” She was polite. Formal.
“So Eris, do you know any of these people?”
She shook her head no.
“Nick?”
“Sure. People that went to our church growing up. Friends of your parents. I see a lot of them at the bar. They’re all people from town here. The town where you grew up.”
Levi put an arm around Eris. She stiffened.
“So Eris,” he said. “That makes the two of us then. You and I. That is, you and I don’t know anyone. And so.”
“So what?”
“So come join the party.”
She said nothing.
“C’mon. I’ll mix you a rum and coke. The three of us can play cards, and it’ll be like the old days.”
She could see Nick out of the corner of her eye shaking his head no, drawing a line across his throat. She tried to smile politely. “No, thank you. I’m fine.”
In a way, she could sense it already. The way it would be. Now no different than it used to be. And she felt small. Silent. Pushed to the margins. Nothing more than an object between them. Forget that she was real.
Levi took a drink from his own highball glass and let go of her. “Suit yourself.” He t
ook another large gulp and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Suit yourself. But really, you should have a drink.”
“Yeah,” her husband said. “Why don’t you have a drink?”
They all stood there staring at each other.
Nick then looked down at his feet. Levi either didn’t pick up on the silent tension, or he didn’t care. He took another drink and looked from Eris to Nick, from Nick to Eris.
Finally, Eris patted Nick on the chest with an open palm as she walked past him to leave. “I think you’ve drunk enough for all of us.”
Levi spun around and called after her. “Aw, now I know why Nick married you.” He held up his glass in a toast. “It’s not everyone that knows how to use the past perfect of drink like that.”
She turned when she got to the door. She held her peace. “I’ll see you at home, Nick.”
“What?” Levi called. “You’re leaving? You just got here. I just got here.”
She lifted a hand to wave but didn’t turn around. In a way, she envied him. His wild eyes and oblivion.
“I haven’t seen you in years, and you’re leaving? C’mon,” he called after her. “Have a drink and take the stick out.”
She walked away. She didn’t blame him. They wouldn’t enjoy her company anyway. Sometimes she didn’t enjoy her own.
She melted along the line of the wall, up the stairs, and into the crowded living room. Eris looked around for Charlotte Hartwig to tell her goodbye, but she stood at the kitchen island with a gaggle of women.
Charlotte told the other women, “We never expected it and still don’t even know how it all worked out, but he came home early and Jesus kept him safe, just like we prayed.”
“The Lord does work in mysterious ways.”
“Mmm, mmm, mmm.”
Eris thought of waiting until the conversation was over, thought of returning to the window to stand alone again. Instead, she turned back toward the door to leave. The sea of people parted and moved around her as she murmured and touched elbows.
“Petals on a wet, black bough,” she thought.
3.5 I’D BE REMISS IF I DIDN’T ADDRESS THE WHOLE SILVER STAR THING
Levi thought he had escaped Robert Wright, his challenge coins, and his war stories. He had not. When he tried passing him again to use the restroom, the man put a big farmer’s hand on the back of his neck.
“Like I was saying before. It was just the fear, more than the combat.” Robert put a fist on his chest and belched with a closed mouth, only to blow the noxious odor in Levi’s face. “But I don’t really have to tell you boys that, what with all those roadside bombs and booby traps. Not to mention, you’re supposed to be fighting a war, but they tie your hands with all these rules of engagement. And you don’t know who the enemy is, right? I mean, could be anybody. Nope. Don’t have to tell you boys, do I?”
“No. You certainly don’t have to tell us.”
“Real quick. Let me tell you about the night I landed in country, just to put it all in perspective.”
[Why do we feel the need to assail each other with our war stories? That was the last thing I wanted. I looked down into my glass, but he carried on anyway. Certain words jumped out at me—mortars, wire, listening post, jungle rot, dancing girls—but I couldn’t tell you what he said. I was already plenty drunk. I really only snapped out of it when he laughed and slapped his palm on the top of the bar, and by that point all I could do was snort in commiseration and tell him something like, “Robert, you’re the real hero here.”]
He waved Levi off, but Robert grinned from ear to ear, clearly enjoying himself. “Nah.” He unwrapped that tired old cliché that Levi knew so well, “Anyone would have done the same thing.”
His mother appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but your presence is requested upstairs.”
“Pourquoi?” said Levi.
She smiled, stuck her tongue out, and curled it. She rubbed her hands together. “You’ll just have to see, Smarty Pants.”
Levi walked up the stairs behind Nick. “Too bad she didn’t show up ten minutes earlier.”
“Right,” Nick said, laughing.
The guests gathered in the living room and crowded to one side. Liz’s kids sat on the floor with their legs crossed. Nick stood next to Paul at the edge of the crowd. Levi’s dad stood in a cleared space in front of the horseshoe of people. “Come here, Son,” he said.
Levi stood and turned so he faced both his father and the crowd. “What’s going on here?” he whispered to his father.
A few people in the crowd chuckled. Everyone but Levi was in on the joke, and he didn’t like the feeling.
“We couldn’t be happier now that you’re home. We’re just really proud of you Son, and we—that is, your mother and I—got you a little coming home present.” He turned to his wife, who hovered in the doorway that led to the dining room. “Dear?”
She leaned through the door and pulled out a large frame. Beaming from ear to ear, she handed it to her husband. Levi’s dad held it out so people could see it. He slowly turned his body with the frame out so everyone got a good look. Then he held it out so Levi could look at it. “We had your medals framed with the narrative and citation,” his dad said, nearly busting with pride.
Levi sucked in his lip. “Yeah. I see that.”
His dad brought the large frame closer to his body and let it rest on his hip. “It reads as follows—”
“It’s okay, Dad.” Levi put his hand over the words. “That’s not necessary.” He shook his head and laughed, trying to be a good sport. “I can’t thank you all enough for this.” He took a moment to respectfully admire his gift, knowing their intentions were pure. “I don’t deserve this. Thanks.”
His dad handed it back to his mom, and she held it out and started reading, “Sergeant Levi Hartwig displayed uncommon gallantry in action against the enemy on May 15th, 2005—”
“Mom. You don’t have to read it.”
She smiled at him and kept reading. “In the vicinity of Ad Dujayl, Iraq, while acting as a dismounted team leader and vehicle commander.”
“Mom. It happened, like, four years ago. It’s not news anymore.” He looked around, as if for help. “Please, just—”
She waved a hand at him and smiled. “Oh, it’s okay, honey.” She looked back down. “His heroic actions after an improvised explosive device attack—”
He erupted before his brain could catch up with his mouth. “Mom,” he shouted. “I said don’t read the goddamned medal.”
His dad stepped in front of him and put a hand on his chest. The shuffling, murmuring, whispering, laughing, and background noise had all fallen away. Everyone heard him whisper, “Check yourself, Son.”
The damage was done. His mother quietly said, “Oh,” and she pursed her lips and looked down at the medal in her hands.
Levi took a deep breath and unclenched his fists. “Mom. I’m sorry. Really.” Trying and failing to recover, he said, “But thank you. It’s very sweet. I’m sorry.”
She set the frame on the ground against the wall and folded her hands in front of her. She lifted her chin and set her jaw. “No. I’m sorry. I should have—” Her voice cracked. She stopped and cleared her throat. She finished in a whisper. “I should have listened the first time.”
“Mom?” Levi scanned the faces of the silent guests. “Well, shit,” he said. Levi locked eyes on Nick trying to shrink away behind Paul. “Oh yeah, Nick. Hey Nick. Come over here.” He held his arm out and waved him in.
Nick hesitated. Levi’s dad shook his head in exasperated resignation. Nick took a few tentative steps toward the front of the silent room.
“C’mon, Nick, don’t be shy.” Levi put one arm around his friend and slapped his chest with his other hand. “This guy needs to be recognized. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that my friend, my brother from another mother, the real hero here, my hero, Nick Anhalt is still with us.” He looked around. “Right?�
�� A few people in the crowd nodded their heads while looking around to see if they should. Levi looked at his dad. “Right, Dad?”
His dad looked at the ground.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Levi said. “I give you Specialist (Retired) Nicholas Anhalt. Recipient of the Purple Heart Medal and Army Commendation Medal with Valor device.” He clapped and whistled and lifted his palms to encourage the rest of the people. It was all very theatrical, like Levi was a caricature of himself.
When the crowd failed to rebound, his face fell. “Thanks for coming everyone.” He brushed past his dad, past his mom without a word, and through the kitchen. He slammed the door to the garage as he left. He trudged through the lawn getting cold snow down his shoes where it melted into his socks under the arches of his feet. When he reached the sidewalk, he stomped the snow from his shoes and kept walking.
Levi felt terrible for how he had snapped at his mother, but everything would have been easier if they would have let him forget it, if they would have just let him move on. Instead, that medal kept popping back up, and it forced him to dig graves that were better left filled.
3.6 HOW TO DRINK WISCONSINABLY
Nick’s second grade teacher was one of the last to leave. She hugged Charlotte and whispered something in her ear. She then came over to Nick and gave him a hug. “You take care of your friend.”
“Sure.”
“I mean it,” she said. She closed the front door quietly.
Robert Wright swaggered up to Kevin Hartwig just before leaving. He pumped his hand, not letting go of it as he talked. “You know, when I got home from Vietnam, I went through the same thing. Ain’t easy, just switching worlds like that.” He pulled his hand away and snapped his fingers. “Just like that. Hell, I coulda told ya. Well you know as well as I do, having been over there yourself. You don’t win a medal like that without having been through hell, ya know?”
A Hard and Heavy Thing Page 23