I almost missed my stop, I was so caught up in my own head. I apologised profusely to the man I barrelled into as I rushed off the train. He muttered something in return, giving me a dirty look. I grimaced. It hadn’t been intentional.
Leo was already there, watching people go by. I took the opportunity to study him while he didn’t know I was watching. He’d changed out of the suit he’d been wearing earlier, and into some dark green pants and a nice dark blue shirt. I wasn’t normally a shallow person, but his incredible looks struck me again. Was he actually that handsome, or was I just smitten? I’d read an article a few days previously that talked about how when you’ve got all those oxytocin hormones running rampant around your brain, you see the object of your affections as more attractive than someone else would. I wasn’t quite sure it applied here - I remembered thinking he was pretty dang cute the first time I’d met him, back in the hostel in Lisbon.
Leo took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. I wondered idly how bad his eyesight actually was - it wasn’t something we’d talked about. There were a lot of things we hadn’t spoken about, come to think of it…
I shook myself. I wasn’t going to find any of those things out just standing there being a creep and watching him.
“Hey!” I called out and trotted up to him. Watching his face light up at the sight of me made my heart skip a beat.
He greeted me with another big hug and then a quick kiss. I found myself wanting the kiss to last longer, but refrained myself. We were in public after all.
Leo gave me a happy smile and linked his fingers through mine. We walked out of the station, and I was in a nervous, happy daze as we made our way across Westminster Bridge. I glanced back at Westminster. Such an imposing building. So very different to Parliament House in Canberra.
“Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m making the most of living here,” I mused.
“How so?” Leo asked.
“There’s so much here, so much history. All the museums, the Tower, the palaces, the parks, galleries… sometimes I feel like I just get into the habit of going to work, going home, cooking, going to the same old pubs. You know, stuff I could do back home, or anywhere really. I haven’t even gone up on the Eye,” I said, nodding towards the London Eye, towering above us.
Leo nodded. “It’s easy enough to do. Also easy to not do if you put your mind to it.”
I looked at him and then smiled. “You’re right. Next day off I have, I’m going to go to a new-to-me museum. Or something.”
“Good,” Leo laughed. “I know what you mean though. The everyday becomes mundane. I walked past the Gravensteen without really even looking at it for a year or so before you visited. I just take it for granted.”
“Pact - let’s not take anything for granted.”
Leo laughed again. “That’s a very ambitious pact, but I’m in.”
We kept walking alone Southbank, hand in hand, chatting about this and that, making random observations. I wanted to broach the whole Tom subject, but nerves kept getting the better of me, and I was enjoying Leo’s company too much to want to ruin it. It was still light, thanks to the lengthening days and northern latitude. While the ridiculously short days in winter had been depressing, I was enjoying the extra daylight now that the seasons were turning. The daylight hours were much longer than back home in Melbourne, and we weren’t even technically in summer yet.
Before I’d come to London, I’d always gotten a kick out of seeing my familiar stomping grounds on TV or in a movie. It was still sometimes a bit surreal being in London, and walking past such iconic landmarks, or settings from movies. We walked past the Millennium bridge, which I remembered watching get destroyed in one of the Harry Potter films. The Globe Theatre. Even though I knew it was a reconstruction, and not the original, I still wanted to go there. I vaguely wondered why I hadn’t yet and put it on my mental list of things to do.
We cut down a street that led to some very cool (in my opinion) looking ruins. There was a sign that helpfully told us it was, or had been, Winchester Palace.
“I didn’t even know this was here!” I exclaimed. “See what I mean?”
“Well, in your defence, London is a very large city with lots of… um… what do you say? Curiosities?”
“That’ll do,” I sighed, scanning my eyes around the site, trying to imagine what it would have been like in it’s hey day.
“Would you like to get a drink?” Leo asked. I nodded and we went into the next decent looking bar we saw.
Once my wine glass was half empty, I finally found the courage to bring up Tom.
“Leo, I have something I want to talk to you about,” I started. I made myself look up from the depths of my sauvignon blanc and into his eyes. He quirked at eyebrow at me.
“Uh oh, that sounds serious.”
The words felt frozen in my throat and I must have looked like a fish out of water, opening and closing my mouth with nothing coming out.
A look of concern filled Leo’s handsome face. “What is it? Are you all right, Bea?”
He reached out and took my hand. I took a deep breath.
“It’s… I don’t know how to start…”
“Well, what’s it about?” He stroked my hand, making little patterns on my palm with his fingers. I didn’t want him to stop, and I was scared he would once I’d said what I had to.
“It’s about… Tom. Sort of… and me and you. And I don’t know.” There I was with the I don’t know’s again.
His fingers on my palm stilled. “Tom? Your ex-boyfriend?” Leo asked with a puzzled frown.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
When I didn’t say anything else, Leo said, “What about him?”
“Well… I should have told you earlier.” I took a deep breath and dove in. “After I got back from my trip to see you in Belgium, he came over to the shop… we went out and got a drink, and… well, we had a nice time.”
Leo let go of my hand and picked up his drink, taking a big gulp.
“Is this the part where you tell me that you’re getting back together with him and we have to use be friends?”
“What? No. No.” I reached out for his hand again, but he didn’t seem to notice. I grabbed my wine glass instead so that I wouldn’t look like an idiot. “No,” I said again.
A flash of something like relief washed over him.
“So, you saw him? That’s fine.”
“Yeah. But then he kept coming over, and we’ve actually been hanging out quite a bit… at first I kept telling myself it was just as friends, but it wasn’t…”
“Wait… what are you saying exactly?” Leo looked at me apprehensively, and I realised I was doing a crappy job of explaining myself.
“Tom saw you and me together this afternoon.”
“Oh… I see… Actually I don’t see.”
“Well. He was upset,” I started.
“Yeah, that is understandable given the circumstances, I suppose,” Leo said slowly.
“And he gave me an ultimatum. He told me I had to choose. Him or you.”
“Oh…” Leo looked at me intently. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I said miserably and buried my face in my hands.
“Well, that’s not exactly the most reassuring thing to hear you say,” Leo said. I looked up at him.
“I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know… can I be honest with you?” I looked up at Leo, studying his face. I couldn’t tell if he looked apprehensive or angry or doubtful or what.
“Please do,” he said.
“I really do like you, Leo,” I started. “A lot. This was so unexpected, I wasn’t planning on falling for anyone when I met you…”
“But…” He grinned ruefully. “There’s always a but.”
I allowed myself a tiny smile. “You’re right… but I don’t know how this is going to work.” I gestured between us. “I never really thought I’d have to think about the logistics of an international relationship, and this is all so new
. I don’t even know if you want to be in a serious relationship with me!”
Leo reached out and took my hand again.
“I’m really sorry if this conversation is premature, and I would have just been happy continuing how we were, letting it all unfold naturally, but now Tom’s come along and put this ultimatum on me…” I trailed off and looked at him intently.
“How do you feel about Tom?” Leo asked slowly. I was grateful that he didn’t let go of my hand.
“Confused.” I let out a deep breath. “You know that we were together for quite a while… and the break up kind of took me by surprise when it happened. Honestly, before I met you, I would have leapt at the chance to get back together with him.”
“So you still have feelings for him then?”
“Yes,” I said slowly. “But… I don’t know. They’re not the same as they were before. I don’t know that I want to be in a relationship with him again, but cutting it off feels so final and… I don’t know how to explain it properly. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all this stuff to you.”
“No, I think it’s healthy that we can be able to talk about this,” Leo said.
I smiled at him, grateful. I had been more than half afraid that he would get up and leave. We sat there in silence for a little while, sipping our drinks, watching each other.
Leo cleared his throat. “I can’t promise you that we’ll be together forever, Bea.”
“I don’t want you too,” I said, startled.
“I can’t promise that we’ll be together in six months, or a year, or ten… or that it will be easy.” Leo went on, ignoring my interruption. “What I can promise to do is be honest with you, and let you know how I feel.”
He stopped and reached out to run his thumb lightly over my lower lip.
“And how do you feel?”
“I really like you, Beatrix. A lot. I haven’t… I haven’t felt this way about anyone since Emma died.”
“I really like you too,” I said quietly.
“But if you still have these confused feelings about Tom, then maybe you need to figure these out before we take anymore steps.”
I nodded. That was fair enough and probably the right thing to do, for everyone involved.
“Thank you for being so understanding,” I said.
Leo nodded. “I have an early start tomorrow. I’ll walk you back to the station, if you like.”
“Okay, thanks.”
We left the bar, Leo holding the door open for me. It was dark now, and a cooler. I shivered a little in my jacket. Leo noticed and pulled me closer to him. I smiled up at him.
“I’m sorry about dumping all this on you,” I said. “I was worried that I’d scare you off.”
Leo laughed. “It’ll take a little more than some competition to scare me off.”
We walked along, arm in arm.
“If you do choose to go back with Tom… I understand. I want you to know that. And I won’t have any hard feelings for you.”
“Oh. Um, thanks. I think.”
“That’s not to say I won’t be very disappointed!” Leo looked up at the sky and then back at me with a sad smile.
I squeezed his arm.
We reached the tube station all too soon. I reluctantly said goodbye to Leo, wondering if I’d ever see him again. Our parting kiss was sweet and lingering, but over all too quickly. I promised to let Leo know when I’d figured out my confused feelings, and watched his broad shoulders disappear into the crowd, a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I lay in bed that night, tossing and turning, weighing up my options, probing and prodding my feelings. In the early hours of the morning, I was pretty certain that I’d made up my mind.
Chapter Seventeen
Ripping off the band-aid
I waited a few days, to make sure that I wouldn’t change my mind.
I arranged to meet Tom at Hyde Park. We walked around for a little while, admiring the immaculate gardens. I was stalling, and Tom knew it.
“So?” he eventually asked. “What have you decided?”
The cowardly part of me had kind of hoped that he’d read between the lines and the fact I wasn’t jumping into his arms and declaring my undying love for him would be enough, but apparently not. Damn it.
I took a deep breath. I just needed to rip it off, like a band-aid. It would be crappy for a little while, and hurt, but it needed to be done. I stopped walking and turned to face him.
“I’m really sorry, Tom. This isn’t going to be what you wanted to hear. I think we both need to look forward, not back.”
“What exactly are you saying?” he asked intently, taking a step closer to me.
“I’m saying… I just don’t think it’s a good idea that we get back together.”
Tom blinked at me, not saying anything for a moment. A lady with a tiny fluff ball of a dog walked past us. Tom waited until she was gone.
“You’re choosing him then? The Belgian over me? Is that the way of it?”
“No. Yes. It’s more complicated than that.” I felt like crying. The look of hurt on his face cut me.
“How? I think you’re making a big mistake, I have to tell you.”
“Tom…” I sighed. I knew this conversation was never going to be easy. I steeled myself. “You and me,” I waved at the space in between us and took a deep breath. “It would never work, not in the long run. We’re too different. You were right, when you broke up with me back in March. You were one hundred and ten percent right.”
“You didn’t think so then,” he said, almost churlishly.
“I am now though. Tom… it’s not that I don’t care about you, I do. A lot. But… you gave me this ultimatum, and it forced me to consider everything. Really consider it. Consider us, and the future, and everything.”
“What, you think it will be easier with a foreigner? It won’t. It’ll be hard. Believe me.”
“I know it will, but… I’m trying to tell you. I’m not choosing Leo over you. It’s not like that. I have no idea what’s going to happen there, if anything.” I paused. I didn’t think it would really help right then if I admitted that I really wanted something more to develop with Leo so I kept that part quiet. “I just… I think we both need to move on.”
Tom blinked rapidly, and I was startled to realise he was blinking back tears.
“Tom…” I reached out for him, but he brushed my hand away.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I just honestly didn’t expect this conversation to go this way.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I didn’t say anything for awhile. We both just stood there awkwardly.
“I’m sorry, Tom. But I honestly think this is the best decision for both of us…”
“Yeah… so you said. Is there any chance I can change your mind? I honestly think we could be great together again and you’re going to regret this, like I did.” Tom paused and I just stared at him, uncertain what to say. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t regret this.
“Are you certain?” he asked.
“I’m certain,” I said, quietly but firmly.
Tom looked at me for a moment and then shook his head. “Look, if that’s it then… I’ve got to go.”
I bit my lip. “Yeah, okay.”
“See you round, Bea.”
“Bye, Tom.”
I watched him walk away, shoulders slumped. I felt bad, but I also felt a lot lighter. A massive weight had lifted off my shoulders, and I felt positive about the future.
Epilogue
I knocked on the green door. I briefly panicked that he wouldn’t be home. I’d been imagining this moment in my mind for the past week, I hadn’t even considered the fact that he might have other plans and not even be here! I breathed a sigh of relief when the door rattled and opened.
Leo stood there in pyjama pants and a white t-shirt, disheveled with his hair sticking up every which way, and gaped at me in surprise.
“Bea! What are you doing here?” He reached out and th
en let his hands dropped, uncertain. We’d barely spoken since we’d parted in London.
“I thought it was my turn to surprise you,” I said and grinned at him. He tentatively smiled back, and then it spread into a proper grin.
“Well, I am thoroughly surprised! Come in.” He held the door open for me.
We stood in his hallway, close together, staring into each others eyes. I felt like I could sink into their blue depths.
“So,” Leo prompted eventually. “Have you made your decision?”
“Yes,” I breathed. “I choose the future.”
I stood up on my tip toes and kissed him. He gathered me up in his strong arms, kissing me passionately. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around him. Leo carried me to his bedroom, and placed me gently on the bed.
The next few hours went by in a blur of touching, laughing, kissing, and talking.
I rested my head on his chest, playing idly with the hair around his belly-button. He ran his hand up and down my bare back and I quivered in delight, wondering if it was too soon to go again.
“I was starting to think you were leaning the other way,” Leo murmured.
“No… I just wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. I think I have.”
“I hope I don’t disappoint you,” he said seriously.
I shrugged. “I just want to see where things go. I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything. I like to think I chose the future over the past,” I said slowly. “Like you said… we don’t know what will happen between us, and it probably won’t be easy, what with the whole being from different countries thing… but… I really like you quite a lot, and I want to see where it goes, and have some fun along the way.”
“Sounds good to me,” Leo said and kissed the top of my head.
Unexpected: A Backpacker Romance (The Backpacker Romances) Page 18