by Kit Morgan
“I can’t share them with you,” she said solemnly.
“Of course you can – I’m your beau.”
“No, you’re not. The only thing I could share with you is a pretend answer because you’re a pretend beau.”
He raised a hand and wagged a finger at her. “Clever. Fine, get out of sharing anything with me.”
“Why should I share anything? My hopes and dreams are nothing you want to hear.” The thought made her shut her eyes tight.
“What makes you think that?”
Willow’s eyes popped open. “What?”
He readjusted himself in his chair again and crossed one leg over the other. “Share something with me, Willow. You are my friend, aren’t you?”
Willow’s mouth opened and closed a few times. She hadn’t expected him to say anything like that. “Yes, I’d … like to think we’re friends.”
“Your brother Sam used to share things with me. Why not you?”
“As I said before, I didn’t think you’d be interested.”
“Try me.”
Now it was Willow’s turn to reposition herself. “I want to be married. I want to have children and a little house like this one to bring them up in. I … just want someone I can love.”
Jack’s face softened. “Then you’ll just have to be patient, Willow. All those things will come to you in time. Don’t worry, the right man will come along.”
I do see, she thought to herself. I see that he’s sitting right in front of me. Only he doesn’t see me any more than he can see anything else. She closed her eyes again and licked her lips as her heart lurched. Only one thing could make her feel this way. She’d begun to fall in love with him all over again.
They hadn’t done anything special – shared meals with Howard and Mary, worked on his lessons. She’d helped him with simple things around the house, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she was doing for him what any wife would do for a husb … oh dear. Father in Heaven, she silently prayed. Take this away from me. I can’t afford to feel this way about him.
She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Jack was facing her, his body relaxed, waiting. “Well?” he said.
“Well what?”
“Is there anything else you’ve dreamed of? Share it with me.”
“I’ve shared all there is to share with you, Jack. What about you? What are your hopes and dreams?”
He rested his elbows on the arms of the chair and clasped his hands in front of him. “It’s better I don’t have any right now. Sometimes it’s all I can do to get up in the morning.”
“Don’t talk like that. Besides, when you do get up, you’re a big help to everyone.”
“No, it’s not that. I’m beginning to like what I’m doing here – helping Howard with his sermons, learning to read Braille, deal with my blindness. In fact, I’m beginning to be very grateful to you, to Howard and Mary.”
“Then what is it?”
“Emma,” he said, his voice filled with despair.
“Ah.” There wasn’t much she could say to that. She thought the same thing they all did: what if she’s dead? “I know this can’t be easy for you, the waiting. I’m sure we’ll get a letter any day.”
“The man’s a U.S. Senator, Willow. And senators are busy. I wouldn’t doubt your letter got lost somewhere along the line – perhaps even tossed in a wastebasket by an assistant.”
Willow hit the arm of her chair with her fist. “You see, there you go again! Why do you always look at the dark side of everything? Why can’t you give yourself some hope?”
His mouth dropped open. “Because what hope do I have?”
“Your cousin Howard has given you plenty, I’d say. So has his wife, and so have I for that matter. You’re at the point where you hardly need me for your lessons. Helping Howard with his sermons has given you purpose, and because of those sermons Howard says attendance is up in the church. Don’t you see?”
“See what?” he asked, his voice tense. “I don’t see anything, remember?”
There was that urge to strangle him again. He wasn’t going to like what she said next, but too bad. “You have a life, now, Jack – and if things keep going the way they are, a very good one. The only thing you don’t have is …” She snapped her mouth shut. She didn’t want to say it.
“I don’t have what?”
Willow tensed. She never should’ve said anything.
“Willow? What were you going to say?” he demanded.
She might as well get it over with. Besides, it was true. “Someone to love you.” She bolted from her chair and left the room.
Jack sat in stunned silence. Blast that woman! Every time he felt like he had things together, she threw something like that at him. Sometimes he wished she’d go away. But if she did, he didn’t think he could stand it. He’d grown accustomed to having her around.
He sighed heavily, leaned back in his chair and raised his head to the ceiling. “I do have a life, don’t I?” He smiled at the thought. “How about that?”
The question was, what was he going to do with it? He did enjoy helping Howard with his sermons, and he liked the challenge of learning new things. He wasn’t as angry as before, though he still had his moments. He supposed the only thing keeping him from moving forward was Emma. If she was alive, though, she would need him at his best.
That was one of the reasons he’d stopped fighting Willow during his lessons and applied himself more. He’d been able to do in the last couple of weeks what would take others much longer to accomplish, or so Howard said. He should know – he’d worked with blind folks before. The New York Point system he’d insisted Jack learn was brand new and Jack was grateful to Howard for acquiring it for him. Howard might be a simple country preacher, but he had connections, ones that definitely paid off.
Now if only those connections – or Willow’s, or anyone’s – could lead his sister to him. “Oh, Emma … where are you?”
He drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair and thought about Willow’s last words. He didn’t have an aversion to being loved, he just didn’t think anyone would want to. Yes, there was his sister, and Howard and Mary loved him, of course. But they were his family, so that was a different kind of love. As far as romance, though, what woman in her right mind would …
“Oh good grief.” What woman in her right mind, indeed. “Willow?”
No. No! That would never do – he’d destroy her! There was no way he could subject Willow Bennett or any woman to his blindness. He could never protect her. He could never provide for her – okay, that really wasn’t that much of a worry, as he had money tucked away from his inheritance. But he wasn’t a whole man!
He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands. If he couldn’t protect a wife, how was he going to protect Emma? If she was alive, that is. He’d been so intent on finding her that he hadn’t allowed other possibilities to cross his mind. Now they were crossing it, all right, along with a lot of others – it was like a buffalo stampede in his brain …
“Oh for Heaven’s sake, man,” he muttered aloud. “Pull yourself together.”
“Something the matter?”
Jack lifted his face from his hands and leaned toward the voice. “Howard … done with your sermon?”
“What kind of question is that? You’re supposed to be helping me. Of course I’m not done – I came to see if you had anything for me yet.”
Jack’s face returned to his hands. “I’m sorry, not yet,” he mumbled through his fingers.
“Are you feeling all right?”
Jack raised his face again and ran a hand through his hair. “Yes, I’m just … frustrated with this waiting.”
“You’re talking about Emma, aren’t you?”
“What else?”
“It takes time for mail to get across the country, and just as much time to get back here. I’m sure you’ll hear something any day now.”
“Willow said the same thing.”
Jack shook his head. “I’m afraid that was my fault.”
“You didn’t snap at her, did you?”
“No, I haven’t done that for a while. Besides, if there’s one thing Willow is good at, it’s putting up with my crankiness. Must be why I … why I like her.”
He listened as Howard sat. “I think she likes you too. She takes good care of you, Jack. She cares about you. I’m glad to hear that you care about her too.”
“Don’t get any ideas, cousin. I’m not fit for a wife.”
“A month or so ago you didn’t think you were fit for anything,” Howard pointed out. “But thanks to her, look at you now.”
Jack blew out a breath. He hated when Howard did this sort of thing. “There’s nothing between us. There can’t be.”
He heard Howard get up from the chair. “Suit yourself, cousin,” he replied as he left the room.
9
Once again, Jack had been shocked speechless. That didn’t happen often, let alone twice in a few minutes.
So … that was it? Howard wasn’t going to argue the point? That didn’t happen often either. “He always argues the point,” Jack muttered. He turned his head left, then right as he puzzled. What was happening to him? Or was it to the world around him?
Then he thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Willow was leaving? Maybe that’s why Howard didn’t push it. “Oh no,” he whispered, his sightless eyes wide. “She can’t leave. Not after all we’ve been through …”
He stood, turned to his left, reached out and let his hand find the fireplace mantel, using it as a guide to cross the room to the window. He liked to stand there and feel the sun on his face. “No more Willow,” he whispered. “No more lessons …” For the next ten minutes, he stood there talking to himself. He’d occasionally do that when alone, the sound of his voice giving him comfort when he needed it. Surprisingly, this was one of those times.
He’d gotten used to having her around. For Heaven’s sake, he was paying to have her around. Maybe she’d saved up enough money for stage fare and would be leaving sooner than he thought. Maybe that’s what she’d been waiting for. If that was the case, why would she stay? She wanted a husband, a home, children – all the things he was incapable of giving a woman. He sighed. If she truly wanted to leave, he’d have to let her. He had no claim on her, had never given her any indication that he …
“Great Scott,” he said. “It couldn’t be.” But he knew it was. He was having feelings toward her. Much more than he’d ever admitted to himself – until now.
Out in the hall, Howard and Mary stood, a hand clapped over each other’s mouths as they listened to Jack talk to himself in the parlor. Their eyes were bright, their smiles hidden by each other’s hands. Howard’s plan was working. He removed his hand from his wife’s mouth and pulled her down the hall into the kitchen. “Thank the Lord!” he said in a low voice. “He thinks she’s leaving!”
“I’m sorry I doubted you, dear,” Mary said, her voice just as low. “Did Willow say anything to you when she went upstairs earlier?”
“No, but she was clearly unhappy.”
Mary clapped her hands together in front of her. “Wonderful! She must feel the same way about him!”
“Jack hasn’t attended services up until now, but he plans to go on Sunday,” Howard said. “No one has seen them together yet. And people have been asking about them.”
“Oh my goodness, you’re right,” Mary said nervously. “What will folks say to him when they see him?”
Now Howard was uncomfortable. “Congratulate him on his nuptials, what else? Everyone must assume they’re married.”
“And they’re not. True, they’re both living here, and we’re as good of chaperones as anyone” Mary pointed out. “But they both can’t stay under the same roof for much longer unless they’re wed. Willow would have to go to the boarding house … which is probably something she should have done from the beginning, now that I think about it …”
“No one in town has brought it up, Mary. In fact, I can think of a few who know she’s assisting Jack.”
“Naturally they know that, silly.” She put her hands on her hips. “You’re going to have to tell him.”
Howard blanched. “That she’s his mail-order bride?”
“No, that she’s descended from Russian aristocracy. Yes, that she’s his mail-order bride, what else? If Jack had been going to church, someone would have brought it up by now and he’d have found out that way. Face it, Howard, you’ve been lucky so far.”
Howard groaned. “I just wanted love to sprout up between them and take over. But you’re right – I suppose it’s time.” He sighed. “Jack’s not going to like this.”
“Then you should’ve told him at the onset,” she said. “I guess I’m just as guilty, though. I haven’t told him either. Or anyone else – people just assume they’re married.”
“But after we tell him, he’s going to get angry,” Howard said as his brows furrowed. “And he might drive Willow away … or not. Perhaps the truth of the matter will help. I ordered him a mail-order bride, she turned into his assistant and that was that.”
“Indeed it was,” came Jack’s voice from the doorway.
Howard and Mary spun to face him. “Jack!” Howard said in surprise. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough, cousin,” he said tersely. “Well?”
“Er … yes,” Howard said as he straightened. “I can only assume you heard most of what we said, considering the look on your face.”
“You ordered me a mail-order bride?” Jack seethed. “And you didn’t tell me?!” He sucked in a breath and continued. “You mean to say that all this time Miss Bennett has been under the impression that she would marry me? Howard, how could you do such a thing? And you a preacher – committed to the truth. Or is that only when it suits you?”
“Jack, I can explain everything,” Howard said as calmly as he could.
Mary slapped him on the arm. “I think you’ve explained enough.” She turned back to Jack. “We did it for your own good.”
“You were in on this too?” Jack snarled. “Oh, for the love of …”
“Yes, that’s why we did it!” Howard said, standing his ground. “You need someone to love, Jack. You’ve needed it for a long time now, even before you lost your sight!”
Jack would have been giving him a dirty look if he could look at all. “I don’t need anything – certainly not that kind of charity.”
“For crying out loud,” Howard said and pulled out a chair. “Stop right there and sit down.”
“Are you going to make me?”
“You stubborn, pigheaded dolt!”
Jack’s face turned toward Mary. “My my, such language,” he said cynically.
“Well, it’s not like you haven’t heard it from him before!” she shot back. “Maybe if you’d ever listen, you’d learn something! Now do as Howard says and sit down.”
Jack took a few steps back, one arm outstretched, and found the chair. He sat in a huff and glared, though not directly at anything. He just did it because it made him feel better. Lord only knew what it looked like.
“Thank you,” Howard said in relief and sat himself.
Mary took a chair also. “Jack, you need a good woman.”
“I don’t need to marry. I need my sister, safe and sound.”
Howard and Mary exchanged a quick glance. “And what if Emma is found?” Mary asked. “Are you going to replace Willow with Emma?”
“No, I’ll find Emma a good husband,” Jack explained. “I just came to that conclusion recently.”
“Aha!” Howard said. “You were thinking of using Emma as your assistant.”
“If only to protect her,” Jack said in his defense. “But only until she married. I can’t imagine she’d be happy just helping me.”
“Any more than you would be happy just being helped,” Mary said. “Jack, we love you, you know that. Please let someone else love you as well.”
Jack sat silent for a moment. “Why?”
“Because you deserve it, you stubborn fool!” Howard said. “The good Lord has sent you a gift, a woman you already know and who already likes you. Why can’t you take the blessing that is staring you in the face?”
Jack smiled. “Maybe because I can’t see it, cousin. Did that ever occur to you?”
“Your eyes have nothing to do with this. Stop punishing yourself for not being the Jack you used to be. Gads, I could write a whole sermon just on that.”
Howard was ready to keep going but Mary stopped him. She pointed at Jack. His eyes had misted.
Jack raised a hand as if to wipe his unshed tears away but then lowered it. “I’m alone. It’s best I stay that way.”
“No,” Mary said. “You’re not alone. You have us. Only because you think we’re safe, that we can’t hurt you. That we … won’t abandon you.”
Jack swallowed hard. “I know. You’re all I need.”
“No, Jack,” she said gently. “You need so much more.”
Willow paced her tiny room. How could she have let this happen? What an idiot she was! Maybe if she left now, her heart wouldn’t be broken any more than it already had. It’s not like she didn’t have enough for stage fare – Jack had started paying her several weeks ago, and paying her well. In fact, she had enough to get to Seattle or Oregon City if she wanted to keep heading west. Seattle was a big town, and she’d have a good chance of finding a job there.
If she stayed in this house any longer, it would just be harder to leave. Jack was far enough along in his lessons that he didn’t need her help anymore. What little help he did need, Mary could give him.
The thought bolstered her courage. She got down on her hands and knees, reached under the bed and pulled out her satchel. She’d pack her things, leave a note for Howard and Mary and get out of town first thing in the morning.
Coward.