Once she realized what I meant, her gaze fell to the coffee cup in her hand as she nodded. “You didn’t know. And I need to deal with this better than I do sometimes.” She exhaled a long breath as she shook her head. “Nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, there is. There’s a shit ton to be sorry for. You’ve shown my daughter nothing but love and I was too bitter and resentful to appreciate it. And if I had known . . .” I trailed off, scrambling to find the right words.
Brianna adjusted her long, blonde ponytail before turning to me with a raised brow. “You wouldn’t have pointed out how I wasn’t Victoria’s mother . . . if you knew I couldn’t be anyone’s mother.”
“How do you not hate me?” I couldn’t hold in my grimace.
“Again, you didn’t know. We came along and although we never meant to get in between you and Victoria, I could see why you resented us. I don’t know how you did it alone for so long.”
“I wonder that myself.” A real laugh fell from my lips.
“And, if I’m honest, I am a little jealous of you. You have something I don’t with Josh, and never will. Even if we try another way and succeed, it won’t be the same.” She bit her lip and looked away. “It’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes.”
I took the chair next to her at the table. “It would be a tragedy for you not to be anyone’s mother. Victoria loves you. Why I used to kind of hate you.”
Her head jerked up and we shared a chuckle. “I don’t hate you, Sara. Not then, and not now. It makes me happy we’re able to be friends and give Victoria a great Christmas.”
“Me too.” My lips curved into a smile. “Thanks for not making me sleep on the porch.”
She giggled and dropped her hand to my forearm. “Thanks for making us dinner.”
“Morning,” Josh muttered as he stumbled into the kitchen, pressing a kiss to the back of Brianna’s head before making his way to the coffeepot.
“Isn’t it like the butt crack of dawn? I know why I’m up this early.” He squinted at us as he took a sip of coffee. “No clue why the two of you are.”
“I had nervous energy, so I finished prepping dinner for later and finished baking. Well, I’ll be finished when Victoria wakes up and ices the cupcakes.”
“She needs to be in bed early tonight.” Josh nodded to her room down the hallway. “I have that bike to put together. It’s too big to hide.”
“Are you going to be able to do that in one night?”
Josh answered me with a cocky grin. “I can do it in an hour. It’s what I do all day. This one doesn’t have an engine so maybe forty minutes.” He snickered before putting the empty mug in the sink.
“I have some last-minute gifts to get.” Brianna downed the rest of her coffee. “I want to get to the mall when it opens.”
“On Christmas Eve?” I shrieked.
“Some things I can’t hide either.” She winked at me before rising from the chair. She gave Josh a quick kiss on the lips before rushing out of the kitchen.
I leaned my elbows on the table and swiveled my head. “You got really lucky finding someone like Brianna.”
“And fuck, don’t I know it.” He chuckled as he ambled over to the table.
“She’s so damn understanding. She’s almost not even—”
“Real? That crossed my mind more times than I could ever count, and you don’t even know the half of it. All I put her through when we were kids.” His eyes went vacant for a quick moment. “Anyway, I’m glad you guys are getting along. And we can all make Christmas nice for our kid this year.”
I smiled until my eyes landed on my phone. I stared at Denise’s text most of the morning but still hadn’t decided if I was texting her back. “This is definitely shaping up to be her best Christmas so far.”
“I better get going. Shop is closing early, but we have some deliveries and pickups.”
“People really buy motorcycles as Christmas presents?” I squinted at Josh.
“You’d be surprised. See you guys tonight.” He left the kitchen, and I was alone once again, tapping my finger, trying not to stare at the phone.
Denise had nothing to do with my parents cutting me off, as she was only a kid. I needed to move past the fear and get back the family I had left.
Snatching my phone before I lost my nerve, I pulled up Denise’s text and punched out a reply.
Me: Merry Christmas to you, too. I miss you. I’m in Queens until January 3. If you’d like to see me and meet your niece, let me know.
I meant it, all of it. I missed her so much and wanted her to finally meet Victoria. Maybe this was the holiday season for miracles.
Sara
“SO, WHAT IF I just open one . . .” Victoria shook one of the smaller presents under the tree as she pouted her lip at all three of us. Josh was ready to acquiesce before I held up my hand.
“Tomorrow. Josh and Brianna don’t know your Christmas M.O. One turns into two, then you want to wait up for Santa.” I crouched on the floor and kissed her forehead before I took it back.
“That was the best lasagna I’ve ever had in my whole life. Seriously, best Christmas Eve dinner I’ve ever had.” Brianna gushed from behind us. “And dessert.”
“Santa has like ten different cookies this year, too!” Victoria’s eyes widened. She forgot about the present, as I predicted she would.
“And he’s got cupcakes.” Brianna gave Victoria a big smile.
Victoria stood from the floor and shook her head. “No, he’s got cookies. The cupcakes are for you, Bri.”
She laughed and came over to my daughter, enveloping her in a hug and kissing the top of her head. “Thanks, Vic,” she whispered.
A smile ghosted my lips, my sister’s text a heavy reminder of how I was short on parental love, but my daughter had it in overabundance. Only the hugest asshole would begrudge her child of that. I decided this holiday that asshole would stop being me.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. Every alert made my heart gallop a couple of beats until I forced myself to glance at the screen.
Drew: Guess who showed up?
Me: Wow, and you said he probably wouldn’t.
Drew: I guess it’s the season for miracles. How are things there? Getting along?
Me: Actually, yes. It’s nice.
Drew: I told you so.
Me: They’re both forgiving people. I’m glad they were extra charitable this holiday.
Drew: I’m close enough to spank you if you start in on yourself again.
My cheeks heated before Victoria tapped me on the shoulder.
“Is that Drew?”
“Who’s Drew?” Josh asked from the couch.
“Mommy’s boyfriend,” my daughter answered for me. “He bought us the gift cards to Serendipity and to the comic book store.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I blurted and spied Brianna hold in a laugh.
“That’s a pretty fierce denial. And you know what that means.” Josh wiggled his eyebrows and I popped off the floor on an exasperated sigh.
“What does it mean, Mommy?” Her brow crinkled.
“It means your dad is a troublemaker. Excuse me.”
Scowling at Josh, I stalked in the kitchen just as the phone vibrated in my hand with a call. I glanced at the screen, thinking it was Drew again, but my stomach dropped when I recognized the same number my sister texted me from. This was it. My feet rooted to the tiles on the floor as I clutched the back of one of the dining room chairs. My teeth sank into my shaking bottom lip before I pressed accept.
“Hello?”
“Sara?” Denise’s voice cracked. My chest pinched at the flood of memories. She sounded like the baby sister I was forced to leave almost a decade ago. My nose burned as I struggled to find the air in my lungs to answer.
“Hi, Denise. Merry Christmas.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered. “And I’d love to meet my niece. Does she know about me?”
Whenever Victoria would ask about my family, I wo
uld respond with an abrupt change in subject. Telling her I had a sister and answering questions was too painful for me to even attempt.
“No, but I’d like her to. Maybe Saturday we could find somewhere to meet up.”
“Why don’t you come here? It’s been so long, Sara,” she pleaded.
“That’s because I’m not welcome there. I’m surprised they opened my cards.”
“Well, they didn’t, I did . . . but I show them her picture every year. Please, Sara.”
“Denise, I’m not bringing my daughter into that . . . horror I grew up in. She’s sweet and innocent and I don’t want her tainted by grandparents who don’t want to love her.” My fingers white-knuckled the chair now in anger. I couldn’t and wouldn’t set foot in that house with Victoria.
“They do . . . hold on.” Denise muffled the phone, and garbled words came through the receiver. I fell into a chair, my legs quivering and my breathing shallow. For years, I’d been completely on my own, no one to depend on, no one in my life other than my daughter. How could I ever forgive them for that?
“Mom, take the phone.” My heart thundered then stopped in my chest.
“Talk to her.” My sister’s distant whisper was followed by more mumbling I couldn’t decipher.
“Hello?” My body folded, my head crashing into my knees at the recognition of my mother’s voice. It’s what I heard on the days I came up short, when I’d play Tetris with my bank account and the one credit card I was allowed to manage the bills and keep a roof over our heads, and the nights I’d curl up in my bed alone, wondering how I’d do it the next day.
Can’t you do anything right?
Cooking school? Wow, that’s a big future.
You don’t even know your baby’s father? What kind of a whore doesn’t know her baby’s father? Get out!
Even without the usual malice in her tone, her voice cut through me like a knife.
“Mom,” I finally squawked out. “Merry Chris—”
The call disconnected, and I froze with the phone still attached to my ear. My mother hung up on me, refusing to speak . . . on Christmas Eve. My hands shook as a plethora of emotions rushed through me. Again. I put myself out there, right on the cutting slab, knowing the response I’d get but hoping for something different.
Your mother is supposed to love you or at least wish you a happy holiday. What was so wrong with me that she couldn’t? My hands shook as the walls seemed as if they were closing in on me. I had a good life now, or I was heading toward one. I even opened up to having friends, a . . . whatever Drew was, accepting Josh and Brianna as family. But the one thing I wanted, the one thing I yearned for my entire life, I’d never have. This wasn’t news but speaking to them brought it all to the surface and gave it an overwhelming permanence. Why did I reply to my sister’s text? Why did I put myself in this position? A full-blown panic attack filtered through my system and I needed to run. Where, I had no clue, but I needed to go somewhere. Victoria couldn’t see me upset, and even with the truce I’d made with Josh and Brianna, I couldn’t confide in them about this.
I raced to Victoria’s room and shoved my feet into my sneakers, moving so fast I almost tripped on the air mattress next to her bed.
“I need to run out,” I muttered, making no eye contact with anyone as I reached for my coat and scarf on the rack by the door.
“But Mommy, we still need to set cookies for Santa. Where are you going?” I winced at my daughter’s panicked voice but couldn’t turn around.
“I’ll be back.” I almost made it out the door when Josh’s hand gripped my bicep.
“What’s going on?” he whispered.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” I clipped, resisting the urge to shake his grasp and call more attention to the awful state I was in.
He huffed and let go. “Be careful; it’s late. Victoria’s already worried about you.”
Staring straight ahead, I replied with a curt nod.
The sting from the frigid bite in the night air chilled me to the bone as I rushed to my car. I unlocked the doors and turned on the engine, cranking up the heat but unsure of where the hell to go. Then it happened, wetness streaked my cheeks as a new coating of snow gathered on the windshield. A hysterical laugh bubbled out of my chest, as this night was turning out to be some kind of bizarro Hallmark movie, one where the happy ending didn’t happen. A white Christmas where the family didn’t take back their long-lost daughter with open arms. Instead, they shunned her and made sure she felt alone, because that’s exactly what she’d been her entire life. I touched my cheeks and glared at the tears on my fingers I could taste as they dripped down my face. She made me cry—with a phone call. I was that weak.
My body went on autopilot as I fumbled in my purse for my phone, pressing Drew’s number with a shaky finger.
“Hey, Caldwell. Happy almost Chris—”
“Drew,” my voice was gone, now just a barely audible whisper. If I spoke, I was terrified the sobs would rake through me and not stop. A lifetime of rejection barreled over me like a cannon and I couldn’t breathe.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Is Victoria okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. I . . .” I gulped, desperately trying to find the air to get this out without collapsing. What the hell was happening to me? “I spoke to my sister. She put my mother on the phone and she . . . she hung up, Drew. She wouldn’t even say Merry Christmas.”
“Where are you?”
“In my car in front of Josh and Brianna’s apartment. I can’t let Victoria see me like this, but I can’t move. Nine fucking years, Drew. Why does this still hurt so much? Why do I care? What’s so wrong with me that my own mother hates me?”
“Don’t you believe that for a second. Not one thing is wrong with you. What’s their address?” A door slammed followed by the revving of an engine.
“The corner of Fifty-Eighth Avenue, next to the highway. Drew, you don’t have to come—”
“I’m on my way. Stay in the car. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up, and more tears fell from my eyes. I didn’t fight him that hard because I wanted him here. After all this time of flying solo, I finally had someone to call. Drew was my someone—denying it any longer was pointless.
My head fell on my steering wheel as the first sob finally broke free. Josh admired me because I was tough? No, I was well-versed at ignoring. Tonight, I came face-to-face with my demons and they destroyed me.
I lifted my aching head to the tapping on my driver’s side window. I pushed the door open and climbed out. Drew was next to the car, his dark locks full of snow and big eyes peering at me as if I were about to explode before him. He wasn’t far off.
“Where did you park?” Resisting the urge to leap into his arms was almost impossible. Drew was a balm to my shattered soul tonight, but even now I still fought the blinding pull.
“On the corner.” He nodded with his chin behind him.
“You should be with your family. Even your dad. At least he cared enough to ask you to come for Christmas.” My chest heaved as the words fumbled out of my mouth. “Plus, you have cousins you like, right? I think you said an aunt, too? Family is good. It’s important.”
Drew didn’t reply as he inched toward me and opened his arms. It took me five seconds to collapse onto his chest in sobs.
“Shh,” he crooned as he tightened his embrace around me. “It’s okay.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I told you, I’ve got you.”
“I don’t understand.” I lifted my head off the wet spot of pooled tears on his jacket. “What did I do that was so awful? Why do I still want them to love me and be proud of me? Why am I letting them get to me? I swore she’d never make me cry.” I sniffed and shook my head.
“Listen to me,” he growled as he cradled my face and swiped my tears with his thumbs. “You’re amazing and smart and brave and beautiful. Don’t waste your tears on awful people like that. You’re raising a daughter and working your ass off to make a future for both of you.” He
kissed my closed eyelids and rested his forehead against mine. “I’m proud of you, Sara. I’ll tell you more when you’re ready to hear it.”
I stepped closer and brushed my lips against his. It was quick and light, but we both shuddered at the contact. He pulled back, pausing to study my face as if he didn’t believe what just happened.
“I couldn’t not kiss you after you said that.” I feathered my hand down his cheek, breathing him in, my heart now racing with passion instead of despair.
“Once we cross this line, that’s it. I won’t be able to go back,” he rasped against my lips. “I need you to be sure.”
“You don’t want to kiss me?”
“Are you kidding?” His eyes narrowed into slits. “I want you so bad it’s killing me. But you’re upset, and I won’t take advantage—”
I kissed him again, this time letting my lips linger. Drew hissed as I nibbled his bottom lip when I pulled away.
“Just do it, Kostas,” I begged as I ached for him to make a move. All the resistance I’d built up all this time evaporated in a rush.
Drew covered my mouth with his, gliding his tongue across my bottom lip, sensual but careful. His body was rigid and shaking from holding back.
“God, Sara.” My name fell from his lips like a tortured prayer before our mouths crashed together in a hungry, bruising kiss. He groaned as his tongue tangled with mine with deliberate and knee-buckling strokes. It was too much and not enough all at once. His soft, plump lips devoured mine as all the heat simmering between us for the past few months finally boiled over on a quiet, snowy street.
Was this still a bad idea? Probably, but I needed him too much to care. Drew made me feel loved and whole and wanted. I fisted the cropped hair at his neck, and he moved faster, drinking me in with fervor as if he was terrified I’d change my mind and tell him to stop. We weren’t stopping. Not anymore.
A whimper escaped me when he pulled away, both of us panting white clouds into the winter air.
“Those lips . . .” Drew drifted his thumb over my bottom lip. “You’re shivering.” He ran his hands up and down my wool-covered arms.
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