A loud bang made my head jerk up. Vinny was rolling on the floor, sniffling as his hands wrapped around his middle.
“He hit me!” Vinny’s nostrils flared. He pointed to the boy standing over us from where he still lay on the floor. I knew all about superheroes since my dad was a comic book geek, but I’d never seen one up close before. The boy who came to my rescue didn’t have a cape. His green eyes hid behind the floppy, dark curls on his head as he returned Vinny’s mean stare.
Mrs. Ruiz ran over and pulled Vinny and the new boy away from each other, dragging them to the “thinking chairs” in the back of the room. Vinny hiccupped as his tears turned into an ugly cry. The other boy—Mrs. Ruiz called him Josh—didn’t utter a single sound. He didn’t look mad or mean or even sad that he’d gotten in trouble.
At lunchtime, I sat alone on the far end of the table, unpacking the lunch Mom always gave me: a ham and cheese sandwich and two chocolate cupcakes with the white icing swirl at the top. They were my favorite ones.
“Can I sit here?” Josh asked me in a whisper. Seeing him up close, I wondered where his lunchbox was or if his mom noticed the bottom of his jeans were dirty. I always got in trouble for that.
“Okay.” I moved my Wonder Woman lunch box so he could sit. “Where’s your lunch?”
He shrugged. “I don’t have one.” He rubbed his belly, I guessed to cover up the growl he couldn’t muffle.
I reached into the box and pulled out the foil-covered sandwich. “Do you want mine? I wasn’t going to eat it anyway.”
His mouth twisted as he squinted at me. “You don’t want it?”
I shook my head. “I only really wanted the cupcakes.”
Josh laughed as he took the sandwich from my hand. My nose crinkled at the black under his fingernails. My mom always made me scrub my hands when I got them that dirty.
“You only want cupcakes for lunch. That’s funny.”
“I love cupcakes.” I glared at Josh with folded arms. “And I hate ham and cheese.”
“Okay, Cupcake,” Josh said through a mouthful of cheese and meat.
“My name is Brianna.” I stomped my foot under the table. “Why did you punch Vinny?”
“Because he made you cry.”
I let my arms go and unwrapped my first cupcake. “Where are your friends?”
“I don’t have any friends,” he mumbled as he continued to chew.
“I can be your friend.” I lifted my head all the way up and turned toward Josh.
He smiled at me for the first time. I was too young to have a heart pitter-patter in my chest, but I thought he was beautiful all the same. I’d never seen anyone smile with their whole face.
I took a big chomp of my cupcake, making us both giggle when the cream inside smeared on my nose.
“Sure . . . Cupcake.” He laughed again as he finished my sandwich.
I glanced around the room, not caring anymore who was there. From that day on, it was only the two of us. As long as I had Josh, I didn’t need anyone else. I fell in love with Josh the minute he punched someone solely for making me cry; I just didn’t know it until I was much older.
Right before I lost him.
Brianna ~ Thirteen years later
ME: I’m outside. Either come downstairs or I ring the bell.
NOTHING SET A person up for rejection like showing up unannounced. But if I’d texted before my arrival I’d get no response, so why should I have bothered? I was a hell of a lot braver on the short walk up the block from my house, all sorts of emotions fueling every step I took until I sprinted the last few feet.
I planted myself on his bottom step until I heard the creak of the screen door opening.
“Brianna, just go,” Josh snapped as he glared at me from his front door.
I glared right back as I leveled my gaze. “No. I won’t ‘just go.’ After all these years, I deserve something. ‘Thanks for sticking by me.’ ‘Goodbye.’ ‘Go fuck yourself.’ We’ve been best friends since kindergarten and you’re leaving for boot camp—or so I heard—tomorrow. Respect me at least that much, won’t you?”
Josh raked his hands over his face. “I’m doing you a favor.”
I stepped back and shook my head. “A favor? Throwing me aside like I’m no one is a favor? You’re real generous, Falco.” I folded my arms over my heaving chest.
His jaw clenched as he trudged down the stairs. He stomped through his days with an ever-present chip on his shoulder, but the sour expression he gave everyone else couldn’t fool me. I saw beyond the hardened edges and malice that he did his best to put forth to everyone else. With me, he was just Josh. My best friend. The best friend who was leaving me forever without a word.
“What about finishing high school? You can’t just leave!” But, in reality, he’d left a long time ago. He hadn’t been to school in three weeks and his locker was cleared out as if he was never coming back. Even before that, I hadn’t seen my Josh in months. The angry jerk who stood in front of me wasn’t my best friend, but I couldn’t stop hoping that he was still in there somewhere.
“I did finish high school. Got my GED today.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and gave me an annoyed shrug as if it was no big deal at all. Maybe to him, it wasn’t. I was the only one devastated in our now one-sided friendship.
“Why didn’t you just stay to finish like the rest of us? What’s the rush?” My voice shrieked as panic filtered through my system.
“I had one choice.” He let out a long sigh. “Uncle Billy was able to get his old military buddy to agree to let me enlist as long as I got my GED and I tested clean. They both spoke to the judge for me, and he agreed, since I didn’t have a record. You know it’s better this way.” The glare in his eyes softened for only a moment when his gaze met mine.
“Better this way? How could you say that?”
“I’m poison, Brianna,” Josh whispered. “Just admit it.”
“Stop saying that!”
He ran his hands over his newly-shaved head. Gone were the black curls that fell over his face, the ones I had dreams of running my fingers through when he kissed me.
“This is your chance. I’m not your burden anymore. You’re free of me, Cupcake. Finally.”
“Free of you? Are you serious?” My shaking hands balled into fists at my sides. I was losing him for good, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I never wanted to be “free” of Josh. I loved him. Not just as my best friend. I loved him with my entire heart and soul, and now I was about to lose the little part of him that always belonged to only me since we were kids. I knew his loves, his fears, and why he’d been in a downward spiral that was now accelerating beyond his control. I was the only one he cried to in rare moments of weakness, and the only one he laughed with on the few occasions he let his guard down. I never tried to save him, but I wouldn’t leave him. How could I? He was everything to me.
Josh’s eyes met mine but then darted to the ground. “They searched my locker. It was this or jail.”
“For weed? That’s stupid—”
He bit his lip and looked everywhere but in my direction. “There was Molly in there, too.”
My mouth fell open as I took a step back. “Why would you . . .”
He cocked his head as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Don’t look at me like that, Bri. You know I don’t use that shit. Gio told me I could get a lot more for the hard stuff, and the old man is too behind on the mortgage. It was this or move into the Y.”
“But your dad was supposed to get disability checks. Couldn’t he—”
“No, Bri,” he clipped. “Even when they start coming in, it won’t be enough. We’re too behind, so either we pay or the bank forecloses on the house.” Josh sold drugs to help pay the bills. He hid it from me for months, but I knew. This was it. Devastation seeped into my veins. How was I supposed to function without Josh? Sure, he kept his distance from me more and more, but even when we weren’t together, we were. I couldn’t
explain it. I felt his presence around me. We used to joke that we had a best friends’ spidey-sense. When did the bond between us turn into a curse?
“What about rehab or something—?” My desperate brain tried to come up with a solution—any solution. I was about to run inside and beg my parents to take him in—anything to make him stay.
“I’m eighteen. All of those places are off the table. It’s done, Brianna. Let it go.”
Let it go? Let Josh go? I didn’t know how to do that.
I took in a deep breath and gazed at him. If he wanted to keep the asshole mask on until he left, I’d let him. I knew who was really behind it, no matter how much he huffed and sneered at me.
“So, you aren’t even going to call me?” I crossed my arms and inched closer.
“I doubt I can have a phone at boot camp.” Josh spit his words at me, but didn’t back away.
“Then write me. You know, once they let you hold sharp objects again.”
Josh looked away, but not before I caught the hint of a smile. “Still looking to torture me with more writing.”
“Maybe.” A sad smile curved my lips. “You know you want to see how my book ends. Remember that summer I stayed at my grandparents’ upstate and we wrote every week? You probably couldn’t write every week, but maybe sometimes . . .”
I hated leaving Josh that summer, and he knew it. When I received that first letter in the mail, I ran my finger along the grooves his handwriting made into the paper and pretended that he wasn’t three hours away. I was overjoyed to still have a piece of him with me. I was as pathetic now as I was back then, but I still had to try.
I kissed his cheek and let out a long sigh as everything about him filled my senses. I took in his strong jaw, just inches away from his full lips. He was my beautiful, troubled boy. I cupped his cheek and noted his sharp gasp as my hand drifted down his face. He bit his lip as his gaze softened. Our eyes locked as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. The air between us was heavy with love and regret. For one brief second, Josh allowed the fear and the hurt he buried deep inside to flash on his beautiful face. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but it closed and flattened to a hard line. He planted a quick kiss on my forehead before he jerked away.
“Look, I have to go.” He turned to walk back up his steps. I zoned in on the back of his head, and did my damnedest to pretend I’d see him tomorrow. I tried with everything I had not to feel the finality and sadness that grew with every step he took toward his door. Even though he was still in my line of sight, the distance between us was already miles wide. He reached for his screen door and stilled.
“Do us both a favor,” he called to me without turning around. “Just move on. Go to prom, go to college, have a good life without me around to ruin it for you.” He craned his head, the hard edges of his face softening for a moment as his eyes met mine.
“Forget about me, Cupcake.”
Josh ~ Present day
I DIDN’T GET nervous; at least, not that I’d let anyone see. Not when I took on guys twice my size in school for saying shit about my father, not when I enlisted in the military to avoid jail, and not when training pushed my every limit and made me dread opening my eyes each day. But now, standing in front of the door of the only girl I ever loved, the one I hadn’t seen in almost ten years—that scared the shit out of me.
I told her to forget about me, but she never did. Fuck knows I could never forget her. We wrote letters a few times a month for the years I was away. Just as we did for our entire lives, we told each other everything—but always seemed to skate around one detail. Was she with anyone? I never had the balls to come out and ask, and neither of us volunteered anything. I exhaled and wiped the sweat off my brow as my boots crunched the brittle yellow leaves leading to her door. If she was, she was. I wanted her to have a good life. She deserved that. She was sweet and innocent but always stuck up for my sorry ass and looked out for me since we were kids. At the end of every dark and terrible day, she was my bright spot. All these years later, that’s how I still thought of her. My light out of the darkness.
This was always my plan. Once I finished active duty and served the rest of my time in the Army, I’d get on my own two feet, come back, and finally make her mine. As much as I wanted her to wait for me, I couldn’t make that request. I was a bastard of a kid, but not cruel, especially not to her. How could I be? Her goodbye embrace and kiss on my cheek got me through all these years. If she was taken, I’d have to hold on to that for a little longer—like forever.
Jesus H, Josh. Pull your panties up and just knock on the damn door.
“Just a minute!” Twenty-eight-year-old Brianna Morgan sounded as sweet as the seventeen-year-old version. I’d bet she was still as beautiful, too. I shut my eyes and wiped my sweaty tattooed hand on my black jeans. Could I get a fucking grip? I didn’t even know when the door opened.
“Josh? Oh my God!” Brianna covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes growing saucer wide. “Is it . . .” I laughed to myself as she looked me up and down. She gulped as her jaw quivered. “Is it really you?”
My eyes drank her in as I held in a sigh. Grown up Brianna Morgan wasn’t only beautiful, she was breathtaking.
“Hi, Cupcake.”
Brianna threw her arms around my neck and tackled me with a hug. I wrapped my arms around her and lifted her up by the waist. I buried my head in her neck while she squealed. I was home—back home with my girl—and I didn’t want to put her down. The familiar vanilla scent filled my senses. Everything about her was always so damn sweet. I set her back on her feet, her glossy eyes roaming my face as she beamed at me.
“But . . .” Brianna blinked and shook her head, as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “I just heard from you last week. You didn’t say anything—”
I kept my hands on her tiny waist. “I wanted to surprise you. Uncle Billy is opening that second shop after all, and he sent me back here to run it.” After the military, I worked for my uncle’s custom bike shop. I mentioned in my last letter he was tinkering with opening a store in New York, but I never said anything about possibly moving back to run it.
“I can’t believe it.” Brianna framed my face, her shaky hands pressing into my cheeks as if she were afraid I would disappear again. Warmth flooded my chest at the joy on her face. “Come in.” She pulled me inside and shut the door behind me.
I gazed around her apartment. She had a small eat-in kitchen, a love seat instead of a couch in the middle of her living room, and my heart sank into my stomach when I met the gaze of the guy sitting on it.
“I’m Scott.” He strutted over to me with an extended hand. “You must be Josh. The old best friend from the letters. Nice to finally meet you. I didn’t know people actually wrote letters anymore.” He snickered as he looked between us. I plastered on a big smile to hide my disappointment. I’d hoped, but hadn’t expected her to be alone.
“That’s me. I guess we’re different.” I’d gotten so used to sending letters that it never occurred to me to switch to email like the rest of the twenty-first century. Brianna suggested phone calls a few times, but I always made up an excuse. Hearing each other’s voices before we were ready, or before I was ready, would have done more harm than good to both of us. Letters kept us close in a special way but allowed me a comfortable distance. I could tell this guy wouldn’t understand that, and I didn’t feel the slightest need to explain. That was my piece of Brianna no one would touch.
“Nice to meet you. I hope I didn’t interrupt your night—”
“Not at all. I’m on my way to a business dinner, just dropped by to see my girl for a little bit beforehand.” Scott picked up Brianna’s hand and brought it to his lips. I didn’t miss the side glance he gave me as he did it. It’d been a long time since the overwhelming urge to punch someone boiled in my gut. I hated the familiarity in the way he touched her. That should’ve been me she giggled at with a blush in her cheeks. She was my girl long before she
was anyone else’s. Too bad I never told her.
“Did I hear you call her Cupcake?” Scott tilted his head as he narrowed his eyes at us.
Brianna smiled as she found my gaze. “Josh has called me that since kindergarten.” She tore her eyes away and brought them back to Scott. “When I was little, I loved cupcakes.”
“Doesn’t every kid?” Scott squinted at her, still holding her hand. Not that it bothered me or anything.
“In kindergarten, that’s all she would eat. Those little chocolate cakes with the white squiggles on the top. She gave me her real lunch and only ate the cupcake. It was our little secret, so I started calling her Cupcake, and it stuck.” She took care of me from the beginning, when I didn’t have a mother to pack me a real lunch for school. I probably loved her even then; I just didn’t know what the hell it was. Brianna was my center. But all these years later, I didn’t expect the pull toward her to be this powerful.
“Well, I better go. You guys probably want to catch up.” Scott kissed Brianna’s lips before heading out the door, igniting a burn of jealousy. Coming back into Brianna’s life as a caveman wasn’t my intention. I had no right, not after all these years, and definitely not after I withheld how I felt. Keeping it from her was the right thing to do, though, no matter how much it made me feel like shit right now.
After Scott left, I followed Brianna as she crossed the living room. I dropped my gaze to her left hand and breathed a sigh of relief at the absence of a ring.
“So . . .” She took in a deep breath and folded her hands under her chin, then turned to me once we were in her kitchen. “There’s so much I want to say . . . so much I want to tell you. I just . . . I feel like I’m dreaming.”
A jolt ran through me as I squeezed her hand. I let my thumb drift back and forth over her wrist as the air stilled between us. A dichotomy of emotions flooded through me. I was so happy to see her, yet furious that I was too late. But, either way, I was in her life to stay. I intended to reclaim my best friend, even if she couldn’t be mine.
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