Seven
You really don’t have to drive me home “I say when we are outside.
“My car’s that bad? “He says, looking at me, and I start to say” NO “and then I see a smile. “It’s hideous,” I tell him as I get in. “For starters, there is orange as I have promised for so long and I’m sure I’ll never actually have it, and secondly, where are the dents? How can you not drive a car that has dents that mean your mother has been distracted thinking about tortillas and pizza with bean sauce? - Pizza with bean sauce? “Yeah” I say. After my mother’s side will line at the grocery store when parked, she scored her recipe for tortilla pizza. Look, all the recipes have a twist contest. Or at least the winners have them, according to my mother. And she knows a lot about cooking contests. And cooking too, but the thing about competitions is … well, you know. His thing. “She has done great things. I even remember those cookies turtle made for your birthday number eight. “Those things are hard to forget when someone’s mother creates a river of chocolate sauce and making everyone wait to eat while she creates the turtles in-home ?” I say. The worst. Fiesta. Birthday. Always. “No way,” he said. That was cute. “Making people wait to eat cookies and then say no cake is not pretty. I think people took their gifts and left.
“Well, I can overcome that. I had to wear that brace on my tenth birthday. - Did not! He nods. “If I took them. Oh, hey, my sketch pad is directed your way. Turned a corner and it slides off the dashboard onto my lap. - Do you drive on, you draw? - I say, waving a finger at him, it feels so good to do this, speak and to be flirting. I know, but it is only a little. He smiles, his teeth glow while driving through the dark streets, heading to my house. “I’m trying to get some dents and improvise the image of the car. Rio and took the sketch pad. - Are you still doing these pencil drawings as last year? - Remember that? “He says, sounding surprised, and looking at me. I do, and I wonder if I should not even know he had a lot of his drawings presented and exhibited at the school last year Dad. I looked at him and told him that I loved when we ended up standing in the lunch line at the same time, but that was last year, and as a non-interested-in-him, you remember I can admit that? I doubt it. I put the drawing pad back to the dashboard and say, “You have some pictures at school, remember? Dad always drags mom and me to look at things. “Yes,” he says. Were mine. You probably do not remember, but I said last year that you liked, and I thought, well, that was really nice of you. He remembers! One of my fingers together trying to avoid shaking. That would not seem very good. - So you still do stuff like that?
“Yes,” he said. I just made this series of hands. I found all these pictures of my grandparents, my grandmother played the piano and my grandfather’s violin, and his hands when playing, are striking. Just … it’s like they talk to them, as if I could hear the music and want to try to show that “clears his throat. Sorry, I know it’s boring.
I shake my head’s not. I wish I could draw, but a straight line is all that comes out of me. - What about those buckets you do in class? She says, and I examine, surprised and happy that he noticed what I do in class. Especially since we have not been together for a while. “Well, I can draw cubes” I say. Maybe I should quit school. Could travel around the world drawing on things like bridges buckets or benches. My parents could use the money from my college savings. They would love that. He laughs again and says, “Maybe you can get a home at home. Draw cubes in the driveway or something. “Wait, we’re here? “I say, and then quickly added,” I mean, thanks for bringing me home. “It was fun,” says Ryan, a cute thing to say something nice about him, but when I look, a closer look before he returns to the party with my best friend, he is looking like … well, as if he would look at me. As if he loved what he sees, and he is smiling and her eyes are so blue, even in the dim glow of the input light they shine, and the seat moves blindly groping then reached the door handle trying to look away and still not be able to. -Sarah-he says, gently, almost hesitantly, my heart pounding, pounding, and this happens when you want someone you can not have. Love someone you should not even look. This is wrong, very wrong, to be here, but the longing gnawing inside me until it’s all I am until I am a trembling shell swinging toward him. I hear the soft, slow whistle of my seat belt as it extends, the faint echo in my head pounding, pounding on my fingers and my feet, roaring in my ears, and he is so close, then closer still, flicker flashing blue eyes staring before her eyelashes fall further and shake my eyes closed, locking the world. And then we kissed. It is a vast universe, an eternity of his mouth moving against mine softly, slowly scan that makes my insides turn, and I get lost in it, in it, and never return.
Your seat belt creaks as he leans closer, a hand touching my head and hear me breathing, I hear breathing. Two of us, just us two, except that it should not be. He is Brianna, my best friend. -Ryan-my voice comes out like a ball scratching aluminum, and he rests his forehead against mine. His fingers are still touching my hair. I can feel them shaking. -Sarah-he says again, and there is so much sweetness in her voice at him, and I’ve tried it and do it again and again and again until you think of anything else or anyone else. “Sorry,” I say, and he begins to shake her head, her hair so soft against my skin, even touching his forehead to mine, and my heart screaming that I’m not sorry at all and that maybe he did not. But then he says, “I did not mean …” His voice is quiet, and not, of course he had no intention of doing so. He did not intend to make this happen. He had no intention that we kissed. He has to Brianna. “Okay,” I say sitting up and smile with the smile you used when one of Brianna’s boyfriends are annoying me, the smile that says I will listen and I will understand because that is what I do. I know things are a little weird between you and Brianna now, and the thing is, Brianna thinks you’re mad at her, “I say, reminding me that I have a best friend, this is her boyfriend, and … Well, so what else is there? -. I know you’re not angry, but she is only … “drink. She really loves this and is so concerned. Ryan looks away from me then, staring at the windshield on the dark front yard. “I’m not … I’m not mad at her. Just … Sarah, I really had no intention … “I know as fast as I can tell, I do not want him to say something else. I do not want to hear what comes after “really had no intention ?, especially when he has said twice. And maybe my voice out a little too high, perhaps a bit hasty, but I can not sit here in the quiet darkness of Ryan with this car. When you need me that was a mistake, even though …
It was not. Not for me, and out of the car then I say, “Thank you again, without looking back, without knocking the door but closed and isolated.
I turn and look. Not see it go. I did not, but I’m trembling when I get inside. Trembling for what happened. To want what should not. How happy I was to talk to him. How easy it was to be with him. This kiss. Tonight, at the party, he said last week, and a moment I wanted to forget. But I have not been able to.
Eight
Here’s what happened, here is the time that has been stuck in my head, that of which he spoke at the party.
Maybe it was nothing, but I was still thinking about it. I had been thinking about it. Last Thursday, I went to Brianna’s house to leave a pile of clothes she had left at home. Mom and I had washed her out of my car, checking before it hit the bell Brianna’s mother was not home. “Hey” Brianna said as she opened the door and smiled when I said, clothes washed, Your Majesty. “I love your mom,” she said. And you too. But we already know. Sign. “I will not bother,” I said, and Brianna shook her head and said: “Do not worry, Mom is at work. At least take a soda or something. I did the shopping, so there is more to take the Ancient Secret Diet Tea. “Okay,” I said and walked inside the house. I saw Ryan sitting in the room on the couch. “Oh,” I said. I did not know … I did not see Ryan’s car … I should go. - Why? “Brianna said. We’re just going for a while. “Oh,” I said again and then I realized that there were other people in the room too. Shelby, Henry and Terry were there, were the performances that Brianna did every year and they w
ere all holding their scripts, looking at me with disgust.
“Sorry,” I said and Brianna said, “No, it’s good you’re here. You can hang out with Ryan because he is totally boring, but it is being too nice to say. In addition he has to lead everyone to
home, promised he would do after all make their presentation. And as for not seeing the car … well, I did park down the street and not have to go get it. And before you know it, was drinking root beer sitting next to Ryan while everyone I talked less and then he went only two of us, Brianna, Shelby and Henry went to the roof to make a scene, Shelby was saying. - Out! This is the kind of set we should ask! ? “Sorry,” I said again, as if that was all he could say. I did not know … I thought that Brianna was alone. “You could say” Ryan said. I told her I wanted to talk when I came to visit tonight and the next thing I know is I’m in the room with you. “Sorry, I was calculated as the thousandth time, Ryan said,” No, no I meant … it’s nice to be sitting with you. That’s what I mean … you know what I mean. - Making the most of a bad situation? “I said and smiled. “No,” he said staring at me and I wanted to look away from your eyes because they were too sharp, too blue and he was very attractive but I could not look away, I had to watch it because I spent much time convincing me that I was not scared I was acting as if he were just another boy. I mean it’s nice to be … not really bother me to be with you at all. I like it. “Yeah, me too I said, still smiling and trying not to interpret anything he said. It was stupid to do that and knew it. He also knew that should stand and go. But I did not move and said: “Unless you are preparing to throw me on the railing of a boat, right? “And I automatically think I stopped going. - Do you remember that? “It was only last year. “I know, I and my voice came out too strong, too calm, but inside I was shaking.
I did not know that the boats could thus make people sick, he said. I swear the only thing that kept me pulled to the side was that
I was talking to you. How is it that never got those sneakers full of dots? Oh wow, he remembered. Really remember. “I did,” I said. No … well, not looking as I thought they would. Seemed like a rash. Shoes. It was not pretty. I can not believe you heard me babbling about points when you felt so bad. - Are you kidding? “You were the best of the trip. - The best part? “I said then was this … silence. It was something strangely tense in a way that caused my toes are bent. “The second best, you mean,” I said to stop the silence. To stop me from looking at it and desire it. Out of the boat had to be the first. Outside, I heard Brianna said, “Shelby, you have to relax when you dance with Henry. Move your hips a little. Yeah, like … okay, not really. “You should go to practice with them,” I said I wanted the silence again, I wanted it, too. Show him how to dance properly Shelby. “I can not dance. “Well, not Brianna. Nobody can. But just hold her, do not go as fast as her. “No, seriously. I can not, he stood and did … something. I thought it might be a dance. But it seemed more like some kind of attack. The trouble was that I still thought he looked cute. - See? Stink “he said. “It is … well, actually dance a little,” I and the two laughed as he sat down, our shoulders collided when accommodated on the sofa. “I told you, he said. Remember when you asked us to go to the dance in eighth grade? I bet you are glad you got rid of that night.
Still laughing and thinking how stupid, yet adorable, he saw, said, “No, I would have loved, I …” and my voice trailed off slowly, hearing what I was saying. Was better than thou
pounds because … well, I’ve seen my picture in eighth grade. You’ve seen too. Not quite pretty. He shook his head. “No, I wanted to go with you. I wanted … and then silence again, the silence and I realized how close we were. How easy it was to sit with him. Smile, talk to him. Brianna And then I heard a laugh, I heard her say: “I know Ryan is great. Almost spent two months together, and I remembered exactly where I was. Who he was. And who was not. I stood up and said, “I better go and hey, congratulations on his nearly two months, I remember the night when they started dating and it’s great, too great. -Sarah-he said, standing up well and I left the room, saying from the outside: - See you later! -And went to the terrace, I told Brianna I had to go and hugged her, then drove home and I told myself that everything I had thought were just that. Things that only I and nothing else. But now … Tonight has occurred. And though I know he returned to Brianna, I still … I wish.
Nine
I dont sleep much, alternating between joy (the KISS!) and terror (the KISS!) and half expected Brianna come over and - well, I do not know what he would do if he knew. Ryan would have said? I knew that would not sound like I had kissed him, was not that kind of guy, but how do you say to your girlfriend that you and your best friend as they kissed that did not sound as bad as it was? I finally fell asleep after sunrise, tired. The kiss almost looked like a dream now. But it was not. Was real and had happened, and Brianna came while I went downstairs to find her mother preparing fudge pecan, and putting food on a plate. - What happened to you? Brianna said when I went to open the door. You look terrible. “I’m tired,” she said. I look. I shivered inside. I knew, I knew, I knew. - Well I can go or what? He said and I nodded, still waiting for his true reaction, walked into the house, sniffing the house. “I smell food,” he said, clapping his hands and sticking her head in the kitchen. Hello, when I said there, waving to my mom. Mom just said: - Look! I think you get prettier every day Do you want a sweet? Brianna shook hands and sat at the kitchen table.
- Where is the teacher? “He said, gesturing toward the room where I could hear Dad laughing with an old comedy
What was waiting for Brianna? Why act so normal? - What do you think? Mom said, handing me the plate. I said: “Great” and take a sweet, splitting it and eating it. I shook my head, scared and tense, too tense, I could feel the muscles in my legs shaking. - Do not you think you need a little more … green on the sides, perhaps, to improve the candy? The color is always good Or maybe something orange on the base? How was she supposed to do this? How could the old Sarah, Sarah boring, when Brianna knew and stood still for some reason? The look, but I was looking at the plate as if he were thinking about it now. I could not. “It looks like something out of a cookbook,” I told mom. Really professional, “she rejoiced, and went to show it to Dad. After Brianna turned to me and finally said - Can we go upstairs? I nodded, my stomach turned, and followed up with my vision blurred by the concern and sugar. In my room, choking me, waiting. Brianna went to my bed and said - What about Ryan? “No, I mean … wait what? -Not supposed to say that. - What about Ryan? He said again. He said nothing at night about being mad at me. Or my hair. But that’s not a big problem Have you spoken to recently? “If I said, and half-truth was on my tongue. Brianna, I … well … I have to … “Well, at least you said something,” he said, and stood up, shaking her hair. When he did notice a mark on his neck, was barely visible where his ended up in the neck blouse.
- What is that? “I said when I look as if to say - what do you mean? ? As if he could see his neck, and of course Ryan did not tell the kiss. Just return to the party and saw her and realized how stupid I was
been, then kiss once, twice, a million times, not a quick kiss but a hickey. Something that marked her as his own. “Well, you’re a little weird,” he said and touched his neck. His fingers stopped at the mark. “Oh, hell,” he said, and stood up, and went to my dresser mirror. I thought I would plug this shirt Got something to cover it? I shook my head and she said - “Your mother? “Maybe, but what’s this? Ryan was not mind-very difficult to say the words, normal. She looked down at my dress, flushed, and the look. - Brianna? - Do not tell, okay? She whispered. I know it was stupid. I know I should not let Greg … - Greg? -Greg. She looked in the mirror and went to bed, folding his arms. “Yes,” he said. I just … we were dancing, and I was saying how good I looked and hugged me and then said, “We are on some air ? and then we … Well, we were out a while his voice was low and fast in the last words. - Do you and Ryan broke? “My head was made balls becaus
e they broke and that was horrible because Brianna really liked, but what I could call? Would that be great? “Do not cut,” he said, and my heart stopped and my breathing stopped. - Are not they? But you and Greg … She shook her head. “I’m sure that Ryan did not see the hickey right? I told him to take me home and so could not talk because he had a headache. And he can not know about me and Greg right? I do not want to end it. I really like Sarah, but … we have not been, you know, doing a lot … - Do you … have not done much? “I echo like a bird, a stupid bird.
“Yes, and I do not understand,” he said. At first I thought I do not know, it was good that was not always trying to do things well. But he … us
kiss but that is all, and just … do not know, looked at his hands, which were clutching my blanket. I think I like most about what you liked What should I do? The look - What do you mean? “You always like guys more than you to them. What are you doing? How do you get through it? Ouch. But the thing is, it’s true. Still hurt, I thought. A lot. “Well, every guy I like, I always liked you more than you,” I said, sitting beside her, and it was true, the terrible truth, but I could not mourn now. I could not. The thing is that you have not been around to see it … well, I’ve done pretty well out of my mind and the rest … “I stopped, because there was” the rest. “There were only two boys. Two. And Brianna knew only one of them. Sam. Last year, I liked Sam, was new and in New York, and wrote excellent short stories and Brianna had not seen when we were talking and she came. I could say that Brianna had something that made him immune to it, and I … well, I liked being the girl he wanted. And then what’s happened homecoming dance. Sam I wonder if I could go to the prom with him and even thought everyone said they hated him because the homecoming dance was incredibly stupid, it was incredibly stupid, because you had to buy a nice dress and you had to see the chichos different wearing jeans and sneakers. Everything was glamorous, but somehow good. Unbelievable, even. I was excited. And he had gone to buy the dress with Brianna, and not something used because the guy she was someone who would was launched, then buy something incredible. I do not looked as good as Brianna, of course … she bought that short, tight red dress that even the saleswoman said “Wow” when he left the station … but I looked pretty. O at least I thought I looked good. Sam had even said I looked good when I went to pick up, and again when we were dancing in the gym decorated with music on the school had set. And then I went to the bathroom.
The Unwritten Rule Page 3