PURPLE ROSE FORUM
165
- How retarded are you? “She says. Have you come to slap you again? Because I’ll be happy to do it without you ringing the bell like an idiot. “Sorry,” I say, and she rolls her eyes and begins to close the door. -Brianna, wait, I say, I know that’s not enough, right? But they are the only words I have for how bad I feel. For the things I did. I should have said I liked Ryan. I should have said … “I slowly fade away, swallowing. Her face is so angry that when I say that we did more from the moment she saw us together, I will be slapped for real. “I should have told us … Brianna, we did more after you saw us together, drink again. We kissed. Twice. She did not hit me just looks at me then laughs. - Are you coming over here to say that? Shit, Sarah, thanks. I am very happy to know that not only stole my boyfriend to be a total bitch, but then you were a fucking liar. That’s great! Really, thank you, but the thing is, now I realize what trash you are. Ryan will too, and when it does, you can swear that I will not mourn for it. She close her eyes. - Or why are you here? Have been that, “Five months? “It’s getting sick of you? I’m surprised it took so long. Sam could do it through dancing. “I was wrong,” I say slowly, I do not know the hurt and hatred that his words bring, the way she is trying to reduce. Should have been honest with you. Brianna is just that-was-afraid that hate me. “Well, you were right. Do you really think that coming here would work? What I’m just going to forget what you did? - It was not about you! “I say, Brianna continues to sneer on his face changed to something different, abstracted and lost. -I-I do not hurt you “I say, I hated myself for how much he liked me. But never, never kissed him because he was your boyfriend. I kissed him not because he wanted to hurt you, even though I know I did. I kissed him because I liked it since the eighth grade, Brianna, I know you know. I know you remember the dance he asked me.
“Oh, then why are you rewriting history now? “She says, but his voice is trembling. I’m the one who stole it, the bad girl. “No, that’s not” wrong. That’s it. But it was not, as I said. I never wanted to say something that hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted. “Forgive me, Brianna said, his voice cold as ice again, I had said the wrong thing. It is true that I never meant to hurt her, that Ryan and I were not what we were for her, but she had heard that it was not her in the past, he had heard from people who supposedly loved her, from her parents who had never placed first, never put on their hearts, and all that, what I had said, meant that everything was going to hear were betrayals. “Well,” I say softly. I knew it hurt you if we find out how I felt. I knew it was wrong to like him and I liked it anyway. I-I wanted it, Brianna, but as it went, it was not, I really thought you two were over. We both did. You have to believe me. “No,” Brianna said. You did what you wanted, and now you’ve got what you wanted. You are with Ryan, but you are here, as only her friends can be, and how you feel. You’re with someone who is not completely there, who is with you but never actually does, and you know what? It will not change. Ryan will never love you. He could not even love me, What change can you do? He does not even going to think of love, much to say, and let go of our friendship … “Her voice faded slowly, took a step back and that was when I knew I could still keep hurting. That I’m hurting again. She knows me enough to see what I have with Ryan. She sees that shines in my heart. “He … told you? “She whispered. Did he say? Do you love? -Brianna … “Oh,” she says, her calm voice, I did not, “she looked down, blinking hard, is what it is costing this show is that she hates herself in this way, the pain many often has hidden and only revealed when it is so strong that it can not keep. When everything she feels.
-Brianna … “I say again, and I stop because there is nothing that can be arranged. I can not get no love me Ryan. Even if I could, I would not, because I love him, want to be with him, come to see Brianna because I miss and wish not to have hurt. I wish I handle things better. But not wanting to Ryan. She looks at me again, and the silence stretches between us. In the stillness, listen to his dejection. Hear years of our lectures and films we saw and work on tasks. We hear only buying and eating and sitting together, silent and only the Friends can be, in the manner of speaking without saying a word. We also hear talking, talking about his life, his parents. I remember holding her hand while she was waiting for either to appear every night in their match began. Every night she was someone else, every night she grabbed everyone to bother when he was party, and never came to see her. Listen and remember all the things that made our friendship. I remember when she needed to be around my parents, my life. I remember how she knew I needed your smile because it made me sad to think that one day could also shine. I never thought it would be like without it. “Do not say anything about Greg, right? “She says not being really a question. It was more like a surprise. I shake my head. “I should,” she says. I guess that makes you feel better, knowing that. Do you think your “Sorry ? arrange something. Making you think you’re better than me. “No,” I say. It does not. And I’m not better. She looked at me again, for a long time, and then shook his head. “I can not do it,” she says. I can not let go again. Ryan was … was one thing. He’s just a boy. But you. Sarah, you were my best friend. You were the person I always was-that I always knew would be there.
Do not be stupid. You need me. “I’m still here” I say, I single-Brianna, can not we be friends as we really are? I can not be who I am, I can not be just me? “Wait. Are you really saying that? I can not be who I am? You mean, “I can be friends with a liar?, Right? Is that what you’re asking? Drink. The look. I had lied. Had done stupid things. Horrible things. I’m not perfect. But nobody is. Not even her. “Yes,” I say. That’s what I’m asking, and she blushes, looking behind me. She knew what I was saying. She knows, she has made mistakes in his soul, too, and I had been pushing it all together, had become the Brianna observed that I thought belonged to the outside world but not me. He had seen her become the Brianna looking with simplicity to everything. Who looks like nothing and no one would ever surprise her, once her angry. Ever really touching. And then she closes the door. No words of farewell, not goodbye, only his face, known or not fading. Do not wait to see if she returns. The know-it-and I would not. She would walk away and not allow herself to look back. I know I never would. I drive toward home, thinking about what happened. Unhappy about what I am, but not as Brianna was unhappy that I had hoped. Our friendship was real, but was built on my need for it in me to believe that she was somebody, and I can not be that girl anymore. I do not want to be that girl anymore. I should not have lied. Should have told him how I felt. I should have said “I like Ryan ? that first night at the party after the school began. Should have believed in what he believed. In myself. I went on the road to my house. Ryan’s car is still here. I see him sitting on the porch, talking to my father. Out of the car, my father greets, and Ryan smiles.
All the things I had thought about love is real. It is beautiful and terrible and does not make things perfect. Ends things, and brings new beginnings. This is mine.
The Unwritten Rule Page 14