by K. A. Linde
Devon lost the rest as her stomach dropped. How could Brennan know that? Was she that obvious? Or was he a good guesser? Either way, it terrified her that he was that perceptive when they didn’t even talk all that often. She had let her guard down without even knowing it.
Retreating a couple more feet until she was entirely out of earshot, she contemplated how she had let this happen. When had she allowed herself to be this secure? When had she forgotten how tenuous the thread was, and how easily it could snap, bringing down all her nightmares around her?
This wasn’t just about Brennan because she hadn’t even known she was weakening around him. This was about Garrett, too. He was just so incredibly nice, and she hadn’t met anyone quite like him. They had spent more and more time together, staying up to watch Netflix late at night after they had gotten off work, laughing about the absurd hours of their jobs, and marveling in their shared love of dessert. How many times in the past week had she wanted to tell Garrett? She had held her tongue, but the more comfortable she got, the more she wanted someone to know.
Devon bit her lip and tried to hold in all her emotions. She had to deal with Hadley first.
After her conversation with Brennan, who had immediately made himself scarce, Hadley approached her.
“Can we talk…in private?” Hadley asked, obviously still unsure about it all.
“Yeah,” Devon said. “Let me just tell Amy that I’m taking a break.”
HADLEY AND DEVON sat in the break room in the back of Jenn’s. Devon missed her friend, and it was in that moment that she fully realized it. She wished she could unload all her problems on Hadley and have her put them all together in the right order, but Hadley already had too much to deal with. She couldn’t also suffer from Devon’s issues.
“So…” Hadley said.
Devon nodded. “So…”
“I see you have a job at Jenn’s.”
“Yep,” Devon said. She didn’t know what Hadley wanted to say, and she thought it was best to allow her to direct the conversation.
“How did that happen?”
“Brennan helped me out when I couldn’t find anything else.”
“He’s a nice guy, that one,” Hadley said absentmindedly.
“So it seems.” Devon said.
“I guess I’ll just go ahead and say it. I’m pretty pissed at you, and it’s not going to get better right away,” Hadley said. “You violated my trust, not to mention my hospitality. It’s going to take a while before I start to trust you again.”
Devon nodded slowly, not sure what to say. That much was true.
“But…I know that I violated your trust, too. I’m not going to talk to you about my problems. They’re mine. When I’m ready, we’ll figure it out, but until then, I don’t want you to interfere.”
“Hadley,” Devon interrupted. Hadley had to be reasonable.
“No,” she said, holding up her hand as she stood. “They’re my issues. I’m not begging you to tell me yours, and I know you have some. I’ve always known, but it’s your business.”
“I think you need help, Hadley,” Devon said softly, feeling like a hypocrite.
“I think you don’t know everything about what I’m going through. All I’m saying now,” Hadley said, taking a step toward the door, “is that I’m tired of tiptoeing through my life. I’ll come and go as I please. I’ll be at the apartment and Jenn’s. Brennan has a gig coming up soon, and I’ll be at that, too. I’m sure you’ll be there, and I’m tired of it being awkward. Let’s just go from there. We’ll let the trust rebuild naturally.”
“Hadley, please,” Devon said, desperate to reach her friend. “I am sorry about what happened.” She choked on her words, wishing that it could all go back to the way it was.
“It’s too late,” Hadley said, reaching for the door. “The damage is already done,” she muttered before exiting.
Devon stared at the closed door. She was beyond frustrated. Was this what it was like for people to deal with her? No. Nobody knew what her problem was. Maybe that made it even more frustrating. She didn’t know. She just didn’t know.
All she knew was that Hadley was using, and likely, she was using more than she was before. She was irritable and uncompromising. Devon wasn’t sure how she could reach her, but she would try however Hadley let her.
IT WAS WELL past closing time. Jenn had been complaining about their work, and Devon was tired of hearing about it. So, she took extra care in cleaning the restaurant. Each table was sprayed down and scrubbed clean. Then, she moved on to the chairs and booths. She mopped the floors and cleared away any excess dust from behind the bar. Brennan had soaked down the bar, so she didn’t have to touch his area.
Moving out of the main dining room to the kitchen, she set to work on washing the piles of plates, cups, and silverware in the sink. After putting them back where they belonged, she mopped the floor in the back and then cleaned the countertops of any additional residue. The kitchen staff was pretty good at wiping down the counters, but Devon put extra effort into it anyway. She rearranged the cleaning supplies in the closet, and then she closed the door with a satisfied grunt.
Jenn wouldn’t have any complaints in the morning, at least not about the cleanliness of the restaurant. Devon had made sure of that.
Locking up, Devon turned around and began walking toward the nearby L station. Even late at night, she was getting accustomed to the walk. Brennan typically waited and walked with her. He had some intuitive knowledge that she didn’t like to walk in the streets at night by herself, but then again, he didn’t think it was safe for her to be here by herself. He was probably right. She wasn’t sure what he was doing tonight. She wished he had stayed.
Taking the first right, she headed down the dark street, holding her purse close to her side. It would be just her luck if someone mugged her on her way home. She should have asked Brennan to stay. That would have been smart.
She walked for a while, her paranoia getting the better of her. She knew that Chicago wasn’t all that safe, but the area near Jenn’s was pretty nice. Plus, it was less than a ten-minute walk to the L station. She knew cleaning had taken her longer than normal, but she hadn’t realized how much more deserted that would make the streets.
She didn’t like it. The feeling was unnerving. She increased her pace in an effort to reach the train quickly, so she could get back to the apartment. There was no reason to be out on the streets longer than necessary.
The faster she walked, the slower it seemed like she was moving. The buildings seemed to stretch farther and farther down the street until she wasn’t making any progress at all. She checked over her shoulder to see if she was just imagining things, but the buildings in front and behind her were unbelievably long…impossibly long.
Her stomach twisted, and goose bumps broke out on her skin as fear prickled her body. She could feel it then. Eyes were watching her, following her every movement. She didn’t see anyone, but she knew they were there.
Taking a deep breath, Devon tried to rationalize what was happening. She had hyperventilated before over something like this. Perhaps she was just imagining what was ahead and behind her. Her mind was playing tricks on her. But she had been walking an interminable amount of time, and it didn’t look like she was any closer to the L. Wasn’t she supposed to take a left up ahead? She definitely hadn’t come upon a cross street yet.
Devon broke into a jog, hoping to put as much distance between her and the strange city buildings as possible. The faster she went, the farther the buildings stretched. Her mind couldn’t process it. How was it possible that she wasn’t even moving when her breathing was ragged from running?
Finally, she saw her turn up ahead. She took off toward it, ignoring the nagging feeling that someone was following her. Devon cut the sharp corner and saw the L station up ahead in the distance. A stitch was forming in her side under her ribs, and she pushed her fingers up into it to try to dull the pain. She wasn’t a runner and never had been. Dev
on wondered why her pursuer didn’t just run her down. She wasn’t very fast, her speed was already slowing considerably, and soon, she would have to stop. Adrenaline was the only thing fueling her on.
But the person stayed a distance away, her pursuer’s eyes locked on Devon.
She reached the stairs in a hurry and scrambled up them, wanting to put as much distance between her and the person after her as possible. She swiped her card, pushed through the metal turnstile, and stepped out onto the platform. She flew up the second set of stairs and prayed that a train was waiting for her.
The footsteps on the stairs below her told Devon that the person was fast approaching. She knew the train schedule, and it would likely be another couple minutes before it arrived this late at night. She paced back and forth in front of the railway, debating her options.
If someone was coming after her, she didn’t have the luxury of time to wait out a train. She needed to act now. Biting down on her lip, she decided to make a move. She sprinted down the platform to the opposite end where the elevator stood. Her finger repeatedly mashed the down button. She could hear the rhythmic rise of the machine as it took its time approaching the top floor. Devon cursed its slowness. Even if she made it inside before the person reached her, her pursuer might be able to get to the bottom floor before the elevator.
Her head whipped around and saw that the person had made it up the flight of stairs. Devon didn’t have another choice. She bolted into the elevator as soon as it opened and slammed her hand down on the button to close the door.
Bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, she watched the doors slide shut just as her tracker realized where she had gone. She didn’t get to see what his move was. Was he rushing down the stairs now? Would he beat her there? She didn’t know. She just didn’t know.
As the elevator slid down the shoot, Devon jumped up and down, wanting it to move faster, but of course, it took its sweet time. It was old equipment, and it wasn’t likely to listen to her pleas for help. Finally, it reached the bottom floor, and the doors dinged open. Devon didn’t think twice. Vaulting through the doors, she hoped that if the person had already made it to the bottom floor, he wouldn’t be expecting her to run straight at him.
Her burst of speed was unwarranted because her body collided with a soft white bed that came out of nowhere. She face-planted into the mattress, sending her legs flying behind her. Devon shouted out in surprise, trying to right herself.
As she did, she felt a hand grasp her arm and hold her in place. She kicked out and smashed into something solid. She heard the person grunt, but he never loosened his grip on her arm. Her face was shoved into the mattress, muffling her cries and tears. She wasn’t sure if she could breathe properly, but the person didn’t seem to care as he held her in place. Her heart hammered in her chest as she tried to judge what the person would do to her.
“You thought you were safe,” the voice said, “but you’ll never be safe.”
TEARS WERE STREAMING down Devon’s face even before she woke up. She heard the television, and the bright light from the screen hit against her closed eyelids. She had the good sense to know that she wasn’t alone. Someone else was in the living room where she had fallen asleep after she had returned from work earlier that night. It was most likely Garrett since he was always up this late with her. She couldn’t face him like this.
A shuddering sob raked through her body. She wished that she had been able to hold it in, but it burst out of her unbidden.
She felt his eyes on her like she was back in her dream. While watching her, he was likely worried as he wondered why she was weeping in the middle of the living room when she had been fast asleep only a few minutes earlier.
Devon had thought the nightmares were gone. She had thought the dreams were in the past and that she had moved on. It had been weeks since she’d had one, and then this…
It was so close to reality. It was like her nightmares were getting closer and closer to the truth. The dream had felt so real. She remembered the feeling of exhaustion, the pride in a job well done, and wondering where Brennan was. But Brennan had walked her home earlier tonight, just like he had every night since she had started working there, since her mental breakdown on the street.
The words rang in her ears over and over again. “You thought you were safe, but you’ll never be safe.”
They were painful words that breached her subconscious on a regular basis. Who was she to think that she was safe? How could she believe that everything she had run from would just be back to normal when she returned?
Sitting up, Devon bent her legs up to her chest and rested her forehead on her knees. She couldn’t open her eyes and face Garrett. She didn’t know what he was thinking. He probably just thought she was a nutcase. She had told him that she was sleeping better, and now, here was proof that she wasn’t.
She heard the chair creak, and then footsteps crossed the carpet. The weight behind her shifted as Garrett sat down on the couch. He softly stroked her back a few times, and she cried harder at the comforting touch. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. Nothing he could say would help. Nothing he could say would be better than the soft embrace as he pulled her into his arms. Devon leaned into his chest and let her tears stain the neck of his polo shirt. He rested one hand on the back of her head as he held her in place, letting the pain rush through her. At times, he would rock her back and forth while stroking her hair. Other times, he would place his chin on the top of her head and just hold her.
When it felt like all her tears were gone, Devon pulled back, and Garrett released her. Finally opening her eyes, she looked up at him and saw the worry on his face. It was far deeper than she had even anticipated. How could he even look at her? She was an ugly crier and probably looked red and splotchy with a swollen face and tear-battered cheeks.
“Are you all out of tears now?” he said, his thumbs wiping the streaks of tears from under her eyes.
As he asked the question, more tears welled in her eyes as she blinked up at him through her blurred vision.
“Hey now, it’s going to be alright.”
Devon shook her head and looked away from him. She couldn’t face him. She couldn’t bear for him to look at her like this. He was the only piece of sanity that she had been able to grasp on to recently. Hadley was so distant. Devon hadn’t been able to reach out to her at all. Even though she had still been physically present, she was no longer mentally there. Brennan was a dangerous circumstance to consider. He watched her too intensely, and she was sure that he hadn’t forgotten their kiss. He kept his distance because he knew about Reid. But for how long? Garrett had been her rock, her only sense of normalcy.
“I thought you said you were sleeping better,” he said accusingly.
Devon swallowed hard, trying to find her voice. After that terrible nightmare, she wasn’t sure she could even think straight. “I thought I was, too,” she said, her voice hoarse.
“You’re back to crying when you wake up. Next, you’ll be screaming again. What changed?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” Staring down at the white carpet, she tried not to think about it.
“Do you remember the dream? Can you tell me about it?” he asked cautiously.
She wanted to shut down. She didn’t want to discuss her dreams with anyone. She didn’t even want to think about them. But here Garrett was, comforting her and helping her. It felt like no one else even cared. Even though she hadn’t told other people, he was here, and he was so damn nice. Maybe she could trust him. Maybe…
Devon slowly nodded her head. “I…I remember,” she said softly.
“Will you tell me about it?” he repeated.
The silence that lingered between them was thick with tension. He was waiting for her to answer, and she was determined not to. What could she say to make him understand? She couldn’t tell him everything. She couldn’t tell him what had really happened. How would he react? What would he do?
“You
don’t have to tell me,” Garrett said finally, staring down at the same space of carpet. “I understand if it’s personal. I just want to help you. Maybe talking about it will make the dreams stop.”
Devon hadn’t thought of that. She didn’t think the dreams would ever stop. They had stopped for the longest stretch of time recently, and still, they had returned with a vengeance.
Garrett sighed softly as if he thought he had lost. “If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine,” he said, beginning to rise.
Devon reached out and touched his arm. “Don’t go,” she whispered.
His eyes met hers then, and she was sure that all he saw was a hollow shell looking back at him. She felt pitiful and worthless. She just needed someone to believe in her.
He nodded and sat back down. “Are you going to tell me about the dream?”
“I’ve never talked about it before,” she answered finally. “Not really.”
“Well, I’m all ears. You don’t have to be afraid to talk to me.”
Taking a deep breath, Devon began. She told him what she had been experiencing in her dreams—how the person would always chase her and how the landscape would alter but it would always be the same person. She didn’t know how she knew that it had been the same person each time, but she just did. She told him about the fear that had gripped her, the inevitable end when she had been caught, and more recently, the times she had been thrown down on the snowy white bed in the matching white room. But she didn’t tell him the words the person had spoken. She wasn’t prepared to release that much of herself.
Garrett listened intently the whole time as if he was trying to really soak up what she had experienced. The longer she talked, the more invested he seemed to become in her story. He never laughed or made light of her dream even though at times when she was telling the story, it didn’t actually seem as scary as it had been in her sleep.
As the story came to a close, she ended in a huff and just sat there in front of him with her fears laid out in his lap. She didn’t know how he would respond or what he would say. She felt exposed and more than a little bit silly.