by Michelle Lee
A tissue is passed to me a couple of times, especially when I relive Evan walking out of the bridal suite—walking out on me.
My heart shatters all over again as the words and emotions behind those words leave my lips. And now I am finished. Everything is out of me. I have three sets of tear-filled eyes looking at me. Patrick’s bottom lip quivers, Geoffrey soothes him, and Ashlee sniffles, shaking her head. The room is completely bathed in silence—until…
"Um," Patrick begins, "So, you are admitting you love Evan?"
"Well…um…I…I…I didn't really say," I start.
"Oh, honey, you are so blind, and you must think the three of us just stepped off the Jersey Shore…because it is as plain as my finely waxed bod that you love Tarzalicious. Ashlee knows it, I know it, Patrick knows. Shit, I bet even Tarzalicious has thought it. Everyone but you. This little futuristic montage you just had is telling you exactly that," Geoffrey chimes in.
"I know! The planets are all aligned, the stars are shining brightly, the sun is in the eighth house, and Marc Anthony and J Lo are practically back together!" Patrick jumps from the bed, his arms stretched to the ceiling, his head thrown back.
"Oh, pookie, Marc and J Lo is just a fantasy. Evan and Zoey…now that's real." Geoffrey soothingly rubs Patrick's back while Patrick pouts.
"One can dream those two will get back together. I mean, they're doing it for Kohl's, they can do it for me, right?"
Geoffrey wraps his arm around Patrick and pulls him into his chest. I swear I hear sniffling.
"Zoey?" Now Ashlee has my attention. She sweeps a stray hair behind my ear and then holds my hand in hers—rubbing soothing circles as she does. Ashlee always knows. There's no hiding from her. Never.
"Zo, you know I've kept my mouth shut about…well, about you and Evan and your suppression of feelings," Ashlee begins, but I quickly interrupt her with my bitch brow.
Mouth shut? Who in the hell is she kidding? Ashlee's mouth has been anything but shut on the subject over the years. I can’t even count using my fingers and toes, plus, hers, Geoffrey’s Patrick’s and about half the party guests how many times she’s said something on the matter. Mouth shut my ass.
"Okay, okay…so maybe I've been a tad bit vocal over the years." Ashlee smooshes her index finger and thumb together—illustrating a tad.
A tad my ass.
"Ashlee, a tad, really?" I quickly question—bitch brow still in place.
"Okay, fine. I've said a word or two, or a thousand, and quite loudly too," she huffs.
I nod and smile like I've won the lottery—'cause let's face it…I'm never going to be right again when it comes to Ashlee. She always wins. Never doubt or go against Ashlee—that's something I learned a long ass time ago.
"So, my vocal-ness agrees—Geoffrey and Patrick are right, and I've thought it and known it since…well, since I've known you. As hard as you've tried to suppress these deep feelings you have for Evan, locked them away and buried them, you just can't. They're there every time you're near him, every time you talk to him, every time anyone mentions him. They're there every time, all the time. I think this slight interaction with Griffin stirred up something; cleared away the cobwebs. I've known for a long time that one day you would finally admit that you love him—always have and always will."
"Ashlee, I don't…I mean…I do…but I can't. He won't…he doesn't…" I utter, finding my fingers and hands very interesting.
"Zo, look at me," Ashlee tenderly commands.
I do, and that's when my eyes well up with tears. That's when I know there's no denying it any longer. That's when my heart breaks open, and everything I've ever felt for Evan bubbles over. And that's when I finally say it, out loud, "I love Evan." I feel exposed. I feel raw. I feel… Relieved, yet, terrified. No good can come of this. I'm going to lose him, just like… It wasn't real. It didn't happen.
"Don't," Ashlee commands.
"But, Ashlee," I respond.
"No buts," she insists.
"Yeah, no buts, unless we're talking about Dr. Hot and Give Me a Hard-on, then we can talk about buts. Zoey pooh, there are no buts when it comes to telling Tarzalicious you love him. None," Patrick interjects his two cents.
And of course after Patrick, Geoffrey needs to add his. "Pookie is right. After what we saw, I would say you have no buts. None at all."
Patrick nods like a bobble head.
"What did you two see?" Ashlee asks before I can formulate the question.
The three of them practically huddle together, ignoring me, like I'm not even in the room.
"Wellllll, let's just say Tarzalicious was ready to go all caveman on poor Griffin. He was jumping out of his skin…" Geoffrey begins but Patrick interrupts.
"And loin cloth. Not that I would have minded." Patrick wiggles his eyebrows.
"That's beside the point…a good point, but it's beside the point. The point is…that man, who she claim is only her best friend, so isn't. That man sees and feels love when it comes to Zoey. It's written all over him," Geoffrey finishes.
"Yep, all over him. All over every chiseled muscle," Patrick agrees.
"That's what I've been telling her for years. The both of them actually. They are both too damn stubborn to see what is right in front of them," Ashlee adds.
"Stubborn? No way," Patrick says sarcastically.
"From what you've told us and what I've seen tonight—they are both stubborn. We practically had to drag Tarzalicious up on the stage. He didn't want to have any part of it, especially when he saw Griffin talking to Zoey. I swear it was like dragging a fat lady away from the all-you-can-eat buffet. The green-eyed monster was definitely rearing its ugly head," Geoffrey matter-of-factly states.
Like he knows what he's talking about. Shit, I just met the guy. He doesn't have a clue. Neither does Patrick. And Ashlee—Ashlee is just wishfully thinking. There is no way Evan loves me. Well, he loves me like a brother loves a sister, but nothing more. There couldn't be anything more. Right?
Gah, my head hurts.
The three hens keep talking and leave me out of the conversation.
"Have either one of them had a lasting, real relationship?" Patrick asks.
"Well," Ashlee stares off into space and taps her finger to her chin.
"That would be a big, fat no. Well, except for Paige—she dated Evan through most of college. She wasn't his usual type, though," Ashlee finishes.
"What type was she?" Geoffrey questions.
"Evan typically goes for the tall, leggy, not-too-bright, blonde bimbo. Paige was the total opposite—long brown hair, on the shorter side, wore the cutest glasses, and was very smart," Ashlee informs the two other hens.
"Hmmmm, very interesting," Patrick and Geoffrey comment in unison.
"What's so interesting about it? So what, he dated someone who didn't fit the type. No biggie," I interject.
However, my statement goes unnoticed.
"Yes, very interesting. The two of them were pretty serious too. In fact he asked her to marry him Christmas one year and…" Ashlee trails off.
I can’t believe what I am hearing, Evan asked Paige to marry him. When did this happen? Could have been when he came to my apartment that Christmas Eve? But he told me they broke up…why didn’t he tell me the truth? I just don’t understand. How could he tell Ashlee and not me? What else is he not telling me?
"And?" the Bobsie Twins ask.
"And she said no," Ashlee responds.
"No?" Again Patrick and Geoffrey share a voice.
She said no. Why would she say no? No wonder he looked so devastated.
"Totally no."
"Why? Was she brain injured or blind or something? Cause let me tell you, if Tarzalicious were to ever ask me…" Patrick asks.
"You'd what?" Geoffrey interrupts.
"I'd flat out say no. I've got my hot hunk of man meat." Patrick bats his eyelashes.
"Thought so, but don't worry, Pookie. I don't think Tarzalicious would ever ask. That's just one i
dea you're gonna have to have as a fantasy." Geoffrey gives Patrick a little side hug.
"So, Ashlee, why? Obviously you know something I don't. Which is kinda weird, considering I am his best friend, and all he's ever told me is they didn't see the same thing for their future. So what is the real reason she said no?" I feel the anger flare up inside me. Finally I have her attention. I should have been the one he told not her.
After all these years, Ashlee has known what the was a real reason and has never told me. I was led to believe they broke up because they didn't want the same things. They saw their futures differently. I always knew there was more to it, but every time I pressed Evan for more information, he would just change the subject or tell me it was too painful to talk about, and he just wanted to put it behind him. I can't believe he told Ashlee and not me.
Ashlee comes and scoots close to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "Listen, Zoey, it wasn't my place to say anything. I promised Evan I would keep it to myself—I never break a promise. We agreed that you didn't need to know. That you knowing wouldn't do any good. So that's why neither one of us has ever told you the real reason. Evan and I were just looking out for you, thinking about you. But…"
"But, what?"
"But now I think it's time you know, because maybe then you'll see the truth." Ashlee smiles that smile that asks if she should continue.
I nod.
Patrick and Geoffrey take a seat on the floor, sitting with their knees against their chests and their arms firmly wrapped around their legs, their ears eager to hear more. They actually look like two little kids waiting to hear a bedtime story.
"I know Evan told you that he and Paige didn't see eye-to-eye on their future," she begins, and I nod—that's exactly what Evan told me.
"Well, that's partially true. They didn't see eye-to-eye on their future concerning you," she continues, and what she says leaves me dumbfounded. Their future concerning me? That doesn’t even make any sense. What part could I have played in their future other than the part I always played—I was Evan’s friend.
Patrick and Geoffrey look at each other, and apparently their proverbial light bulbs have gone off, because the two of them slowly give a nod, with huge ass smiles plastered on their faces. I wish someone would clue me in, because what would I have to do with Evan's and Paige's future?
"Ohhhh, Paige was his Emily, and Zoey is so Rachel. Although, Evan definitely isn't Ross…he could never be Ross. I mean, besides the fact that Ross got hit with the ugly stick, and our Tarzalicious is just…well de-li-cious. He, Evan that is, didn't push Zoey away. Ross totally chose Emily over Rachel, at least for a little while, until he saw how he was hurting Rachel. Evan didn't hurt Zoey, though," Geoffrey rambles.
"Oooooo, and she's his lobster too. Don't forget about that one," Patrick adds.
Those two make absolutely no sense. None. Emily? Lobster? What the hell are they even talking about?
"Ashlee, you wanna clue me in, give me more because unlike the Wonder Twins, I don't get how I was a part of their future. How do I fit into that equation, because I honestly don't see it?"
"Of course you don't. See what I've been dealing with?" Ashlee responds turning her attention to Geoffrey and Patrick.
"Oh, we see it, honey, and we are so sorry you were dealing this obviously unbelievable material. So completely clueless…" Geoffrey begins.
"And stubborn. Don't forget the stubborn part," Patrick throws in for good measure.
Ashlee turns her attention back to me. "Honey, Paige gave him an ultimatum. She basically said it was her or you, and Evan chose you."
"What?" I yell with complete and utter disbelief. "Why would she do that? Why would he do that?" I ask, more to myself than anyone else.
"Paige saw how close you and Evan were. How he always went to you. How protective he was and would do anything for you. Paige saw how much you meant to him. Deep down, I think she knew that you would always be the one, that he was too afraid to admit it. I think she always knew he was settling," Ashlee tells me as my heart sinks.
Ashlee is wrong.
"Ashlee, you're wrong. So wrong. Why didn't he tell me the truth?" I shake my head in disbelief.
"If he had, what would you have done?" Ashlee questions.
"Told him that him being with Paige was more important, that our friendship shouldn't be the deciding factor in his future. That Evan should be with Paige and not worry about me," I truthfully admit. I would do anything for him—anything.
"Exactly. Evan knows you better than anyone and knew that is what you would do. He didn't want to risk not having you in his life."
Evan loved Paige so much. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. As if she could hear my inner thoughts, she continues "He loved you more—loves you more. Evan loves you, Zoey. He always has, just as you have always loved him. The two of you are just too damn blind to see it and too damn stubborn to do anything about it."
"It's not possible. Evan could never…"
"Zoey pooh, it is possible. We've only known the two of you for what—a few hours, and we know that the two of you are totally in love. You just don't see it. If you were to ask anyone at this party who interacted with you or saw you two together, they would say it as well—that's a couple in love—deeply in love," Geoffrey affirms.
"Evan loves me?"
"Yes," three voices return.
"Evan's in love with me?"
"Yes!" the three of them yell at me.
Can it be true? After all this time, Evan has felt for me what I've felt for him? He can't…can he? I feel my eyes well up again and squeeze them tight, fighting back the tears. I've cried enough. I feel like I've lost enough. Even though none of what happened was real…it felt real. And I'll be damned if…If what?
Ashlee turns to me, her eyes full of so much concern it warms me. She takes my hands in hers and gives them a little squeeze. She has my full attention. "Honey, I know you're scared. I know it's hard for you to even fathom the idea that Evan feels an ounce for you what you feel for him. But, please trust me on this—I know what I'm talking about. Like I said, I've known it for…well…forever. You need to stop torturing yourself. You need to let him know exactly how you feel because if you don't, it's going to eat you up inside, and you are never going to be truly happy. I know the risk you see is losing him, but in my eyes, there is no risk. And even if there were, isn't it better knowing for sure that what you have with him is only friendship? That way, you can move on and find someone else. I know the what ifs that go on in that head of yours. Those what ifs will eventually kill you."
"Take that leap, Zoey," Geoffrey adds.
"Definitely. Jump heart first right into it. You have more to gain than you have to lose," Patrick gives his opinion.
I swallow, pushing down the lump in my throat. "I have him to lose if he doesn't feel the same. I…I…can't lose him. I just…can't." I don't think I could live a minute without Evan in my life. It wouldn't be much of a life, either. I don't think I would know how to be if he wasn't a part of my life—a part of me.
"I think it wouldn't really change anything if you tell him. I mean…sure, things may be a little awkward at first, but in the end, you won't lose him." Ashlee is very adamant and somewhat convincing.
If the three of them are right, then Evan and I…Together. A couple. Forever. My head won't totally let my heart believe what it wants to believe. It can't. I shake my head.
"Zoey, look. I didn't know Geoffrey always had a thing for me—I thought he had feelings of only friendship. Hard to believe, me being the fine specimen that I am, but it's true. I thought my love was unrequited. But one day, I just said, 'You know what? I'm gonna let that hunk of a man know exactly how I feel about him', and I did. And voila, here we are. I was scared to put myself out there like that, but I had to know. The torture of those what ifs were killing me. I took the risk and it did pay off, but even if it hadn't, I was better off knowing than not knowing." Patrick finishes, and Geoffrey give
s him a sweet, tender kiss.
The three of them allow me to take it all in. Never did I think Halloween would be like this. Never did I imagine I would be thinking what I'm thinking. Never did I imagine I would be brave enough to do what I am about to do. Never. I quickly get up and start pacing the room. Patrick, Geoffrey, and Ashlee just watch, still remaining quiet. If I'm going to do something, I need to do it now; otherwise I will lose my nerve and never do anything. I need to. They're right. The not knowing is slowing killing me—always has been. I wasn't happy with Liam, Stefan, or any of them. I won't be happy unless I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Evan is just my friend—will only be my friend. The small inkling that there could be more starts to grow, spreading into every molecule. And then once again, it just "clicks."
I turn to the three of them. Each one of them is practically jumping out of their skin with anticipation over what I am thinking and probably what am I going to do. What am I going to do? I continue to pace, and begin not only gnawing on my bottom lip, but my thumb nail as well. It terrifies me beyond anything to tell Evan, but the three of them are so right. I hate to admit it, but they are. And if what I imagined is what my future could be, don't I deserve to find out? Don't I deserve to see if there is something more? Don't I deserve to find happiness? Don't I deserve to find that elusive four-letter word, take hold of it, and have it forever? For so long, I didn't think I did, but now—now I do. I deserve all of it and more, and that notion swells inside me, consumes me. For the first time in a long time, I truly want to take charge and not let that four-letter word be an apparition. I want it to be real, tanglible. I want it with Evan. I always have. I always will. And if not, if he doesn't feel the same, at least I'll know right? I stop dead in my tracks.
"Well, what's the verdict, hotness?" Patrick breaks the silence.
I can't help the smile taking over my lips or the heat the creeps into my cheeks. I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing. "I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel. I'm going to tell Evan I love him." I brace myself for their reaction.