by Gabi Moore
I couldn’t be bothered to care.
The only thing that stuck out in my mind was the fact that Aden could have died, and that I didn’t want that to happen.
“Got lucky…” he choked out, still gasping for breath.
Not knowing what to do, I pulled the gauze and bandages out from the kit, did my best to bind them tightly around each of the places where blood was seeping out.
He would have to redo all of the bindings later, but at least there might be a later for him if I took a few minutes now, and did a job that was ‘good enough’. I just wanted him to be all right.
“You were vicious,” I said, remembering the bodies that littered the hallway into the back room.
He didn’t reply, but instead, simply patted the massive dead body beside the two of us. The implication was clear, and we both understood what the consequences were. I was now just as guilty as him, and just as valuable within the context of our relationship.
We were even.
You only need to save someone’s life once in order to feel like their peer. You realize in that moment, that there is no glory in saving a life. All you get is the realization that someone gets to continue to experience what so many of us take for granted every day. The implication that I am some kind of hero for simply valuing life is a joke at best. It is unfortunate that I didn’t have an opportunity to glimpse that before this moment.
Taking that man’s life was also a life-changing moment for me, though I still don’t understand exactly how.
I didn’t hesitate, because of the merciless way that he tore into me while I was helpless. Whatever compassion I had toward him had been bled out of my body during that abuse.
“Come on.” I stood up and offered Aden my hand.
I knew we had to find a place to go, and that to stay here would only invite trouble. I couldn’t be sure if the trouble would come from the police, or through Ryan catching on to the fact that his outpost was disabled. The feeds that were hooked up to the roof had to have been leading somewhere, because there was a whole surveillance setup in one of the rooms on site. Just because Sclari’s men were lazy, didn’t mean that he wouldn’t have redundancy systems in place.
“Ryan probably has the surveillance feed to this place,” I tell him.
He said nothing, and instead, the two of us only made our way through the hallway, over the bodies of the fallen. I could tell that he wanted to do nothing more than rest, but this wasn’t the place to do that. My brave knight had given of himself to the point where he was practically useless. It was my responsibility to get him where he needed to go now.
I got him out of the bunker, and I had him rest up against the outer wall. After some quick thinking, I decided that it would be best to steal one of the vehicles parked closest to the warehouse. I didn't want to have to drag Aden's body through the woods. I didn’t really have too many options, as I could only guide him, and offer encouragement. If it came down to actually carrying him or even dragging him through the snow, I don’t know what I’d do.
Sprinting, as fast as my legs would carry me, I ran out to the nearest car. A brief search of the vehicle proved to be enough. To find what I was looking for — the keys were behind the vanity mirror. I pushed down the back seat, and made an impromptu bed where Aden could rest. Then, when I was finished, I backed up the car, popped the trunk, and told him to get inside.
It was another SUV, so he wasn’t going to be cramped for space. If anything, he might actually roll around too much back there. All things considered, he was going to be better off in the back than he would have been in the passenger’s seat.
Besides, I didn’t want him around — not in my immediate view anyways.
I wanted to take care of him, but I needed to be by myself in order to think as well. The best I could manage was to partition him off into the back seat, and let him sleep while I drove us to another location.
I thought I remembered some rations in the back room with the man I had killed. Walking over the bodies Aden had claimed was easy enough. I could just write them off to the product of a destructive, highly trained, badass. Aden was a dangerous person; no qualms to be had about it. However, to think of myself as a dangerous person — that was something a bit more challenging.
“We need food, and Aden will probably need more of those first aid kits,” I reminded myself. I had to speak out loud just to work up the nerve to actually go through with it.
In every possible way, I didn’t want to go back there and see that body again. A moment of passion and a wave of self-righteousness was good enough for the time when I needed to pull the trigger. That moment had passed. Now, not even twenty minutes later, I dreaded coming face to face with the repercussions of my own actions; my decision to take a life.
Step by step, I forced myself inside, pushing toward the rear of the building. I moved past the place where I had slipped on the floor. I turned that final corner, and then stopped in my tracks. The body had moved from the last time I had seen him. He had dragged himself from the position by the wall, over to a bag located half way across the room. A phone was in his hands, unlocked, and with a call history that dated back fifteen minutes ago.
I looked at the beast of a man. I had unloaded an entire clip of bullets into his body. Still he had found the strength in himself to drag his body across the floor, and dial us in to Sclari.
There was no question about it now — he knew.
They would all know.
I grabbed the nearest weapon, and shot the fucker squarely in the head. There was a dull wet sound as his head collapsed in on itself.
I may have gone overboard. I wasn’t thrilled about the fact that imprecise shooting had enabled our Ryan to know where we were. I was less thrilled that he knew what condition we were in after taking his bunker.
I looked around, and realized that at least the police would not be on their way. Ryan was too far into black market material here for that to be a real viable option. I thought about the dead bodies, throughout the building, and the bodies that Aden had taken out before even entering the building. Then I remembered why he had been able to get into the building in the first place.
“There’s no question about it, Ryan knows about us, and he’s got people on his way here right now.”
There was nobody there who needed to hear my voice, but myself. That was useful enough, as it gave me the direction I needed to move forward. I grabbed a bag, and stuffed with what supplies I could manage. I threw the bag over my shoulder, and walked back over the bodies of men who had taken pleasure from my body, less than a week before.
Now that I look back at the situation, I recognize that the men in the hall — the ones who only raped me once, probably felt some sense of guilt, or shame. Maybe they were even grossed out by their behavior, and couldn’t bother to face me again. The last thought was a bit of a hopeful concept, I admit. I thought it would be easier to walk over the dead bodies of your abusers. I also thought it would be more difficult to kill someone who was the most egregious violator. I was wrong on all accounts, and was learning more about myself every day.
While it was all happening, I wanted them dead. After the fact; after their lives had been finished, I didn’t feel the sense of satisfaction I thought I would feel. I only felt sadness, knowing that there was no chance for redemption for them. They had made a choice to hurt someone, and they needed to live with that choice for the rest of their short lives. Then, before they had any real chance to make up for their actions — that life had been taken from each of them.
As for the man I had killed, I wasn’t as bothered about it as I thought I’d be. Sure, seeing the body was gross, and I was afraid that after the moment of revenge passion had passed, I would have second-guessed myself. All in all, I feel as though it was the rational thing to do. He would have killed Aden, and then he probably would have raped and killed me afterward, had I not taken matters into my own hands.
When I got out of the building, I shut Ade
n in the back of the SUV, and the two of us headed off from the property. I thought about stopping by to get the laptop that had been left in the other car Aden had stolen, but he shook his head.
“Too long…” he said. “Just drive.”
His voice was weak, but the directions were clear enough. I think we both knew where we needed to go next. I just had no idea what we were going to do once we got there.
Chapter 18 - Lorin
The highways in the backwoods part of Maine are efficiently built. The backroad which we pulled out on just before the assault on the bunker wasn’t too far away from the main vein for that region.
Flying past the junction point, I was able to see the police cars just beginning to swarm around the car we had abandoned.
“Shit,” I cursed.
I heard movement in the back of the SUV. I had to be more careful about the consequences of my actions. No reason to bring alarm to the situation if there was no actual use for it.
“What is it?” he groaned, his voice not all together present.
I could tell he was in a lot of pain, and I immediately felt like a terrible person for waking him up so soon after we had left the bunker.
“The cops are onto the last car we were using. I get the feeling like that will lead them to the bodies pretty quickly.
“We’ll be all right for a little while. Just don’t stop. Keep moving. Once we get onto the main highways, New York City is just a night’s drive away. I think we’ll make it by morning, but you have to keep moving.”
He didn’t have to tell me what the risks were. If the police were onto the last car, then they would be on our trail by the end of the night. We had at best a couple of hour’s lead, anything beyond that was little more than wishful thinking.
“Is there anything you need?” I asked, thinking that now would be the best time to get supplies if we were missing anything critical to his healing.
He laughed.
“You don’t get banged up this bad and bounce back like it isn’t a big deal. I have to say thanks. You did a great job bandaging me up, and you saved my life — but right now, I need rest more than anything else.”
No reason for me to do anything but listen to his request, and keep on in my own dogged pursuit of our goal. I hadn’t wanted to give my mind to the obvious conclusion thus far, but it was clear to me at that moment that we needed to take down Ryan. The only problem was that I was unequipped to do so by myself. The muscle of my operation was out of commission, and the police would be closing in on me sooner than I’d like.
What is all this for?
At least I had the tact not to as that question out loud. The last thing I needed to lay on Aden was a question as to whether or not his sacrifices had been necessary. The unfortunate reality of the situation of any situation of conflict is that it is often likely that questions of validity are going to come up.
People in the army inevitably have to question whether or not their country is sending them into a just war. Police inevitably have to question whether or not they are working on behalf of the people they are supposed to serve. Every public servant is called to make value judgements to reach their goals. Everyone has to face questions of legitimacy, and now was our time.
I hazarded a look back to see that Aden had passed out already once again.
Well, my time at least, I thought.
My eyes held onto the road and my hands onto the wheel. We had a full tank of gas. Just over four hundred miles stretched between our current position at the boarder of Maine, and the heart of downtown Manhattan. I held on tight, and pushed myself forward through the grind — putting mile after mile between us, and our most recent disaster.
Time passed, and I found myself looking for a bite to eat.
MRE rations aren’t as bad as people make them out to be. The ones I was chewing on at the moment were mostly starch and whey protein isolates. There were little patches that were raisins or fruit, but they didn’t have the texture necessary to pull off the deception.
Not too bad in terms of flavor, though.
The other interesting aspect of the MREs that I picked up from the bunker was that they dated from World War II. They were British, and included a multivitamin. When looking on the label of ingredients, I discovered that an active ingredient in the multivitamin was benzedrine sulfate.
I wouldn’t have known what that meant, except there was an instructional warning on the side of the packaging.
These tablets will relieve fatigue and allow you to stay awake. Do not take unless extremely fatigued, or very sleepy. Take only in emergencies, and when authorized by an officer. Follow carefully instructions on opposite side. - Smith, Kline & French Laboratories.
Needless to say, I managed to put two and two together. The fact that a World War II multivitamin included pharmaceutical grade speed shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. I ignored the directions and got to work crushing the pill up on the nearest hard surface I could find.
The pill was brittle, and disintegrated without any serious effort on my part.
Here goes nothing, I thought while I snorted the whole thing at once.
“Drive through the night,” I muttered while clearing my nose. “No problem.”
The chemical burn in the back of my throat, and the pain in my nostrils was immediate. The effects of the drug followed shortly afterward. Soon enough, I was flying down the highway once more at eighty miles an hour. I traveled fast enough to where I could tolerate the pace. I remained slow enough to remain below the radar of any interested police scanners I may have crossed along the way.
Benny and the Jets were on my lips, if not the radio. Time had ceased to be a point of relevance.
Increased sensitivity and sensory arousal became my new mode of operation. The evening was young when I blasted off. The moon was high, and the sky was clear. When I looked around, I saw a world of fierce dominance and hope.
I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense now, but let me explain:
For the first time in my life, I felt like I was in a form of active experimentation. My whole world had been built based on entitlement and active scheming. Prior to this moment, I was the white queen on the chessboard. My pleasure and prerogative was to always move first.
Now, as I drove down the highways of the North Eastern Corridor, I felt like I had been pushed to the razor’s edge. The sensation of being on ‘edge’ certainly had to do with my amphetamine head rush. However, it would be ignorant of me to believe that there were not other factors.
The fact that I had nearly escaped death was certainly a factor. It’s not every day that you are given the ability to know whether or not you will meet your end. To have met the end, and moved beyond that seems like it would be a unique opportunity for anyone.
I didn’t appreciate it before. Even when I first regained consciousness at Aden’s cabin, I moved immediately into more manipulation; more schemes.
Another factor of transformation came in the recognition that I was able to take a human life. The knowledge that comes with striking out and killing someone cannot be taken back. Once committed, the action of taking a life changes every social interaction in a fundamental way.
Whenever I look into the eyes of another man or woman, I now understand my limits. I know exactly what I am capable of, and what the psychological consequences will be for the kill.
In that sense, Aden was right.
I can’t imagine what it must be like to live as he does, day after day. With the number of lives he has taken over the years, that very thought is justification enough for wanting to isolate yourself.
As I sped through the forests and dark, serpentine interstates, I actually felt remorse for what I had done. Not killing a man, but for treating Aden as poorly as I did. He didn’t deserve my contempt.
The edge of dominance also had to do with evading the police. Every now and then, I had to focus on slowing down just enough so I would pass safely through a speed trap.
My perceptions were too clean to be taken by such clumsy attempts at entrapment. I felt like a super-hero. I knew all of the dangers in advance, seconds before they became problematic issues.
My foresight was shot; that was the only disappointing aspect of the entire experience.
I literally couldn’t hold any thought long enough to carry it into the future. Planning was completely out of the picture. The fact that I had no ability to work out how things would go down once I reached the mansion in Manhattan was probably a blessing in disguise.
Worrying about things you don’t have control over is a terrible way to waste time and emotional energy. The magic of speed, as far as I could tell, was that life appeared to be streamlined.
All I needed to focus on was an infinite series of moments that were laid out for me in time. My reality was nothing more than driving an SUV down the highway. The fact that the hours seemed to fly by, or that my knuckles grew tense while holding onto the steering wheel didn’t seem relevant. The tension in my jaw became a new status quo.
Eventually, thoughts stopped all together.
The only thing left at that point was my breath, and the road in front of my eyes. The night passed in this way, on the edge of the knife blade. By the time I came out of my trance, we had already crossed the New York State line.
My body, naturally, came back to remind my consciousness that I was not a machine. It occurred to me that I had not actually moved in the last seven hours. In addition to being stiff, I was also severely dehydrated. I made a split decision, and pulled off the road at the next available opportunity.
The drastic turn off of the highway woke Aden up from his slumber. The fact that he had managed to sleep through the night was a point of pleasure for me.
I didn’t feel so bad having woken him up.
Chapter 19 - Lorin