“Honey, quick, I have news,” Sam said.
“Hold on, Sam. I have to wait for someone,” I replied.
He tutted.
“What’s so important? Tell me now?” I asked.
“You are never going to believe this, not in a million years. Come on, guess?”
“You’re pregnant? Scott is really a girl? Err, let me think.”
Dan appeared and we headed for the door. He walked a couple of paces behind us or maybe he couldn’t keep up. Sam practically dragged me along the road. Finding a table, he pulled his chair close to mine.
“My mum is on a plane,” he said.
“Where to?” I asked.
He leant back studying me. “Here of course. She’s coming here. Fuck knows why.”
Sam’s parents, although they were fine with him being gay, hadn’t accepted his recent blessing to Scott, which, in my opinion, was contradictory. If they accepted that he was gay, why not accept his partner? Still, it would be nice to see her. I had spent an hour before I first came out to Washington with Sam’s mum and she had given me some cards and mail for him.
“Elsie is coming here? How did this happen?” I asked.
“I got a call this morning that she was on her way to the airport. Brooke, something must have happened, she wouldn’t come all this way on her own.”
“Oh, did you call home, speak to your dad?”
“I will, a bit later. She must have taken a flight in the middle of the night. She lands later this afternoon, I’ll go and pick her up.”
We ordered our lunch and chatted. Sam was worried and I tried to reassure him. It did seem very odd though. Elsie was in her late seventies, it was a long way to travel and especially for someone who had only left the UK once or twice. I silently agreed with Sam, something was wrong and I hoped to God that something wasn’t to do with his dad.
“I called Scott, he’s going to finish work early. I thought it best that he stayed at the flat, let me pick her up on my own,” he said.
“If there’s any trouble she can stay with me, Robert won’t mind,” I hoped.
I had a horrible feeling this meeting wasn’t a ‘getting to know Scott’ holiday. I kept my fears to myself, Sam was stressed enough. We finished our lunch and I signalled to Dan, sitting at a table in the corner, that I was ready to leave. As we neared the main doors to the office I noticed Travis pacing the street, phone to his ear.
“What’s up with Pit Bull?” Sam asked, using the pet name he had given Travis, not to his face of course.
“Nothing, a bit stressed I think, that’s all.”
We parted in reception with promises that he would call me later when he knew why his mum was coming for a visit.
***
The day flew by with thoughts of Sam disrupting me from my work, and I was thankful when I saw people start to pack up, ready to leave. I had an appointment in the gym with Joseph, Ted and the kids so I made my way down to the basement. I was the only one in the changing room, no doubt Robert and Travis would join me later. However, entering the gym I had a sense of déjà vu. Gerry was standing apart from the group, sucking on the corner of a small blanket like a child half his age. I made my way over and crouched down. He looked up at me with his sorrowful eyes. I was pleased that Ted had managed to get him out of the house though, it was the first time since New York.
“Hey, Gerry, how are you doing?” I asked.
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Do you want to come and join me, practice a bit of boxing?”
Again, just a shrug of the shoulders. I took his hand and led him to the soft mats for a warm up. He skipped a bit, getting tangled in the rope after every couple of rotations before throwing it to the floor. I watched Robert and Travis enter the room and make their way over to the rest of the kids. No smile for them from Travis though. He was still on autopilot, going through the motions. He wasn’t unpleasant to them, but not his normal, laughing and teasing self.
“Hey buddy, want to come and punch something?” Robert said, as he made his way over to me and Gerry.
Gerry nodded and Robert took him by the hand. I looked at those joined hands. Robert’s was so large and Gerry’s so small and vulnerable. Gerry was so full of trust for Robert, and an idea started to germinate in my mind.
I wasn’t in the mood for my session so Joseph worked with some of the older kids while I took a run. Facing the mirror I watched Robert with Gerry. Gerry was standing in front of the punch bag, Robert crouching beside him coaching him on what to do. He had little gloves on to protect his hands against the harsh material and he threw a feeble punch. I watched as Robert bent his head to speak to him and then walked a pace or two towards Ted, leaving Gerry for a moment.
Then Gerry lost it. A high-pitched scream startled me and I stumbled, jumping off the treadmill. I was momentarily stunned as I watched Gerry punch and slap and kick the bag, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs. Robert and I ran to him at the same time. Robert got there first and wrapped his arms around Gerry, pulling him back and into his chest. Still Gerry fought but Robert held him, whispering to him, calming him until Gerry slumped in his arms, crying. A lump formed in my throat and tears welled in my eyes. I watched them and it was as if I was seeing Robert, his present and past combined. I was seeing the same lost and fearful look in Gerry’s face that I imagined Robert would have had when he was young.
Ted ushered the kids to the other side of the gym and Robert and I locked eyes. There was desperation in them, perhaps it was a memory, an unwanted memory. He picked Gerry up and walked out of the gym, I followed as far as the door before Robert turned.
“Can I do this?” he whispered to me. I nodded.
I sat on a bench watching normality return and thought about the question Robert had asked. Can I do this? Was he asking just to be able to deal with Gerry for that moment on his own? Or did he want confirmation that he was capable of dealing with a child in distress? The answer to both, in my mind, was yes. My eye caught a movement and I looked up spotting Travis. He had stood watching Robert and was now making his way out of the gym. As he passed me he stopped.
“How can he do it and I can’t?” he said before continuing through the door.
It took me a moment to understand what he meant. Who? Do what? And then it dawned on me. He had seen Robert comfort Gerry, pick him up and take him out but it still didn’t answer my question. I followed him.
“Travis, wait, please?” I called.
I saw Robert sitting by the drink machine with Gerry on his lap but made my way to the changing room after Travis. Pushing through the door I watched him sit on the bench in the middle of the room, his shoulders slumped forward and his head was in his hands. I took a seat beside him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked gently.
He took a deep breath.
“Rob should be the one who can’t deal with this, not me. I see him with you, Brooke, and I want that, but I just can’t find it in myself to do it. You two, well, your relationship, it’s more than love isn’t it? I won’t ever have that. He’s moving on and I’m stuck. When I heard Gerry I froze, but Robert acted instinctively. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or any of that shit, but why can’t I feel the way he does for someone? Why can’t I want this baby?”
I was lost for words, I didn’t know how to respond but this baby thing with Travis went much deeper than Caroline springing a pregnancy on him. I had thought it was because of his previous lifestyle, I had no idea he felt that way. Had Robert and I done wrong? Had we flaunted our love in front of him? What should I say?
“Trav, Robert has had to acknowledge his past, recognise his emotions and let them happen, let his feelings come back. He could have only done that once he met me. If I wasn’t here, nothing would have changed and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you feel he’s moving on and you’re not, but he’s not leaving you behind. He needs you, Travis, as much as he needs me. He can’t function without you.”
&n
bsp; “That’s the thing though, Brooke, he always has. He was the one that organised our lives, he was the one that got us jobs, made me save money. If I hadn’t have met him, I doubt I’d be around now, I wouldn’t have survived.”
“You can’t know what would have happened. Do you want to spend your life thinking ‘what if’? You are where you are and you have choices. Do you love Caroline?”
“The honest answer is, I don’t know.”
“What happens if you’re not with her, do you miss her? Do you look forward to her call?”
“I guess so.”
“Then you feel something for her. Maybe, like Robert, you just don’t understand what that is.”
“Brooke, I’ve been in love before, I know what that feels like. I also know that woman didn’t love me. She came onto Rob, not that he knows I know that. He took care of it, made sure I found out something to give me reason to split with her. I’m grateful to him for opening my eyes before I got too involved.”
He ran his hands through his hair, reminding me of how close he and Robert were. Their stress reactions were identical.
“You see, Rob has always had it wrong. He’s always believed he doesn’t feel and that was bullshit. He cared for me, he made sure we were looked after, that we worked and got paid. He made sure I was included every step of the way. He couldn’t have done that if he didn’t feel. Rob could have left me behind a long time ago and he didn’t.”
“Then why do you think he would do that now?”
Travis shrugged his shoulders, it reminded me of Gerry. Two lost boys with no idea of how to move on.
“Travis, you’re like family to me, what can I do to help?” I asked.
He put his arm around my shoulders.
“I don’t know. I want you,” he whispered.
I stilled, my back straightened and my heart hammered in my chest. He must have felt my body stiffen as he pulled his arm quickly away.
“I don’t mean I want you, like, you personally. I want a you, someone like you. Oh God, Brooke, this really isn’t coming out right. I want someone who loves me unconditionally, faults and all. I want to feel the way Robert does, because of you. I’m in love with the idea of what you and Rob have, that connection, that understanding. I know what you have is rare, weird and unique, and I have to find a way to settle for less.”
Fuck was my first thought and then an overwhelming sadness engulfed me. I had no idea my relationship with Robert would affect someone so much. Can anyone ever settle for less? What a terrible situation to be in. I had no answer for that, no way of making this right, of saying the right thing. And poor Caroline. Would she settle for less? Because if she and Travis had a relationship that’s what she would get. She must know Travis couldn’t give himself heart and soul to her if he was settling for less.
We sat in silence for a few moments and then watched the door open. Robert came into the room and sat the other side of Travis. He nodded to me and I headed off to get changed not before watching Robert put his arm around Travis’ shoulders.
“So, you want my wife?” I heard him say with a chuckle.
“No, did you hear?”
“Obviously. Well, bro, you can’t have her and don’t for one minute think I’m leaving you behind. You go where I go, no question.”
“Nothing I said came out right,” Travis replied.
“I know. Believe me, I know. You should have heard some of the things I’ve said to Brooke. Come on, let’s get out of here.”
I felt bad listening in on their conversation but I was only behind a glass door, it was hard not to. I waited until they changed then we all made our way to the car in a sad silence. The journey home was awful. Neither Robert nor I knew what to say, how to help Travis. We left him to park the car and headed indoors.
“Hi, you guys okay?” Evelyn said as we slumped on the stools at the breakfast bar.
Robert told her what had happened with Gerry and the conversation we’d had with Travis. She sat with us and I took her hand in mine as I saw tears brimming in her eyes.
“What do we do?” she asked.
“For the first time in my life, Ev, I just don’t know,” Robert replied.
I realised that I hadn’t heard from Sam so sent him a text. His silence was a worry. He replied that he would call me tomorrow. Call? Why not see me at work? I decided to wait. Sam would tell me when he could.
We had talked with Evelyn for a couple of hours before she headed back to her apartment. She had texted Travis to ask if he wanted company, he replied that he was fine but wanted some alone time.
I was in bed and Robert was still in the shower. I watched him walk naked from the bathroom and climb in bed beside me when he had finished. I snuggled into him, my head resting on his chest as he kissed the top of my head.
“What do we do to fix this?” I said.
“There’s nothing we can do, we just have to be around to support him. We can’t make him love Caroline, we can’t make him want this baby. He has to tell her how he feels before it’s too late.”
“What do you mean, before it’s too late?” I asked.
“She needs to know she might end up a single parent. She might, you know, not want to carry on with the pregnancy.”
“Oh God. How terrible for her to have to even think about that.”
“I’m not saying that’s what she should do, I don’t know. She’s brought up Harley okay on her own but if her mom is getting on a bit and Travis is not around, she’s got to do this alone. As much as this sounds cruel, neither Caroline nor the baby are my priority. Travis is and I don’t know what to do,” he replied.
Robert sounded so sad, he normally was the one who had all the answers. He always had a plan and for him to be at a loss was something he wasn’t used to.
“Wanna make out?” he asked.
“No.”
He chuckled. “Neither do I.”
I listened to his heart beat in time with mine and I listened to his breathing, it matched mine too. Before I drifted off to sleep, I thought about what Travis had said, how unique, how weird our relationship was, and I had to agree. The connection we had, it was more than husband and wife, it was more than lovers or family and I felt sad that it was unique. This wonderful relationship that I had should be available to everyone. I didn’t feel lucky at that moment, I didn’t feel blessed, I felt, well, I wasn’t quite sure. I couldn’t put my finger on it other than my bubble had been burst.
***
Travis was the same the following morning. We travelled to work together and other than answering our questions, he offered nothing by way of a conversation. Robert asked him constantly if he was okay and all he received was, “I’m fine.” Travis always had something to say, he didn’t like silence so his behaviour was throwing us. We got out of the car and Travis walked ahead, keeping a distance between us. Robert and I looked at each other.
“I’m going to get the guys together, they need to know what’s going on,” he whispered.
“Okay, do you need me to do anything?” I asked.
“I’ll let you know. I need a way to get him out of the office. Let me think about it.”
I headed for my office leaving Robert to catch up with Travis. A small group of people had formed, waiting for the lift. Robert spoke quietly to them, they stepped to one side and let him and Travis travel alone.
I checked my phone, no message from Sam. I rang upstairs to be told he wasn’t coming into work, so headed to the kitchen for privacy before calling his mobile. It rang until the voicemail picked up. I left a message and scrolled through my contacts. I didn’t have his home telephone number but called Scott. Again, this went to voicemail. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to make a trip over to his apartment in case they were still in the ‘meeting Scott’ process. I started my day worried about both Travis and Sam.
I simply wasn’t with it. Twice Richard called me from his office before Bailey kicked me under the desk to alert me. We had started to rece
ive some response from retailers, it seemed the development was of interest and I sat with him and Pete as they filled me in on what the next steps were. My assignment received, I headed back to my desk. Lunchtime came and went, I skipped eating, opting to work straight through. I wanted to take my mind off my worries and bury myself in work.
Late afternoon I received a call.
“Hey, Brooke, it’s me,” Sam said.
“Hi, what’s happening? I tried to call earlier.”
“It’s my dad, Brooke, he...” Sam broke down, sobbing into the phone.
“Sam, I’m coming round, okay. I’ll be there soon.”
I collected my bag and headed for Richard’s office.
“Richard, I’m sorry to do this but I have to leave. Something has happened with Sam, I need to go and see him.”
“Oh, that’s fine, Brooke. You go.”
I wanted to speak to Robert, I needed a car to get me to Sam’s and I made my way to the lifts as quick as I could. As the lift doors opened on Robert’s floor, Gina was standing at them waiting to get in.
“Hi, how are you?” she asked.
“I’m fine, I need to see Robert urgently. Is he in?”
“Brooke, are you okay? He’s not here. He had a meeting rescheduled, he should be back within the hour though.”
“Gina, I have to get to Sam, something has happened.”
She would have seen the panic in my face and turned on her heels heading for Mack’s office. I hopped impatiently from foot to foot while fumbling around for my phone. I would text Robert to let him know. She emerged with Dan and handed him a set of keys from her drawer.
“Shit.” I said. “Gina, I don’t know Sam’s address. I mean, I know where it is but I don’t know if I can direct Dan there,” I said.
“It’s okay, I have it.” She handed over a piece of paper with the address written down and Dan and I headed to the car park.
The lift took forever, stopping at every floor and I huffed each time it did, receiving odd looks from people getting in and out. When we finally reached the ground floor I ran to the car park leaving Dan to follow me. A Security Guard rose from behind his desk as I pushed through the door.
Fallen Angel, Part III Page 3