I turn on the mower and put on my headphones so I can zone out like I did yesterday when the girls were over and Ashtyn’s teammates came by. My mom used to tell me that music always helped her escape to another place. She used to make me listen to Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong, especially when she was in the hospital going through chemo. At first I hated it, but then those singers became a symbol of her.
Moving on is fucking tough.
An hour later I’m sweating my ass off. Little pieces of grass stick to my back, arms, and legs. I look back at my progress, proud that I’ve made a sizable dent. The shed, the place where Ashtyn and I first met, has seen better days. I spotted some old paint in there and figure it’s long overdue for a new paint job.
As I soap my body in the shower, thoughts of Ashtyn invade my mind, and my body starts reacting. I reach down and fantasize for the moment, glad nobody can read my mind. Afterward, I rinse off and am about to just chill in my bedroom, but Falkor bolts to the front door panting like crazy. The poor guy wants to go out. I put the leash on him and jog toward the football field. The place is like a magnet to me.
It doesn’t take long to get to the school. The football team is having practice. I watch some players do drills. Immediately I’m thinking like one of them again. I haven’t been on a team in almost two years, but those plays and drills are still so familiar I could run them with my eyes closed.
Ashtyn is doing sprints. She doesn’t notice me, but when she does I fully expect her to ream me out for taking her dog without permission.
I watch as she grabs a few footballs and jogs to the opposite end of the field. She moves with grace as she sets up a ball and positions herself. A couple of guys on the sidelines watch her and nod, impressed. I can tell she’s so focused she isn’t aware of anything but the ball and the white goalposts. She kicks the first ball through the posts with ease.
As she gets into position for another kick, she spots me in the stands. She misses her next two attempts, but keeps trying. She makes six out of ten. Not bad, but nothing to write home about.
I size up the team, something I used to do to my rivals. It’s easy to spot the head coach—he’s sporting a black-and-gold golf shirt and Rebels cap as he calls out plays. The guy has been ripping into the offensive linemen since I’ve been here, although I’m impressed with their execution. Without solid linemen, the quarterback is vulnerable and the team is weak.
I turn my attention to the current QB, a lanky guy wearing the number three on his jersey. Number three doesn’t look confident even though he’s got good form. He makes a few plays, but can’t connect with his receivers when the defensive line rushes him.
Number three buckles under pressure. The problem is that he knows it. He’s stuck in his head. He’s got to stop thinking when he’s in the game and let instinct take over.
After he repeats the same mistake three plays in a row, the coach grabs the QB’s face mask and gives him hell. I’m too far away to hear his exact words, but I know he’s getting an earful.
“Yo, Derek!” Ashtyn calls out. She throws a perfect spiral into the stands toward me, but I duck and let it fly past. It bounces onto the benches behind me and Falkor sniffs it. I haven’t touched a football since the day my mom died. While instinct tells me to catch it, I’m conflicted.
“Yeah?”
“Who said you could take my dog for a walk?”
“He begged me to take him out. He obviously thinks I’m the alpha. You know dogs have a hierarchy.” I shrug. “I’m just sayin’.”
“Toss the ball back, will ya?”
I look at the football, lying there waiting to be put back on the field. I never thought I’d pick one up again. It’s not like I’m committing to play again. It’s just a football.
I slowly pick up the ball and toss it underhand to her, the familiar feeling of the smooth leather rolling off my fingers a reminder of the past. Most girls I know would be afraid they’d break a nail when a football comes flying at them, but Ashtyn reaches out and catches it without hesitation.
“You’re not the alpha. I am.” She tucks the ball under her arm and starts walking back to the field. “I’m just sayin’.”
Chapter 14
Ashtyn
I told Derek I was the alpha, but right now I don’t feel like one. I was totally off my game today. Seeing him sitting in the bleachers watching me practice only made it worse because I was self-conscious and too self-aware.
Fremont’s bitch.
It’s been two days and those words are still swirling in my head. This morning Dieter called me into his office to tell me he’d heard the rumor about the pictures. He told me to forget about any rivalry and just concentrate on winning.
Landon didn’t show up to practice. He hasn’t answered my calls or texts, either. Last year he never missed a practice or game. I called him before I left the house this morning, but his phone was off. I assume he received the e-mail showcasing the dreaded pictures of my yard. Why didn’t he stop by my house like the other guys, or at least call or text me to see how I was dealing with it?
Brandon Butter, a sophomore and our backup QB, had a hard time filling Landon’s shoes. When he got rushed, his passes were all over the place. I didn’t want him to be discouraged, though, so I gave him a pat on the back after practice and told him he showed a great effort. I don’t think he believed me, but it did make him smile and hopefully boosted his confidence. Even a little bit will help.
Even though early summer practices are optional, I know Dieter is disappointed his star QB hasn’t been on the field. Truth is, we don’t have a competitive backup QB and we’re screwed if Landon gets hurt. He’s such a solid player, nobody’s been too worried about that. Until now.
After I wash up in the girls’ locker room, I call Landon again. Still no answer. I text him for the fourth time today, but he doesn’t text back. My heart sinks a little and I get a ping of anxiety. Is he not answering on purpose? Did he call back his old girlfriend Lily instead of me? Ugh, I’m never insecure about our relationship. I refuse to start being insecure now.
In the parking lot, Derek is leaning against my car with his feet crossed at the ankles.
Falkor barks a greeting and drools the second he sees me. “Can I have my dog back?” I ask, annoyed my dog seems to think he has a new owner. I grab the leash from Derek and kneel down to pet Falkor behind his left ear, his favorite spot. “If you want a ride home, my dog’s riding shotgun.” I open the door and let Falkor in the front seat.
“I don’t think so.” Derek leans into the car. “Falkor, get in the back.”
My usually stubborn dog obediently jumps into the backseat as if Derek is a dog whisperer.
I turn on the radio as I drive home.
“You might be used to bossin’ people around, but it ain’t workin’ for me,” Derek says.
“I can’t hear you,” I lie, then cup a hand over my ear.
He turns the radio off. “Why the attitude? Don’t act as if I asked to be here, ’cause I didn’t.” I wonder if he can turn that accent on and off at will. “Hell, if I didn’t get expelled and Brandi wasn’t knocked up, I’d have found a way to stay in Cali.”
Wait a minute. Did I hear him right?
“My sister’s p-pregnant?” I ask. “Pregnant, as in having a baby pregnant?”
“That’s what bein’ knocked up usually means.”
I look at him sideways, then keep driving. When I pull into my driveway, I turn to him. “Be honest for once. You’re joking about my sister having a baby, right?”
He sighs and rolls his eyes as he opens his door. Falkor jumps out after him.
I stare at the dashboard. My sister, pregnant again? She hasn’t said anything, but I never heard from her once in the last seven years. Since she’s been home, I’ve tried avoiding her like I’ve avoided Derek.
Brandi is just like Mom. It took me a long time to come to the realization that my mom was never coming back. Brandi’s back, but it’s no u
se getting close to her when I know she’s leaving again.
It really irks me that Derek knows more about my sister than I do. And that my nephew prefers Derek over me. And that Falkor follows Derek around like he’s the alpha.
I glance toward the garage and am shocked to see Landon sitting in his convertible with his sunglasses on. When did he drive up, and how long has he been there?
“Where were you today?” I walk toward him as he steps out of his car. I don’t even know what to say after our fight on Friday night. I don’t mention our relationship problems or Lily. “You ditched practice.”
“My parents made me go to some family brunch thing,” he says. “I couldn’t get out of it.”
“Oh.” In the past, Landon’s dad would never make him go to a family brunch instead of practice. Landon doesn’t seem to want to elaborate. “Did you see the pictures of my house online? And the ones of Bonk?”
He nods slowly. “Yeah, I saw ’em.”
“Did you post the ones of Bonk? Nobody else fessed up.”
He nods. “Yeah, but keep it on the down low.”
“How’d you get them to pose like that? I mean, I can’t imagine Bonk posing willingly.”
“I got my ways. So how was practice?”
“Butter is doing drills,” I inform him. “But the guys are getting frustrated that his throws aren’t accurate and his handoffs are sloppy. You know the team needs you.”
There’s a long, uncomfortable silence. I feel a pang of sadness as he reaches out and fingers the bracelet with a heart and football charm he got me for my birthday last year.
“Sorry about Friday night,” he says. “My old man was on my case about being a leader of the team my senior year and wearing the coveted C like he did when he played.”
I get it. Carter McKnight was a legend in Chicago when he played. He’s got super high expectations. Landon always wants to meet or exceed them. Up until I was voted captain, he had.
Coach Dieter made me realize I don’t want to give up being captain. I want to lead and motivate my team. I like knowing my place on the team means more than just being on that roster.
“I never wanted to take anything away from you, Landon.”
He avoids looking at my eyes. “Sure. Right. I know that, Ash.”
There’s an awkward silence again. I don’t know what to say to fix this . . . fix us. I can’t change what happened or turn back time any more than he can.
He touches my charm bracelet again. “Did I mess everything up between us?”
“No.” I don’t want another person in my life to leave me. At least if I have Landon, I’m not alone. “But . . . you made me feel awful Friday night. The whole Lily thing kind of freaked me out, and you haven’t called or texted in days. I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“Just forget about all that.”
He bends his head down to kiss me. For the moment, everything seems to be fixed. I want to believe him, but it’s hard. Since my mom left, I haven’t fully trusted anyone. Even Landon.
We talk about practice. I ask if he’s started packing for our Texas trip at the end of the month. We’ve both been accepted to Elite, a football training camp that’s practically impossible to get into. Only top high school players in the country are admitted. The plan is to drive there and stay in posh hotels for free by redeeming the frequent traveler points Landon’s dad has racked up and said we could use.
“So what’s the deal with that Derek dude?” Landon asks. He looks over my shoulder. Derek is mowing the lawn while listening to music with his earbuds. I have no clue why he wants to fix our place up. It’s not like my dad cares if the backyard looks nice. Dad mows the front of the house every couple of weeks, so everyone who passes can think that we’re doing just fine. The backyard represents us better.
“I have no idea. All I know is that we’ve agreed to stay out of each other’s way and I’m pretending he doesn’t exist.” It’s not exactly true. I’m trying to pretend he doesn’t exist, but he’s not letting me do a good job of it.
Landon gestures to my house. “Your old man home?”
“I don’t know. Probably not, since his car is gone.” He prefers to go to work, where he can drown himself in projects at the accounting firm he works at.
Landon pulls me close and whispers into my ear, “How about you and me go up to your room right now? I could use a back rub.”
Now? I look back at Derek. “Maybe this isn’t a good time.”
“Come on, Ash.” He takes my hand and leads me into the house. “You always say we don’t get enough private time. Let’s make use of it while we’ve got it.”
In my room, Landon takes his shirt off and sprawls out on my bed. I sit beside him and start massaging his back, kneading his taut muscles.
“That feels so damn good.” He moans as I rub his shoulders. “You totally relax me, Ash.”
“Why don’t you relax me by rubbing my foot, which is sore from kicking the ball so many times today?”
“Feet gross me out,” he says. “The only feet I touch are my own.” He turns to face me and slowly slips his hands under my shirt. He unhooks my bra, then rubs his thumbs over my nipples. “I can massage other parts of you, though.”
I still his hand, because fooling around with him right now is not going to relax me. “Landon, I need to talk about my crazy life.”
His hands are still on my breasts when he puts his lips on my neck. He kisses my pulse, then licks it over and over. It reminds me of Falkor when he slobbers on my face. “So talk. I’m listening.”
When he starts sucking on my neck about to give me a hickey, I push him off me. “You’re not listening. You’re trying to distract me.”
“You’re right. Can I listen to you later? Now all I want to do is mess around.” Within seconds, his pants are unzipped. He glances at his groin, a not-so-subtle cue for me to go down on him.
I look down at the twitching material of his boxers. “I’m just not into it right now.”
“You serious? C’mon, Ash,” he moans in a frustrated voice. “You know you want it. I want it. Let’s do this.”
Chapter 15
Derek
The bed squeaks above me.
I look at Falkor.
He looks at me.
I took a break from mowing and came inside to cool off, but knowing Ashtyn and her boyfriend are upstairs fooling around is making me nauseous. “Tell me why I have the urge to go up there and kick her boyfriend out of the house?”
Falkor picks his head up as if he’s going to answer, but instead starts humping one of his stuffed toys.
“You need a girlfriend,” I tell the dog. He looks at me with his droopy gray eyes, then cocks his head to the side. I can imagine him saying “You’re just jealous.”
When her boyfriend kissed her outside, I didn’t miss the silent “fuck you, she’s mine” vibe he sent me. Ashtyn is oblivious. The guy obviously thinks he’s God’s gift to the universe, with his black Corvette convertible and dark sunglasses he doesn’t even take off when he’s kissing her. That’s like keeping your socks on when you’re having sex—complete douche move. I’m surprised Ashtyn fell for that kind of guy, whose car is an extension of his dick.
Why I feel protective of Ashtyn is beyond me. The girl can take care of herself and doesn’t need me to protect her virtue.
The bed above squeaks again. Shit, I can’t listen to this and stay sane.
I head back to the yard, ready for round two. I turn on the mower and listen to music.
Hearing that squeaky bed, knowing that dude is touching her, makes me want to punch him. I’ve got no right to feel this way, which sucks even more.
After pushing the mower through a patch of overgrown weeds, I look at her bedroom window. I don’t know what’s up with me. I’m not into girls like Ashtyn. She’s not my type. I like girls who just want a good time and don’t take life too seriously. So why do I keep thinking about what it would be like to kiss her and feel her han
ds on me?
After Landon leaves and Ashtyn is about to walk back to the house after kissing him good-bye, I take my earbuds out. “Please tell me you didn’t get back together with him,” I call out from across the yard.
She eyes me up and down. “Pull your pants up. They’re sagging. I can see your underwear.”
The girl is a master at avoiding the subject. “I mean, seriously, who wears sunglasses when they kiss a girl?”
“Who I date and how I kiss is really none of your business.”
Damn. I shake my head and step closer. “You know when a guy is bullshittin’ you, don’t ya?”
She gives an impatient eye roll. “You should know, right?”
“Absolutely.” I’m standing in front of her now. I lift her chin with my thumb and forefinger until our eyes lock. Damn, she’s beautiful. Every time I catch her looking at me, it’s hard to look away. Now isn’t any different. “A guy is bullshittin’ you when he doesn’t look you in the eye,” I say.
She breaks eye contact. “Stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Making me question my relationship with Landon. I can do that without your help, thank you very much.” She swats my hand away and storms into the house.
That was interesting. I’m about to go after her when my cell rings. It’s Ashtyn’s friend Bree.
“Hey,” Bree says when I answer. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go out Saturday night?”
“Saturday?”
“I think it would be cool if we got to know each other better. You know, because you’ll need someone to show you the ropes at school. Ashtyn’s kind of preoccupied with Landon and football. I can fill in the gaps.”
The gaps. There’s so many fucking gaps in my life it’s comical. I’ve got to start making changes right now, because if I keep going on the same path I’m liable to go insane.
“Yeah,” I tell her, knowing I’ve got to fill in those gaps sooner rather than later. Avoiding Ashtyn is what I need to do to keep me sane. “Sounds great.”
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