by Natalie Ward
She lifts her head, moves so she’s looking at me. “I don’t want to hurt you, Nick,” she says sadly. “I’ve already done it once and I don’t want to do that to you again.”
I stare at her, try to read and decipher the emotions that are warring it out in her eyes. She looks terrified, confused, but most of all sad.
“You won’t hurt me,” I tell her, somehow convinced. “I know you’re not that kind of person.”
She shakes her head. “But I already have, remember?” she says, her fingers brushing across Amy’s tattoo.
“That wasn’t the same thing,” I tell her.
“You’ll end up hating me because of my work.”
I shake my head. “No, I won’t.”
She nods now, even as she says, “Everybody does…eventually.”
I watch her, remembering that night in my bar, the phone call with Sarah. I hadn’t heard it all, but I’d caught enough of it to know that this wasn’t the first time she’d gotten frustrated with Emma over how little they saw each other. It had evidently reached some sort of tipping point too, because they haven’t spoken since then, even though they’re supposed to be best friends.
But as hard as it might be, I also get it. I get the long hours, the nights spent working and not being with who you want to be with. I understand sleeping all day, only to surface for some food and to start all over again. And I’m realistic enough to know that sometimes it will be difficult, that I’ll want to see her but won’t be able to, or that we’ll spend nights and days crawling into bed just as the other one is leaving. But it still doesn’t convince me to walk away, even though I’m as terrified as she is about it all.
“Emma,” I eventually say, waiting until she looks at me. When she finally does, I smile at her, lean in and press a soft kiss to her lips. “I know it’s not always going to be easy, okay? I get that. But I’m not going to try and start predicting the future here. I know that never works. Believe me, I’ve tried.”
She glances at my chest again, at my sister’s name tattooed across it and it feels like she understands exactly what I’m saying. How much I tried to help Amy and that I never saw a future without her in it, but only of one where she got the help she needed, where she was still alive and still my best friend, helping me run the bar like we’d always dreamed. But that future didn’t happen and in the end she was taken away and I was left without her and no amount of wishing or hoping or trying to change things could undo that.
“Just be with me now,” I say to her. “Let’s try this. Now.”
“You really want to do that?” Her words are a whisper, so soft it’s as though she’s too scared to say them out loud.
I slide my fingers into her hair, pulling her down so her mouth is only an inch from mine. I stare into her eyes knowing I’m already hopelessly lost in the never-ending blackness of them. Knowing I can’t possibly stop this now, even if I wanted to.
“Yep,” I whisper, before letting myself get pulled all the way in.
~ Emma
I’m pretty sure Nick has spent the past hour or so subconsciously convincing me that he and I being an us is a good idea. Truth be told, if I based it purely off all the things he can do to me, the way he makes me feel, the way he touches me, even just the way he looks at me, I’d say yes. Scream it from the rooftops for everyone to hear.
But being an us doesn’t work that way. As amazing as it is, it’s not just about the really great sex, and there’s still a huge part of me that’s terrified of how badly wrong this can all go.
I know that’s why I acted the way I did when I first woke up this morning. It’s not that I thought he was the kind of guy who came over for a booty call and then disappeared. But I was protecting myself, giving him an out…maybe myself an out, before I could get hurt.
“Mmmm, we need to get up,” he murmurs, his face buried against my neck.
I close my eyes, hoping that I can somehow find a way to make being an us work. That I don’t ruin this like I have so many times before.
“Come on,” he says, rolling away and hopping out of bed. He reaches down and pulls me up. “We need to get going.”
I half fall out, his arm sliding around my waist as he catches me and pulls me against his hard, warm body.
“We do?”
“Yep,” he says, grinning as he leans in to kiss me. “Go have a quick shower.”
He half pushes me in the direction of the bathroom, smacking me on the butt as I go. I watch as he reaches for the clothes he came over in last night, pulling them on quickly.
“Go!” he says, when he catches me watching him.
After I’ve showered and dressed, Nick grabs my hand and we head outside. Owen has long gone to work, thank god, so I’m not forced to endure any interrogation from him about Nick coming over last night. Of course he knows he did. Even though I was sitting by the buzzer, I still couldn’t stop the loudness of it as it broke through the silence of our apartment.
Owen had been in bed, but not asleep and I’d had to bribe and coerce him with promises of an introduction at another time, just to get him to stay in bed and not speak to Nick when he walked in the front door.
“Where are we going?” I ask, when we hit the street.
Nick hails a cab, opening the door for me as he says, “I need some clean clothes and you need to spend the day with me.”
I open my mouth to speak, but I don’t get the chance as Nick slides a hand along my jaw and presses his mouth to mine. The driver waits for us to finish, before Nick gives him an address. When he glances back at me, I’m not sure what my face looks like, but he can only chuckle as he says, “Relax, Em.”
We ride in silence for a few minutes, Nick holding my hand in both of his. He has an easy smile on his face as he watches the city pass us by. As we pass the hospital where I work, where he showed up only a day ago, it reminds me of what I wanted to ask him yesterday morning.
“How’d you know where to find me?” I ask, my eyes still on him.
Nick’s grin widens as he turns and looks at me now. “Did Dr Holden ever reach you?” he asks.
“What?”
He chuckles. “Dr Holden? He tried calling, but could never seem to reach you.”
I stare at him for a second, before it clicks. “Wait, you’re Dr Holden?” I ask, surprised.
“That I am,” he says, nodding.
“What exactly did you do?” I ask. “Ring every hospital until you found me?”
“Well,” he says, lifting my hand to his mouth. He presses a soft kiss to my palm and it’s so beautifully intimate that I actually feel my knees go weak, even though I’m sitting down. “I found you on the third try,” he says. “Actually speaking directly to you, that part was harder.”
I smile now, knowing the nurse who would have taken his call is a complete ball buster and short of it being a total emergency, there’s no way she would have interrupted me for a random phone call.
“What’d you say?” I ask, smiling.
“Actually, at first I was so surprised I’d found you, I hung up,” he says. “Then of course, I had to ring back and make up something about being disconnected and could I please speak to you.”
“And?”
“And she said no.”
I nod knowingly. “Then?”
“Then I rung back to introduce myself and said that I needed to speak to you about a patient.”
I chuckle. “And?”
“And,” he says, grinning. “She asked me the name of the patient and then I hung up.”
“Oh god,” I say, shaking my head. “Please don’t tell me you called her back?”
“I did,” he says, grinning as he nods at me. “This time though, I asked her when you were finishing work because I really needed to take you out for breakfast and make up for what happened a week ago.”
“What?!” I half yell. Nick’s grin only gets bigger. “Please don’t tell me you said that to her?”
“I did,” he says, a smugly satis
fied look on his face.
I shake my head, half in amazement, half in disbelief. “What did she say?”
He lifts my hand and kisses it again, whispering a little as he says, “She said, somewhere between six and eight this morning and that if I hurt you, she would personally hunt me down and cut my balls off.”
I am literally rendered speechless; unable to believe that she would say that, although given the strange look she gave me that morning, it kind of makes sense. Still, it’s flattering that Nick could be so insistent about finding me. It shocks me that he wanted to. I knew we’d had a connection that night in his bar, but I didn’t think it had any hope of going anywhere after what had happened. I’m still not sure how we make it work now, but there is a tiny part of me that wants to try, that wants to believe him when he says we can.
“Surprised?” he asks.
I nod.
Nick grins as he leans in to kiss me quickly, before we suddenly pull to a stop. I watch as he glances outside before reaching for his wallet and handing some money to the driver. He then slides out of the car, leaning back down as he says, “You coming?”
I close my jaw and put my hand in his outstretched one and follow him out of the car, recognising where we are. “You live at your bar?” I ask, immediately regretting how my question sounds.
Nick laughs, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “No, Em, I live above it, come on.”
I follow him in through the door beside his bar and up a long flight of stairs. Somewhere near the top, I hear the sound of a cat meowing, followed by Nick talking to it as though this is some kind of normal conversation between them as he unlocks the door at the top of the stairs.
When it opens, I follow him into an open, airy and very clean apartment, a fluffy black cat instantly rubbing itself around my legs. I immediately bend and pick it up, nuzzling my face against its fur as it starts to purr in my arms.
“Typical.”
I look up; find Nick looking at me, an easy smile on his face.
“What?” I ask, petting the cat.
Nick shakes his head as he walks towards the kitchen area. “That cat,” he says.
I follow him into the kitchen, the cat still purring in my arms. Nick opens a cupboard above the fridge and grabs a tin of food.
“I’m going to take a quick shower,” he says, holding it out to me. “Can you feed him?”
I nod. “Sure.”
Nick grins. “Thanks. He’s Oscar by the way,” he adds, leaning in to give me a quick kiss.
He turns and walks to the other end of the apartment, where a large bookcase separates what must be the bedroom end. Along the way, he shrugs out of his jacket, throwing it across the back of the couch before pulling off his t-shirt. I watch him disappear behind the bookcase, only to reemerge a few seconds later, completely naked.
I’m still standing in the middle of his apartment, the cat in my arms as I stare at him walking towards a door that I presume leads to the bathroom. Nick doesn’t even notice me watching him and he doesn’t bother shutting the door behind him either as the sound of running water starts up.
It takes the cat nuzzling me to remember that I’m supposed to be feeding him. I put Oscar down and look around for a cat bowl, rinsing it before refilling it with food and wandering towards the couch, which occupies the central area of the apartment space and where I now have a direct line of sight into the bedroom. I take a seat and finally look around Nick’s insanely clean apartment. Now that I do, I can only imagine what he must think of the mess I call my bedroom.
This place is the total opposite of mine. Nothing is out of place, but not in a way that makes you feel like it’s not a home. It’s the same exposed brick walls and wooden floors combination that’s downstairs in his bar. Only here, the ceilings are much higher and huge windows dominate an entire side of the apartment, lining the kitchen area and disappearing behind shelves to his bedroom.
The living room occupies the other side of the apartment, the walls of which are lined with bookcases that are filled, both with books and photos. A huge flat screen TV sits on top of a rustic wooden cabinet. A pile of magazines sits in the croft under the coffee table, alongside several remotes and a small wooden box. Cushions fill the huge corner couch I’m now sitting on, a throw rug covering one end and for all of its neatness, the one word I would pick to describe his home is cozy.
I kick off my shoes and curl my legs beneath me, just as Oscar wanders into the lounge area and jumps up beside me on the couch. I reach out to pet him, smiling when he nuzzles my hand, his loud purr letting me know how much he likes it. He turns in circles several times before evidently finding the perfect spot and curling up beside my leg, his warm body pressing against me.
“I see someone’s made a friend.”
I look up; find Nick standing next to the bookcase, watching me. He’s obviously stepped straight out of the shower, his long hair is loose and wet and he’s wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.
It’s so clearly reminiscent of when he came over to my house last night that my brain immediately flashes back to all the things that came after he stepped out of my bathroom looking like that. As my eyes wander over his half-naked body, a body that is all lean muscle and tanned skin, I can’t help but remember it all. Everything he did to me and everything I did to him and all the ways he made me feel. Things I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
Nick chuckles and my eyes immediately flick to his. He cocks an eyebrow at me as if to say, I know what you’re thinking right now.
“What?” I ask, as I feel my cheeks heat.
Nick grins but says nothing as he slowly walks towards me. I swallow hard at the view in front of me, at the way he watches me as he gets closer and closer. It makes me nervous in a weird way, as though the anticipation of what might be about to happen is almost too much. It’s strange the way he can do this to me when we barely even know each other.
When he’s finally standing right in front of me, he leans down, placing a hand on either side of me. “Tell me what you were just thinking,” he whispers, his mouth against my ear.
My eyes close. “Nothing.”
He laughs. “Bullshit,” he says, lips against my neck, gently nuzzling. “Tell me.”
I actually groan out loud, earning me another laugh and a gentle nip at my ear lobe.
“Tell me, Em,” he repeats, the words low.
I swallow hard, letting out a long exhale. I don’t want to admit to him what I was really thinking. Because as true as it all is, it’s far too scary to say out loud. Too soon to think he might already have this much hold over me.
“Has anyone ever told you, you are ridiculously good looking?” I eventually get out instead, my body melting as he continues a trail of kisses down my neck.
I feel Nick grin against my skin, before pressing a hard kiss to the base of my neck and saying, “They have now.”
I feel my fingers curl into fists, my body humming with a strange kind of electricity. I can almost feel my arms reaching for him, as though they’re out of my control. Just as I’m about to reach out and pull the towel off him, he disappears. My eyes snap open to find him standing in front of me, laughing as I look up at him.
“Come here,” he says, reaching for my hand and pulling me up off the couch. Before I can say anything, he’s picked me up and slung me over his shoulder as though I weigh nothing, has turned and is walking back towards his bedroom.
As we round the bookcase I see a huge unmade bed that Nick immediately lowers me on to. Standing between my legs, he looks down at me for a second or two before crawling up my body until his mouth meets mine. He says nothing more, not even as he peels off my clothes and his towel, practically devouring me when he finally gets us skin to skin.
~ Nick
“Okay,” I breathe against her skin. “Now we really need to get up.”
Emma groans, rolling into my side as she mumbles, “I don’t know if I can even move at this point.”
I laugh as her stomach rumbles. “Yes, you can. And besides, we both need food.”
“Mmmm,” she murmurs, burrowing closer.
I take a deep breath, slowly releasing it as I slide my hands up her back. “Come on,” I whisper, my mouth at her ear. “Let’s go eat.”
She grumbles something I don’t catch as I roll away from her, forcing myself into the sitting position. Truth be told, I’d love nothing more than to stay in bed all day with her, but I also want to prove that this is more than that. That we are more than just a physical connection between two people and this isn’t a random hook-up like she thought it was.
I have to ignore the voice in my head telling me that was all I wanted once and that after everything that happened, I don’t deserve even that, let alone something more.
Have to force it silent just so I can stop myself from feeling guilty about it all, too.
“Come on sleepy,” I say, standing. I lean down to press a kiss against her shoulder before pulling her up and into a hug, kissing her cheeks until she opens her eyes.
“It’s my day off,” she mumbles, resting her cheek against my chest.
I can’t help but laugh. “I know,” I tell her. “And you’re not spending the whole day sleeping.”
I’m sure this is what she normally does on her days off, and between that and work, it kinda makes sense that she feels like she has no life. It’s probably half the reason she’s so unhappy.
“Do you need another shower,” I ask, brushing back her hair.
She finally opens her eyes and looks up at me. “No, I think I’m good.”
I smile, lean in and kiss her nose. “Then get dressed lazy bones.”
We eventually make it downstairs, both of us shivering as we walk out into the cold winter day. Grey clouds threaten rain, but it hasn’t started yet. I pull Emma close and we walk away from the bar and down the street to my favourite coffee shop.
Inside we choose the couches by the fire, the late Monday lunch hour meaning most people are back at work and the place is only half-full. A waitress who recognises me comes and takes our order before disappearing again.