by Natalie Ward
But I still can’t bring myself to stop. To stop being a dickhead, to stop being angry or to stop these nightmares or ruining whatever relationship we might have left by acting this way. I can’t stop any of it anymore and it fucking terrifies me.
“Nick?”
I look up and find Emma standing by the side of the couch, gripping her phone as though it’s some kind of lifeline. She looks nervous and scared and I immediately hate myself all over again for what I’m putting her through.
But as much as I know I’m fucking this up, I still don’t ask her to leave. I can’t, because as fucked as this all is, she is the one good thing I have left. The one good thing that I’m desperately trying to somehow hang on to.
I know she doesn’t know it, but she’s like a breath of fresh air in this never ending nightmare of drowning. She’s the reason I keep trying to go to sleep at night, and she’s the reason I’m grateful every time I wake up, shaking and covered in sweat only to find her still lying beside me. She’s everything to me, yet I’m still doing everything I can to destroy that.
“Emma, I’m…”
She holds up her hand, silencing me as she shakes her head. “This can’t go on,” she says.
A wave of fear pushes me up off the couch, moving my body so I’m standing in front of her. “I’ll get better,” I tell her, my voice pleading, begging her to believe me. “I promise, I’ll get better.”
Emma shakes her head as though she doesn’t believe me, and for the first time in a long time, it’s not the guilt that feels like it’s destroying me anymore.
“No,” she says. “You won’t. You aren’t. And as much as I want to help you, I can’t…I can’t do that.”
I force myself to swallow hard, try to understand exactly what she’s saying. “What…what, what do you mean?” I finally get out. “Are you…?”
“No,” she says, immediately. “No. But, Nick, this can’t go on.”
I’m pretty sure I actually feel my heart break inside my chest. I thought it had already broken a year ago, but clearly I was wrong. As painful as that was, it’s so very different to what’s going on right now and it terrifies me to realise that I’m about to lose the very thing I love all over again.
We stand in silence, both of us watching the other as though we are each daring the other to speak, but neither of us knows what to say.
Eventually it’s Emma who breaks the silence. “Do you trust me, Nick?”
I don’t look away, wondering why she’s asking me this.
“I mean, I know I broke…”
“Yes,” I say, cutting her off, knowing I’d say anything to get her to stay. “I trust you.”
Emma nods. “Then come to bed. We have an early start tomorrow,” she says.
Then she reaches for the remote, switching off the TV before taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom.
~ Emma
Neither of us sleeps, but that’s to be expected. When the alarm goes off at six, I silence it immediately before glancing over at Nick. He’s lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. When he feels me watching him, he turns to face me, offering a weak smile.
“Are you okay?” I ask, even though I know what his answer will be.
I hadn’t told Nick last night about what was happening today. After I called Jason and asked him for help, I couldn’t bring myself to admit it all to Nick. Part of me was afraid he’d be pissed I’d betrayed him again and part of me was afraid he’d say no to what I wanted him to do.
It’s not like I’d told Jason everything, far from it. All I’d done is ask him for another week off and the name of a good psychiatrist. He’d immediately freaked out, thinking it was something to do with me.
“It’s not,” I’d told him. “I’m okay, really.”
“Then what’s going on, Emma?” he’d asked.
I hadn’t known how to answer that, not wanting to admit too much but at the same time, knowing I had to say something. “You remember when you asked if there was anything you could do?” I’d asked him.
“Yeah.”
“Well, this is that something,” I’d said. “Only it’s not for me, it’s for my…my boyfriend.”
It was the first time I’d ever called Nick that. First time I’d admitted it out loud, and it felt weird to be doing it for the first time with my boss.
“Oh,” he’d said, as though he wasn’t sure what to make of my request. “Um, can you give me ten minutes?”
“Okay,” I’d answered, not sure what he’d meant by that either.
Jason had hung up, only to call me back a few minutes later. “Dr Adrian Burrows,” he’d said. “He’s a friend and a good guy. He’ll see your…he’ll see you tomorrow at seven. I’ll text you the address.”
I hadn’t known what to say, shocked that he’d come through for me. Shocked he’d even believed me after I’d barely said anything about what this was all about.
“Emma?” he’d said when I still hadn’t said anything.
“Yes, sorry, I’m here,” I’d said quickly. “Thank you, really.”
“Of course,” Jason had answered. “And next week is cool too, okay?”
“Thank you, Jason,” I’d whispered, perilously close to tears again.
I’d heard the long exhale down the phone. “Are you really okay, Emma?”
I’d nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes,” I’d whispered.
“Okay,” he’d said, even though I’m not sure he believed me. “Well, if there’s anything else you need, just let me know.”
“There won’t be,” I’d promised him, knowing I’d already pushed things far enough. God knows what he thought of me now and god knows how I was ever going to be able to face him back at work.
“Well, if there is,” he’d said before he’d hung up.
Now I find myself facing Nick, wondering how the hell I’m ever going to make him be okay with what I want him to do this morning.
“Nick?’ I prompt.
“I don’t know,” he eventually says, rolling onto his side so we are facing each other. It’s the first time he’s ever come close to admitting that things aren’t okay with him.
“It’s going to be alright,” I tell him, brushing my fingers across his cheek. “We’re going to fix this.”
Nick nods, saying nothing more as he pulls me against him, holding me tight as though he’s afraid to let me go.
The doctor walks into the waiting room and smiles warmly, which does nothing to calm Nick’s nerves. His body is radiating nervous energy, has been ever since we walked in here, his foot tapping out a constant rhythm on the floor as he holds my hand in a vice-like grip.
I’d expected him to freak out when he’d found out where we were going, but he hadn’t said anything, just silently followed me into the office. We are the only ones in here and I know that’s because Jason has called in a favour. I’m not sure how I’m ever going to thank him for this.
“Nick?” the doctor asks. He’s younger than I expected.
Nick nods, but says nothing.
“I’m Adrian,” he continues. “Do you want to come through?”
Nick glances at the open door behind him before turning to me. I offer him what I hope is an encouraging smile.
“Can Emma come?” he asks.
His request surprises me. I’d expected some anger at the fact I’d brought him here, definitely some resistance to trying this, but I hadn’t expected him to want to talk about it all in front of me. I didn’t think this was what he wanted to do at all. I mean it’s part of why we’re in this mess in the first place.
But Adrian shows no surprise, smiling at both of us as he says, “Of course. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.”
Nick glances at me again and I smile in encouragement. We both stand and follow Adrian into an open and light-filled office. He gestures towards a couch that faces two single chairs, one of which he takes as both of us sit on the couch. Nick still hasn’t let go of my hand.
�
��Emma, you work with Jason, is that right?”
I nod, weirdly nervous. “I do.”
Adrian smiles. “Do you like it?”
It’s the wrong question to ask, but I still nod and say, “Yes.”
Adrian nods as though this all makes sense. “Jason and my sister went to med school together,” he continues, as though he knows these are all questions I want to know the answers to. “I followed a couple of years later.”
I nod, not knowing what to say. Despite working with him for six months, I don’t really know anything about Jason’s personal life and it feels strange getting this tiny insight from someone who is essentially a stranger. What’s even weirder is wondering how much Jason has said to him about me. Whether he ever admitted to that awkward night in the past where we both made a huge mistake.
“Anyway,” Adrian says, turning to Nick as if sensing my discomfit. “Should we make a start?”
Nick tenses beside me, as though he’s about to bolt any second. That nervous energy that was pouring off him in the waiting room has only magnified since we walked in here and no amount of friendly chitchat or me being here is doing anything to make it stop.
“You okay?” I whisper, turning to face him.
Nick shakes his head, eyes on the floor.
“Nick,” Adrian says, his voice different now. Gone is the friendly chatter and in its place is something more. Professional, but at the same time, reassuring, as though he somehow understands everything Nick is going through. “I want you to know,” he continues. “That in this room, you should feel comfortable. As painful and scary as this might all feel, that’s the last thing I want. So we’re going to start easy, okay? And today we’ll only talk about why you’ve come to see me.”
Nick nods again, even though I’m not sure Adrian’s words have even registered.
“And,” Adrian continues. “If you want Emma to be here when we do talk, that’s perfectly fine with me.”
Nick glances at me again and I smile, nod in agreement, before he turns back to Adrian. “Okay,” he eventually gets out.
“Great,” Adrian says, smiling as he reaches for a notebook on the coffee table that sits between us. “So, can we start by talking about that night?”
“What?” Nick blurts out, his fingers tightening in mine.
Adrian smiles reassuringly. “Not that far back,” he says. “I just want to start with the night that triggered this,” he says.
~ Nick
Nothing about this feels good…at all. I really don’t want to be here and I most definitely don’t want to be talking to this stranger about all of the fucked up things going on inside my head.
The walls of his office already feel too small, like they’re closing in on me, trapping me and making it hard to breathe. My hands are sweaty and they’d be shaking if I weren’t hanging onto Emma like my life depends on it.
Yet it’s because of her that I’m here at all. I’m scared as hell about all of this, about all the things I know he’s going to ask me, and all the things I know I’m going to have to talk about. I don’t believe this kind of thing works, not after what happened with my sister, but I know I have to try. Which means I’m either batshit crazy or Amy was right.
“What?” I eventually get out, the word lodged in my throat.
Adrian shakes his head slightly. “Not that far back,” he says. “I just want to start with the night that triggered this. Start with why you’ve stopped sleeping, stopped going to work. Why you’ve come to see me at all.”
I glance at Emma, wondering how much she’s told this guy, how he could possibly know about any of this. She meets my stare, defiantly looking back at me as she nods in encouragement. I’m guessing she’s told him some stuff, she must have. The last thing I want to do is answer his questions, but I know I have to suck it up and deal with it because I do not want things to go on like this for us.
I’d do anything to rewind the last two weeks and go back to the way things were in the months after we first met. I’d put up with the crazy work hours and hardly seeing each other. I’d put up with anything if we could just avoid doing this.
But I know that I can’t, just like I can’t go back in time and change all the things that caused this in the first place.
So I turn back and I tell him. I tell him about the fight Emma and I had after she looked up Amy’s file. I tell him about how angry I was and how I needed to get away from her. I tell him how I spent the week at my sister’s best friend’s house, drinking on her couch before she eventually kicked me out. And I tell him how I came back to my apartment, intending to go and see Emma and apologise, only to walk into the bathroom and find Emma asleep in the bathtub.
Then I tell him how I completely freaked out.
Adrian and Emma say nothing as I admit all of this, and by the end of it, I’m so exhausted that all I want to do is go home and sleep, even if that’s what’s been killing me this past week.
I expect him to ask me more, ask me why I freaked out like I did, or what I think it all means, but instead he just nods and says, “Okay, that’s a really good start, Nick. Thank you for telling me all of this, I know it can’t have been easy. We are going to stop now, but I do want to arrange another appointment, so we can continue to talk about everything. Would that be okay?”
I glance at Emma who smiles in encouragement before turning back to Adrian and nodding, not sure what I’m supposed to say.
“Good,” he says, smiling at both of us. “And I’d also like to prescribe you with some sleeping tablets. Just to…”
I’m shaking my head before he’s even finished, knowing there’s not a chance in hell I can take those.
“Nick,” he says, holding up a hand. “It’s not forever, okay? And it’s a really low dose, just so you can get some sleep.”
“I can’t,” I whisper, my voice cracking.
“Try,” he says, handing me the script. “Can we meet again on Monday?”
My hand shakes as I take the script from him. I hear Emma answer, “Yes,” as they arrange a time and then we are standing and walking out of his office.
The second we’re outside; I scrunch up the prescription and shove it in my pocket, at the same time inhaling deeply, sucking in the fresh air as though it’s the first I’ve tasted in months. Emma watches me but says nothing as she links her arm through mine and steers us down the street and into a coffee shop. I’d rather just go home, I’m not in the mood to be out in public, but it seems like I don’t have a choice on this one.
Inside, she’s pushes me towards a table in the back while she goes to order us some coffee. It briefly crosses my mind that I could just get up and walk out, go home so I don’t have to deal with this shit. But before I can even process the thought, Emma is back, taking a seat opposite me.
I look up, wondering whether I could actually walk away from her. She offers me a smile, as though giving me the answer, and it’s all I can do not to reach for her, pull her into my arms and beg her to stay and fix this for me.
But I know it’s not going to be as easy as that and as much as I might hate what she made me do this morning, I know this is the only way she knows how to try and help me. Even if the past tells me it isn’t ever going to help.
“How are you doing?” she asks tentatively.
“Shit,” I say, shrugging.
Emma nods as though it’s what she expected. “Do you hate me for doing that to you this morning?” she asks.
I shake my head. I don’t hate her; I just hate what I have to do.
“Really?” she asks, reaching for my hand.
Her fingers slide through mine, pulling my hand closer to her as she wraps her other hand around it.
“Really,” I say, my eyes on our hands.
“Even…” she stops as our coffees are delivered, mumbling a thanks to whoever drops them off. “Even after what I did?” she continues.
I look up, glance around the coffee shop she’s taken me to. It’s not one I’ve ever been t
o. Not my regular, which has now become our regular after Emma started staying over at my place. It occurs to me that this might be deliberate. That, in addition to giving me an anonymous face to tell my shit to, she’s also giving me an anonymous place in which to tell it. Or try to anyway.
“Nick?”
I turn back to her. “No,” I say. “I get why you did it, Em.”
“You do?” she asks.
I nod.
“Why?” she continues, surprised. I shake my head, unsure how to explain it. Emma says nothing for a bit, before she adds, “You were so angry with me.” Her words are a whisper, almost as though she’s afraid to say them out loud.
I nod again, knowing the rage I felt a week ago was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Even though it’s still there, it has diminished a little, because while I might have thought my anger was about what she did, I also know it was partly because of what I was unable to do.
Amy’s right, I’ve never been able to talk about what happened to my sister. Not with her, not with my parents and not with Tony. They are the four people, aside from me, who know everything about it, but still I can’t bring myself to talk to them about it all.
I’m not even sure why, except that maybe it’s because Amy and I are twins, or were anyway, and that somehow, we shared a connection that was greater than anything they ever shared with her.
I saw this thing once that said; twins share one mind, but it’s the shared heart that’s the problem. I didn’t get what it meant at first because even though we always joked we knew exactly what the other was thinking; I never actually thought Amy and I shared a mind. We were always our own person, doing our own thing and living our own lives, regardless of how close we were. I thought maybe this saying was more an identical twin thing.
But then everything happened to her.
And after that, I understood it. I understood because I could literally feel the pain she felt; the pain of her suffering became my pain too.
Only then she got to be free of it, and I had to keep on suffering.