by Allison Rios
“It won’t, AJ, I promise. I will take care of her.”
Silence filled the room again, the only sound between them coming from the crickets chirping outside. Max drank his coffee, and AJ prayed for a miracle.
One he had to make himself.
“Do you believe that good always triumphs over evil?” AJ asked quietly. He had wondered that question often but never had the courage to ask. He feared he might not like the answer.
“In theory? Or in reality?”
“Both I guess.”
“In theory, sure. Somewhere down the road, even if the evil win battles, they’re bound to fall, just as the good are bound to fall in the face of evil once in awhile, too. It’s a circle, a continuing event in infinity, carrying on and on. In reality, it just depends on your own personal views. You can either see the glass as half empty or half full. It’s the same thing I always tell you – it’s your choice. We all have the opportunity to make our choices and to live the life we choose to live. As much as we dislike Devin, we can learn from him. He’s chosen his path, knowing the full consequences of his actions. He hasn’t asked if he should follow or break the rules, he simply chooses to do so. It’s that brand of thinking that allows him the strength that he has. He has confidence in himself and his choices. He believes in his cause. That’s what you need to find.”
AJ didn’t say a word.
“You need to quit asking everyone what you should or shouldn’t do, kid. You’re a man, and life has dealt you some pretty - pardon the term - grim hands. If you go through your life asking everyone else what you should do or what they should do, you’re not living your life. You’re living their versions of your life. That’s not how any person was meant to be. We were meant to make our own decisions and to live with the consequences. I can’t determine what would make you happy any more than a complete stranger could. No matter what decision is made there are bound to be some regrets. Those should be your regrets to own.”
“Why do you always have to make sense?” AJ said, resting his head in his hands.
“I wasn’t always this wise,” Max laughed in return.
“Really? So when did you get so smart?”
“After I grew tired of just being so damn good looking!”
The laughter helped ease the tension – although just a bit – that was palpable in the air.
“You boys still up?”
Helen came up behind them, the floral robe tied tightly around her waist.
“Sorry Helen. Just couldn’t sleep.”
“Yeah,” Max added. “We’ll head upstairs now so you can go back to bed.”
“That’s alright. I couldn’t sleep either,” she said, pulling up a chair and picking up a deck of cards from the kitchen drawer. “You boys play Gin Rummy?”
“Not well,” AJ replied with a laugh.
Helen took the cards out and shuffled them carefully. AJ watched as the wrinkled hands moved with precision, cutting the deck and flexing the cards to slide in between each other. She’d obviously been playing for a long time.
She dealt the cards one by one, placing the rest of the deck down and flipping the top card over.
“How about loser does laundry for a week?” she smirked.
“Deal,” the men agreed, knowing full well she’d probably still do the laundry.
As they began to play, Helen engaged them in conversation, keeping her eyes focused on her game. If they’d been in a casino,
AJ would have believed she was trying to cause the others to slip up.
“So why are my boys having trouble sleeping?”
Her boys. AJ liked the sound of the words and the meaning behind them.
“Just stuff,” Max replied.
“Does Devin have anything to do with this?” she asked, continuing to pick and choose her cards, setting down the matching pairs.
“No,” AJ lied, hating to do so. “Why?”
“I know he upset you enough that you told us to be careful around him. Want to tell me why that is?”
“Just a bad guy, Helen. He gives me the creeps.”
“Same here,” she replied. “He’s always in town in the morning, chatting people up. I can’t even stand for him to look my way. I almost dread going in for groceries tomorrow.”
AJ didn’t want her there either. Not anywhere near the creep.
“Stay home tomorrow then Helen. You’ll feel better and we’ll feel better. We’ll go get what you need,” he said, pointing at Max.
“Rummy,” she said with a smile, all her cards on the table. They hadn’t been paying close enough attention.
“Make sure you pick up extra laundry detergent. You’re going to need it this week,” she said, moving over to the counter. “And by the way, these are for you.” She turned to walk down the hallway and back to bed.
She set in front of AJ two photos; the first of him and Addie, dressed up for the dance, and the other of he and Helen, her arm wrapped tightly around the man she’d come to love as her son. AJ stared at the most touching gift he’d received in years.
“We better get some sleep too, kid,” Max added, sliding his chair out and hoisting himself up. He put his cup in the sink, and turned back to see AJ hadn’t moved.
“You really okay?”
“What do you think?”
“I think no.”
“Then you’d be right.”
“I’m not gonna lie and say tomorrow won’t be bad. We’ll come out prevailing, AJ. Believe in who you are and believe in the strength you possess."
“I’m trying,” AJ whispered, pushing up from the table to head up to bed. “I’m trying.”
19 BEGINNING OF THE END
The last day of her life, AJ’s mom had been in the hospice-provided hospital bed, far too weak to even raise her hand. He hadn’t thought much about the end. His only focus had been on the future and making his mom better. Refusing to give up hope, he did not allow others to talk about her not being cured; he had complete faith she would, up until the moment she took her last breath.
Her fingers lightly patted the bed, the biggest motion her frail body could make. AJ climbed up beside her, wrapping her hand within his.
“Promise me you’ll smile again,” she said, her voice barely audible and certainly nearly unrecognizable.
Her eyes were pleading with him to let go of the pain he felt and move on. She’d told herself from the beginning that the hardest part was not the cancer or the pain – she could deal with those. It was the knowledge she’d be leaving AJ essentially alone after it had been the two of them against the world. The thought was simply unbearable and caused her endless hours of worry and exhaustion. It was what allowed her to hold on so long.
“Mom, we’re going to be fine,” he replied, shushing her as he always did.
“AJ, listen to me,” she pleaded, the sadness spreading across her face.
He stopped talking, and instead listened to what she had to say. He didn’t want to make this harder.
“Promise me that above all else, you will learn to live and be happy. That’s what you deserve. This right here, this illness, it doesn’t define what our life is. It shouldn’t overshadow all of the good times we’ve had, all the memories we’ve made. Those should be the things you think of when you remember me, not this. Don’t remember me like this.”
He didn’t say a word. If he had, he would have lost it. He hadn’t cried in front of her yet in order to keep her spirits up. He wasn’t about to start.
“Remember that road trip we took?” she asked, smiling at the memory. “Remember,” her voice laughed, “how you fell in the lake while we were fishing off that dock?”
“Yeah,” he replied, the smallest of laughs escaping his lips. It was far too funny not to laugh. “You pushed me in.”
“I did no…such…thing,” she said between gasps of breath. “You fell while you…were leaning over…too far. I think that was the funniest thing…I’d …ever seen.”
She was tired and sti
ll thinking only about him; forcing him to remember the good things about her so his memories were of the fun they’d had. She knew from experience that having to take care of someone sick would leave a lasting impression. From her days of taking care of her own sick parents she knew even though there was nothing she could have done to cure them, AJ would carry the same guilt she did about not being able to do more. Seeing a parent who had been unbreakable for so long crumbling under the guise of an illness was a lasting and haunting memory. It would take a lot for AJ to remember the better days.
He pulled her closer. She couldn’t leave him, he thought. She couldn’t go away when there was so much life left to live. As they grew silent, she drifted off to sleep and that night, went home to the angels.
Despite looking at every photo of every vacation and smile in the days after that, AJ could only feel the loss of his mother. He wondered if that would ever change.
**************************************************
He had managed to fall asleep for a couple hours, awaking to the sound of the phone ringing well before the sun came up. He grabbed it, worrying it could be Addie and hoping Helen hadn’t woken up.
“Hello?” he whispered. He was already making his way to the window to check for any signs of distress at Addie’s home.
“AJ?”
It was Gram, her voice tense. It instantly set the pit of AJ’s stomach on fire. “Gram?”
“Yes. I couldn’t sleep. At all! Rose is out like a light. I can’t close my eyes no matter how tired this old body is.”
AJ listened as he had grown so accustomed to doing with the women in his life. Sometimes he had no words to say, and being quiet felt safer than speaking.
“You’ll protect her, right?” she begged, the pleading radiating from her voice. “I know you already promised once, but promise me again that you will protect her.”
“I promise,” he said, realizing he needed to sound more confident if he wanted to ease her fears even in the slightest. “I will protect her with my life. He will not hurt her.”
There was silence on the phone except for Gram’s worried breathing.
“I can’t save her. I’m…I’m starting to regret making the decision I did years ago. If I hadn’t…if I hadn’t, she wouldn’t be in a position to get hurt-”
AJ cut her off. “She wouldn’t have had a chance to live, either Gram.”
“I suppose we’re both right.”
He knew the recommendation would cause a fight with Addie. After listening to the trepidation in Gram’s voice, he knew he make the request if only to allay Gram’s fears.
“Do you want me to tell her she can’t? Make her stay behind?”
“She’ll never listen to you,” she replied, knowing her granddaughter well. “She’ll go anyway, unprepared and unprotected, just to keep you safe.”
“I will protect her,” AJ said with a more forceful, sure voice. “I can promise you that at the end of the day, she will return to you in one, whole, safe piece. I will not let anything happen to her.”
His voice reassured her, and she whispered her thanks into the phone.
“I know you will, AJ. I trust in you. I believe in you.”
He slid the phone back onto its base, sinking back down into bed as another hour passed. As the sun rose, he saw Addie out in the yard trying to remain as normal as possible. The sight of her out there made the churning in the pit of his stomach stop.
He watched her movements, every one of them so graceful. He thought of Addie shaking and crying as she had run into the house the night before. He thought of Rose falling off the ladder. He thought of Helen hiding with her binoculars in the living room.
He was suddenly unafraid of what was coming. There was nothing in this world more daunting than any of these women in his life being hurt, and he felt a relief as the notion swept over him.
He was not scared to die for them.
The uneasiness was replaced by faith in the mission ahead and his sureness in the fact that no harm would come to Addie. He couldn’t control what happened to his mother. This time, he had a chance to determine the outcome.
He sat down at the desk, his last conversation with his mother ringing in his ears. Watching Addie on the phone hours before, and talking to Gram that morning had solidified the feeling he’d held within his heart for days now: today would be his last day on earth.
He was no longer worried about death. The certainty he felt about his end was eerily calming. There would be no surviving the battle he was about to face, because he would use every last ounce of his being to stop Devin and keep Addie and her family safe. The fear he’d been struggling to overcome in the previous days was suddenly nonexistent. He was strong, relieved almost. With no fear about dying, he felt more powerful against Devin. This would be his defining moment, and he was ready for it.
The pen and paper seemed like gold to him, an opportunity to write down how he felt so that for the rest of eternity it would be known. There would be no guessing, no wondering what he would have or should have said. It would be in his lazy scribble, spread across the page.
He had so much to say, although he didn’t know how to get it all out. He simply started writing.
His hand moved furiously, scribbling out as legibly as possible the feelings in his heart. He wanted her to spend the rest of her life smiling and remembering their good times, just as his mother had made him promise. He knew Addie well enough to know that when he died, she’d blame herself for not doing enough. He wanted her to understand. He made it clear that he had made the decision to give his life that day, taking the blame out of her hands. It was his choice and he wouldn’t regret it.
The words poured out and gave him power over his fears. Max found him sitting at the table near the window and slid into the extra chair.
AJ had just finished signing the letter, which he folded up carefully. Writing Addie’s name on the front and sliding the picture of the two of them inside, he set it in front of Max on the table. It looked like one of the notes he would have written in grade school, folded as tiny as possible to prevent the teacher from seeing it.
“Bury me by a tree,” AJ said to Max, breaking the silence as he looked down at his hands; the hands that had given life anew and the hands that would take Devin’s away. “An oak tree.”
“AJ-”
“Today is the day Max. It’s not a maybe. It’s not a possibility. It’s a certainty. I can feel it. And I am okay with it. I’ll be leaving this earth knowing I’ve done a good job. I will defeat Devin and I will give my all to protect this town and that woman across the street. You need to tell her this – it was my decision. She doesn’t need to spend her life carrying that guilt.”
“AJ, come on-”
He cut Max off again. “Max, really, it’s okay. I’m making the decision, making the choices in my life. I choose this. I choose doing this for everyone. When I go out there today, your only job is to keep her safe. Get her out of there as soon as it starts, and keep her away no matter how hard she fights. And when it’s done, bury me by an oak tree. It’s the strongest tree I know and that’s how I want her to remember me.”
“That’s how we’ll all remember you,” Max said, resignation in his voice. He didn’t like it. He respected it, though. AJ had finally grown up.
The men stood and AJ placed the letter into his best friend’s hands. Max pulled him into a hug, patting his back and holding back his own tears. This was a real man, a man of honor, Max thought.
“Give this to her afterwards, not before. If you do it before, she’ll fight you to get back to me.”
Max nodded, stepping back. He knew AJ was right. It would take everything he had to get her away from the fight when AJ was still in the middle of it.
Max left AJ to prepare. AJ shut and locked his door. He turned to face his room, the last time he would be inside it. It had become home to him in such a short time, the walls becoming the most familiar thing he had in his life since his mother. He
had memorized them, down to every crease in the wallpaper, the many times he had plopped down on the old quilt to think about his life. The residents of Lee had become his family and eased the loss of his mother within his own heart. Helen made life bearable again as she adopted him as her own, without any paperwork necessary. Their bond rose above the
written laws of the state. He picked up the picture of them off the table next to his bed and smiled.
He sat back down at the table, wanting to write Helen a note as well. She would feel as though she lost another son and the thought broke his heart.
“Dear Helen,
I’m sorry that we didn’t get to know each other better. I want you to know what an amazing woman I think you are. You are brave and resilient, and I hope that for the rest of your days you carry those strengths and pass them onto other strangers that pass through your door. There are a lot of us out there – lost boys and girls who just need someone to love us like we’ve been yours all our lives. You did just that, and not many people would. You should be proud of the woman you’ve become.
Take care of Max for me, and Addie and Matthew. Max won’t admit it, but he enjoys home cooking over his burned burgers from the grill. And Addie will need someone who knew me to understand what she’s going through. You’ve loved and lost before, and you’ll be able to help her appreciate all that we shared.
It wasn’t that long ago that you imparted some wise and useful advice on me, and I can only hope that you will follow your own words for a second time. You told me that we’ve all had bad things happen; that we’ve all experienced heartaches that will be etched for the rest of our lives onto our hearts. While those won’t go away, the new friends we make and the new love we find will serve as the stitches that repair our souls and allow us to carry on.
You’ve been my stitches, Helen, and I’m a better man because of you. I hope knowing me is stitches for you, and that your heart will be stronger because of our friendship.
Love,