Trouble According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  Finally, Mrs. Brisbane said, “I think we have a good list here. Now, I’m going to assign jobs for Humphreyville.”

  The room was in an uproar as students called out the jobs they wanted.

  “I’ll be the Fire Chief!” said Garth.

  Mandy frowned. “I don’t want to clean the dirty old streets. Or wash dishes.”

  Mrs. Brisbane smiled. “These aren’t exactly the kinds of jobs we’re going to have in Humphreyville. You will have classroom jobs, based on the real jobs in a community.” She walked over to the map, which was pulled down. “Here’s the list I’ve made.” She rolled the map UP-UP-UP and behind it on the chalkboard was a chart with a whole list of jobs I’d never even heard of before.

  “Are you paying attention, Og?” I squeaked to my neighbor. “We’re going to have new jobs!”

  There was such a loud buzz in the room, Mrs. Brisbane had to say, “Shush,” then “Class!” and “Quiet now!” before everyone calmed down.

  “Listen carefully, please,” she said. “The jobs will rotate on a weekly basis. So whatever your job is the first week, you’ll have a different job next week. If you don’t get the job you want the first time, you’ll have another chance at it. You’ll be graded on a point system. You’ll get ten points for doing a good job. I will add extra points for doing an especially good job and subtract points if you don’t do a good job. Understand?”

  Heads nodded yes around the room and a few hands shot up. Mrs. Brisbane called on Mandy.

  “If we like our jobs, why can’t we keep them?” Mandy asked in her whiniest voice.

  “Because I think you’ll learn more by switching around.”

  Mrs. Brisbane turned and began filling in names next to the jobs listed.

  Pencil Patrol—Heidi Hopper

  Paper Monitor—A.J. Thomas

  Door Monitor—Kirk Chen

  Chalkboard Eraser—Gail Morgenstern

  Energy Monitor—Art Patel

  Line Monitor—Sayeh Nasiri

  Plant Technician—Richie Rinaldi

  Table Inspector—Mandy Payne

  Animal Keeper—Miranda Golden

  Teacher Assistant—Seth Stevenson

  Homework Monitor—Tabitha Clark

  Name after name, job after job, each one sounding more interesting than the next! Imagine erasing the chalkboard at the end of every day. Or being Mrs. Brisbane’s actual assistant!

  I was especially thrilled that Golden-Miranda was going to be in charge of Og and me because she takes such good care of us.

  But not everyone was happy. Hands were raised. Kirk thought being the Door Monitor sounded boring. Heidi wanted to know what a Pencil Patrol Person did. When she heard she had to make sure the students had sharp pencils when they needed them, she didn’t complain.

  Mandy, on the other hand, did complain when she found out the Table Monitor was supposed to make sure everybody’s work space was neat. “I don’t want to clean up somebody else’s mess.” Mrs. Brisbane explained that she didn’t have to clean up the mess. She just had to give a student a written notice stating that their work space needs straightening. If someone’s table didn’t get straightened, she was to report that student to Mrs. Brisbane.

  “It’s an important job,” the teacher explained. Mandy seemed satisfied.

  “Any more questions?” Mrs. Brisbane asked.

  Art slowly raised his hand. “What’s that Energy Monitor job?”

  “At recess, lunch and the end of school, you make sure the lights are turned off to save electricity. When everybody comes back, you turn the lights on.”

  “That sounds easier than being a Table Monitor,” Mandy argued.

  “Don’t worry,” the teacher replied. “You’ll all switch jobs at the end of the week. Okay, we’ll start this afternoon.”

  When it was time for recess, my friends put on their coats and rushed outside. Pay-Attention-Art stayed behind as Mrs. Brisbane had requested. Once my classmates had cleared out, she went over and sat down next to him. In her hand was Art’s spelling test.

  “Art, about this F …”

  My heart pounded. Art got an F! F as in Failure! F as in Flunking! F as in Family-being-really-mad if you bring home one of those on your report card!

  “Art, I know math can be a problem for you, but you’ve always done better with your spelling. What happened?”

  Art stared down at the table and shrugged his shoulders. “I goofed up.”

  “Did you study?”

  “I forgot.”

  F as in Forgot-to-study!

  “You’ve been forgetting a lot lately. What’s on your mind?”

  Art shrugged his shoulders again. “I don’t know. I just think about stuff I like.”

  Mrs. Brisbane examined the elaborate house that Art had built, the one with the train tracks going through it. “Stuff like building this house?”

  “Yeah. I like building things.”

  “And you’re good at it. Look, I know you can do better than this. If I let you retake the test tomorrow, will you study for it tonight? Otherwise, I’ll have to let your parents know about this F.”

  Art perked right up. “I’ll study tonight. I promise!”

  Mrs. Brisbane pushed back her chair and stood up. “Don’t disappoint me, Art. Tonight, what are you going to do?”

  “Study!” He sounded convincing to me.

  “Good,” the teacher said with a smile. “Now, why don’t you get your coat and go on out to recess?”

  Art didn’t waste any time grabbing his coat and dashing out of the room. After he left, Mrs. Brisbane stopped smiling. “I hope you do study, Art,” she said softly.

  After school, I stared at the job list I’d written down. Good thing I had, too, since Gail was such an excellent Chalkboard Eraser, Mrs. Brisbane had to stop her before she erased the list of jobs. On the other hand, Art had not exactly been a great Energy Monitor. He left the lights on at the end of the day. I wished he’d pay more attention.

  Usually, I would have been glad the lights were on so I could study my notebook. But I had something else on my mind. I turned to my neighbor.

  “Og? Can you hear me?”

  I heard the faintest splashing of water. At least I knew he was listening.

  “I’ve been thinking about this job thing,” I squeaked.

  The splashing got louder. My small hamster voice couldn’t be heard over the noise, so I opened my cage’s lock-that-doesn’t-lock. It looks like it’s locked when a human closes my door, but I can easily open it from the inside. No one knows about it except Og, thank goodness! I couldn’t have helped my friends and had so many adventures without that good old lock.

  I scampered over to Og’s house. “Our friends have helping kinds of jobs, like taking care of us. Even if we can’t erase the chalkboard or turn off the lights, there must be something useful we can do.”

  “BOING!” Og jumped up alarmingly high.

  “Mrs. Brisbane didn’t even think of us. So we’re going to have to find jobs of our own. Real jobs, like turning off the lights.”

  “BOING-BOING!” Og jumped up even higher.

  “Good! You want a job, too. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “BOING-BOING-BOING!” My froggy friend was quite frantic, which was certainly unusual for him.

  I didn’t realize that he was actually trying to warn me until Aldo hurried into the room, pulling his cart. “What are the lights doing on? A waste of energy,” he grumbled.

  My heart was thumping so loudly, Aldo could probably hear it. I couldn’t let anyone discover the secret about my lock! I madly dashed back to my cage and almost made it, too, but it’s hard to stay ahead of Aldo.

  “Hey, buddy, hold on, there!”

  His big hand reached down and picked me up. “What are you doing out of your cage? This classroom could be a dangerous place for a small fellow like you. Somebody could have squashed you or something.”

  He gently placed me back in my cage and closed the d
oor, checking to see that the lock was firmly locked. “It seems okay,” he said. “But just to be safe, I’ll give you some extra protection.” He searched around until he found a large paper clip, which he straightened out. Then he bent it around the door of my cage.

  “EEK!” I squeaked. I was really locked in now.

  Aldo stroked his mustache thoughtfully. “Somebody must have left your door open. I wonder who took care of you today?”

  He thought for a minute, then took out a piece of paper and sat down to write a note to Mrs. Brisbane. “I’d better tell her that whoever’s supposed to take care of you didn’t do a very good job.”

  I swallowed hard. Golden-Miranda had the job of Animal Keeper and no one took better care of pets than she did. (Even if she personally owned a scary dog named Clem.)

  “NO-NO-NO!” I squeaked, trying to make Aldo understand that he was making a big mistake. “Not Miranda!”

  For once, Aldo didn’t get it. “I know, pal. It must have been pretty scary being out of the cage like that. Mrs. Brisbane will take care of it.” He folded the note and put it on her desk.

  My stomach was bumpy and jumpy, the way it feels when I have to ride the school bus with somebody. Aldo finished cleaning and ate his dinner, but I was so upset, I wasn’t even interested in the carrot he offered me.

  Aldo got up and pushed his cart toward the door. “Lights out, guys. Gotta save that energy.”

  After he left and the room was dark again, I squeaked to Og. “Thanks for trying to warn me, Oggy. Next time, I’ll pay more attention.”

  “BOING-BOING,” he replied.

  “I’ve got to get over to Mrs. Brisbane’s desk and throw that note away,” I told him. He twanged in agreement.

  I went right to work on unbending the paper clip. I used my paws, my teeth (ouch) and even my tiny pencil. I wiggled it, jiggled it, pushed it and pulled it. But by the time the sun came up, I was still locked in.

  I’d failed Golden-Miranda, a person who would never do anything to harm me. (The same does not apply to her dog, however.)

  No wonder Mrs. Brisbane didn’t give me a real job. As a classroom hamster, I deserved an F for Forgetting-to-pay-attention-to-everything-I-was-supposed-to-do!

  EMPLOYMENT PICTURE BRIGHT

  FOR HUMPHREYVILLE!

  Students start a variety of jobs today.

  The Humphreyville Herald

  Miranda in Trouble

  My paws were practically raw and my teeth ached from trying to remove that paper clip from my cage when I heard the doorknob turn, saw the lights come on and watched Mrs. Brisbane enter.

  “Morning, fellows,” she called out to us. She took off her scarf, her coat, her hat and her gloves and walked toward her desk.

  Aldo’s note sat squarely in the center of her desktop. It might as well have been screaming, “Read me! Read me!” I held my breath while she combed her hair, checked her face in a mirror and locked her handbag in a drawer. Then, she sat down at her desk. My whiskers drooped and my heart sank as she picked up Aldo’s note and began to read.

  “Oh!” she said out loud. “Oh, dear!” She studied the note for a while before walking over to my cage.

  “So, Humphrey, I hear you had an adventure last night.”

  “Not really,” I squeaked weakly.

  “Squeaking will get you nowhere.” She bent down and examined the lock on my cage. She tested the paper clip. “I see Aldo didn’t want to take any chances.”

  She turned toward Og. “I suppose you witnessed the whole thing.”

  Og stayed motionless. Good. He wasn’t going to squeal—or rather croak—on me. A true friend!

  Mrs. Brisbane was staring down at my cage when Garth and A.J. arrived (they took the same bus and always arrived together), with Sayeh and Tabitha right behind them.

  Mrs. Brisbane went to the door to greet the students as they bustled in and headed for the cloakroom.

  Kirk came in, then Seth, then Heidi and Gail (Heidi always waited outside until Gail got to school because they were best friends).

  Next Miranda came through the door, a practically perfect person who never did anything wrong on purpose and who was about to get in BIG-BIG-BIG trouble all because of me!

  I wished Ms. Mac had taken me to Brazil with her.

  Mrs. Brisbane went about the morning routine. First we studied the planets.

  I wished I was on the planet Mars instead of in Room 26.

  The teacher wrote out the words for our next spelling test. I almost fainted when she wrote the first one: trouble. Trouble was something I could spell. Trouble was what I was in. Trouble was what I had caused. My paw was shaking and I wasn’t able to write all the words down. I wasn’t worried about next week’s spelling test. I had bigger things to worry about.

  By mid-morning, Mrs. Brisbane still had not mentioned the incident from the night before. Maybe she didn’t believe Aldo’s note. But that couldn’t be, because everybody trusted Aldo and knew he wouldn’t lie.

  “Og, aren’t you worried about Miranda?” I squeaked when the classroom was empty at recess.

  “BOING!” was his clear and obvious answer.

  Of course he was worried.

  I wished I was a frog in a glass house instead of a hamster in a cage with a stupid lock-that-doesn’t-lock.

  After recess, I was so concerned about my troubles, I hardly noticed Paul when he came in and sat down for math. My fellow classmates didn’t either. I did notice him when math was over. He paused at the door and stared at the list of jobs on the board before quietly leaving the room.

  Then came the moment of truth. Except it wasn’t the truth. It was all a big mistake.

  Mrs. Brisbane said, “Citizens of Humphreyville, please come to order.” She spoke in her most serious and important voice.

  “It is time to review the status of our community and the jobs you are all doing. As far as I can see, you all performed your duties as required yesterday, except for one of you. I’m afraid one of you neglected your responsibility and there could have been a disastrous outcome.”

  My fellow classmates were clearly surprised. I glanced at Miranda’s face—so totally innocent. I had to look away.

  I wondered if I could go back to live at Pet-O-Rama where I came from.

  “Miranda, you were in charge of Humphrey and Og yesterday.” Suddenly, nice Mrs. Brisbane turned into the unsmiling Mrs. Brisbane, the way she was when I first met her.

  “Yes,” Miranda answered.

  “Last night, Mr. Amato, the custodian, found Humphrey out of his cage. Luckily, he hadn’t fallen off the table and broken his neck and Aldo put him back in the cage and locked it. It’s obvious that you weren’t careful when you locked his cage yesterday.”

  Miranda looked as sick as I felt.

  “But I did lock the cage,” said Miranda. “I remember.”

  “Then how do you think Humphrey got out? Do you think someone else in this class unlocked the cage?”

  Miranda looked confused. “No, of course not.”

  “It was your responsibility. In the end, you are the one who is accountable.”

  Miranda was blinking hard. “I remember locking the cage,” she said softly.

  “YES, SHE DID!” I squeaked loudly, desperately wishing someone could understand me just this once.

  “BOING!” Og chimed in.

  Mrs. Brisbane ignored us. “I want you to think about how serious this is. Humphrey might have ended up stuck behind a cabinet or even gotten out in the hallway. We may have never found him again. He might even have starved to death.”

  My whiskers quivered and my body shivered until I remembered that I’d been out of my cage many times and none of those things had happened. In fact, I’d performed some pretty brave acts, if I do say so myself.

  “In a real community, a person who doesn’t do his or her job well gets fired. I’m afraid I’m going to have to fire you, Miranda.”

  “Oh, no!”

  Mandy’s hand shot up in t
he air and Mrs. Brisbane called on her. “You can get fired even if you’re good at your job. Like if your company closes down.”

  “That’s true, Mandy. That’s different. Miranda is losing her job because she didn’t fulfill her responsibilities,” said the teacher. “Now, Kirk, I’ll make you the Animal Keeper.”

  Kirk made a great roaring noise, like a lion. A few kids giggled.

  Mrs. Brisbane did not giggle. She frowned at Kirk and continued. “Art, you can be the Door Monitor. Miranda, you will get no points for this job, but I will give you another chance. You can take Art’s job as Energy Monitor. However, there will be consequences for your carelessness,” said the teacher.

  I knew Mrs. Brisbane wasn’t a bad person. She was a good person, but she was doing a bad thing.

  Miranda covered her face with her hands and we could all hear her crying.

  “What am I supposed to do?” asked Art.

  “Pay-Attention-Art,” said Mrs. Brisbane, who by now was in a very bad mood. “You will be in charge of opening and closing the door at recess, lunch and the end of the day,” she said. “Miranda, you may go to the rest-room and wash your face.”

  Miranda raced out of the room, sobbing.

  My heart was aching. I was afraid it was breaking. Because of me, Miranda was crying. Because of me, her grade had gone down.

  I was nothing but Trouble.

  Usually while my classmates eat lunch, I take a good nap. Today, I paced back and forth in my cage until Mrs. Brisbane came over. “Humphrey, let me check this lock.” Thank goodness, she unfastened the paper clip, unlocked my cage, then closed it again. She tested the door to make sure that the lock was securely fastened. As usual, it seemed to be locked.

  Mrs. Brisbane sighed. “I was hoping I was wrong. I was hoping the lock was broken. It’s not like Miranda to forget.”

  “You are making an unsqueakable mistake!” I yelled.

  The teacher chuckled. “Obviously you agree.”

  I did not!

  Just then, Miranda returned. Her eyes were red from crying. “Mrs. Brisbane, I’d like to apologize,” she said.

  “Thank you, Miranda. But I still have to switch your job.”