“No, Dad. I said the Trouserdown Guards, not the trouser down guards. It’s one word, not two.”
“Oh… the Trouserdown Guards. Yes. I have heard of them before. They come from the planet Green Cold Peppers.”
“Um… I’ve never heard of that planet, Dad. It’s not in any of my school text books.”
“No, son. It wouldn’t be. I traveled there by mistake via a teleporter many, many years ago. The planet is located many galaxies away from Earth.”
“Really?”
“Oh yes, Charlie. The natives of that planet were nice aliens. Probably the nicest aliens I’ve come across. A lot nicer than the Trouser-up aliens. The Trouser-up aliens were not nice at all.”
“What else do you know about the Trouserdown Guards? Is there anything that you know that might help us?”
“The Trouserdown Guards were also the same aliens that drove the meteor here in 1963, when one of the agency’s spies stopped them.”
“Well, they’re back, Dad! And they aren’t being very nice!”
“I gave them a present when I left their planet last time… let me think what that was…”
“We don’t have time for you to reminisce about your past, Dad. We are on a meteor heading straight for Earth, remember? We have to figure out a way to defeat the huge alien guards, or we can’t stop the meteor.”
“Oh yes… I remember now. I gave them 2000 pairs of extra-extra large trousers and 320,000 pairs of extra-extra large socks.”
“Why?”
“Because it is very cold on their planet, and their hands are to big to sew their own clothes. But they only get cold ankles. The rest of their bodies don’t feel the cold, it is just their ankles. So they wore the trousers around their ankles to keep them warm.”
“Great story Dad, but what do we do about this meteor? It has a force-field around it, remember?”
“Yes… Charlie, I have a plan that may help you. One of you will have to distract the Trouserdown Guards while the other turns off the force-field. Then we can steer the meteor away from Earth using the magnetic force of the steering control panel.”
“If we get to the force-field generator machine, how do we turn it off? Is there an off-switch?”
“There is no off-switch, Charlie. You will need to find the red wire on the force-field generator machine, and cut it. That will disrupt the electromagnetic fields from the generator and force it to self-destruct.”
“Got it.”
“And Charlie…”
“Yes, Dad?”
“Be careful. Those Trouserdown Guards might be dumb, but they are very, very strong.”
“Got it, Dad. I will call you again once the force-field generator machine has been turned off.”
“Good luck, Charlie.”
Hanging up the Intergalactic Communicator, I look over to Harley.
“We are not going home yet, are we?” Harley asks.
“No, Harley,” I shake my head. “We have to save planet Earth.”
“But how, Charlie? How can we possibly defeat those aliens?”
I place my hand on Harley’s shoulder, “The Trouserdown Guards are dumb. We know that. We will have to distract them long enough to turn off the force-field generator machine. Once we have done that, we can go home.”
Harley looks down to the ground.
“Why did I follow Charlie home today?” he whispers to himself. “I knew this was going to end badly. I should have just gone home and read more math text books.”
“Harley, you will need to distract the Trouserdown Guards while I try to turn off the force-field generator. Dad explained to me how to turn it off.”
“But-”
“There is no time to think, Harley. This isn’t a math test. We have to go and save planet Earth!”
Chapter 7
Saving Earth…
“Hi,” Harley quivers as he walks up to the alien guards.
The alien guards stare at Harley. They look like they want to tear him apart.
“Before you hit me, I want to know if you have heard the joke about the trousers?” Harley asks.
“Joke? No, we haven’t heard the joke about the trousers. We do not tell jokes on our planet. It is too cold for jokes, but we like jokes. They make us laugh,” the Trouserdown Guards reply. “Tell us the joke.”
“Um… ok. Now, l just have to remember the punchline…”
“Tell us!” the alien guard yells. “Tell us the joke!”
“Ok. Ok. Um… did you hear the joke about the alien with five legs?”
“No. We have not heard this joke.”
“The trousers fitted like a glove!” Harley laughs.
“Hahahaha!” one alien guard laughs.
“I don’t get it,” the dumb one says. “I do not understand the comedy in the joke.”
“Gloves have five fingers, so when you put trousers on an alien with five legs, they fit like a glove,” Harley explains.
“Oh, ok,” the Trouserdown Guard nods. “Tell us the joke again.”
“The same joke?” Harley questions. “I have other jokes I can tell you.”
“No! I want to hear the same joke!”
“Um, sure,” Harley shrugs. “Did you hear about the alien with five legs?”
“Yes! His trousers fitted like a glove! Hahahaha!” the Trouserdown Guards fall to the ground laughing together. “Hahahaha!”
The alien guards are definitely distracted now. Also, this is probably the first time anyone has ever laughed at Harley’s very bad jokes.
As Harley keeps the alien guards distracted, I sneak around the back of them and find the force-field generator machine.
“That was a very good joke,” one of the Trouserdown Guards says when they have finished laughing. “Tell us another joke.”
“Um, ok… What game does an alien love to play?” Harley says.
“I don’t know,” the alien guards reply. “What game does an alien love to play?”
“Astro-nauts and crosses.”
“Hahahaha!” the guards laugh again. “Another one. Another one!”
“What’s an alien’s favorite key on a keyboard?”
“What? What?” the Trouserdown Guards ask eagerly.
“The space bar!”
“Hahahaha!” they both fall down again. They love Harley’s jokes.
“What do aliens like to read?” Harley smiles.
“What?”
“Comet books!”
“Bahahahaha!”
What is wrong with those aliens? They must have a very unfunny planet if they find Harley’s jokes funny.
I don’t have long until Harley runs out of jokes. He can only keep them distracted for so long. I have to work fast.
While the Trouserdown Guards are lying on the ground laughing, I sneak behind the rocks towards the force-field generator machine.
This is my chance.
This is my opportunity to save Earth.
All I have to do is disable the force-field generator machine.
I reach the machine without being spotted by the alien guards. I swivel the side of it, and remove the panel to look at the controls.
Dad said I had to cut the red wire.
The red wire… the red wire… the red wire…
But I can’t see a red wire?
Oh no!
What do I do now?!
“What are you doing?!” an alien guard shouts.
Agh!
I look up and see one of the guards next to me.
No!
This is not good!
I haven’t turned off the force-field generator machine yet!
No!
WHACK!
The Trouserdown Guard thumps me with his arm, and I go flying across the meteor!
Ouch!
These guards are strong!
“Hey, you should leave me alone!” I say as he comes towards me again.
“Why?”
“Because I am just trying to fix your force-field generator
machine,” I try to trick the Trouserdown Guard. “It wasn’t sending the right signals outward, so I am just trying to recalibrate the machine to function correctly with all the accurate dynamics. I’m really not trying to disable it so that I can steer the meteor away from Earth.”
“Oh, ok,” the Trouserdown Guard stands aside, and lets me go back to the machine. “You can go and fix our machine.”
Yes!
I have tricked him!
Now, time to turn off the force-field generator…
WHACK!
Ouch!
The other Trouserdown Guard hits me!
“It’s ok,” the dumb one says to the other one. “He is just trying to fix the force-field generator machine. He really isn’t trying to disable it so that he can steer the meteor away from Earth.”
“No, he has tricked you!” the other Trouserdown Guard says. “He was going to disable it! We will have to punish him for his bad behavior!”
“Really?” the dumb one looks at me. “Were you trying to trick me by telling me a lie?”
“Noooo,” I reply.
“See?” he says to the other Trouserdown Guard. “He wasn’t trying to trick me. He was trying to fix it.”
“No! He is tricking you again!” the Trouserdown Guard shouts. “Do not let him trick you!”
Uh-oh.
The Trouserdown Guards look angry.
Even for aliens, they look angry.
Yep, there is no mistaking that look on their faces. It is definitely anger.
Today isn’t going the way I planned it.
I thought I would be sitting at home, pretending to study for my next math test while playing computer games.
Instead, I am on a meteor in space, about to be crushed by an alien that is wearing trousers around his ankles.
I definitely didn’t predict that.
The Trouserdown Guard reaches down to grab me.
Oh no.
I’m doomed…
Chapter 8
Wrestling an Alien Guard
The Trouserdown Guard grips his hand around my arm.
Ouch!
His grip is so strong!
I struggle against his arm, but it is no use. He is too tough.
It’s over.
I cannot defeat aliens this strong!
“Wait!”
It’s Harley!
“If you crash this meteor into Earth, then I will never get to learn the Modularity Theorem! That is not acceptable, and I cannot let that happen!!” Harley shouts at the alien guards.
The alien guards look confused.
I doubt they have studied the Modularity Theorem.
“Oh, do you mean the theorem that states any elliptic curve over Q can be obtained via a rational map with integer coefficients from the classical modular curve (N) for integer N and is a curve with integer coefficients with an explicit definition?” the dumb one asks.
“Um, yes,” Harley replies. “That is the theorem that I was talking about. How do you know that theorem?”
“I don’t.”
“But you just explained it?”
“Did I?” the guard looks at the other one. “Did I just explain that theorem?”
“I think so,” the other one scratches his chin. “I can’t remember now.”
Oh, wow.
I would hate to be partnered up with these guys on a school project.
“If you blow up Earth, then you will never have any more trousers,” Harley continues. “And that won’t solve your problem of cold ankles! You’ll have to live with cold ankles forever if you crash this meteor into Earth!”
“But if we can’t have the trousers, then nobody can!” the alien guard argues. “We will not allow anyone else in the universe to have the trousers!”
“Yeah!” the other alien guard agrees. “If we cannot have the trousers, then we must destroy them all!”
As the Trouserdown Guards are distracted by Harley, I manage to slip free!
Yes!
Time to take the guards out!
“Hey, Trouserdown Guards! It’s time to go home!” I yell as I ready my attack!
Then…
POW!
POW!
POW!
Yes!
I unload my best punch combo on the Trouserdown Guards!
Nobody would be able to withstand such a devastating attack!
Yes!
“Woo! We did it, Harley! We beat the aliens!” I start dancing in celebration of our awesome victory.
“Charlie,” Harley tugs on my arm as I dance. “Charlie?”
“What?”
“I don’t think you have defeated them.”
I stop celebrating, and turn around to look at the Trouserdown Guards.
What?
The Trouserdown Guards are not lying on their backs – they are just standing still and looking at me!
“Did you feel that?” one of them asks the other.
“Nope. Didn’t feel a thing,” the other one says.
What?
How could someone resist my crazy combo!
“Charlie, I don’t think they even felt that,” Harley whispers to me. “You didn’t even hurt them.”
“Maybe they can resist my three punch combo attack,” I stare at the Trouserdown Guards. “But they won’t be able to resist my mega ninja strike attack!”
And…
POW! CRACK! STRIKE!
BANG! TICKLE! BANGY BANG!
HUG! POW!
CUDDLE! BANG!
“Take that!” I puff at the end of my totally awesome attack combo.
Wow, that was hard work, but at least they are defeated now.
“Did you feel that combo?” the dumb Trouserdown Guard asks the other one.
“Um, nope. Still didn’t feel a thing.”
Aw, man.
They resisted my mega ninja strike attack combo!
They didn’t feel anything!
“We don’t feel pain,” the Trouserdown Guard says. “We did not feel your punches.”
Oh, come on!
They could have told me that before I wasted all of my energy trying to stop them!
“Charlie, what do we do now? You must have another plan, right? Right?” Harley hides behind me. “If you don’t have a plan, we’re wrecked, Charlie.”
“We’re not wrecked yet, Harley. We have to do something to stop them. My deadly combo attacks didn’t stop them, but there must be something we can do,” I say as I start to move back from the guards.
“It’s time for us to destroy you,” the Trouserdown Guards say.
No! What are we going do?!
I don’t have another plan!
We’re toast!
“But wait…” Harley tries to think of something else to say.
“Come on, Harley. Think of something really, really, really smart,” I mumble as the Trouserdown Guards hover over us. “
“I’ve got it!” Harley shouts.
This had better be good.
If not, then this meteor is going to crash into Earth!
Chapter 9
A Math Problem!
The meteor seems to be getting faster as we continue to head towards Earth.
We cannot let this meteor crash into Earth! We must turn off the force-field generator machine, and turn this lump of rock around!
But first, we must defeat the Trouserdown Guards!
“Wait!” Harley stops the guards.
“No,” they respond.
“Yes!” Harley yells back.
“No!”
“Yessy-yes!”
“Nooy-no!”
“Yessy-yessy-yes.”
“Nooy-nooy-no!”
“Yessy-yessy-yessy-yes.”
“Nooy-nooy-nooy-no!”
Hmmm. This could go on for a while.
“Stop it!” I stop the conversation from going any further. “Trouserdown Guards, you need to listen to what my friend Harley has to say. It is very important.”
Whatev
er he has to say, I hope it is good.
“So Trouserdown Guards, what do you need the trousers for?” Harley asks.
“To keep our ankles warm.”
“Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“And how many aliens are on your planet?” Harley continues.
“We have 400 residents on our very, very cold planet. However, our bodies are very tough and the only place we feel the cold is on our ankles.”
“Right. When Charlie’s Super Spy Dad landed on your planet, he gave you 2000 pairs of trousers. What happened to those?”
“We have used them all. We wear the trousers every day, and they got old, so we had to throw them out.”
“He also gave you 320,000 pairs of extra-extra large socks as a gift. What happened to the socks?”
“All those socks are still in their boxes. We don’t know what to do with them. They are useless to us.”
“The socks are for your ankles!” Harley shouts. “They are designed to keep your ankles warm! Look! I’m wearing astronaut socks now! They keep my ankles warm!”
“Ohhhh…” the alien guards say together. “We thought that the socks were for your ears. That didn’t feel very comfortable. And we don’t get cold ears, so we thought we didn’t need them.”
“But we don’t have enough socks for everyone,” the other Trouserdown Guard says. “We would run out of socks too quickly.”
“You have enough socks for everyone!” Harley states.
“No, we don’t. Everyone needs at least ten pairs of socks each. With 320,000 socks and 400 aliens, that’s… um… um… um…”
“You have 320,000 pairs of socks and 400 aliens… 320,000 divided by 400…” Harley does the math in his head. “That means you have 800 pairs of socks each!”
“800 pairs of ankle warming socks each?!” the alien guards ask in surprise. “So our ankles wouldn’t get cold?”
Diary of a Super Spy: Space! : (A hilarious adventure for children aged 9 - 12) Page 3