The Sound of Your Heart

by Laura Ward

  Jed shrugged. “A gift to the school should do it. Got it. What else?”

  My heart jumped, and eyes widened that it was easy as that. “You’re willing to do more?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “What else?”

  I squirmed in my seat. “All righty. So my best friends, Taren and Lex, are also involved with the program. Their two buddies, William and Stacy, are dating and would like to create a life together. They’re the cutest couple and so in love, but Stacy’s dad is a prick and won’t let them officially date. Lex has tried talking to Stacy’s dad on her behalf, but he insists that a relationship between Stacy and William is wrong. Which is ridiculous,” I muttered angrily out of the side of my mouth. “William is the sweetest, most gentle man in the world. Any father would be lucky to have a man like that love their daughter and want a future with her.”

  “What about you?” Jed asked, interrupting me. “Do you have a sweet, gentle man who wants a future with you?”

  My eyes widened in surprise before I could rein in my reaction. “Uh. I used to.” I shook my head to chase away the thoughts I’d buried deep inside. “I screwed it up.”

  Jed shrugged and put his hands out to the side. “So fix it.”

  “It’s not that easy.” I shrugged. “Not everything that’s broken can be put back together. And even if it could, that doesn’t mean it should be.” My words became clipped and angry as I finished.

  He held up his hands in front of his chest like he wanted to protect himself from my wrath. “Okay, I get it. It’s none of my business. Let’s get back to your friends.”

  I opened my mouth to speak as a waitress approached the table with an enormous tray. I leaned back as she unloaded a massive number of dishes onto our table—a turkey club and fries, tuna salad sandwich and chips, grilled Reuben and tater tots, and a cheeseburger with a side of onion rings. She also placed glasses of iced tea, soda, and water in front of us.

  “Can I getcha anything else, handsome?” The waitress was a bit haggard, and chomped loudly on gum, but gave her best flirty look to Jed.

  “Check back in five, yeah?” Jed answered her without looking up. His attention remained focused on me.

  The waitress grumbled something low as she walked away.

  “How can I help William and Stacy?” he asked, returning to our conversation.

  I bit the corner of my lip to keep from revealing too much of my hope. “I talked with Darren yesterday. He made calls to the agency that helps find group homes for individuals with special needs. That would be perfect for William and Stacey. The problem is, there is a long waitlist right now and there isn’t any money for the agency to add new homes or even apartment leases. And while Stacy is on the waitlist, she’s too far down. The only option is for her family or friends to raise the money for a place for her to live. I was thinking of organizing a fundraiser to help her out.”

  Jed’s face was serious. “Righteous. No problem. We’ll do a show. Excess Wreckage will headline, and all profits will go to getting Stacy a home away from her asswipe dad. Good?”

  My mouth fell open. Was it all that easy for him?

  “You’re going to put on a show, just like that?”

  He shrugged. “Just like that.”

  He grinned at me as if all was settled and gestured to the food in front of us. “What plate do you want? I ordered a variety because I wasn’t sure what you like to eat.” He motioned to the sandwiches in front of him.

  “No,” I shook my head and looked around for our flirty waitress. “I’ll order a salad.”

  “Salad?” Jed reared back. “Why? Did you already eat lunch?” He picked up an onion ring and folded it into his mouth.

  My mouth watered at the smell of the food wafting up from the table. “No, but I try to watch my calories. I’m very careful about what I eat. Nikki sort of ingrained that in me.” I omitted the part about saving extra calories for my alcohol indulgences because I hadn’t felt the need to drink since before Ben left.

  There was nothing to celebrate. No desire to let loose. And there was too much pain for alcohol to ever dull. If I’d learned one thing from being with Ben, it was that I liked post-Ben Julie better than pre-Ben Jules. I wasn’t ever going back to the way I used to deal with my problems and worries.

  Jed clenched his jaw, moving it back and forth. “Listen to me. You’re beautiful now and you’d be beautiful with twenty pounds on you. Guys like to be around girls who don’t make food their enemy. Now come on. Eat with me. Be you. Not a pretend version of you or who anyone else wants you to be.” He grimaced in thought. “Especially not who Nikki wants you to be.”

  I looked into my father’s eyes for a long moment. When tears started to form, I blinked them away and blew out a breath.

  “Okay.” My voice sounded scratchy. Jed frowned, this time looking more pissed.

  I realized that even though I’d let go of Nikki, I hadn’t truly let go of all the bad and unhealthy habits I’d learned from her.

  “Okay,” I said again, deciding to take a step forward instead of always taking one back and walking the same path over and over again. “Can I have half of the turkey and half of the Rueben? I can’t choose between them.”

  A slow smile formed on Jed’s face and he pushed both plates my way. He picked up the cheeseburger with both hands and took a huge bite. He chewed, watching my eyes flutter shut in contentment as I tasted the perfectly made Reuben.

  I swallowed and pointed to the array of beverages, my eyebrows raised in question. His expression was amused, and he winked when I took the soda and sipped from the straw.

  “After we finish lunch we can head over to The Shell. Jimmy owes me. I’ll get him to give us the space for a benefit concert at the end of the month. Sound good?”

  Blood raced through my veins and I felt my adrenaline kick back in with an unfamiliar surge of happiness. After I broke up with Ben, I was crushed. When I finally accepted that I’d truly lost him, that pain had been replaced by a numb emptiness. But now there was a spark of something that could make my heart smile again.

  Maybe it was impossible for me to be the girl Ben deserved, but I could be the good deed that my friends needed. If I let Jed help me and I worked hard enough, I could do something for people who truly needed it.

  And for the first time in a very long time, I felt hope. Hope that I could be a better person, a better friend. And even more surprising, hope for a relationship with a father who was willing to fly out to see me. Because I needed him.

  ***

  “What do you mean you already took the SATs?” I snapped. The six of us sat around a table in the Union, but my question was solely for Darren.

  “Promise you won’t get pissed off, Jules.” Darren fidgeted in his chair and my scowl turned suspicious.

  “I make no promises.” I crossed my arms, lips pursed as I waited.

  He rolled his eyes proving he wasn’t scared of me in the slightest. “Back in high school, kids were…well, they were less than accepting. And as you know, I’ve got a filthy mouth and a quick tongue. I pissed people off. So I made a bet with one of the biggest assholes in the school. He’d stop dumping my lunch tray in my lap if I got a better score on the SATs than he did.” Darren snort-laughed. “The arrogant prick thought I was retarded.” He used air quotes around the offensive word.

  My eyes narrowed to slits. “I don’t even need to ask if you did better than him. The question is how much better?”

  “Top secret info. I don’t want to make our resident smarty pants feel bad, okay?” He jerked his chin in Lex’s direction. She cocked her head to the side and smirked. “Let’s just say, college acceptance is not an issue.”

  My hands formed fists and I pounded them on the table in frustration. “Then why the hell aren’t you in college right now?”

  Darren looked at William and Stacy, sitting next to each other holding hands. William gave him a small smile of understanding. Darren turned his gaze back to me.

  “S
ometimes when you go so long without anyone believing in you, you stop believing in yourself too. It gets too exhausting to keep caring. You’re afraid to try because failing when you’re like this”—he gestured to himself—“is expected.” He shrugged his shoulders. “What does it matter anyway, Jules? Who cares if I go to college? What difference will it make? I get plenty of hot chicks without a diploma.” His tone turned light at the end, but I still heard the catch in his voice.

  The thing was, he wasn’t alone. We all knew how crippling pain could be, how negativity could make us want to give up.

  Taren lacked self-confidence in high school because of bullying. Lex denied herself things she wanted because the loss of a loved one had made her too afraid to take risks. I let Nikki’s poor mothering skills define who I was, and it shaped how I treated myself. Stacy suffered the love of an overbearing parent who didn’t trust her with the freedom to have a relationship with the one she loved.

  We were Darren’s people. Whether he knew it or not, we understood what it was like to feel less than, and we were the ones who cared that he went to college. We were the ones who wanted him to have the things he deserved. We wanted the world to know how great he was and all the things he could do.

  “Darren, it matters to me. It matters to all of us. We have all struggled too. The difference is, we listened to our friends. We allowed their love for us into our lives. You need to do this for yourself. And you’re going to do it knowing that the five of us are behind you.”

  His jaw clenched to hold back the emotion that I could see storming in his expression.

  “This is one of those moments we need a group handshake.” Stacy stood up and walked over to Darren’s chair, placing her hand flat on the middle of the table in front of Darren. “I’ll settle for all hands in.”

  William followed, placing his hand sideways on top of hers. Taren reached across, adding to the pile. Lex joined hers, and then me. We all looked to my buddy.

  A laugh stuttered out of him. “You are all lame as fuck. Maybe I’ll finally meet some cool pals when I start school in the fall.” His good hand landed at the top. “You win, okay. You all win. I’ll bless the University of Maryland with my one-of-a-kind good looks, okay?”

  “Gooooo team, best buddies!” Stacy cheered, and we lifted our hands. Stacy and William hugged Darren, but I met the eyes of my sisters.

  The love from my friends had changed my life. I could only hope to pay that same love forward every chance I got.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Julie

  “I don’t want to make that massive head of yours any bigger than it already is, but this kicks ass.” Darren stretched his neck to peer out the window where we could see the line of people waiting to enter The Shell and see Excess Wreckage.

  I leaned over and bumped my shoulder against his. “Hey, when it comes to planning a party, I’ve got mad skills. This was easy.” I snapped my fingers. “Have you ever tried to plan Homecoming events with a fraternity?” I rolled my eyes and curled my lip in disgust. “I’d rather plan a wedding for Nikki than ever do that again.”

  Darren laughed. “A wedding for Nikki? Good luck tricking a man into that horror show.”

  “Seriously.” I stood up and leaned over the table so I could rearrange the stack of shirts along the front edge. I was nervous and excited, and I wanted to survive the night with everything going perfectly.

  True to his word, Jed had talked the owner of The Shell into letting us hold our fundraiser at the bar. In a way, it was sad to be surrounded by so many memories of Ben since The Shell was where I met him, but it was also strangely comforting. I was coming full circle. When our story began, I was self-centered, self-indulgent, and clueless. Now our story was over, I had moved on and was trying to do something good. I missed him and there was a piece of my heart that would never heal from losing him, but I wasn’t giving up. I would be the best version of me whether he was around or not.

  This show was my pride and joy, and even though I was cracking jokes with Darren, tonight was important. We were calling the event Excess Love in honor of the Good Buddies housing program we were hoping to support through the proceeds. The bar kept all the profits on the liquor and food they sold, but we got to keep the ticket sales and we had a table set up to sell merchandise. Jed had donated Excess Wreckage t-shirts, but I also had one-of-a-kind Excess Love shirts made for the event. The band had even gone out of their way to sign them for us, so my fingers were crossed that they’d sell like hotcakes. If not, I was going to be wearing Excess Love t-shirts for the rest of the foreseeable future.

  In an effort to ignore the absence of Ben in my life, I’d immersed myself into planning every little detail of this show. This event wasn’t even over, and I was already brainstorming other events we could have to raise funds for our Excess Love charity. There was so much good that could be done with just a little elbow grease.

  “I’m proud of you, Jules. You’re finally using your powers for good.” Darren gave me a smartass smirk and a waggle of his eyebrows, but his words wavered with emotion. It was nice to do something that earned a smile from him instead of an indulgent shake of his head.

  “That’s not what you said when you were filling out the paperwork for the student loans,” I teased him.

  He groaned. “Dude. I’m not sure letting you talk me into college was a good idea after all. I stopped reading that student loan garbage after the third page. I’m pretty sure when I signed my name at the bottom, I either sold my soul or my firstborn. I’m doomed.”

  Despite his words, I could tell he was excited to have the chance to attend the university. He may not have thought he needed the opportunity, but I needed the chance to help him get it. He was going to knock the University of Maryland on its ass.

  I laughed and glanced at the clock on my phone. My stomach was host to a tornado of butterflies. The show was about to start, and the main room was almost filled to capacity already. There was a long line of people still waiting to get in.

  “We’re going to have to turn people away,” I said, grumpily. “We should have gotten a bigger venue.”

  “Next time,” Lex said, coming up behind me and dropping a box of shirts on the floor. I turned to see that she had returned with Taren, Alec, and Caz, along with the last four boxes of merchandise I’d left in my car.

  I stood up and pulled her into a hug. “Thanks for getting these. We may not need them, but—” I shrugged, not wanting to contemplate the thought of having to take back four boxes of Excess Love shirts to the sorority house.

  “Hush,” Lex said. “As soon as people realize this is back here, we’ll sell out in no time. They’re all jockeying for room close to the stage, but no one will want to leave without a shirt.”

  “Hey.” Caz touched my elbow and I turned to face him. “Alec and I have to go, but we wanted you to have this.” He took my hand and shoved something in it before closing my fingers over it.

  “What is it?” I opened my fist and looked at the wad of bills he’d placed into my palm. My gaze darted up to Caz and then to Alec, who wasn’t paying attention. He was already saying his goodbyes to Taren and making plans to meet up with her after the show.

  “Caz?” I asked, holding the money up in disbelief.

  He shrugged. “We wanted to show our support since we can’t stay for the show.”

  The unfamiliar burn of gratitude welled behind my eyes. Alec and Caz worked hard for their money, and I knew it was sometimes difficult for them to make ends meet. Their generosity meant everything to me and it was what this show was supposed to be about.

  I threw my arms around Caz. At first, he stiffened in surprise, but he eventually relaxed into the hug and squeezed me back.

  “I can’t tell you how much this means to me,” I told him. “And after everything that happened—”

  I couldn’t finish my thought and say Ben’s name out loud, so I squeezed tighter. I was touched that even though I’d hurt one of his best friends
, Caz was still willing to help me and my cause.

  He whispered in my ear. “What you’re doing for William and Stacy is amazing. That’s what life is all about, isn’t it?”

  I pulled back to look at him and gave him a sad smile. “Being selfless?”

  He shook his head. “No. Love. It’s all about love.” He patted me on my head like I was five years old. He turned to slap Alec on the back. “Let’s go, Romeo. Taren’s lips will be available after the show. We’ve got a date with the gym.”

  I watched as they left. When the first round of customers approached the table, I faced them with a smile on my face. Caz was right. Life was all about love. And right now, I was focusing on loving my friends.

  ***

  “You have an impossibly cool dad,” Taren said, staring toward the stage in disbelief.

  We could barely see past all the people, but we could hear fine.

  Hell, half of College Park could probably hear Excess Wreckage. Last time I peeked out the window, the cops had come to shut down a section of Route 1 and reroute traffic around the block because people were spilling over the sidewalks and into the streets trying to get a glimpse of the band. The people outside didn’t seem to care whether they were inside or not. They were singing right along with the music. I’d gone outside with Taren to peddle some shirts and sold all of them within minutes.

  “Yeah,” I said, allowing myself a small smile. “He invited me to come home with him for a visit while he’s on break from the tour. He’s going to introduce me to my brother and sister. I mean, they’re half, but still,” I added sheepishly.

  I was still giddy with the prospect of going with Jed and meeting his wife and kids. Nervous, yes, but Jed said they’d known about me for years and were as curious and excited as I was. I couldn’t believe I had the chance at a family. I didn’t even care if it was patched up and weird and unconventional.

  Lex slipped her hand in mine and squeezed. “That’s awesome. You deserve people who will love you unconditionally.”