I started beating my fists against the bars at his answer. “Bring him back to me!” I screamed.
There must have been something unsettling in my face, because Gage actually looked worried. I didn’t think it was possible, but he looked shocked at my reaction. “You need to control your emotions,” he said. “You are beside yourself. Now, I want you to rest, and Caleb will bring you some dinner and a cot. Get your strength back, and when you’re feeling more civilized, you can go back to your friends.”
“Bring him back,” I begged, falling to my knees.
Gage turned and walked away. Caleb stood there, watching me in silence.
“Bring Luke back…please bring him back…” I sobbed, covering my hands over my face. Despair so strong I could taste it washed over me, dampening what small hope I had. My shoulders shook, my whole body trembled.
I sat in the dirt and cried until my eyes were swollen and dry. When I looked up again, I was alone.
* * *
I was walking through the field I’d been in so often before—the one where I revived Gage’s zombies. A storm had broken overhead, and heavy rain plastered my hair and clothes.
Normally the air in the field buzzed with energy and I could feel ghostly spirits, but not now. The world around me was calm and tranquil—except for the storm raging above. Without warning, lightning struck the ground a few feet from where I stood. Run for cover! a part of me screamed, but another part of me was past caring about my safety.
That’s when I saw a light shining brightly over by some distant trees. Luke? I made my way through the curtain-like rain, crying out Luke’s name as I went. As I got closer to the trees, I could make out a shape silhouetted by a white light blazing in the distance.
“Luke?”
I started to run, ignoring the fat raindrops pelting me. When I was only a few feet away, the figure turned so I could see its profile.
It was his true face, the face I’d fallen in love with, the face he had when I first met him. Luke. His blond hair hung down to his collar, and he wore a black tank top with a red phoenix on the front. I could see the scar running down his left shoulder. It was Luke. My Luke.
He faced me head-on, and we stood there looking at each other for a while before he said something I couldn’t hear. His words drifted away on the wind. He lifted his hand in a sad gesture of farewell, and then turned to walk toward the warm, faraway light. But as soon as he moved, the light changed and became black, roiling, and angry. Dark tentacles shot out, orange and red flames rose up, and I heard screams of agony. Despite the signs of evil, Luke seemed unaware of the danger he was heading into and kept walking forward.
“Stop, don’t you see the flames? Can’t you hear the screams? You’re walking into hell! Luke!” I screamed out his name, trying to warn him, but he didn’t stop. He walked forward until the tentacles reached out and grabbed him. Only then did I hear his voice as he cried out my name.
“Colina! Help!”
He begged me to save him as the darkness sucked him away.
* * *
I opened my eyes, bringing the dirt floor of my cell into close focus. Terrific. A new nightmare to add to my collection. The nightmares seemed to come now even if I was awake, flashing over me with waves of electric panic and crushing horror. I had lost too much, sacrificed too much—it seemed like I had nothing left. The loss of my family had left a huge hollow in my heart, but it was a hollow Luke had filled.
Now that he was gone, I felt…empty.
Everyone I once cared about seemed to be falling like leaves from a tree. First my family and now Luke… Any relationship of mine was toxic, and the evil that seemed to follow me was hardest on those I was closest to. Their suffering seemed designed to hurt me, to turn me into something so damaged that vicious evil became an attractive option. Would I ever be able to close my eyes again without seeing those dark tentacles reaching out for Luke, trapping him in the depths of hell? I felt as though all the strength had been sapped from every inch of me thanks to the spreading, numbing cold. Feeling completely defeated, I lay with my cheek on the floor.
The sound of someone clearing their throat made me glance up. Caleb stood by the bars, holding a tray of food and looking as if he wanted to say something. Jacob stepped into the room behind him, and Caleb’s eyes swung from his brother back to me. Without a word, he unlocked my cell’s door and walked in. He moved close enough to me that I felt I needed distance and scooted away.
“Here,” he said, putting the tray next to me. “I brought you something to eat.”
“Are you going to gloat?” I asked, not really caring if he answered.
He studied me in silence.
I got to my feet and put myself in front of him, but he didn’t move a muscle. As he watched me, I noticed his eyes fill with an emotion I couldn’t quite read. After a tense beat, he finally spoke. “Your food’s getting cold.”
Then he turned and walked away.
* * *
They escorted me back into the house two days later. Dean was sitting on the piano bench, drumming his fingers against the keys. A pretty melody filled the air.
They tuned the piano, I thought as I staggered into the room.
I felt numb, as though I wasn’t really inside my body—as if I were on the outside, somewhere far away, watching myself from a distance. My limbs moved and my body functioned, but the rest of me wasn’t really present.
Dean turned, spied me, and immediately stilled his fingers on the keys. Before I could blink, he was up on his feet and moving toward me. His arms wrapped around me tightly.
I don’t feel anything.
I stayed in his arms for a long while until he finally let go and led me to the nearest chair. “Colina, I made a pot of hot tea. Do you want some?” he asked as he gently guided me into the chair. “They brought us tea and coffee.”
A part of me noticed he wasn’t wearing the collar anymore—he didn’t need to. I wasn’t going to escape. I stood there looking at him, but I felt like I wasn’t really there. I felt numb. I could see his mouth moving and a part of me understood what he was saying, but I just couldn’t work up the energy to respond.
Dean leaned back and wiped tears from my cheeks. “It’s okay. Don’t cry. Everything will be okay.”
Am I crying? I thought dully. I could no longer feel the tears. I was numb to the world, numb to everything around me. Dean kept whispering reassurances as he watched me. He kept saying it would be okay. But I knew it wouldn’t. It would never be okay again. I’d sacrificed so much to keep Luke by my side. I’d gone against nature’s and man’s laws. I’d gone against everything I’d been brought up to believe in.
And now Luke was gone, and I was all alone again.
I felt a soft touch against my cheek. “Colina? They took Wendy. She’s been gone for days.” Dean’s fingers were wiping my tears away. His face was close, his eyes full of concern. His dropped his hand and reached down to mine, interlacing our fingers. “They want to make sure you’ll stay in line. We’re alone—well, except for the occasional bodyguard.” He looked over at the door and I followed his gaze.
Caleb was watching us, and for a split second I thought I saw something in his eyes—a flash of jealousy? It couldn’t be. I knew how Caleb felt about me. I looked closer, but whatever he’d felt was gone from his face, his expression once again hard and cold. He turned and walked out, slowly closing the door behind him.
“They brought food. We even have cake. Chocolate.” Dean touched my cheek again, and his fingers came away streaked with dirt. I knew he was trying to comfort me. I knew he worried about me. Yet all I could do was sit in front of him, so full of sadness I could barely function.
His eyes lit up. “I know—I’ll run you a hot bath. It’ll make you feel better.”
I looked down, seeing dirt in my hair, on my clothes, smeared across my skin. And yet I still couldn’t move. I felt frozen in place.
Time passed. I watched Dean make a half-dozen trips back an
d forth, hauling water from the well. After a while he stood in front of me again. He scooped me into his arms and carried me to the kitchen, gently putting me down in front of the bathtub.
I watched the steam rising off the surface of the water.
Dean started to move away, but then stopped. He looked into my face, his fingers touching my cheek again. “Colina? Say something… You’re starting to freak me out.”
I forced myself to speak. “I—I’m…fine.” My lips were trembling. It took all my energy to get those words out.
He nodded. Relief filled his eyes. “You’re covered in dirt.”
I still made no move. I was like a frozen statue.
“If Wendy was here—” He stopped, a considering look crossing his features. After a moment of clear deliberation, he seemed to make up his mind. He reached out and grasped the hem of my shirt, lifting it slowly. “Here… Let me help you.”
I could tell he was uncomfortable and embarrassed, and I should have been, too. He was undressing me. But I simply stood emotionless as he took off my top and tugged down my jeans with his eyes averted, until finally I stood beside him in only my bra and underwear.
“Well, I need to…” He kept his eyes turned away and slipped behind me. Deft fingers unclasped my bra and lowered my underwear.
I should have been scandalized—I didn’t have a stitch of clothing on. And yet, I didn’t react.
Dean guided me from behind into the tub and lowered me down into the water, and I felt something for the first time. The heat hit the burn on my leg. It was still a bit raw, with blisters at the edge. There was pain, but I welcomed it—it felt good to feel something at last.
Dean picked up a bar of soap and lathered it up in both hands. It was almost comical how he tried to look away while lifting my right arm out of the water and starting to clean. I was all too aware of the glances he was giving me out of the corner of his eye and I should have been embarrassed—I should have been scrambling to cover myself—but instead I just lay back and let him soap me up. He gently washed my face and leaned me forward so he could reach my back. His fingers were soft and reassuring as they glided across my naked skin.
I closed my eyes and let the warm water soak into my cold limbs. When he started to wash my hair, a sigh escaped my lips.
This time Dean didn’t glance away, but instead looked directly at me and gave a smile. “Are you finally coming back to the land of the living?”
I’m still in the land of the living…but Luke isn’t. The heartache was so intense I began to quietly sob again.
A look of panic filled Dean’s face when I began to openly cry. He quickly rinsed my hair and then helped me out of the tub. I stood next to him without any clothes on, dripping wet and weeping.
A towel suddenly moved roughly across my body, startling me, and the scrubbing motion finally made my tears stop. Dean gently wrapped the towel around me and securely tucked it into place, partially covering my nakedness. My hair was still wet, though, and drops of water slid down my bare shoulders.
But I wasn’t the only wet one; water had sloshed out from the tub as Dean washed me, soaking his shirt and pants. He followed my gaze down, gave a laugh, and then pulled his shirt over his head.
He stood before me, shirtless, and my eyes focused on those muscular arms—arms that had often held me tight. Back at the asylum his body was muscular, but on the thin side. The guy who stood in front of me now had bulked up in a matter of weeks. How did he get so strong so fast? Maybe it all had something to do with his berserker magic. My gaze slid across his chest and down his surprisingly ripped stomach, and a hum of wanting filled my body—the need for human contact.
I want, for one moment, to feel safe in those arms.
My eyes swung up to his face. Those blue eyes were staring back at me—they weren’t the dark, complex gray I preferred, but they were nice all the same.
We looked at each other for a long moment before Dean cleared his throat and gave me a smile.
Now that I had a towel on he didn’t try to avert his eyes. Those blue eyes were taking in every inch of me, scanning down my shoulders and arms…
He suddenly blurted, “What the hell is that?” He was staring openly at my leg.
I didn’t respond. His fingers hovered over the skin of my thigh, just above the burn Caleb gave me. “Did Gage hurt you?” he demanded.
I stayed silent.
His eyes were full of anger. “I swear I’ll kill him for hurting you.”
Seemingly of their own accord, my fingers reached up and slid across his lips. I wanted to feel them against mine.
It isn’t wrong to let him hold me and comfort me for just a moment, is it? I want to feel something…
I pulled him toward me and kissed him.
For one brief second he didn’t react, but then his hands wrapped around me and he kissed me back. There was no calm in this kiss; Dean was full of need and want. He pulled me hard against his body, kissing me again and again.
I answered each kiss with a ferocity of my own. Gone was the emptiness inside me. Suddenly that emptiness was filled with desire. My arms came up around his neck. A part of me was yelling that I was crazy, that I should stop, but I wanted only to feel, to be alive again.
And then Dean swept me up into his arms and carried me down the hallway into the bedroom. He lowered me onto the bed, ignoring the fact that we were both still wet. His broad hands brushed through my dripping hair to glide down my throat and across my naked shoulders. I didn’t allow myself to think anymore. I just enjoyed the feeling of his fingers sliding over my skin.
I leaned up and kissed him, pressing my body into his. I just gave in, closing my eyes and accepting the pressure of his mouth on mine. I relished the feeling of his hands skimming over my skin, moving up and down my body. I could feel the heat radiating off him. I felt so cold, so empty inside. The warmth of his body against mine felt so good. And that’s all I wanted—to feel something more than grief. More than this deep, terrifying loneliness.
His lips were crushing mine—like he was demanding something from me—and I gave in to all my emotions. Gave in to feeling again. I sighed with pleasure at his touch, knowing that, at any minute, those fingers would pull the towel away. I would lay naked before him. I would give in to all the desires racing through me, wrong and ill-fitting as they were.
And then, without warning, he jerked away. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” he said, though the desire in his eyes contradicted his words.
I pulled him back toward me, but he resisted.
“It’s not right,” he whispered. “If we do this now, you’ll regret it later.” His voice was husky, his hands visibly shaking as he removed them from my thighs, instead gripping his own.
I know he wanted me. “Please,” I begged. I just wanted to forget. I wanted one moment when the world around me would fade away.
Dean shuffled back and sat on the edge of the bed. He was looking at me, his eyes pleading with me to understand, but I just lay there staring up at him. I willed him to take me back into his arms before I lost my nerve.
“I don’t want this to happen between us, not like this. Not until you’re ready.” He suddenly looked resolved and pushed himself away from the bed.
“I’m ready now…I want to be with you,” I said. But was it true?
I felt emotionally raw, like I might break into a million pieces at any second, and all I wanted was his strong arms around me. I wanted to forget everything. I wanted to be carried away.
Dean’s eyes hungrily took all of me in. I had no doubt about his feelings for me. It was evident in the way he held himself so rigidly, he was trying to do the noble thing. He held himself still, frozen in place, and I could see his internal struggle play across his face. “Colina…” That one word held so much emotion. I could hear his need. “I want you, but not like this. Not when…he’s still between us.”
Luke. Thinking of his name brought me back, like I was slowly coming to the surface aft
er being underwater. I looked up at Dean. Then the realization of what I’d done hit me. I’d thrown myself at Dean in an attempt to run from my grief—an action that Dean didn’t deserve. Tears welled up in my eyes as Dean watched me for a long moment before rising and leaving the room.
As soon as he passed the doorway, I collapsed back on the bed and let the tears come. I cried until nothing but dry sobs were left. I lay there, feeling lost and hopeless.
And then the mattress dipped as a body sat on its edge.
It was Dean, fully dressed.
“Luke is…gone,” I whispered, meeting his eyes. Luke was gone, and so was the future I’d chased for so long.
“I know.” He wiped a tear off my cheek. “I’m going to hold you now. Just hold you. Let me be here for you.” He leaned back against the bed, opening up his arms.
I gratefully sank into them.
* * *
I woke up alone in my bed the next morning. My face burned as I thought about what happened the night before. What had almost happened. Luke had only been gone a few days, and I was throwing myself into Dean's arms. I felt ashamed of my behavior. But I realized deep down a part of me felt disappointed. My fingers went to my temples. My head was full of so many confusing thoughts and feelings.
I was laying on the bed, still naked beneath my rumpled towel, when none other than Sonja sauntered in carrying a tray full of food. Her eyes roved over my state of undress and then flew to the imprint of a body next to me in the mussed sheets. She smiled like a Cheshire cat. “It’s good to see you moving on so quickly.” She chuckled as she put the tray down on the dresser.
I got off the bed and reached into the cupboard to grab a black robe. I wrapped myself in it and tried to keep the shame I felt from showing, but I wasn’t doing a very good job. The minute I turned back around to face her, a I could feel a blush bloom on my cheeks.
This time she really let out a laugh, lifting her hands in surrender. “Who am I to judge? The boy’s fine. If I were stuck alone in here with him, I would have done the same thing.”
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