by Dan Gutman
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
Mr. Murphy liked my essay a lot, and he even read it out loud to the class. So then, of course, the next day, Snik came in with his stupid essay.
WHAT IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD?
by Sam Dawkins
If women ran the world, it would be horrible. Toilet seats would be down all the time. They would probably cancel the Super Bowl and replace it with some lame ice-skating show. There would be no more heavy-metal music, and hip-hop would be so boring.
If women ran the world, we would have to hug each other all the time. You could never drink anything out of a bottle anymore. You’d have to pour your drink into a cup for no good reason. And if you put the cup down on the table without a coaster, they’d probably throw you in jail for life. Guys would be put in prison for wiping their nose on their sleeve. Forget about spitting anywhere. We would have to swallow our saliva, which is way more disgusting than spitting it out. You wouldn’t be allowed to wear T-shirts and jeans anymore. Everybody would have to get dressed up nicely all the time. We’d spend hours fussing with our hair and spend every weekend visiting relatives. There would be no more cool cars. They would probably ban paintball, professional wrestling, NASCAR, and anything else that’s cool. We’d have to sit around and drink tea and bow to each other. Nothing good would ever be on TV. You’d flip through the channels and it would be all soap operas and cooking shows. All movies would be musicals, with dancing, and everybody would end happily ever after with a couple kissing and walking off into the sunset. The only thing you could talk about would be how much you weigh.
MR. MURPHY. SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER
What could I do? I gave both of them an A.
Anyway, Halloween was coming up, and I wanted it to be more than just the usual candy grab. So I assigned the class to pick a costume that had something to do with flying or aviation or the space program. They had to research it and give an oral report, in costume, on Halloween.
BRENTON DAMAGATCHI. GRADE 6
I dressed up like Wernher von Braun. He was a German rocket scientist who was brought to the United States after World War II. He joined NASA and helped design the Saturn V rocket. We probably never would have reached the moon if it hadn’t been for Wernher von Braun. Some people call him the father of the United States space program.
It occurred to me that if aliens from outer space were ever to come to Earth, the best time to do it would be Halloween because all the humans are dressed up in weird costumes and nobody would notice the aliens. They wouldn’t even need disguises.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
I dressed up like Sally Ride. In 1983, she became the first American woman in outer space. She also helped develop the robot arm they used on the space shuttle.
We can’t do much trick-or-treating around here, because there aren’t many houses. So we had a Halloween party at school and everybody brought candy. It’s not quite the same as going door to door, but it’s fun and better than nothing. I don’t like to eat too much candy anyway, because it is fattening and bad for your teeth.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
I dressed up in a squirrel monkey costume. Everybody was all mad because they said monkeys don’t have anything to do with space. But I told them that before people were sent up in orbit, we sent up a bunch of monkeys to see if they could survive. Some of them died, but this monkey named Baker was one of the first living creatures to go to space and come back to Earth safely. So I dressed up like Baker for Halloween. Ha!
I looked all this stuff up. Baker actually lived to be twenty-seven years old, and he’s buried at the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama.
Okay, I admit it. I just wanted to dress up like a monkey. What’s wrong with that? Why does everything have to be a learning experience, anyway? Can’t we just have fun at school once in a while?
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
I dressed up like a witch. I dress up like a witch every Halloween, and I wasn’t about to change this year. Mr. Murphy was going to give me a bad grade because he said I ignored the assignment. But I told him that witches fly on broomsticks, so technically my costume did have something to do with aviation.
MR. MURPHY. SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER
What could I do? I gave out As to kids who dressed up like witches and monkeys.
Chapter 3
November
BRENTON DAMAGATCHI. GRADE 6
I couldn’t stop thinking about the blinking light and the chip that controlled it. It was still out there somewhere. That Milner guy kept e-mailing me and asking if I had found it yet. I didn’t like that guy.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
I bought another Estes rocket called Blue Ninja. It was beautiful, around thirty inches tall, with a D engine, and colored fins and nose cone. Brenton and I put it together real carefully, making sure all the electrical stuff was in right this time. Then we took it out to the field and set it up. We did the countdown, I pushed the button, and the thing shot up like…like a rocket! I mean, it went up perfectly. I don’t know exactly how high it got, but the box said 780 feet.
Then, just like it said on the box, the parachute popped out and the rocket floated back down to us. Oh man, that was a beautiful sight! We were all yelling and screaming, like we had won the lottery or something. Way cool. I was hooked on model rockets.
MR. MURPHY. SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER
I was thrilled when the kids came in and told me about Sam’s model rocket. Boys like Sam need a passion in life they can get excited about. Otherwise, they get into trouble. And rocketry is an excellent hobby. That’s what I did when I was a kid, and it took me all the way to a career at NASA.
This was one of those magical “teachable moments.” I could use their interest in rocketry to teach them about electricity, geometry, math, physics, earth science, weather, the environment, you name it. It’s always good to sneak in a little learning when the kids least expect it.
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
Yeah, shooting stuff up in the air is cool.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
Mr. Murphy started a rocketry club at school. Snik and Brenton were the only ones who signed up, and the principal said you need at least three participants to have a club. So Kelsey and I signed up too, even though, as I said before, I have mixed feelings about rockets. I just wanted the boys to have their club.
I must admit it was pretty neat watching the rocket launch. You have to be really careful, though. The boys didn’t want to read the safety warnings, but I did. When you launch a rocket, everybody has to back away a certain number of feet, depending on the power of the engine. You need to have a blast deflector to prevent the exhaust from hitting the ground. I never realized the countdown had a purpose. You do it to make sure everyone is paying attention. And if the engine fails or misfires, you’re supposed to remove the safety interlock, disconnect the battery, and wait sixty seconds before you approach the rocket. It’s surprisingly complicated.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
I have this bank account where I keep birthday money that was given to me by my grandparents and stuff. There was almost a thousand bucks in it. My mom said I could use some of the money to buy rocket gear. So I bought some more rockets, launchers, extra engines, and some other stuff I knew I would need.
MR. MURPHY. SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER
In my day, the idea of launching a rocket was strictly government business. It was very difficult to build a homemade rocket. But now, plain old citizens all over the world are building very sophisticated rockets and launching them on their own. It is actually possible to shoot something out of the Earth’s atmosphere.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
One day at school, Kelsey showed up with a pink T-shirt that said, “Polar Bears Are People Too.” There was a picture of a bear hanging onto a little ice floe. I told her it was cute. She told me she saw some documentary about the environment the night before and it changed her life.
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
&nb
sp; Did you know that we burn twenty million barrels of oil a day? Every day! And what do you think happens to it after it’s burned? It turns into carbon dioxide, which is trapped by the atmosphere. Which is getting hotter and hotter each year. Glaciers are melting. Species are becoming extinct. We’re going to make this planet uninhabitable, and nobody even cares. Why aren’t we doing anything about this? The world is coming to an end and all kids care about is who Brittney Spears and Lindsey Lohan are going out with. It’s ridiculous.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
She went on and on about the melting icecaps, stranded polar bears, greenhouse gases, and all that stuff. I care about the environment too, of course. Everybody does. We recycle. But Kelsey always goes to the extreme. She is such an alarmist. I mean, really! I’m sure that if the world was really coming to an end, the world leaders would get together and do something about it.
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
I would never say this to her face, but Judy can be a little selfish and narrow-minded sometimes. Her biggest concern always seems to be getting into law school someday, and her own future. Maybe she should spend a little more time thinking about the future of the human race.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
I thought it was a riot. Kelsey is always into weird stuff that will attract attention to her. One day she comes in with pink hair or a pierced belly button, and the next day, out of nowhere, she says she’s a tree hugger. And then the day after that, she forgot all about it. She cracks me up. You never know what she’s gonna be into next.
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
Yeah, they made fun of me. Kids have always made fun of me. And you know what? I don’t care. I used to care, when I was little. But after a while you have to stand up for what you believe in. I think it is entirely possible that the world is going to come to an end in my lifetime, or my children’s lifetime. What a horrifying thought.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
Kelsey was telling us her doomsday scenario about the world coming to an end and all this stuff. She was so serious, but it was hard to keep a straight face. So I looked over at Brenton and he looked at me, and he’s got this sly grin on his face and a gleam in his eye and I know what he’s thinking and he knows what I’m thinking and the rest, well, you know what happened.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
Remember Red Socks Day? It was the day after Brenton got on the Internet and spread around this message that everybody should wear red socks to school. Sure enough, the next day, just about every boy and girl in America wore red socks to school. It was pretty amazing. Anyway, when Kelsey was talking about the end of the world, Brenton and Snik got this screwy idea in their head that it would be a funny prank to invent a fake doomsday cult. I told them it was a bad idea, and they were hurting Kelsey’s feelings. But did the boys listen? No, of course not. They’re boys.
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
The boys got all excited about this stupid idea of seeing how many suckers would believe the end of the world was coming. At first I was offended, because they were making fun of me and not taking my ideas seriously. But then I just decided that they were silly and immature, which is what boys are.
BRENTON DAMAGATCHI. GRADE 6
We thought it would be cool to start a cult of nutballs who worship the Grand Canyon. Life began there millions of years ago, we decided, when aliens landed and creatures from the center of the earth came up through the crack in the surface to mate with them. That’s how the human race started. We decided to name this philosophy “Canyonism.” I started working up a Canyonism website.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
I wanted to call it “Brentonism,” but he didn’t want his name in it. Brenton is so modest! We worked out all the details of this bogus cult. We decided that Canyonists worship a mysterious genius named Notnerb, which is just Brenton backward. Notnerb performs miracles, and if you pray to him, he’ll reward you with frequent-flyer miles and other awesome prizes. Just like a game show. And if you don’t want the prizes, you can lose weight instead. That’s what people want in life, right? To have more stuff or to lose weight.
Anyway, we decided that Canyonists can achieve immortality if they stand on their heads and become one with the earth. And everybody has to eat one Hostess Twinkie every day to advance to the afterlife. And it’s a sin to eat pretzels on Wednesday. It was just stupid stuff, you know? Oh, and the world is going to end on Mother’s Day for everyone except the people who are in the Grand Canyon. They’ll be protected.
Brenton and I were laughing our heads off.
BRENTON DAMAGATCHI. GRADE 6
The website was up just a few minutes when I got an IM from some guy in Ohio who wanted to become a Canyonist. He said he had been searching his whole life for something to believe in, and that Canyonism was the first thing he’d seen that made sense. He wanted to send us money and everything. It was just sad and pathetic that anyone would take such a thing seriously. But soon, the website had hundreds of hits. People are crazy.
POLICE CHIEF REBECCA FISH
It was ’round about the end of November, I reckon, when I found a white male runaway wanderin’ ’round Grand Canyon Village. About twenty years of age. Said he worshiped the Grand Canyon. The kid kept trying to stand on his head and pray to somebody named Notnerb. Wasn’t makin’ any sense at all. Figured he was high on somethin’. We put him on a bus headin’ back east. I tell you, we get all kinds of loonies here so I didn’t think much of it. The kid had a backpack filled with Twinkies.
BRENTON DAMAGATCHI. GRADE 6
A couple of days after the website went up online, I got another e-mail from that Milner guy. He went on and on about Canyonism and what a brilliant idea it was. He wanted to team up or something and promised me there were millions of dollars to be made from Canyonism. He wanted to print books, make videos, and sell souvenirs to saps who bought into the idea.
I didn’t like Milner. I didn’t like what he was suggesting we do. I pulled down the website. Maybe I should have changed my e-mail address so he would stop bothering me.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
Richard Milner was this strange man who somehow found out about the homework machine while we were using it. He pestered us for a long time about it. It was almost like stalking. I wanted to call the police on him, but the others talked me out of it.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
Personally, I thought Milner was harmless. He just wanted to make money. Nothing wrong with that. It’s America, right? We all want to get rich or die trying. But the others were so freaked out by the guy. Especially Brenton. He was really spooked.
POLICE CHIEF REBECCA FISH
Day after Thanksgiving, one of our copters spotted somebody wanderin’ around the canyon, near the same spot where them kids chucked the computer. Went down to check it out, and it turned out to be that Damagatchi boy. Bright kid, but a little strange if you ask me. Wouldn’t tell me what he was doin’ down there. But it was late in the day and the boy didn’t have enough water with him. I was afraid he might not be able to get back up before dark, so I brought him out.
Every year a bunch of tourists need to be rescued, but it’s usually not the local yokels. I just figured it’s kids doing stupid things. Boys will be boys.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
I became very concerned when we heard that Brenton was wandering around the canyon and the police had to rescue him. It’s just not like him to be irrational. They say there’s a thin line between genius and madness. I was wondering if maybe Brenton was crossing the line.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
All geniuses are a little nuts, right? Brenton once told me that thousands of years ago, an alien spaceship crash-landed in the Grand Canyon. He read about it on the Internet, and he really thought it might be true. I figured he was looking for the spaceship. Why else would he be hiking down there with no water at the end of November?
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
Judy was so worried about Brenton that she
said we had to have an “intervention.” Man, I didn’t even know what that meant! So we all went over to Snik’s house after school. I figured that Brenton just went off the deep end.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
I asked Brenton if he was searching for an alien spaceship and he said no. He said he was looking for that little red light from the homework machine. I couldn’t believe it! That stupid light! He was obsessed with it! We all told him to get over it. But that’s when Brenton dropped his little bombshell on us.
BRENTON DAMAGATCHI. GRADE 6
I felt that I needed to tell them the truth. The reason the homework machine was so powerful was because its CPU was a “superchip” I bought at a computer flea market in Williams. That chip was what kept the little red light on. The man who sold me the chip in the first place, I finally realized, was that guy Richard Milner.
SAM DAWKINS. GRADE 6
Brenton told us he was pretty sure that the guy who sold him the computer chip was Milner, and that Milner got it from some gangsters in Japan or someplace. Apparently, Milner didn’t have the technical know-how to do anything with the chip himself, so he found a smart kid who did—Brenton. Then he started watching what Brenton did with it.
JUDY DOUGLAS. GRADE 6
I didn’t quite understand it, but that computer chip was some kind of cutting-edge technology that nobody else in the world had yet. It was super fast, and it could do things normal computer chips couldn’t—like work with no source of power. It was probably stolen from the company that developed it. If it fell into the wrong hands, well, who knows what might happen? We all realized at once that we had to find that chip. And we couldn’t let anybody know.
KELSEY DONNELLY. GRADE 6
It was starting to get cold out, and soon there would be snow on the ground. So we had to move fast. That night, all of us snuck out of our houses at two o’clock in the morning. We had to do it in the dark because that would be the only way we’d be able to see the blinking red light. Snik had a metal detector. The rest of us brought flashlights.