If she had meant to take him away from Estelle or to rob him of Peter, then she knew she would have been wrong. But in this fortnight she was taking nothing from Estelle that Estelle had ever had, and she was doing no harm to Peter. It would not be likely to do him any harm to soften his father’s heart.
Claire’s morality consisted solely in the consideration of other people; her instincts revolted against unkindness. It was an early Christian theory much lost sight of, “Love, and do as you please,” the safety of the concession resting upon the quality of the love.
But to-night another idea had occurred to her, and she was very uneasy. Was it really possible that any one could blame Winn? Her first instinct had been sheer anger, and her anger had carried her past fear into the pride of love. She had felt as if she wanted to confront the world and defy it. If the world dared judge them, what did it matter? Their hearts were clean. She was too young to know that under the world’s judgments clean hearts break even more easily than soiled ones.
But her mind had not rested there. She had begun to be afraid for Winn, and with all her heart she longed to see him justified. What had he ever done that he could be judged? He had loved her, spared her, guarded her. He had made, he was making, inconceivable sacrifices for her. He was killing not only his own joy, but hers rather than do her what he thought a wrong.
She sat on a footstool in front of Miss Marley’s wood fire, frowning at the flames. Miss Marley watched her cautiously; there was a good deal she wanted to say, but she hoped that most of it might be said by Claire. A very careful talker can get a good deal expressed in this way; impressions, to be permanent, must always come from the person you wish to impress.
“Miss Marley,” Claire began, “do you think it matters what people think?”
Miss Marley, who invariably rolled her own cigarettes, took up a small silver box, flattened the cigarette-paper out carefully, and prepared to fill it before answering. Then she said:
“Very few people do think; that is generally what matters – absence of thought. Speech without thought is responsible for most people’s disasters.”
“But it can’t matter what people say if it isn’t true, can it?” Claire persisted. “I mean – nonsense can’t count against any one?”
“I’m rather afraid it does matter,” said Miss Marley, lighting her cigarette. “Nonsense is very infectious, and it often carries a good deal of weight. I have known nonsense break people’s hearts.”
“Oh!” said Claire in a rising breath. She was wondering what it was like to have a broken heart. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that she was going to have one, half of one; but what really frightened her was that the other half was going to belong to Winn.
“Could any one,” she said under her breath, “think any harm of him? He told me you knew all about us, and that I might talk to you if I wanted to; but I didn’t then. There didn’t seem anything to say. But now I do want to know; I want to know awfully what you think. If I asked him, he’d only laugh or else he’d be angry. He’s very young in some ways, you know, Miss Marley – younger than I am.”
“Yes,” agreed Miss Marley; “men are always, to the end of their lives, very young in some ways.”
“I never thought,” Claire went on breathlessly, “that people would dream of blaming him because we were together. Why, it’s so stupid! If they only knew! He’s so good!”
“If he’s that,” said Miss Marley, smiling into the fire, “you’ve succeeded in making a saint of a Staines, a very difficult experiment! I shouldn’t advise you to run away too much with that idea, however.”
“It isn’t me; it’s him,” exclaimed Claire, regardless of grammar. “I mean, after what Maurice said this afternoon – I don’t know how to put it quite – I almost wish we’d both been bad!”
Miss Marley nodded. She knew the danger of blame when a tug of war is in progress, and how it weakens the side attacked.
“How can I explain to people,” Claire went on, “what he’s been like? I don’t know whether I’ve told you, but he went away almost directly he found out he cared, before – long before he knew I cared, though he might have known; and he left a message to tell me about his wife, which I never got. But, oh, Miss Marley, I’ve never told him, I should have come if I’d got it or not! I should really, because I had to know if he cared! So you see, don’t you, that if either of us was wicked it was me? Only I didn’t feel wicked; I really felt awfully good. I don’t see how you’re to tell what’s right if God doesn’t let you know and people talk nonsense.”
“It’s not,” agreed Miss Marley, dryly, “particularly easy to know.”
“And his wife doesn’t care for him,” Claire went on. “Fancy Winn’s wife not caring for him! Poor woman!”
“Why do you pity her?” Miss Marley inquired with interest.
“Well,” said Claire, with a sudden dimple, “I was only thinking I shouldn’t like to be Winn’s wife if he didn’t care for me; and then I was thinking that if he didn’t, I’d make him!”
“Well, that effort doesn’t seem required of you,” said Miss Marley.
“No, but it only shows you that I’m much the most wicked, doesn’t it?” asked Claire, with some pride.
“The points against Winn,” Miss Marley said gravely, “are his age, his experience, and his wife. I feel bound to tell you that there are points against him.”
Claire frowned.
“Winn isn’t really old,” she explained, “because he’s only done things all his life – games or his work; it hasn’t been people. People make you old, especially when you are looking after them. He’s never really grown up; and as for experience, I don’t think you experience anything unless you care about it. It hurts me sometimes to hear him talk about his wife. He’s never had her; he’s only had me. I don’t explain very well, but I know it’s true, because he told me things about loving which showed me he’d never had anything before except dogs – and Peter; and Peter’s awfully young, and dogs can’t answer back. You can’t grow up on dogs.”
Miss Marley tacitly admitted the limitations of canine influence; but she said:
“Still, you know, he’s not kept to his own code; that’s what one must judge people by. I’m sure he’d tell you himself that a married man should leave girls alone.”
Claire thought for a moment, then she said:
“Yes, but he’s gone deeper than his code now. Don’t you think that perhaps a smash, even of something you value, makes you grow? I don’t know how to put it quite, but if you never did what you thought wrong, would you ever know how big right is? Besides, he hasn’t gone on doing it. Perhaps he did start wrong in getting to care, but that only makes it harder and finer, his stopping himself. Very few people, I think, but Winn could stop themselves, and nobody but Winn could ever care – so much.” Her voice broke, and she turned away her head.
“What,” said Miss Marley, rolling another cigarette, “are your plans?”
Miss Marley felt that she must give up first principles but she hoped that she might still be able to do something about plans.
“We are going to drive over the Maloja to Chiavenna,” said Claire; “Maurice has a party to go with. We shall start by the earlier post, and have lunch together at Vico-Soprano before he comes. And then when Maurice comes we shall say good-by; and then – and then, Miss Marley, I’ve been thinking – we mustn’t meet again! I haven’t told Winn yet, because he likes to talk as if we could, in places awfully far away and odd, with you to chaperon us. I think it helps him to talk like that but I don’t think now that we must ever meet again. You won’t blame him if I tell you something, will you?”
“No,” said Miss Marley; “after what you’ve said to me to-night I am not inclined to blame him.”
“Well,” said Claire, “I don’t think, if we were to meet again, he would let me go. We may manage this time, but not twice.”
“Are you sure,” asked Miss Marley, gently, “that you will manage this t
ime?”
Claire raised her head and looked at Miss Marley.
“Aren’t you?” she said gravely. “I did feel very sure.”
“I’d feel a great deal surer,” said Miss Marley, “if you didn’t drive down the pass. If you once set off with Winn, do you suppose he’ll stop? I am sure he means to now; in fact, his sending you up here to talk to me proves it. He knows I sha’n’t be much of a help to him in carrying you off. But, my dear, I never knew any Staines stop, once he’d started. As long as he is looking at the consequences for you, he’ll steer clear of them, he’s looking at them now, but a moment will come when he’ll cease to look, and then everything will depend on you. I think your one chance is to say good-by here, and to drive down the pass with Maurice. He can dispose of his party for once.”
The color left Claire’s face, but her eyes never flinched from Miss Marley’s. After a time Miss Marley turned her head away; she could no longer bear the look in Claire’s eyes. It was like watching the face of some one drowning.
“I don’t want a chance!” whispered Claire.
Miss Marley found her voice difficult to control, but she did control it; she said:
“I was thinking of his chance. If he does you any harm, he won’t forgive himself. You can stop it; he can’t possibly stop himself.”
“No,” said Claire. She didn’t cry; she sat very straight and still on her footstool in front of the fire. After a while she said in a curious dragging voice: “Very well, then; I must tell him about the pass. Oh, what shall I do if he minds! It’s his minding – ” She stopped, as if the words broke something in her.
“Yes,” said Miss Marley; “but he’ll mind more if he ruins your life. You see, you won’t think you’re ruined, but Winn will think so. He’ll believe he’s ruined the woman he loves, and after a little time, when his passion has ceased to ride him blind, he’ll never hold up his head again. You’ll be responsible for that.” It sounded cruel, but it was not cruel. Miss Marley knew that as long as she laid the responsibility at Claire’s door, Claire would not think her cruel.
Claire repeated slowly after her:
“I should be responsible for that!” Then she said: “Oh, how silly laws are! How silly! As if any one could be ruined who simply loved!”
“We should probably be sillier without laws,” Miss Marley observed. “And you must remember they have their recommendations: they keep silly people comparatively safe.”
“Safe!” said Claire. “I think that’s the emptiest, poorest word there is! Who wants to be safe?”
“You wouldn’t think so if you had a child,” said Miss Marley, quietly. “You would need safety then, and you would learn to prize it.”
Claire bowed her head into her hands.
“Oh, why can’t I have one now! Why can’t I?” she whispered brokenly.
Miss Marley bit her lips; she had hoped Claire was too young for this particular stab.
“Because he’d think it wrong,” said Miss Marley after a pause, “and because of Peter. He’s got that obligation. The two would clash.”
Claire rose slowly to her feet.
“I’ll just go and tell him about the pass,” she said quietly. “When it’s over I’ll begin to think; but I needn’t really think till then, need I? Because I feel as if I couldn’t just now; it would stop my going on.”
Miss Marley said that she was quite sure that Claire need not begin to think at present and privately she hoped that, when that hour came, something might happen which would deaden thought. She was thankful to remember that the worst of feeling is always over before the worst of thinking can begin. But Claire was too young to comfort herself with the limitations of pain. She only knew that she must tell Winn about the pass and seem for a moment at least, in his eyes, not to trust him. Nevertheless, she smiled at Miss Marley before she left her, because she didn’t want Miss Marley to feel upset; and Miss Marley accepted this reassurance with an answering smile until the door was shut.
CHAPTER XXVI
When Claire found Winn at the bridge-table she saw at a glance that he was not in the mood for renunciations. His eyes had the hard, shining stare that was the danger-signal of the Staines family. He shot a glance at Claire as if she were a hostile force and he was taking her measure. He was putting her outside himself in order to fight her. It was as if he knew instinctively that their wills were about to clash. When the rubber was over, he got up and walked straight to her.
“You put me off my game,” he said grimly. “I can see you’re up to something; but we can’t talk here.”
“Let’s talk to-morrow,” she urged, “not now. I thought perhaps you’d like to come and listen to the music with me; there is music in the hall.”
“You did, did you?” he replied in the same hard voice. “Well, you were mistaken. Go up-stairs to my room and wait for me. It’s number 28, two or three doors beyond Miss Marley’s sitting-room. I’ll follow you.”
An older woman would have hesitated, and if Claire had hesitated, Winn would never have forgiven her. But her youth was at once her danger and her protection.
She would rather have waited till to-morrow, because she saw that Winn was in a difficult mood; but she had no idea what was behind his mood. She went at once.
She had never been in Winn’s room before, and as she sat down to wait for him her eyes took in its neat impressive bareness. It was a narrow hotel room, a bed in one corner, a chest of drawers, washstand, and wardrobe opposite. By the balcony window were a small table and an armchair. A cane chair stood at the foot of the bed.
Nothing was lying about. There were few traces of occupation visible; only a pair of felt slippers under the bed, a large bath sponge on the washstand, and a dressing-gown hanging on the nail behind the door. In his tooth-glass by the bedside was a rose Claire had worn and given him. It was put there with meticulous care; its stalk had been re-cut and its leaves freshened. Beside it lay a small New Testament and a book on saddles.
Winn joined her in exactly five minutes. He shut the door carefully after him, and sat down on the cane chair opposite her.
“I thought you might like to know,” he said politely, “that I have made up my mind not to let you go.”
Then he waited for Claire to contradict him. But Claire waited, too; Claire waited longest. She was not sure what to say, and, unlike most women, when she was not sure what to say, she said nothing. Winn spoke again, but a little less quietly.
“It’s no use your making a fuss,” he stated, “or cutting up rough about it and throwing morals at my head. I’ve got past that.” He got up, locked the door, and then came back. “I’m going to keep that door locked until I make sure what you’re up to.”
“You needn’t have done that,” Claire said quietly. “Do you think I want to leave you? If I did, I shouldn’t be here. You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, because I want exactly what you do.”
Winn shot an appreciative glance at her; that was a good stroke, but he wasn’t going to be taken in by it. In some ways he would have preferred to see her angry. Hostility is generally the sign of weakness; but Claire looked at him with an unyielding tenderness.
“The question is,” he said firmly, “can I make you do what we both want and what you are holding back from? I dare say you’ve got good reasons for holding back and all that, and I know I’m an out-and-out blackguard to press you, but I’ve reached a place where I won’t stand any more. D’you see my point?”
Claire nodded. She was not angry, because she saw that Winn was fighting her not because he wanted to be victorious over her, but because he was being conquered by pain.
She was not going to let him be conquered by it – that, as Miss Marley had said, was her responsibility – but it wasn’t going to be easy to prevent it. She was close against the danger-line, and every nerve in her being had long ago become part of Winn. He was fighting against the best of himself, but all that was not the best of Claire fought on his side. Perhaps there wa
s not very much that was not the best in Claire. She hesitated, then she said:
“I thought you wanted me – to go. I think you really do want it; that’s why I’m going.”
Winn leaned forward and took hold of both her wrists. “So I did,” he agreed; “but it isn’t any good. I can’t do it. I’ve thought it all out – just what to do, you know – for both of us. I’ll have to leave my regiment, of course, but I can get back into something else all right later on. Estelle will give me a divorce. She’ll want to keep the child away from me; besides, she’ll like to be a public martyr. As for you and me, you’ll have to face rough music for a year or two; that’s the worst part of it. I’m sorry. We’ll stay abroad till it’s over. My mother will help us. I can count on her.”
“Winn, come here,” said Claire. He came and knelt down beside her. She put her hands on his shoulders and looked deep into his eyes. He tried to keep them hard, but he failed.
“Don’t try and get round me!” he said threateningly. “You’ll make me dangerous if you do. It isn’t the least good!”
“Can you listen to what I say?” Claire asked quietly.
“I suppose so,” said Winn, guardedly. “I love every bit of you – I love the ground your chair’s on – but I’m not going to give in.”
“And that’s the way I love you,” she said. “I’d go with you to the world’s end, Winn, if I didn’t love you so much and you’d take me there; but you won’t, for just the same reason. We can’t do what would be unfair; we shouldn’t like it. It’s no use, darling; we shouldn’t like it.”
“That’s all you know about it,” said Winn, unappeasably. “Anyhow, we’re going to do it, whether you like it or not.”
Then she took her hands away from his shoulders and leaned back in her chair. He had never seen her look so frail and small, and he knew that she had never been so formidably strong.
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