by Tessa Afshar
She shook her head and shifted on the bed, looking for a more comfortable position. “I’m not feverish.” Until today, she had managed to downplay her sickness and exhaustion around Darius. It was impossible to do so anymore, given the increased frequency and violence of how wretched she felt.
He stroked her hair with a gentle hand. “Perhaps not. But I am sending for a physician nonetheless. I don’t like this lingering malaise.”
Guilt churned Sarah’s insides. She still had not decided on a course of action. He would be elated to know that he was about to become a father. Her heart melted as she imagined his face when she told him the news. She almost blurted it out then. She stifled the desire, because she knew that telling him was the same as engineering their separation. With difficulty she forced herself to keep her secret for a while longer.
“So what did the king want to see you about? Any news?”
Darius leaned back, resting his elbow on the covers. “He wants to send me to Jerusalem with your cousin Nehemiah.”
From his hesitant manner, Sarah deduced that he expected her to be shocked by his news. “So Nehemiah tells me.”
“You have spoken to the cupbearer?” Darius’s frown was thunderous.
“He sent me a letter, describing his upcoming journey. He said you would be leading his military escort and asked if I would be willing to help. Competent scribes are not easy to come by in Jerusalem, it seems.”
Darius swiveled to sit up. “He reaches above himself! He assumes he has the authority to command you to travel to Jerusalem?”
Sarah’s eyes widened. “Command me? Of course not. He believed you would be taking me with you. You know I have always wanted to visit Jerusalem. Besides, you would be gone for a year. You wouldn’t leave me behind for that length of time. His letter intended no disrespect. He said that since I was already coming on the journey, I could be of tremendous help as a scribe.”
Two spots of bright color burned on Darius’s cheeks. He shifted on the bed as if he could not find a comfortable position.
Sarah’s mouth fell open. “I am coming, aren’t I? You don’t intend to leave me behind?”
“It’s too dangerous, Sarah.” Darius avoided looking at her. “Going as Nehemiah’s escort is a mere cover. My real mission is to get to the root of this plot while we are in the Trans-Euphrates. If the assassin begins to suspect me as the king’s agent, you would be in danger. They could take you hostage to get to me.
“In any case, according to reports from area officials, your beloved Jerusalem has become a cauldron of unrest. Hostile nations surround the city. They will be none too pleased by Judah’s sudden favor with the king. Who knows what they might do. It’s too risky to take you along.”
Sarah sat up straight. He planned to leave her behind! Was it so easy for him to abandon her for a whole year? Here she had been agonizing over how not to be parted from him, and he had already decided that he would leave her at home. All considerations of telling him about the baby vanished. “You seem eager to be parted from me.” Her lips felt stiff as she spoke.
Darius shot up and stood over her like a tall column of fury. “Don’t be dim-witted, Sarah. I hate the thought of leaving you. But I won’t endanger your life for the sake of my own selfish desires. As I’ve already told the king, your presence would prove a dangerous distraction.”
“The king? Artaxerxes told you to take me with you?”
An elegant hand waved in the air. “He made a mere suggestion.”
“So even the king agrees with me.”
“The king is interested in your usefulness. He knows your talents would serve him well on this trip. He is looking out for the interests of the empire. I am looking out for you.”
“Darius, you can’t protect me from every danger. The last time my life was threatened, I was safely ensconced in your mansion. And it wasn’t some bloodthirsty enemy of the empire that stabbed me in the woods of Ecbatana. Your own servant did that.” Sarah forced herself to be calm. Her voice grew soft and pleading. “I am safest when I am with you. Please take me.”
Darius raked his fingers through his long hair. “I will think on it.”
The physician Darius summoned to Sarah’s bedside proved too competent. A lanky Egyptian with a smoothly shaven face that betrayed little emotion, he wasted no time and examined Sarah with thorough expertise. As he washed his hands in a basin of warm water, he said, “No malady ails you, my lady. I believe you are with child, although it’s early days. Two months, perhaps. You must have guessed?”
Sarah flushed. “I suspected it.”
“Judging by what your husband said, he is unaware of your condition. He fears you are ill.”
“I haven’t told him yet. I wanted to be certain.”
“You can be certain. A baby grows in your womb.”
A rush of joy swept over Sarah so that she could not speak for some time. In that short moment, the physician’s pronouncement made the baby real to her—real enough to love. To protect. She closed her eyes. She was carrying Darius’s child. Her eyes grew moist as an avalanche of tangled feelings gathered force in her heart. She was going to be a mother!
Her mind was finally able to think beyond the emotions of the moment. “Can I travel? Will it endanger the baby?”
“Not if you take care. No galloping on horseback, mind. If you go at a gentle pace and take plenty of rest, you should both be fine.”
He then gave her a list of foods to eat and to avoid. Sarah took the list and studied it with care, memorizing it on the spot.
“I have a favor to ask of you, master physician. Don’t inform my husband of my pregnancy yet.”
The smooth mask of the Egyptian’s face remained impassive. “I don’t mean to be disobliging, my lady, but to withhold such information from the man who hired me would be wrong. I would not betray his lordship’s trust, nor would I invite his justified affront.”
“I had no right to ask. Forgive me.”
“Why do you wish to withhold such happy news from your husband? It is clear that you are delighted with the child. Your husband will be equally thrilled, I assure you.”
Sarah plucked at the soft sheets. “He will be leaving on a long assignment shortly. As it is, he does not want to take me along due to the possible dangers we might encounter. Once he knows I am with child, he will tie me up to a wooden post rather than risk taking me with him.”
“I see. When I inform him of your condition, I will try to reassure him that travel poses no threat to the health of your baby.”
“My thanks,” Sarah said. “Not that it will make any difference.”
Darius was beginning to understand why Artaxerxes had given him such a pitying look on their last meeting. The king had once allowed his own wife and queen to accompany him on a military campaign. Darius began to suspect that bringing Damaspia along on that occasion had not been Artaxerxes’ original intention. Damaspia must have forced his hand. He could just see her, the dazzling cerulean blue eyes flooding with fat tears, begging her husband to allow her to go. He realized he was no more immune to Sarah’s soft plea than Artaxerxes had been to Damaspia. I am safest when I am with you. Those words had wormed their way into his heart. He could not deny the impact they had on him. The woman knew how to get under his skin.
He had spent the afternoon away from home, overseeing details of his trip to Beyond the River. Impressed by how much the cupbearer had already accomplished in a short time, Darius had to admit that his wife’s cousin had a genius for administration.
The knowledge did not soften his heart toward Nehemiah. Since his wedding day he had harbored a dislike for his wife’s cousin. The reason for his initial animosity no longer existed, for he felt happy with Sarah. His suspicion that Nehemiah had engineered the wedding as a means of elevating himself in the court had turned out to be false. And yet Darius could not shake his antagonism toward the cupbearer. It made no sense, even to him. Nehemiah had been a close friend of his parents; moreover, he was
kin to his wife. She loved and respected him with a devotion that grated on Darius’s nerves. He wondered if he might be jealous and dismissed the thought. He? Jealous of his wife’s affections toward another man? A ludicrous thought.
He pushed the matter aside, preferring to forget about the cupbearer as long as possible, and sent a servant to fetch Vidarna. “Has the physician examined Lady Sarah?”
“Yes my lord. He waited for over an hour to give you his report. He could not linger as another patient was expecting him.”
“Ah. I am sorry to have missed him. I wished to know what he made of Sarah’s condition.”
“He said he would be back this week to discuss it with you, my lord. He did not seem overly concerned. I am sure it’s nothing serious.”
Darius never met with the physician. To his astonishment, Nehemiah managed to procure the myriad of provisions necessary for the trip to Jerusalem before the week’s end. Darius had never known such a complex undertaking to be organized so quickly. Yet the cupbearer’s preparations remained meticulous in every detail. Darius could find no fault in his arrangements. In order to be ready to leave with Nehemiah, Darius found himself busy from morning till dusk, missing the physician on several occasions.
Sarah assured him that the physician seemed satisfied that she suffered from no serious malady. She appeared better to him, her skin less pale, the bouts of nausea decreasing with each day, though in spite of her reassurances, he suspected that they had not altogether abated.
To his surprise, his wife did not bring up the topic of Jerusalem again. He had half expected her to badger him from one hour to the next. Her silence caused him more discomfort than if she had nagged him. He could have dismissed the carping of a pestering wife; he found it harder to dismiss the sweet silence of a sad wife.
The idea of leaving her for a whole year left a bad taste in his mouth. If he were honest, he missed her after three days of absence. Her conversation, her humor, her tenderness had enriched his life so much that when he was without them, he felt bereft. No one stood up to him the way this little woman did. She had never shown him the slightest fear. She seemed unimpressed by his rank or riches or looks. Could he really bear to be separated from her for twelve long months?
How dangerous was this journey? Because they would travel along the royal highways, with a large convoy, and accompanied by a military escort, he felt that the months on the road would offer relative safety. Even a strong gang of thieves would think better than to attempt attacking such a cavalcade. Once in Jerusalem, she would remain under his watchful care as well as Nehemiah’s. He could assign one of his men to protect her day and night. If he did not take her to Syria with him, she would not be thrown into the path of unnecessary danger.
The more he thought on it, the more convinced he became that bringing her was not the act of an irresponsible husband. He knew how desperately she desired to see the city of her fathers and to worship in their Temple. She would glow as brightly as one of Persepolis’s famed lamps if he told her that he planned to take her with him. Besides, she would be amenable to his every whim for months. He chuckled. Well, days, anyway.
Nehemiah had set the date of their departure three days hence. If he wanted to include Sarah he had better tell her right away; she had little time to prepare for such a long absence from home.
“I have thought upon your request, and have decided to take you with me to Jerusalem.”
Sarah froze, the piece of rag in her hand, which she had been holding just beyond reach of Anousya forgotten. The puppy barked. With an absent air, she surrendered the rag and sprang from the couch. “I can come?”
“Yes.”
It was one of the few times Darius had seen her lost for words. He felt a tremor of satisfaction go through him.
An odd emotion crossed her face. It wasn’t happiness. More like an inner struggle, he would have guessed. Before he could examine the source of that inexplicable reaction, her expression changed. Delight lit up her eyes as she ran to him and threw her arms about him.
“Thank you! Thank you!”
“You will be assigned a guard at all times. I don’t want you venturing anywhere without him. Do you promise?”
“I’ll take two guards if you wish. I’ll even take Mardonius, though he never bathes and smells like the rump of a dead bear.”
Darius laughed. “When he was a boy, his father died of a fierce chill after a bath. His childish brain connected the two events and he has since avoided bathing as much as possible.”
Sarah took his hand and drew him down to sit next to her on the couch. “When do we leave?”
“In three days.”
She squeaked. “You jest! Even Nehemiah couldn’t pull that off.”
“He has. Having second thoughts?”
To his surprise she reddened and looked away. “Darius, I …”
“What is it?” Again he caught that odd expression on her face, as if she felt conscience-stricken. “Sarah?”
She waved a hand before her. “Don’t mind me. I can be ready. May I bring Pari? I thought the two of us would travel in one of the carts. I would rather avoid the back of a horse on such a long journey, if it’s all right.”
“That’s a wise decision.”
An hour later, Darius left his wife with a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He sensed there was something wrong—that she held something back. He chided himself for his ridiculous misgivings. But the nagging feeling would not leave.
Pari clapped when she heard the news of their upcoming travel.
Sarah gave a wan smile. “Are you certain that you wish to come? We are not travelling to palaces and mansions, but to a broken-down city. The food will be simple and the conditions primitive. I would understand if you chose to stay.”
“And be parted from you for a whole year, especially now when you need me most? I think not. Besides, you’ve been reading King David’s poetry to me for months, and now I will have an opportunity to visit his city.”
“There might not be much worth seeing. Jerusalem has suffered war and neglect.”
“No matter. I am going.”
Sarah was relieved to hear of Pari’s determination to accompany her. The imminence of their departure had loosed a terrible anxiety in her. Had she lost her mind? In spite of the physician’s assurance, she worried that she might jeopardize her baby’s health. She knew nothing about pregnancy. Not having grown up amongst women, she had not gleaned the wisdom common to most women her age. Having a friend like Pari as her companion would prove an enormous comfort.
She had almost blurted the news out to Darius after he had asked her to come. Guilt had overwhelmed her. He deserved to know that he was about to become a father. He deserved to have a part in making the decision about this journey. Her silence robbed him of that crucial choice. She recognized that she was wrong. She told herself that she had three days to reveal her secret. Perhaps if she told him just before leaving, he would be so pressed for time that he would be forced to take her.
She wondered if there were midwives in Jerusalem. Surely the women there didn’t give birth without help. But here in Susa she would have access to the best. Damaspia would no doubt send her personal midwife to see to her needs. Not in Judah.
She had no information about the timing of this assignment. For all she knew, Darius and she might have to turn around and return home within weeks of having arrived. By then she would be growing large with child. Could she stand four months of bumping along royal highways with her belly sticking out over her feet?
Then again, Darius would never stand for it. He would find somewhere safe for her to stay until her time came. If the king needed him, however, he would have to leave her side. What an irony that would be if, after traipsing behind him through half the length of the empire, she still ended up having the baby alone.
She would tell him, she decided. She would tell him as soon as he returned home. But by the time Darius came to her that evening, she had lost her
nerve.
The day of their departure dawned hazy with dry heat. It was the middle of spring, but felt more like high summer. They gathered outside the west gate of the city. Sarah counted one hundred and three people including Darius’s military escort. Most were men. She recognized several of Nehemiah’s relatives and Jewish officials from Susa. Many others were hired servants. Horses, donkeys, and asses loaded up with men or gear made a noisy cavalcade. A large number of sturdy carts filled with food, tents, and other necessities lined up along the road, waiting to start. Most were covered and pulled by donkeys. Some smaller carts, fashioned from wood planks, only had high sides, covered on top with canvas and ropes.
Sarah searched frantically for Darius and spotted him near the head of the column, speaking to a man she did not recognize. There was no more time to vacillate. She had already left it too late. She needed to tell him now.
“My lord, may I speak to you?”
He turned to her, his manner distracted. “Not now, Sarah. Go to your cart with Pari.”
“But my lord …”
“Sarah, this is poor timing. I shall speak with you later.”
Half relieved and half panicking, Sarah walked down the column of travellers until she found the wide cart Darius had prepared for her and Pari. A large portion of the floor had been fitted with thick mattresses to shield them from the uneven road, and a removable stretch of canvas over the cart gave them respite from the elements. He had even installed thick curtains for privacy.
She climbed in with Pari’s help and sat with her knees up against her chest. If she told him after they started on the road, he would be furious. He would feel manipulated, and with good reason. Thanks to her many delays, however, she had run out of options. It was unreasonable to expect that he would be free to have an intimate conversation with her just before the start of the journey.