Chapter 4
“Hello?” I answered groggily as I lay in my king sized bed early Saturday morning. Hitting the off button, I turned off my mounted flat screen TV. My slate grey satin sheets slid over my skin as I stretched and pointed my toes. I hadn’t been able to sleep; however, I’d been up, unmoving, for the last couple of hours.
“Okay, spill!” Emily screeched.
“Good morning to you too Em,” I laughed in response. Since our heart to heart in Thomasville two months ago, Emily and I hadn’t gone a day without talking to each other or at the very least texting. The day I changed my number, I called her from my burner phone and swore her to secrecy. She didn’t like it, but Emily swore she wouldn’t tell anyone, namely her brother, about my whereabouts. The last seven weeks had been difficult on her because she didn’t like to lie to Emanuel. But I had no choice, I needed time.
“Yeah, yeah good morning!” she burst out dismissively. “You texted me last night and said you had your first session and had a coffee date with some hot guy and you’d tell me about it this morning. Well it’s 7 a.m. and I’m ready to talk!”
I laughed again and pulled myself into a seated position with my back against the headboard. “Well first of all, I did not say it was a date. Although he is a hot guy, I didn’t say that either.”
“You said he was from London and had an accent, I filled in the blanks. So, really, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Her upbeat tone had a twinge of worry in it.
“I’m okay. Last night was…different. We talked for a couple of hours and had a cup of coffee and some scones. Around ten, I took a taxi home. It wasn’t a date. Honestly, it seemed like he knew I needed a distraction at the very least. Once we got to Java Java and started talking, it was like we were old friends from school or something. It was nice…and it was kind of weird at the same time.”
“What was weird about it?” Emily questioned seriously.
“Well, I’ve been on plenty of dates, but I’ve never really made a friend as an adult before. There’s been associates, classmates, coworkers, neighbors…but I’ve never actually made a friend and that’s what last night felt like. He didn’t try to come on to me. He wasn’t flirtatious. He wasn’t anything like I expected. It felt like I made a friend. And that was weird, but nice. Does that make any sense at all?” I explained.
“Aww Sahara… Of course it makes sense. It does. And I’m happy for you. But just be careful. You’re hot. He’s hot. I’m sure he was looking to be more than friends.”
“You’re right. I wasn’t thinking straight. It was that damn Dr. Summers. She wasted no time getting in my head. Ugh… I don’t know. Ben and I talked—his name is Ben by the way and he’s a doctor. And—”
“Wait, wait so because I found a handsome doctor you had to one up me by getting a handsome doctor with an accent? You bitch!” Emily interrupted giddily.
I bumped my head against the headboard as I laughed loudly. “First of all, he has his Ph.D. in Social Psychology so he’s not a doctor like Anthony is a doctor so you’re safe. And second of all, I didn’t get him. All he is to me is a funny guy who just happened to be a decent conversationalist. That’s it.”
“Mmmm hmmm… you slept with him didn’t you?” Emily joked.
My laughter turned hysterical as lack of sleep mixed with Emily’s extra comments. I tipped over onto my side and grabbed my stomach, unable to get myself together. For the next five minutes, we struggled to contain ourselves. Any and everything we said from that point forward cracked us up.
“Sleeping with him is not the way to mend this broken heart,” I responded when I caught my breath. The reality of my heart being in shambles sobered me up quickly. We both fell silent.
“I know. I’m just playing with you,” Emily said hurriedly. “It’s good to hear you laugh again. It’s been a long time. And I’m proud of you for taking a chance and making a friend. And for going to therapy. Most importantly, for going to therapy,” Emily overcompensated with an enthused cheer.
“I appreciate you saying all of that, but just the fact that making a friend and going to therapy being proud moments…it speaks volumes about how messed up I am.”
“It speaks volumes about you being such a badass survivor. A lot has happened in the last 10 years. But look at you right at this moment: you have an amazing job, you have an amazing place in an amazing city, you have an amazing sense of style, and you have amazing people in your life that love you. You have so many positives, but you can only see the negatives because of all that guilt you carry around with you,” Emily countered seriously.
“But I have every reason to feel guilty Em. After being in Bakersfield for the last seven weeks, I’ve tried to convince myself that the move was necessary and that I was being selfless by letting them go. But the way I handled it…the way I handled everything was not right. I just walked away from everyone and everything again. Again. And in my heart, I know that was messed up.” I sighed deeply and Emily was silent on the other end.
“I took the coward’s way out. But there’s nothing I can really do about it now. I made this bed, so I must lie in it,” I finished quietly.
“I wish there was a way for everything to magically fix itself or for all the bad that’s ever happened to be erased. But since there isn’t, you are doing the next best thing. I’m glad you are going to therapy again. I think it is really going to help.”
“Like I had a choice! You pretty much threatened me,” I accused with mock indignation.
“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” Emily replied lightheartedly.
“And this is why I love you.”
“I love you too. Now, tell me about your session.”
“Dr. Summers seems nice. She’s better than the one from undergrad. It took me weeks to open up to that one and in this one session, Dr. Summers had me talking and crying about Dad and everything else. The whole session took me by surprise. And honestly, it was the only reason I agreed to go get coffee with Ben.”
“She sounds like exactly what you need, Sahara.” I could hear the optimism in her voice, which made me feel a little more optimistic and hopeful about the whole process.
“It would seem so,” I agreed hesitantly. “I’m just… I don’t know. Nervous? Anxious? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I just can’t continue to live my life like this, you know? I can’t keep hurting the people I love. I can’t…” I trailed off with my eyes closed.
“Sahara…” Emily started gently, “I know you haven’t been ready to talk about it, but—”
“No. If it’s about either of them, I’m still not ready,” I interrupted quickly.
Emily sighed. “I can’t keep lying to him Sahara. He’s a mess and we’re all worried about him. I think he knows that I’m lying about having contact information for you. I even think he tried to hack my computer.”
“On Monday, I can talk to one of the guys at work about the best package for you and send you a program.”
“Obviously, that’s not the point. The point is he is so desperate for information I think he might have tried to hack my computer. You know I love you. And you know I love him. And you also know I would love for you two—”
“Emily, please stop,” I begged. I shut my eyes tightly as the tears fought against the closed lids. “I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position. I plan to make it right. That’s one of the reasons I’m in therapy. I’m going to make amends. I know I owe them that much. But please stop. I can’t hear this right now. I can’t talk about this right now.”
Sighing loudly, Emily was quiet for a moment before she grunted, “Okay.”
“So how’s everything with Anthony? Didn’t you guys have a date last night?” I asked. I seized the opportunity to change the focus of the conversation to a subject Emily couldn’t refuse. Blinking back the tears, I focused on the sky as I stared out of the glass doors that led to the balcony.
Emily sighed wistfully, “Anthony is wonderful.
He planned this whole spa day for me next weekend. He was being very cute and awkward about it.”
I smiled at how happy Emily sounded. “I’m so happy for you Em. I think you’ve found The One.”
“I think so too,” she agreed.
She went on to talk about their Friday afternoon picnic date that quickly turned into an apology dinner at an expensive steakhouse after a bird shit on their picnic basket. We talked about RED Inc. and my coworkers who sit in their office and play Candy Crush all day. Like always, the conversation was lighthearted and fun, giving me a brief reprieve from the hurt and heartache that generally weighed me down. Then out of nowhere, there was an unmistakable shift in the conversation.
“Um…” Emily paused uneasily and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. “You remember that the opening of my dance studio is the Saturday of Labor Day weekend right?”
“Mmm hmmm,” I acknowledged with a mumbled affirmation sensing where the conversation was going.
“You are still coming right?” Emily inquired quietly.
A silence fell over the phone for the first time in the hour long conversation. I want to go. I want to be there for her. I want to make up for all the things I’d purposely missed over the years. I want to be the friend to her that she’s always been to me. But going means confronting Emanuel and I’m not ready to see him. Not yet. I’m not quite ready to confront everything that happened the last time I was in Thomasville…or what happened when he came to Richland. I know he wants…or at least I know what he wanted before I ran away and abandoned him…again. Why do I keep doing this? He deserves better. This is why I need to let him go, I thought guiltily.
“Sahara?” Emily’s voice sounded nervous.
“Hold on,” I huffed into the phone. Breathing heavily, I put the phone down and I sat up completely. I pushed the white embellished silk comforter and grey satin sheets off of my bare legs and I climbed out of the bed. Standing beside the bed, I leaned against the nightstand. Both of my hands gripped the sides of the small black table as I struggled to get ahold of my breath.
Taking deep breaths, I was able to ward off a complete panic attack in only a couple of minutes. I crawled across the bed and picked up the phone that was discarded between the pillows. The phone showcased my screensaver indicating that Emily had hung up.
It’s probably for the best that she hung up. I need time to think and that conversation was heading downhill fast. I’ll just text her, I thought as I went to my text messages. Before I could think of what to text, I received a text message from Emily.
Emily Mills: I hope you’re okay. I had to hang up because my doorbell rang and it was Dad and Manny. An hour early of course! Ugh! Anyway… I want you to be at my opening. Manny’s going to be there (obviously) and I know that seeing him will be hard for you. But if there is any possible way you can think about it, I would appreciate it. If you decide you can’t make it, I’ll understand. But I’d love to have you there.
Emily Mills: PS-Be careful with this Ben character. He sounds smooth and sex with him isn’t going to fix your issues! I’ll call you back when they leave. Love you!
I laughed dryly. I love that girl, I thought as I shook my head at her mixture of vulgarity and sisterly affection. I looked up and noticed that the movie I was half-watching before Emily called had gone off. In its place, Coming to America.
My eyes instantly watered and I turned the T.V. completely off. Coming to America used to be my favorite movie. It used to make me smile just thinking about the hilarious characters and the comedic genius that was displayed on film. Now it was just a painful reminder of a happier time in my life because Coming to America was Ty’s favorite movie too.
As the minutes rolled by in my silent bedroom, I felt myself sinking deeper into a pool of sadness, regret and guilt. My chest constricted and my lip quivered. My stomach knotted up. The love I felt for him was ever present, but unlike before his accident, it was tainted with guilt. Tyree deserved so much more than what I gave him. He saved me from myself. He brought me back to life. And what did I do? How did I repay him? I caused him heartache and pain. He saved me and I hurt him. He gave me strength and I left him in a hospital bed, I wailed silently. The tears fell in full force and I couldn’t do anything but give in.
When I woke up, the August sun was beating into the bedroom. Groaning, I pulled the pillow over my face briefly. Fatigue and sadness were the ultimate sleeping pill as I glanced at the time. Almost 2pm?! Great, I’ve done nothing but cry all morning. I need to get it together, I sighed. Pulling myself out of bed, I rushed to the ensuite bathroom to start my day.
Thirty minutes later, I was finally ready to leave my plush bedroom. The white room with white walls and grey and white carpeting served one purpose—to be my clean slate. My bedroom needed to be a safe haven since I spent most of my time in my king sized bed. Today is different though. Today I will venture out…into the living room, I thought sullenly.
I purchased two new movies and had three new books downloaded for a weekend in. Walking into my living room, my slippers slid across the polished hardwood floor. A large flat screen TV was mounted above the fireplace. My couch, love seat and two oversized chairs were arranged around the room. The heather grey of the fabric contrasted nicely with the navy blue throw pillows and area rug that sat below the coffee table. I grabbed the movies from the coffee table and decided on the action movie and put it in the DVD player. Hitting pause, I tossed the remote onto the couch and moved to the kitchen. Although the plan was to lounge around all day in my Victoria’s Secret satin and lace camisole and short set, I needed to eat first. After the emotional rollercoaster I’d subjected myself to, I needed comfort food.
My kitchen was a work of art and besides the doorman and security desk, it was the deciding factor in selecting One38 as my new home. The white granite countertops contrasted nicely with the black appliances. Even though I had lived in the luxury apartment for the last seven weeks, it still looked like a model apartment. Everything in the luxury apartment was sleek and clean. As I looked around the kitchen into the living and dining room areas, I realized I took the minimalist approach to design this time around. Can’t ever get too comfortable, I reminded myself as I reflected on my kneejerk reaction to flee.
As the pasta boiled, I took a moment to hook up my iPod to the wireless speakers. Hitting play, I turned to the freezer to pull out garlic bread. Quickly getting the bread into the oven and pouring myself a glass of wine, I leaned against the counter and reread Emily’s text message. Even though I tried, I couldn’t shake the fact that I was planning on missing another milestone in Emily’s life because of my inability to cope. Or the fact that I had Emily covering my tracks by lying to Emanuel. Or that I walked away from Emanuel…again. Or that I was the reason Ty was in an accident. Or that I left Ty while he was still in the hospital. Swallowing a gulp of the sweet liquid, I just barely managed to swallow the lump that formed in my throat.
When the song switched and ‘Trouble’ played through the apartment, the haunting lyrics hit a little too close to home. Putting the glass down, I rubbed my face slowly. I don’t try to hurt the people I love but I keep doing it. I don’t mean to cause trouble but when I think I’m making things better, I always end up making things worse. I keep doing this. Things have to change. I have to change. And I have to make things right. I can’t keep doing this to the people I love most in this world. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need to make things right. As soon as possible, I thought decisively.
Drowning the last of my wine, I sent Emily a text message.
Sahara Lee: I’ll be there.
Chapter 5
“Good evening, Sahara! How are you?” Dr. Ann Summers said as she opened the front door to the building. She wore a plum colored wrap dress with green polka dots. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun on the top of her head, showcasing her long dangling earrings. She looked so youthful, yet her grey hair gave her a certain distinguished quality. How old is she? I
wondered.
“Hi, Dr. Summers. I’m well. How are you?” I responded politely as I slipped passed her into the empty waiting room.
“I’m fantastic. This week has flown by,” she exclaimed, closing the door behind me. “That is a lovely suit you have on. When I was your age, I wore white all summer long.”
“Thank you,” I replied with a smile. She said ‘when I was your age’ so I’m going to guess mid-forties…but her skin looks like she’s in her thirties and her hair looks like she’s in her fifties, I thought as I followed her to her office. I just don’t know, I mused silently as I switched my black leather Michael Kors handbag to my other arm and entered the cinnamon scented office.
“Have a seat,” Dr. Summers directed, handing me a bottle of water. I took it and sat down in one of the brown chairs. I smoothed the imaginary wrinkles out of my white Burberry London capri slacks and buttoned the matching white short sleeved jacket before taking a seat. With my legs crossed, the toe of my black Michael Kors pump tapped the leg of the chair rapidly and repeatedly. Bracing myself for another emotional session, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. And then another.
“How are you feeling Sahara?” Dr. Summers asked as I heard her get comfortable in the chair across from where I was seated.
“I’m fine,” I said quietly. When I opened my eyes, I saw her glancing at my foot. I stopped mid tap. Clearing my throat, I repeated, “I’m fine.” Straightening in my seat, I struggled to produce a smile.
“Would you like to pick up where we left off last Friday or would you like to talk about something new? It’s up to you. I’m sensing there’s something on your mind.”
“Yes. There is. Um, I made a decision over the weekend and I’m having…reservations,” I admitted as I rubbed my hand up and down my arm. I wasn’t cold, but I was shaking.
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