“Can I speak with you? Alone. I won’t take up too much of your time,” I whispered nervously. The stilled silence in the room made me acutely aware of how fast my heart was beating. I could hear the blood rushing through my veins. And I could almost see animosity directed toward me.
After a moment, Ty responded, “Fine. You have five minutes. Bennett, can you check on things in the lounge please?”
Bennett looked conflicted before he grunted an affirmation and left the office.
“You have five minutes,” Ty reminded me as he walked around to his desk and sat in his chair. He leaned back and propped his head up with his fist. His fingers slowly stroked his beard. I was hypnotized by the movement of his fingers deftly stroking the dark hair of his neatly trimmed beard.
I cleared my throat and glanced around the room nervously. “I’m glad you were here. The woman up front…Lily, I believe her name is, said you weren’t here. I was worried,” I started.
He stared at me impassively and I struggled to find the words to say to him. Everything I had thought to say escaped me as I looked into his beautiful brown eyes. I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I could hear my heart beginning to race and I didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of him. It was bad enough when it happened before I really knew him. Now, I don’t think I could take the rejection if he watched me hyperventilate, I thought worriedly. I opened my mouth again and only a gasp came out.
“I informed my staff to divert all inquiries to Bennett while I’ve been in Boston working more closely with Motive. You have four minutes,” he responded curtly.
The cold, formal way in which he was speaking and looking at me was beginning to take its toll. My defenses were wearing thin and my eyes filled with tears. I began again, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Ty. I…” My voice faltered as I stood before him. In my head, this was going to go differently. I was going to say my piece, beg for forgiveness, and then walk out with my head held high. I mean, I knew I was going to be nervous, but I didn’t imagine I’d be as nervous as I am, I thought as I swallowed hard to force the bile I felt rising.
Ty didn’t say anything. He just continued to stare at me as the crease between his furrowed brows deepened. Without any inflection in his cold voice, he stated, “You’re sorry that you cheated? You’re sorry that you brought him to the hospital? You’re sorry you got caught? You’re sorry you left some half-assed note? You’re sorry that you led me to believe you were someone that you aren’t? Fully break it down for me. Because for the last couple of months, I’ve been at a loss as to what you meant by I’m sorry.”
I felt as though I had been slapped across the face. Hard. His words stung and the mixture of hurt and fury in his eyes was painful to have directed at me. But the truth in his statement hurt worse. I am a horrible person, I thought as I tried to break eye contact. I wanted to look away, but I deserved to take everything he was throwing at me. Even if it broke me down in the process.
My voice broke as I said, “I’m sorry Tyree. Everything you said is true. And I’m sorry for everything. You are…” Fat tears fell and as quickly as they came, I wiped them away. “You are a good man and you didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I called and I waited and—”
“Ty.” A sultry voice drawled from the door, interrupting my apology. “You in here?”
I dried my face quickly and looked curiously from Ty to the short hallway and then back at Ty. He offered nothing in response and just sat back in his chair, watching me. His fingers stroked his beard and his eyes didn’t leave mine. The office door clicked closed and in seconds a leggy model type strutted into the room. Her already tall frame was supported on electric blue stiletto heels. Her light brown skin contrasted beautifully with the white tank dress. The dress was short and tight and fit her light a glove. Her long, light brown tresses flowed down her back and each strand was perfectly placed.
“Oh, pardon me. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m Ava,” she extended her hand to me. Ava’s Spanish accent was heavy, but her English was clear. She’s beautiful and polite, I silently noted as I shook her hand.
Although I was a mess inside, pretending that I wasn’t was second nature to me. “I’m Sahara,” I replied confidently.
Ava smiled and a flicker of recognition crossed her eyes. “Nice to meet you, Sahara.” Turning her body to look at Ty, she continued, “Ty, I don’t mean to intrude on your conversation, but can I speak with you before I leave?”
I rotated my head to look at Ty. The room was absolutely silent as we waited for his response. He held my gaze and my heart beat increased as he studied me. I lost all semblance of thought. I lost my ability to breathe. It felt as though my next move was predicated on Ty’s next move. Without taking his eyes off of me, he responded, “Of course, Ava. We’re done here.”
A rush of air escaped my lungs as I took his words like a punch to the gut. Ava tossed her hair over her shoulder and pursed her lips. She didn’t turn to look my way, but I could tell she was satisfied with Ty’s decision. I didn’t embarrass easily; but, the hurt and embarrassment burned my cheeks and I was sure my brown skin had reddened. I brought my hand to my neck and tried to will my heartbeat to slow down. Leave with your head held high…cry after you leave, I instructed myself as I bit the tip of my tongue and smoothed the side of my hair.
Ty stood and walked around his desk. “Have a seat Ava and I’ll see Sahara out,” Ty commanded. Ava slinked her way to the couch and made herself comfortable.
I stood awkwardly in front of the desk before I followed Ty to the hallway leading out of his office. I didn’t know what to say. My emotions were all over the place. I deserved the cold way he’s treating me. I deserve it. I did him wrong. But I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect things to be so bad. It hurts. It hurts worse than I thought it was going to. And I thought it was going to be extremely painful, I thought as we reached the door.
Facing him, I stood on the outside of the office and looked at my shoes. “Ty, I didn’t get a chance to finish what I came here to say,” I whispered unevenly, my voice cracking with emotion. After getting the words out without letting the tears fall, I took a chance and looked up at him.
Sighing, Ty’s eyes met mine. Instead of the anger I expected to see, I saw hurt. “You’ve said enough,” he whispered before he closed the door gently in my face.
The patrons heading in different directions, some upstairs to the lounge and some through the restaurant doors, were a blur as I jogged as quickly as I could out of Jimmy’s. With my eyes blurred with tears, I couldn’t see straight. Don’t cry yet, don’t cry yet don’t cry yet, I chanted to myself as I ran down the steps and to the sidewalk. Taking out my cellphone, I called the taxi company I used to use when I lived in Richland. Before the taxi I called could arrive, another taxi happened to drive by. Hailing it, I was in the safety of the taxi and headed to The Four Seasons before I let the sobs take over.
Getting myself together, I walked with as much dignity as I could muster with a damp face and blood shot eyes through the lobby of the hotel. Arriving to my room, I kicked off my pumps and stripped. Grabbing my toiletries, I headed to the bathroom to take a long hot shower. Releasing the rest of the pent up tears, I was able to let the water wash away some of the embarrassment, hurt and guilt.
Finishing my bathroom routine, I pulled on a pair of cream silk shorts and a matching cream and purple tank top. Stretching out across the bed, I felt like crying again but I was too weak. I was all cried out. “I need music,” I mumbled to myself. I picked up my phone and before I got to my playlist, I sent the same text message to both Emily and Ben.
Sahara Lee: Update: Mission not accomplished. Things didn’t go well. Don’t want to talk about it. Flight arrives back in Pennsylvania at 2pm. We can talk then.
Emily Mills: You went to make amends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But bottom line, you went and you tried. If you apologized and explained yourself, that’s all you can do. If you didn’t, find a wa
y to make it happen. You can only control you. Him forgiving you is up to him. You trying is what’s important. I’m proud of you. Love you!
Ben Sullivan: You aren’t a quitter. Fix that shit.
Reading and rereading their messages, I found the strength to pull myself out of bed. They’re right. I came here for a reason. If he won’t talk to me, I’ll have to do the next best thing. I’ll write him a letter. Something a little more substantial than the ‘I’m sorry’ note I wrote him before I left for Pennsylvania, I thought, sitting at the desk that faced the window. Dear God, give me the strength, I prayed.
Tapping the pen against the hotel stationary, I gathered my thoughts. Hitting shuffle on my playlist, I stared over the city. I didn’t know where to begin so I wrote ‘I was so wrong.’ Suddenly, ‘Fumble’ started playing through my phone. The lyrics were spot on and as I poured my heart out, I broke down and cried. Again.
Chapter 8
Sliding my sunglasses further up the bridge of my nose, I walked out of the airport. The humidity stopped me in my tracks as I stood just outside of the sliding glass doors. The air conditioning could only faintly be felt on the back of my legs. My vintage Betsey Johnson white romper with black polka dots clung to my skin instantly as the charmeuse fabric and humidity collided.
I dug inside my red crossbody bag and pulled out my cell phone. Before I could call Ben to find out his whereabouts, his Prius pulled up to the curb. I tapped my red ballet flat impatiently as he attempted to get his car perfectly in the parking spot. Once he stopped completely to let a car maneuver past him as he struggled to park, I jumped into the car.
“Hey! I was going to help you with your luggage after I parked,” Ben pointed out as he eyed me suspiciously.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked as I tossed my tote into the backseat.
“Let’s start again, Sunshine,” Ben snapped. “Hello.”
I sighed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I just want to get home. I’ve been up all night.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing that I feel like talking about. I just want to go home. Please.” I clicked my seatbelt in place and rested my head against the window.
“Well when you are ready to talk, I’m here,” Ben said as the car lurched away from the curb and into traffic. Pressing a few buttons against the dashboard, loud classical music erupted from the speakers.
“Sorry, I didn’t know I had it up that loud. I’m looking for a piece for class,” Ben apologized as he turned the music down. I didn’t respond. The rest of the ride home was silent.
After being dropped off and refusing help with my bags, I made my way through the Great Room. Not bothering to take my sunglasses off, I attempted to smile politely at the small group of people gathered to wait for the elevator. The blank stare I got in return led me to believe my goal of actually looking pleasant wasn’t achieved. Too exhausted and sad to care, I backed into the far corner of the elevator with my tote on my shoulder. Standing with six others in the crowded elevator, the trip to my tenth floor apartment seemed endless.
When the elevator stopped on my floor, I was the only person left in the elevator. Dragging my weary body down the hall, I felt my eyes well up with tears behind my dark oversized sunglasses. I did all I could do, I thought as I pulled out my keys and entered my home. I tried to talk to him. He shut me out. Literally. He shut me out of his office which was probably a metaphor for him shutting me out of his life. I just hope he can forgive me one day. I poured my heart out into that letter. That’s all I could do.
Removing my sunglasses, I opened the door and waited for the instant calm to take over. It didn’t happen. I hadn’t been living in One38 long enough for the new apartment to be my place of instant solace. Sighing, I walked to my bedroom and emptied the contents of my tote into the laundry basket. I kicked off my shoes, tossed my bag on the bench and then made a beeline for the kitchen. Wine, chocolate cake, and more wine, I contemplated my afternoon menu. Grabbing a bottle of Blandy's Malmsey Madeira, a slice of chocolate cake and my phone, I walked to the balcony and sat in the chaise lounge chair. Running the length of my bedroom, the balcony was long, but not wide.
Placing the wine and cake on the small table beside the chaise, I picked up my phone and called Emily.
“Hey! How are you?” Emily asked after the second ring.
Sighing dramatically, I answered glumly, “I’m okay. How are you?”
“I’d be doing better if you’d tell me what happened,” Emily encouraged.
Twenty minutes and several chugs of wine later, I told Emily everything that happened at Jimmy’s.
“Oh wow… I’m so sorry Sahara. That’s brutal!” Emily groaned.
“Yeah, I know,” I said dryly.
“He didn’t have to carry it like that. He could’ve… I don’t know!” Emily exclaimed in frustration.
“Yeah…” I dragged the word out. “So… that happened.”
“Well I know you didn’t just leave it like that.”
I took another sip of wine. “No. I didn’t. I went there to tell him everything so I wrote him a letter.”
“What did it say?”
“I told him everything. I mean, I already cleared up the misunderstanding with your text before so I didn’t get into that whole thing again. But I explained everything. I explained why Emanuel was at the hospital with me. I explained my numerous conversations with Bennett and how he kept me away from the hospital. I explained that I didn’t leave without trying to see him, talk to him, or check on him. I explained why I left Richland. Why I left him.” I took another swig of the delicious dessert wine before I continued, “I put it all out there. Four pages worth of guilt-ridden apologies signed sealed and delivered. Dr. Summers should be proud.”
“What did she say when you told her you were going to do it?”
“She said her concern was in how I was going to handle their reactions.”
Emily didn’t say anything for a moment. “How are you handling things?”
I eyed the wine bottle as I responded, “I’m handling things. Maybe not in the best way today, but I’ll be okay tomorrow. I just need the rest of today to sulk. I haven’t been to sleep yet.”
“Do you think he’ll respond to your letter? I mean, you did leave a P.O. Box address or a burner phone number or something, right?”
The tentativeness in her voice made me sad. Leaving and leaving without a trace is what I am good at. Was good at. Was, I thought to myself firmly.
“I did. I left him my real address and my real phone number. I don’t ever want to just disappear on anyone I care about again. He may hate me, but it’s because I hurt him. He wasn’t always so cold. He used to treat me like a queen. But I don’t blame his new attitude towards me on him. I did that…” I cleared my throat. “And I would love the opportunity to apologize to him in person or even over the phone if he doesn’t want to see me again. I just feel like between talking it out with him and talking it out with Emanuel that will lift some of the weight that’s on my shoulders. You know?”
“I just…what if…” Emily stammered.
I nervously pulled at the leg of my romper. The humidity had died down considerably as the storm clouds started rolling in, but it was still a warm afternoon. Taking a deep breath and a sip of liquid courage, I blurted out, “Just say it.”
Pausing for a minute, the only sound that could be heard were the cars below. Emily cleared her throat gently and then said, “You put it all out there in that letter. I just kind of hoped that the letter would’ve been enough to lift some of the weight off of you. Only because… well… what if he decides he isn’t going to respond. Same goes for Manny when you see him. If you do everything you can do, that should be enough. If you mess up, you take responsibility for it, you apologize, you explain yourself and that’s it. That’s all you can do, Sahara. If they decide to forgive you, that’s on them. You know?”
I didn’t say anything in response.
I took a bite of cake and just let Emily’s words wash over me. Is leaving well enough alone enough for me to release the guilt? I mused as I chewed the soft chocolate. I don’t know. The silence stretched between us because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond.
Emily sniffled, “I just worry about you. I don’t want something to happen to take you away from me again. This has been the best summer in a long time. I have you. I have Anthony. Life is good.”
“I’m not disappearing again, Em,” I said softly.
We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. The sound of the TV could be heard on her end. The sound of the city below me traveled up and created a chaotic soundtrack on my end. Breaking the silence, I announced, “I’m looking forward to your opening.”
“Me too.”
After the conversation ended and I feverishly cleaned the apartment, I took a long hot bath. Soaking in the water, I took a sleeping pill and I tried to clear my mind of everything. I didn’t want to think about Tyree Barker. I didn’t want to think about the way Tyree Barker closed the door in my face. I didn’t want to think about the way Tyree Barker completely shut me down and dismissed me. I didn’t want to think about Tyree Barker and Ava. I just didn’t want to think about anything that happened over the weekend. For the first time in 48 hours, all I wanted to do was sleep.
I jerked awake with my heart racing. My face rubbed against the damp pillow as I struggled to sit up. The sleeping pill made me so groggy that my body didn’t seem to recognize that my mind was awake. Lying on my back, I stared at the ceiling with my hand over my heart. I don’t even think it’s possible for my heart to beat any faster than it’s beating now, I thought as the second wave of panic started gearing up. I can’t even remember what the dream was… I can’t even remember falling asleep. Fighting the urge to cry, I willed my body to move.
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