Swallowing hard, I whispered, “I want—”
I jumped at the sound of the car door slamming closed, shattering the intimate moment. “Yo Mills! We have to go man!” a voice called from the car still parked in front of Emily’s house. “I’m not trying to cock-block. You can bring her with us. We just need to leave now so I can go get Tisha.”
Emanuel took a step back from me and let his fingers slide down my arm. He didn’t take his eyes off of me. Please don’t go. Please don’t go. Please don’t go, I prayed as I stood, still shaken from his touch.
He took a few steps backwards and then he turned to walk back to the car. I can’t let him leave like this. Things will be awkward at Emily’s opening and then, what if he avoids me for the duration of my visit? How am I supposed to make amends if I’m making things worse? I thought as I watched him walk away.
“Emanuel!” I yelled and jogged over to him just as he was reaching the end of the driveway. “Please stay. Please let me talk to you. I need to talk to you. Please,” I begged softly as I stood before him.
Moments passed as he silently assessed me. I waited with baited breath for his response. “Quentin, go get Tisha. I’ll either borrow Em’s car or I’ll take a taxi,” Emanuel called back to the car. His eyes didn’t leave mine and I felt my skin flushed.
“It’ll just take thirty minutes and I can just come back and get you after I pick Tisha up. My stuff is still at your house,” Quentin responded.
Emanuel broke eye contact long enough to look over at his friend. “Oh yeah, that’s right. My bad. Thirty minutes is cool with me. I appreciate it. Thanks Q,” Emanuel said.
Quentin pulled off, leaving Emanuel and I standing at the end of the driveway. The bright motion lights shined on us as we silently made our way back to the darkened porch. I’m so glad he stayed. But I only have thirty minutes, so I have to get this apology right, I thought as I stole a glance at him. Sitting in the spot I only minutes ago vacated, I squared my shoulders and looked at Emanuel who was standing at the bottom of the steps.
“Would you like to sit down?” I asked tentatively.
“No. I’m fine standing. What’s up Sahara? What did you want to talk about?”
My eyes traveled down the length of Emanuel’s body. He ran his hands through his hair and then laced his fingers behind his head. His upraised arms caused his shirt to strain across his biceps and chest. He is distracting…, I thought as a wave of salacious thoughts and feelings flooded my mind and body. Focus! I only have thirty minutes to get him to forgive me and to not hate me forever. I don’t have time to get distracted by the way his tongue moves over his full lips. Or the way his muscles move underneath his clothing. Or the way his grey eyes are skimming over my body even though he is obviously trying not to…
Shaking my head, I cleared the thoughts away. My voice was thick with emotion as I said, “I’m sorry Emanuel. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. I messed up. I thought I would be doing you a favor by leaving.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and even in the shadows of the porch, his grey eyes bore into mine as he glared furiously. “You thought you would be doing me a favor? So you change your number, move away, and completely cut me off after I tell you that I love you? Please explain that to me.”
I felt my eyes watering, but I was determined not to cry. I have to get through this conversation without becoming a blubbering mess, I thought as I bit the tip of my tongue. Taking a deep breath, I continued, “You know what happened to you. You saw what happened to Ty. I ruin lives. Getting involved with me causes bad things to happen and I just couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you.”
He didn’t say anything so I continued, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was wrong for leaving without saying anything at all. I was wrong for purposely trying to stay hidden. I was wrong for so many things. But it wasn’t an easy decision to leave. It was just the option I was most comfortable with. For the last ten years, running and hiding is all that I’ve known! That’s how I’ve managed to survive with the guilt.”
“Are you still on this guilt shit? I think that’s a cop out!”
Shocked, I leaned forward, bracing my elbows on my knees and cocked my head to the side. “A cop out! Are you kidding?” I snapped incredulously. “Do you think I want to feel guilty about how I hurt the people I love all the time? You think that I like knowing that once you get involved with me, something bad will happen? I don’t want to ruin your life.”
Shaking his head and taking a step back from the steps, he muttered, “You are so busy trying not to ruin things that you end up ruining it.”
“Obviously, my intent wasn’t to ruin anything. I thought it was the best thing for you, Emanuel,” I said through clenched teeth. He’s not the only one who is irritated, I thought as I watched the sexy way his arms bulged as he crossed and uncrossed his arms irritably.
“Yet here we are! Again,” Emanuel yelled into the quiet night, throwing his hands up in frustration. Lowering his voice, he sighed, “I can’t do this again.” He rubbed his hand over his face.
I flinched, not expecting his outburst or his resignation. My heart stopped for a second before it resumed beating at an accelerated rate. Wait what? What can’t he do again? I thought in a panic. The frustration and irritation I was feeling diminished into a hollow pit inside me as I replayed his last words to me. It hurt to have him upset with me, but it killed me to hear that he was ready to give up on us. I was only somewhat surprised by my emotional reaction to his words. I’m in love with him so of course I’m going to be bothered by his words. But if just the thought of losing him is breaking me, is letting him go really the best thing for me to do? No, what am I saying? Of course it’s the best things for me to do. He’s better off without me. Look at what I’ve done to him. He won’t forgive me if something happens again so I might as well…I can’t even think it. How am I supposed to walk away from what I feel for Emanuel and I can’t even think the words? I have to be strong. If I have a chance of making up with Emanuel now, I have to take it. I’m sure something will happen to ruin things between us and it’ll be the most devastating loss outside of losing my parents, I considered suddenly, my chest aching in response to the thought. If my failed attempt to make amends with Ty taught me anything, it’s that apologies don’t always go as planned.
Instead of communicating my feelings to him as we stared at one another, I felt my defenses starting to come up. Before I could think through my next thought, the words were out of my mouth. “If you feel for me, what I feel for you, why did it take you ten years to do something about it?!” I yelled as my heart pounded in my chest.
“What?” he asked in a disconcerted rush of air. The shock on his face was evident.
Lowering my voice, I repeated, “Why did it take you ten years Emanuel?”
“Like I told you before, I woke up from a coma and you were gone. What was I supposed to think Sahara? What was I supposed to do? You were gone and left no forwarding address, no phone number, nothing! You chose to leave. That’s why I didn’t go after you. You made a choice.”
My eyes blurred with tears and my breathing became labored. “And then you made the choice to marry Ashlyn.” My voice sounded foreign as I choked on tears and hypocrisy. Dr. Summers would be proud, I thought sarcastically as soon as the statement was out of my mouth. What am I doing? I’m supposed to be taking responsibility for what I did and instead, I’m calling him out on stuff he already apologized for. So… I guess I’m not over him being engaged. But this isn’t the time or the place. I have to get it together. This conversation has taken a turn for the worst. I’m supposed to be trying to make amends, not make things worse. But God, he was going to marry Ashlyn?! I just…I can’t wrap my mind around it, I thought as a whimper escaped my lips at the thought of Emanuel engaged to Ashlyn.
“We were both in relationships Sahara! Don’t turn this around on me. Don’t do that.”
“You’re right. We were. But marriage
Emanuel? I need to know. I need to hear it from you. I need to hear it again,” I replied, my voice changed due to the tears choking me.
“You want specifics. Fine,” Emanuel growled before he launched into the history of his relationship with Ashlyn.
He met Ashlyn at a bar after a gig and he asked her out. Things started out casually and one day, when Mrs. Mills questioned him about settling down, he said he was dating Ashlyn exclusively. And then he realized it was true. At the two year mark, Ashlyn started hounding him about an engagement and she gave him an ultimatum. When nothing happened, she amended her ultimatum and purchased a ring. From that point forward, she started claiming they were engaged and he just went with it.
I listened intently as he spoke, trying to keep my emotions in check. With each sentence that erupted from him, my heart and my spirit broke a little more. I was barely holding it together when he finally told me about their breakup and how he cut off all contact with her. Apparently, she accepted it until a couple of days ago when she started trying to contact him again.
He concluded, “I broke things off with Ashlyn because it was the best thing to do for all of us. She’s been calling a lot recently, but eventually she’ll realize why this was the best thing for her too.”
Emanuel lowered his voice and looked at me in disbelief. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. And the only reason I left Richland without you was because the timing seemed wrong and I didn’t want to push you. I thought it would be a real asshole move if I made you choose while he was in the hospital.” He shook his head before he whispered, “But I didn’t expect you to choose him. I can’t shake what I feel for you and I know you feel the same way. So I didn’t expect you to choose him. And that’s on me. I—”
“I didn’t run off with him,” I interjected as I wiped the tears off of my face with my gloved hand. Loudly exhaling past the lump in my throat, I was able to prevent the next set of tears from falling.
“What?” Emanuel’s well-developed chest heaved as I heard his breathing intensify.
I cleared my throat so I didn’t sound as hoarse and stammered, “I—I didn’t run off with him. I left because I thought it would be better for both of you.”
I told him about everything that happened when I went to Thomasville last weekend, including how I mailed an apology letter. I could tell it was hard for him to hear, but he listened. I’m sure the look he had on his face when I was telling him what happened with Tyree was the same look I wore during his telling of his relationship with Ashlyn.
Emanuel took another step back. He ran both hands through his thick hair as he stood on the walkway staring at me. “What are you doing to me?” He said it more to himself than to me. Then he abruptly turned and walked down the driveway, triggering the motion lights to cut on. His hands rested on the top of his head as I watched his retreating frame. I initially thought he was pacing until he walked to the edge of Emily’s property. He paused for a moment and I stood up. By the time I made it down the steps, he turned right and started down the street.
I ran after him. He was at Emily’s neighbor’s mailbox when I grabbed his arm. He shrugged me off and continued to walk.
“Emanuel, stop!” I called out to him, but I didn’t want to scream to disrupt the quiet neighborhood.
Emanuel spun around and stalked over to me. With only a few inches separating us, I had to look up to maintain eye contact. Again, with him being so close, I was inundated with his smell, his heat, his proximity. Breathe, breathe, breathe, I repeated to myself as I lost myself in his eyes.
“Say it,” Emanuel’s voice was hoarse as he shook his head solemnly.
Feeling conflicted about confessing my feelings, I started, “I—”
“Sahara!” Emily screamed from the open front door.
I jumped at the sudden interruption. Turning to look back at Emily’s house, I shouted back, “I’m here. I’m fine!”
“Who is—Manny is that you?” Emily asked. The light from inside the house illuminated the porch as she stepped out of the house in sweatpants and a tank top, rubbing her arms. It was only then that I noticed that the temperature had dropped.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Emanuel called back. He pointed down the street. “I’m just heading home. I’ll see you tomorrow sis.”
I looked over my shoulder and saw the red car pulling up. I don’t have much time. I have to say it, I thought silently as I nervously wiped the corners of my eyes. I faced Emanuel and I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I’m scared. No, I’m terrified, I realized. Is that why I’m pushing him away?
Again, I opened my mouth and then closed it. The moment for me to finally say to him what I’ve wanted to say came and went. I’ve loved him for the vast majority of my life and for whatever reason I could not get the words out. I choked.
Emanuel gave me a sidelong glance and shook his head before he said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything but watch as he walked toward the moving car. When the car slowed to a stop beside him, he opened the backdoor of the four door sedan.
“Emanuel,” I uttered with fresh tears in my eyes.
Closing the door, he looked at me one more time. The hurt in his face broke me down and I tried to prevent the tears from falling. I don’t want to do this in front of Quentin and Tisha…I don’t even know them! But it’s either now or never, I thought as I squared my shoulders and walked over to him.
Tentatively, I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. I felt his heart pounding through the soft material of his shirt. Our bodies instinctively melded into one another. He hesitated before he wrapped his arms around me. Feeling his fingers stroke my bare back was all it took for the tears and the words to pour out of me.
“I’m sorry. Emanuel I’m sorry. I’m sorry I keep pushing you away. I’m sorry I keep running. I’m sorry for everything. Please forgive me. Please,” I wept softly into his shirt.
He was quiet for a moment before he gently cleared his throat. “Then say it,” he whispered against the top of my head.
I looked up at him and admitted softly, “I’m afraid.” Another round of tears fell as the admission left my lips.
Keeping one hand against the small of my back, he lifted his other hand and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Don’t be.”
“I just… I…” I faltered. My emotions were all over the place and my heart hurt. Looking into his eyes hurts, but I can’t look away. I could stare into his eyes forever. And that’s what scares me, I thought as felt the beginnings of a panic attack.
Emanuel wrapped his hands around my neck, holding my head steady with his thumbs. His grey eyes burned into mine, pleading with me as he put his forehead against mine. He sighed before he said, “Breathe. Just breathe.”
Sucking in air sharply, I stared into his eyes and concentrated on breathing. It only took about a minute to get myself under control, but it felt like an eternity.
Emanuel looked at me sadly and then slowly released me from his grasp. “I’ll see you tomorrow Sahara.”
Chapter 12
“What was that?” Emily asked as she handed me a cup of tea. She sat down next to me on the couch. With her leg tucked underneath her, she turned her body to face me, giving me her undivided attention.
Dropping my head back, I slouched down in the couch and sighed. “That was…a hot mess,” I groaned as I covered my face with my hands. With my eyes closed, I informed Emily of the conversation that just took place.
“What I think is weird is that he told me a couple of days ago that he was going to bring the portable projector to the studio…on Saturday.” She emphasized the word Saturday. “Yet he brought the projector that he’s going to have to hook up on Saturday to me tonight…after his show…the night you are here. You don’t think that’s weird?”
Exhaling a long, hard breath, I shook my head and closed my eyes. “I don’t know Em. I don’t know. I don’t know anythin
g anymore. ”
We were both quiet for a minute; the light tapping of my foot against the floor was the only sound. My phone vibrated loudly inside my clutch, shattering the silence. I sat up and pulled out my phone. Maybe it’s Emanuel, I thought hopefully.
Ben Sullivan: My phone died yesterday. You made it?
I sighed as I read the text. The disappointment of it not being Emanuel was only matched by the regret of how my attempt at making amends and apologizing went. I rubbed my temples in tiny circles. Between the emotional altercation with Emanuel and the lack of sleep, I felt the throb of my headache all over. The throbbing pain was stretched from temple to temple, yet the epicenter of the pain was in my chest. My heart hurt.
Sahara Lee: Yes. Thanks. Going to bed soon. Call you tomorrow.
“Was that Manny?” Emily asked, sipping her tea. “And drink your tea, it’s probably cold.”
“No, it was Ben,” I said as I picked up my teacup and sipped the lukewarm beverage. I made a face and Emily giggled. I don’t know why she is always experimenting with different teas. It’s gross, I thought as I took another sip.
“Okay what’s up with you and Ben?”
I put the cup down and looked at her seriously. “Nothing. We are friends. Just friends.”
“Mmm hmm…” She looked at me through squinted eyes and pursed her lips. “Let’s say I believe you… you told me you didn’t have any friends and never made any friends and now all of a sudden, you’re hanging out with this guy every other night. I don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand either. Ordinarily, I don’t just befriend people. But it’s like I didn’t realize how lonely I was in Bakersfield until after therapy and he was there. Literally, he was there on the steps waiting for me. And no matter how much attitude I gave him, he gave it right back and it was…refreshing. Usually people are put off by my standoffish demeanor, but he wasn’t bothered by it. I don’t tell him much and he’s okay with it. Sometimes I just want to have someone to have dinner with me and he’s okay with it. Sometimes I want to sit with someone in silence while having dinner and he’s okay with it. You know me. This isn’t my norm.”
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