Once we got back to Serenity Resort and Spa and the other women were in their rooms, Emily wanted to have some girl-talk time. I followed her into her room and immediately took off my shoes.
“Did you have a good time?” I asked tentatively.
“Did I?! That was the most fun I’ve had since… I don’t know. Ever!” Emily responded excitedly. Throwing her body across the queen sized bed, landing with a thud. “I probably should’ve gotten drunk though. But the way Cassie, Bren, and Livie were putting them back, I wasn’t trying to look like that.”
I laughed in response. “They don’t drink often, do they?”
“No. So they were cutting loose. Tomorrow, I’m going to have to ask Brenda why she kept throwing herself at Darin!”
“And that was before she got drunk!”
“Yeah. That girl is a nut. I love her though. But she is cray!”
“So all in all, everything was okay?”
“Are you kidding me? Everything was amazing!”
“I’m glad!” I sat in the oversized chair in front of the bed, curling my feet underneath my folded legs. I rubbed my chilly legs and then looked up to find Emily watching me. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Patti told me what the other girls were saying. About Emanuel.”
Oh, I thought as I kept my face expressionless. “Okay…” I said, drawing the word out.
“Are you sure you’re okay singing with him? I want everything to go smoothly on Tuesday.”
“Everything will be perfect. I haven’t talked to him yet, but we both love you very much. Nothing will stop us from making sure your day is everything you’ve always dreamed it to be.”
Emily brushed the hair from her face and a serious look creased her features. “I don’t know what exactly was said the last time you two talked. And honestly, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever you two have going on. I love you both and I hope that everything will just run smoothly now that you’ve both moved on.”
As she said it, I felt my stomach drop. Moved on? I wondered. With his life? With Ashlyn?
I opened my mouth to speak, but a knock on Emily’s door interrupted me. Emily and I looked at each other—my expression was questioning while hers was sheepish.
“Drinking makes me horny!” Emily whispered loudly before rolling onto her back in a fit of giggles.
“I knew you were texting him! You were smiling way too hard to be checking emails!” Rolling my eyes, I scolded her playfully. “Geez, you couldn’t wait one more day!”
“He works Monday so if I don’t get any tonight, we won’t have sex again until our wedding night! You’d do the same thing!”
“Absolutely!” I said as the knock sounded at the door again. Putting on my shoes, I walked to the door and opened it without looking. Standing in the hallway was a tipsy Anthony who looked surprised to see me.
“Ummmm?!” he questioned, looking at the number on the door and then back at me. His facial expression was priceless.
“You’re at the right place,” I said with a laugh. “She’s inside.” I stepped back and let him in.
“Thank you, Sahara,” Anthony said as I closed the door behind me.
Turning to walk next door to my room, I froze. The broad shoulders and muscular body dressed in jeans and a leather jacket could’ve belonged to anyone. But the thick black hair and heavy black boots could only belong to one person.
“Emanuel?” I choked out, my heart beating wildly in my chest. My voice wasn’t loud, but I knew he heard me in the silent hallway. Other than my voice and subsequent haggard breathing, the only sound was the elevator making its way through the shaft. “Emanuel?” I repeated slightly louder.
Even from yards away, I could tell he heard me because he tensed up. Slowly, he turned around and just stared at me. The look he gave me gutted me and my eyes instantly welled up with tears. Biting the tip of my tongue, I took a few tentative steps toward him.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
Turning back toward the elevator, he pressed the down button in quick succession as if he thought it would make the elevator come faster. “No. I just came to help Anthony find the right room.”
“Please. I just need a minute of your time.” I continued walking toward him.
When the elevator doors opened, he walked in without a glance back in my direction. As the door was closing, I made a split second decision and stuck my arm in between the closing doors.
“What are you doing?” Emanuel barked. “What do you want?” His voice sounded tired.
I tucked my clutch under my arm and brought both of my hands to my heart. I didn’t want any awkwardness between us to negatively affect Emily’s wedding. I didn’t want any unresolved feelings to pop up. But when I looked into his eyes, I just wanted to tell him everything I was feeling. I wanted him to know that I was sorry that I shut him out completely. I wanted him to know that I did what I thought was right. I wanted him to know that I still thought about him. I wanted to tell him that I never meant to hurt him. I wanted to just confess everything to him and let him fix it for me, like he used to. But when I opened my mouth, only two words escaped. “I’m sorry,” I apologized sincerely. Even with the heels, I had to look up at him. His grey eyes were stormy and unfocused.
Stone faced, Emanuel turned away from me and faced the doors. As soon as the door opened, Emanuel bolted out. I struggled to keep up with him as his long legs moved swiftly across the lobby and through the exit.
“Fuck!” he yelled to the sky once he got to the end of the sidewalk.
I stopped in my tracks, rubbing my arms profusely. I forgot how cold it was, I thought as my teeth chattered.
“Why are you following me?” Emanuel asked with his back still turned to me.
“Because…” My words trailed off because I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t ready to see him. I didn’t expect to see him. But when I did, I couldn’t let him go without saying something.
“Because what?” Emanuel turned to face me. There was about ten feet between us, but it felt like at least ten miles.
“Because I’m sorry, Emanuel. I’m sorry I just cut you off. Please believe me, I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant—”
“To hurt me? Please say to hurt me so I can call you on your bullshit.”
If my skin wasn’t iced over and frozen, heat might have reddened my face. “This isn’t bullshit. This is me apologizing for all the hurtful things I’ve done. I wrote—”
Cutting me off, Emanuel snapped, “No, I’m done. I’m done!” The anger in his voice caused me to jump.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. My tears didn’t make it past my cheeks before the biting cold air dried them on my face. “I’m so sorry. I’m so…” My voice broke off as the sob rippled through my body. I felt weak and I was shaking from my core. The cold of winter and the sadness that I felt over the hurt I caused Emanuel seized my body. “You—you have a baby on the way,” I stammered through the sobs. “And you were engaged. And the accident. There was always something. There will—always…I figured it wasn’t—it wasn’t meant to be. But I never wanted to hurt you. I thought it would be better—”
Emanuel growled loudly before marching over to me and grabbing my arm. Crying, I allowed him to pull me through the front door of Serenity. When he abruptly stopped, he grabbed me by the shoulders and jostled me. “You are going to catch a fucking cold out there,” he muttered, rubbing my arms up and down with his hands.
As I thawed out, my crying started to subside. Peeking at him through my lashes, I couldn’t help the fresh wave of emotions that took over. I opened my mouth to say something, but Emanuel spoke first.
“You’re not crying those tears for me. You’re crying them for you. You walked away and cut my out of your life. You didn’t answer my calls. You just…” He shook his head. “Those tears are for you. You’re selfish and you did this to yourself. And I’m done, Sahara. Done. I’m walking away t
his time.”
And before I had time to react, he walked out.
Chapter 30
The party bus was relatively quiet on the ride back to Thomasville. Everyone slept except for Emily, Monique and I. Monique and Emily recapped the events of the night. With my oversized, black sunglasses covering my eyes, I sat with my head pressed against the window. Listening to music, I reflected over my life.
“Hey, you okay?” Emily asked, pulling my earbud out of my left ear.
When we met to walk down to breakfast, I didn’t mention seeing Emanuel. I didn’t want to make her worry about how her wedding was going to go. Not to mention that I can’t assure her things will be okay after the way Emanuel and I left things last night, I thought, my eyes burning with unshed tears. How did I get myself into this mess?
“Tired,” I stated softly. After I watched Emanuel walk away, I went up to my room and wrote in my journal until I saw the sun peeking through the clouds.
The trip back to Thomasville seemed to go by a lot faster than the trip to Serenity. By the time we arrived at Emily’s house, everyone was up and chatting about their experience. We gathered in Emily’s front yard and talked for 45 minutes before saying goodbye. As soon as everyone left, I was freshly showered and in a pair of grey yoga pants and a white T-shirt in no time. Climbing into the bed, I pulled my phone off of the charger and called Ty.
“Hey,” Ty answered, distracted.
“Hey, how are you?” I fluffed my pillows before turning onto my side.
“Busy,” he sighed. “How are you baby girl?”
“Uh oh, that doesn’t sound good. What’s wrong?”
“I can’t leave.”
“What?” I sat up straight in bed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disappoint you, and I tried to hold off on making the decision but I won’t be able to make it until Tuesday.”
Letting my head fall into my hands, I took a deep breath. “Why?”
“Things are busy right now. We have a private event that booked us for tomorrow. I can’t leave right now. I want to be there for you, with you. But I can’t leave.” He paused before he said, “I’m sorry baby girl. I’ll make it up to you.”
Finding my voice in a sea of disappointment, I said, “Okay.”
“I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye,” I whispered to the disconnected line. Ty had already hung up.
“Em?” I called as I put on my slippers and walked out of the guest bedroom. Peeking into her bedroom, Emily looked as if she were sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, I slowly backed away from her door.
“Come in,” Emily creaked from under a mountain of pillows.
“You need your rest…” I stood at the door waiting for her direction. I wanted to stay and talk, but if she needed her rest, I would wait until later.
“Come here.” She moved a few pillows over so that I could get in bed beside her. I climbed in her huge bed beside her and propped myself up on her discarded pillows. She rolled over to face me. “What’s wrong?”
“I keep making the same mistakes over and over again,” I admitted dejectedly.
Propping her head up with her hand, Emily’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I just keep hurting people. Even when I try to do the right thing, I make a bigger mess of it.” I cover my face with my hands and press my palms into my eyes. “I’m miserable and I make everyone around me miserable.”
“You’ve been beating yourself up for ten years and you’ve only been in therapy for four months. You’re making progress, but it’s not going to happen overnight.”
I couldn’t help the tears that welled up in my eyes as I said, “I know I’m not going to change completely in a few short months, but sometimes I feel different you know? Sometimes I feel like I’m making progress. Sometimes I imagine myself differently. Sometimes I don’t think I’m a complete fuck up. Sometimes I have hope.” I wiped my face silently and looked at her. “But then reality sets in...”
Emily sat all the way up and crossed her legs underneath her. Grabbing my hand, she said, “You can’t change the past, but you can change the future. So give yourself a clean slate. Stop making the same mistakes over and over again. Figure out what you want and be true to yourself. Be true to others and move forward. Keep moving forward.”
I squeezed her hand back and nodded. She’s right. I need a clean slate. And I can’t do anything until I’m honest with myself and those around me. About everything, I thought as I hurled myself forward to embrace my best friend in a bear hug. “Thank you Em.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Releasing me, she looked in my eyes. “No matter what, I’m here for you.”
“You’re the best Em,” I said as I climbed off of her bed. “Get some rest.”
Returning to the guest bedroom, I pulled my journal out of my bag and started to write. Continuing where I left off, I added to my tirade I began on the plane. Spilling everything I had onto the pages, I continued my confession. I wrote and cried until my hand cramped. Exhausting myself, I slipped into a fitful sleep.
“Sahara wake up!” Emily shook my shoulders roughly and I jerked awake with a start. My heart was pounding and my skin was slick with sweat. Gasping for air, I sat up immediately and went through my breathing exercises. Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I thought as I focused on catching my breath. I wiped the tears from my eyes and waited until my heart beat slowed to a normal, steady pace.
When I could breathe normally, I looked at Emily’s worried face. Not again, I thought as I looked away, embarrassed. Gathering sheets of crumbled paper and tucking them into my journal, I made space on the bed. Emily sat down carefully and watched me uneasily. “What happened?” she asked, the concern layering her voice.
“Bad dream,” I said thickly, my tongue felt heavy.
“Talk to me. What happened? What was the dream about?” Emily’s voice spiked.
“It’s okay. It’s really early. Go back to sleep. I hope I didn’t wake you,” I replied, brushing off her questions.
She looked at me silently and a look crossed her eyes. Even in the dim light of the early morning sun, I knew what I saw in her eyes was hurt. Although my head told me to spare Emily the details of my dream so to not cause her additional worry on the day of her wedding rehearsal, I knew in my heart that in the long run, not confiding in her would do more damage than good to our relationship. Honesty. Here’s to clean slates, I thought as she turned her head in preparation to walk out of the room.
“It started out like it always does. I’m driving in some dark colored, nondescript car. I’m on a back, country road. The same isolated road it always is. And it’s dark. Really dark. Not a star in the sky and not another car on the road. Everything was the same. It was the exact same dream except…” I wiped my eyes and then my entire face. Taking a deep breath, I choked out the last part of the sentence. “Except I was alone. They weren’t there. There was no one there.” I broke down and cried into my hands.
Sitting beside me and rubbing my back, Emily tried to console me. Folding into myself, I let my head drop into her lap. She stroked my hair, saying nothing. When I finally calmed down, she asked, “What do you think it means?”
“It means that I’m going to end up alone,” I sniffled, pushing myself off of her lap and wiping my face dry with the bottom of my T-shirt. I looked at her and shook my head slightly. “And it makes sense. Every man that’s ever meant anything to me, I’ve done nothing but hurt them. I’ve lied to them. I’ve hidden things from them. I’ve abandoned them. When they’ve needed me, I made sure they wouldn’t be able to find me. I knew it would hurt them, but I thought it would hurt less for me to leave than for the universe to do whatever it was going to do to them. I mean seriously, look at everything that happened to them because of me? Being with me only brought them heartache and pain.”
“Okay…” Emily said slowly. “How much of that could’ve been avoided?”
&n
bsp; Swiping at my eyes again, I furrowed my brows in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Giving me a patient nod, Emily clarified, “How much of that heartache and pain you caused could’ve been avoided?”
“I don’t…” I started to respond and then trailed off. I don’t know, I realized. I really don’t know.
“No, I want you to really think about it.”
After a moment of silence, I said, “I don’t know. I think some of the more specific things could’ve been avoided; but overall, I think I still would’ve hurt them.”
“Anyone could say that! Everyone has a past. Everyone has had their heart broken. Everyone has broken a heart. That’s life. You are so busy overcompensating for things you don’t even know will happen, you’re sabotaging yourself!” Emily threw her hands up in frustration.
The truth of her statement stunned me into silence. Self-sabotage, I thought as I let the word roll around on my tongue. I took a deep breath. And then another. What is wrong with me that I keep doing this to myself?
“I’m sorry I woke you up Em,” I apologized. “And I promise I’ll get myself together and I’ll be fine for the dinner tonight. Is there anything you need me to do?”
“All I need you to do is let go and give yourself permission to live your life.” She stood up, still looking at me. “And to let me borrow that clutch you had last night.”
I smiled at the unexpected request. I love that girl, I thought as I sunk back down under the sheets. She always knows just what to say. “Of course. Are you wearing it tonight?”
“Hmmm… I should probably finalize what I’m wearing tonight huh?” Emily walked to the door, backwards. Still holding eye contact, she tilted her head to the side. “Will you be okay tonight…and tomorrow?”
“I’m celebrating my best friend’s wedding day. I’m going to be fine!” It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that it becomes a problem, I acknowledged silently.
“I’m going to try to catch a few more hours of sleep. Wake me up if I’m not up by 9am!”
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