My eyes were permanently fixed in a deer-in-headlights expression.
“Cops forced me to leave. I didn’t know what else to do so I called Mom and Dad. I told them what happened and they changed their flight so they could come home as soon as possible. By the time I’d gotten back to the dorm room, Aja wouldn’t let me in.” He took a deep breath. “They called her right after I’d hung up with them. She hated me for telling them. She um… She said she’d never forgive me.”
I barely breathed. I sat on the uncomfortable precipice of his next word as I looked at him, his eyes closed and his long, dark lashes fanning out against his skin. “People say things in anger that they don’t mean all the time.”
“Yeah, I know that now. But it took a long time to come to terms with that. Because… well, my parents arrived the next day and convinced her to go to the police because he would only incriminate himself if he released more photos. So the four of us went together so Aja could file the report, and as soon as it was done, we all felt the change—from hopelessness to hope.”
With his eyes still closed, he didn’t see me examining him. There was a ghost of a smile in his expression as he remembered his sister.
“She wasn’t good after filing with the police, but she was better. She didn’t smile, but she’d stopped crying. She wasn’t herself, but she wasn’t the zombie she’d become. And then…” He was quiet for so long that if he didn’t have a ferociously tight hold on me, I would’ve assumed he was sleeping. “And then twenty-four hours later, Aja’s body was found in her car. She’d taken sleeping pills and washed them down with Dad’s favorite whiskey. She was outside of his house.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I placed my head against his chest and held him tight.
“Thanks,” he sighed. “I’ve come to terms with things. I know that she could’ve and would’ve come out of that situation better than most people because of who she was. She was a fighter. But she didn’t even want to go to a therapist because she was scared that any move on her part might trigger the photos being sent out. I know she didn’t hate me. I know she loved me and knew how much I loved her. But no amount of therapy or anything is going to make me feel better about the fact that I wasn’t there to protect her. It was my job to protect her and I wasn’t around. I regret that and I will regret it for the rest of my life.”
I didn’t know what to say because ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t enough.
Placing my hand over his heart, I felt the strong thumping of each beat. Looking at him intently, I held his gaze. “It was that asshole’s job to not rape her, to not take advantage of her, to not drug her, to not disrespect and violate her. You were in a different state and time zone. Even if she called you before going with the study group, there was no way to know that was going to happen and there was nothing you could’ve done.” I paused as he clutched me tighter. “But by coming back, you gave her your time. You dropped your life in Philadelphia to be there for her when she needed you.”
He closed his eyes briefly and nodded. “I know. Thank you.”
I could tell he was still haunted by the entire experience. I would’ve been as well.
And then it hit me.
I climbed into his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. I buried my face into his neck as I held back the tears that burned my eyes and my throat.
“That’s why you were worried about me,” I realized quietly, my lips quivering against his soft skin.
He squeezed me tighter and without words, I knew. And I’d never felt safer.
Chapter 6
Friday, January 13th – 7:07am
“And that’s how I got this scar,” CJ concluded, his voice raspy as we fought sleep in an effort to extend our time together.
“You are such a bad ass,” I commented sleepily from the other end of the couch. My eyes were heavy, but even between each slowing blink, I saw him smile.
“Shut your mouth!” He playfully grabbed my ankles and pulled, disrupting the comfortable angle I was in.
“What?” I laughed and readjusted my position. “Your cousin’s baby scratched the hell out of you and you survived.” I nodded with mock seriousness. “That makes you a bad ass.”
He laughed and laid his head back. “Okay your turn…” He paused, seeming to think long and hard about his question. “Do you have any regrets?”
“In life?”
He nodded.
“No,” I answered honestly. “Are there moments that I wish didn’t happen? Yes. But I have no regrets.”
“What three things would you change if you could?”
“Cutting my own bangs when I was fourteen.”
CJ laughed. “Was it bad?”
“Bad was what it was before I tried to fix what I messed up,” I informed him as his chuckle got louder. “Thank God for headbands and scarves or my freshman year of high school would’ve been rougher than it needed to be.”
“Okay, okay, what next?”
I kept my tired eyes closed. “The accident. I wish it wouldn’t have happened and I often think about how my life would’ve been different if it never happened. When I was in the hospital and going through rehab, I used to spend a lot of time wishing I wouldn’t have gotten so drunk. Maybe if I wasn’t so drunk, we wouldn’t have left when we did. Maybe if I wasn’t so drunk, I would’ve been able to see what was going on. I spent a lot of time thinking about that, playing the ‘what if’ game.” I opened my eyes, staring at his face. “But I know that there’s nothing I can do that can change, or that could’ve changed, what happened. Sometimes bad things happen and we end up being witnesses and victims…”
My voice trailed off and we just stared at one another. My heart surged and flooded with emotions. My skin prickled. I felt the intimacy born of our four-hour talk bond us in that moment. It was an overwhelming feeling.
Clearing my throat, I dropped my eyes and broke our connection. “And lastly, I would’ve trusted my gut when it came to Anthony.”
“Anthony your ex?”
“Yeah. If I would’ve trusted my gut, I wouldn’t be facing a divorce now.”
“What?” The surprise in CJ’s tone jolted my attention and my eyes flicked up to meet his.
I know I told him that my relationship with Anthony is over, I wondered as I was startled awake. I did a quick recap of our four-hour conversation and knew I mentioned it at least once. Yes, I did. I mentioned it an hour ago!
“I mentioned Anthony,” I insisted, folding my legs under me.
“I would’ve remembered you telling me that you were someone’s wife.” His voice sounded steady and even, giving no indication to any one emotion. But his eyes were stormy with what looked like shock and disappointment as he shook his head. “Wow, I can’t believe you’re married.”
“We’re separated right now, but we’re getting a divorce,” I explained. I was going to elaborate, but I remembered the story in which I told him about my current relationship status. “But I did tell you. Remember when we were talking about exes? You told me about Vanessa and how that ended amicably a year ago. And I told you about Anthony.” I hesitated. “Are you mad?”
CJ looked uncomfortable as he shifted in his seat and averted his eyes. “No. I’m not mad. I’m just… You told me that Anthony was the past and you’re ready to put him and everything associated with him behind you.”
“I said that the hardest thing about ending a relationship with someone is not just having to divorce them, but also having to divorce the future you’d planned together.”
CJ’s lips quirked upward in the corners. “It’s late and I worked all day so I’m not as sharp as I would be during normal hours. I didn’t get your subtle hint about divorce. I just figured you meant divorce your future plans as in detach your future plans. I didn’t know you meant an actual divorce.”
I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. “I’m sorry. I guess it’s only clear if you knew I was married to begin with. I’m sorry.” I peeked at him through my
fingers to find eyeing me, taking me in.
“Hey, look at me.” Once I dropped my hands, he continued. “It was miscommunication. But that brings me to my next point… You didn’t say you were married. There were so many times when I just wanted to—” He stopped abruptly, letting his sentence hang in the air as he realized what he was going to say.
My heart skipped a beat. You wanted to what? What did you want to do to me?
I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question, but it was on the forefront of my mind.
CJ licked his lips nervously. “Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”
I looked at him. The sinking feeling in my stomach intensified as the seconds passed. I weighed the options of being honest versus being completely transparent. As he looked into my eyes, creating fluttering waves of emotion to rise and fall within me, I swallowed hard.
“I didn’t mention it at the bar because I wanted a night out where I could just be me. I didn’t want to think about my broken marriage to a broken man who betrayed me. I just wanted to enjoy myself and meet new people. I didn’t expect…” I dropped my gaze momentarily. “After hanging around you all night at the bar, I knew there was something about you that I liked. You made me feel safe. And I didn’t mention it because I wanted to hold on to that and because I…” I lifted a hand up and then let it fall into my lap. “Because dammit, I like you. And for one night, I wanted to forget everything except for this.” I gestured between us and then let out a huge breath. “I figured a night with you would be everything I needed to salvage a rough start to a new year.”
I bit my lip as I tried to read his expression.
Although he seemed to still be in a state of shock, his face gave nothing away. His dark eyes seemed to swirl with a lot of uncertainty and I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
“All night at December, I just kept thinking…” I shrugged a little. “Beyond the physical, I liked your personality and the way you made me feel, so I wanted to…” I felt my face heat as embarrassment warmed my cheeks.
I wanted to fuck you. Plain and simple.
I was unable to formulate the words since I’d already thrown myself at him and then followed it up with a verbal confirmation of my intentions and he still wasn’t trying to make a move. In the early light of day, I wasn’t trying to play myself for a final time.
I cleared my throat softly. “I wanted to spend the night with you and I was seeking…something different. And we just spent almost five hours getting to know each other and with everything I know about you—the things you told me and the things I can tell by your actions—I really like you.”
CJ scrubbed his face with his hands and then adjusted himself. With a furrowed brow and a confused smile on his face, he asked, “When you say ‘spend a night,’ do you mean…?”
“I wanted to spend the night with you,” I repeated coyly. When he didn’t change his expression, I tilted my head to the side and decided not to mince words. “I wanted to have sex with you. I wanted you to make me forget that I’d been hurt or betrayed or anything else. I just wanted to feel good.”
CJ’s eyebrows flew up and his smile grew. “Oh!”
The silence that followed was so awkward that I let out a nervous giggle. It wasn’t long before CJ’s deep chuckle joined mine.
Waving my hands in the air, I shook my head profusely. “I know how it sounds, but it’s not like that. I don’t go around propositioning every good looking guy I meet.”
“Right…” He extended the word comically and even though I knew he was kidding, I let my head fall into my hands.
I’d never wished for memory loss before that moment, but more than that, I wanted CJ to also have memory loss so we could both forget. I didn’t get embarrassed often, but I was mortified after admitting my truth.
I told this man I wanted him to fuck my pain away and now we’re just sitting in silence, letting my embarrassment cling to us like sweat.
When I lifted my head, I saw his handsome face smiling at me. He remained silent, but he had a distinctly wolfish grin. The longer he stared at me the more I desperately wanted to fill the silence. I opened my mouth to speak, but he started before I had a chance.
“You wanted me to fuck you,” he started, staring directly into my eyes.
My heart thudded just hearing the word cross his sexy mouth. I stretched my legs out on the couch again and discreetly squeezed my thighs together. “Yes,” I answered with a hitch in my voice. “But I’m glad we didn’t.”
He smirked. “So you wanted me to fuck you, but you’re glad that I didn’t let it go there.”
I rolled my eyes and tried not to grin, but it was useless. My smile was wide. “Whatever.”
“No, no, no. I want some credit for this. It wasn’t hard to not have sex with you since you were drunk, but—”
“I wasn’t drunk!”
It was his turn to dramatically roll his eyes. “But it was hard to not want to want you. I mean, a beautiful woman saying all of the right things and giving a sexy lap dance and pushing all of the right buttons… You were laying it on pretty thick.”
I laughed. “What? Me? Laying it on thick? I’m not going to dignify that with a response. But let’s rewind this for a minute… you think I’m beautiful?” I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and batted my eyelashes.
CJ grabbed my ankles and squeezed it affectionately. “Yes, you.” He smirked. “And yes, you are beautiful. But you know that or you wouldn’t be smiling like that.”
“You make me smile. That’s not my fault!” I wiggled my toes. Our eyes met and I felt that fluttery feeling again. “And that’s why I’m glad that we didn’t. The sex would’ve been good, I’m sure. But just spending time with you, getting to know you better, has been amazing.” I gave him a shy smile. “I would want you for an extended period of time rather than just having you for the night.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I balked.
Backpedaling hard, I clarified. “Oh God, I know that sounds like I’m trying to make you my second husband or something, but that’s not it at all. I just meant that we get along so well and whatever this is between us is more important to me than a night of passion.” I shook my head. “I don’t even say things like ‘night of passion.’ I’m so embarrassed right now. Say something, anything. I wasn’t proposing to you or anything, you get that right?”
The expression on his face said everything. I was on one side of the couch mortified while he sat on the other side overwhelmed. The room became quiet again as we stared at one another.
“Where does your husband think you are?”
My stomach plummeted.
I didn’t see the question coming and even though it felt like he asked it out of nowhere, I knew it must’ve been on his mind the entire time.
I folded my hands into my lap. “He doesn’t know where I am.”
CJ’s face contorted. “What?”
“When I saw him in his office, I told him we were over. I drove home and decided that I didn’t want to talk to him. There was nothing to say. So when I got home, I packed a bag, and left him a note that said I was filing for divorce when I returned. There had been some deception on his end, so the last year had been rocky. I couldn’t really trust him anymore. But when I caught him cheating—like in the act—I knew I needed to leave the relationship for my sanity. So I did.”
“Damn.” He shook his head. “When did this happen?”
“The first time he cheated?”
His eyes widened. “No, I meant, when did you leave the relationship?”
I pursed my lips because I knew how it was going to sound. “A week ago.”
CJ released his grip on my ankle. “A week ago?” Even though he was already at the end of the couch, the way he squirmed appeared as though he was trying to get as far away from me as possible. “You are barely separated. You’re basically on vacation. I know couples who have had fights that have lasted longer than that. People break
up and get back together all the time.”
“This isn’t one of those times.” He looked skeptical so I continued. “Listen, it’s over. Even if I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. He drugged me for months without my knowledge or consent. And I tried to move forward in our relationship, but little by little, I was confronted with the reality that he wasn’t remorseful about what he did. So when I caught him cheating on me, that was it. He apologized, claimed it was a one-time thing, and it would never happen again, but I quickly found out that it wasn’t just one time and it’d been happening repeatedly. He’d been cheating with a string of bottom-feeding bitches who boosted his ego by being just desperate enough to accept his narcissistic bullshit and having just the right amount of low self-esteem to continue to be flattered by the arrangement.” I rolled my eyes. “So believe me, the marriage is over.”
CJ looked completely shocked. “Wow… I’m sorry. I…wow. I don’t even know what to say to that except that he’s a fucking fool.”
“I know, right?”
We were both quiet for a minute before he spoke again. “I should get going. Addy’s opening December tonight, but I still need to be there.”
My stomach knotted nervously. Did I just scare him off? The thought made me want to cry for some reason, but I brushed it off. If he’s no longer interested because I was honest with him, he’s not who I thought he was anyway.
Pushing my tired body into a sitting position, I rotated my legs until my feet touched the floor. Staring at the wall directly across from me, I asked, “Are you okay to drive?”
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