“So, it was just the time I saw you? That’s it,” I clarified.
“Yes. I told you, Em. That’s it. Please,” he begged. Reaching out, he covered my hand that was clenched in a tight fist on the table. “It was one mistake that I will never do again. You can’t just abandon the marriage over this one thing. Please, I’m sorry. I fucked up.”
My heart pounded in my chest and adrenaline coursed through my veins. I was wired with the energy of four espressos as I listened to his lies. I was staring into the gentle eyes and handsome face of the man that I’d married without reservation and watching the lies fall from his mouth in his enchanting accent. My eyes welled with tears that I refused to shed as he drove his lie home by subtly turning his infidelity onto me. He continued to intricately weave his lies as he shifted blame and pled his case.
Oh he’s good.
I had to hand it to him. Lying was a skill that he had in droves. If I hadn’t had a witness who I wholeheartedly believed, I would’ve believed him. He continued to drone on and my eyes fell to our hands—mine still clenched into a fist and his covering, stroking my skin with his thumb. With each word that sounded sincere, I felt the knife digging deeper into my back. My heart was already broken, but the additional trauma was to realize that I couldn’t tell his lies from his truth. He was that good and it was probably going on for way longer than I ever even knew. He lied with an effortlessness that would’ve been impressive if he were an actor since he wholeheartedly committed to the role of repentant husband. And all the while, he fed me lie after lie while begging me to stay.
I was numb.
“Mi amor. Mi sol. Mi vida. Please say something,” Anthony encouraged, squeezing my hand. “Te amo.”
The room was so quiet that the soft buzz of the refrigerator running was the only noise that could be heard. I was jarred out of my disoriented daze at the sound of my name.
“Emily, please. I just want us to put this behind us and go to the event tonight with a fresh start. It won’t happen again. It was a mistake—a temporary slip because we were having problems with your pain and your inability to conceive. You stopped looking at me the same as you used to after that whole vitamin mix up and so I made a mistake. Are you really willing to throw everything away over a mistake? I said I was sorry and I mean it. I won’t do it again.”
My eyes flicked up to his to meet his penetrating gaze. There wasn’t an ounce of remorse in his expression. He wasn’t sorry. He was still lying. And instead of giving me the truth and having us work from there, he doubled down on his web of dishonesty and really hadn’t even answered my questions.
It was too late anyway. I was done.
My head pounded almost as loudly as my heart. I shook my head slowly. “No,” I mouthed to him, feeling suddenly tired. “It’s over.”
“I bought you a few dresses to see which one you’d want to wear tonight. I knew you’d be home for this. I knew I could count on you to show up. No matter what we go through, you always have my back.”
“But do you have mine?” I asked in a voice so small and cracked that I barely recognized it as my own. “I meant what I said, Anthony. It’s over.”
“No.” He shook his head forcefully. “No, it’s not.”
“It wasn’t a question. I wasn’t asking for permission.” I cleared my throat and dislodged the lump that resided there. “You betrayed my trust before and even though everything in me told me that you were showing me your true colors, I didn’t want to give up on our marriage. I stayed when I didn’t have to. I stayed because of the vows we’d said. For better or for worse, until death do us part.”
“Exactly! For better or for worse, Em. For better or for worse. This isn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened. Yeah, maybe it’s the worst thing to happen to us so far, but it’s really not that serious.” His eyes clouded over. “I’m good to you and we can get through this. You can’t just leave the marriage because of this one little thing. You don’t just abandon ship because of this one thing. It’s a bump in the road,” he rationalized with so much earnest.
I squeezed my eyes tightly, seeing only darkness. I wanted to forget the look on Anthony’s face. I wanted to forget the arrogant way he dismissed everything I was saying. I wanted to forget that I loved him. Because I did—I loved him and in turn, he just continued to manipulate me and the situation.
He was a con artist and recognizing him for what he truly was hurt just as bad as the actual infidelity. I loved him and I’d been honest with him from the beginning and to see how he’s able to lie easily and convincingly, not accept responsibility or accountability, and not care that he hurt me made me feel like he never loved me at all. He was a con artist and a fraud.
Blinking rapidly, I was able to hold back my tears, preventing any from falling. “I entered into this marriage knowing that there were going to be ups and downs, because that’s life, that’s marriage. But I loved you and believed in us so I had no doubt that we were going to spend our lives together—”
“And we still can. Give me another chance,” he interjected.
“But it’s clear you didn’t go into our marriage with the same thoughts,” I continued, not paying attention to his interruption. “I didn’t ask you to propose. I didn’t ask you to get married as soon as humanly possible. You expedited our relationship. We’d been dating for months and you wanted to make this permanent. And for what? So you could look the part of the successful doctor? So you could have the beautiful, creative wife, a full social calendar, perfect little mini-mansion, and all you were missing were the kids, right? Even though I told you that it was unlikely that I could have kids when we met, you got it in your head that we had to have biological children and we had to have them immediately. So you lied to me, betrayed my trust, and drugged me to get me pregnant. And when I found out and the trust was broken, instead of doing what you needed to do to work on yourself and get help, you start cheating on me because I don’t look at you the same.” I let out a sharp, dry scoff. “So you betray my trust and then blame me because I don’t trust you. And then cheat on me and blame me because I don’t trust you from the previous betrayal. Are you aware of how trust works? Are you hearing how this sounds? Why would I give you another chance to fuck me over again?” My voice got louder with each question. “What is wrong with you?”
His face hardened and darkened and I felt the cold shift before he even opened his mouth. “There is nothing wrong with me. We had a rough year. Things happened. I apologized. Let it go. That’s the end of it.”
The lack of remorse was a slap in the face. It was as if he just expected me to accept his bullshit and move on. There was no consideration for the hurt and betrayal I felt because of his actions. There was no consideration for the things that he’d put me through. There was no consideration for anyone or anything outside of himself. He had an excuse for everything and more than enough blame to put on me. But not once did he take responsibility for what he did.
Zero accountability.
“I won’t let it go! Just because you don’t want to talk about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It happened. I’m the victim. I was hurt by what you did. Period. Everything out of your mouth has been so fucking self-centered and complete bullshit. How did you think this was going to end? Did you think that I was going to just be okay with what you did?”
“I thought you would at least give it more thought than a week,” he roared as he stood up, towering over me. He scowled at me for a long time and I didn’t let my eyes waver as I shot daggers right back into him. “Listen, just get dressed and we’ll deal with this later. We had a rough year and I made a mistake and that’s the end of it. I’m not going to keep apologizing for the same thing over and over again. I said I was sorry. Now drop it.”
Admittedly, it had been a rough year for us, but that was only due to him drugging me without my consent and trying to force me into pregnancy.
I stood, never taking my eyes off of him. “No.”
The
look he gave me was dark. Anthony had never put his hands on me, but for a split second, I thought about grabbing the heavy glass vase for protection.
“What?” He barked.
His tone, his body language and his overall demeanor had changed. I wasn’t dealing with the man I’d married anymore. I was dealing with the man he was behind my back. He took a step toward me in a threatening manner. Again, for a second time, I considered grabbing the vase, but I decided against it.
“I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m not going to be married to you for much longer. So no, I’m not going to ‘let it go.’ You’re lucky I even came home to have this conversation.”
“I already picked out dresses. Go put one on and drop this shit, Emily. Grow the fuck up! This is marriage. I’m a successful man and I got caught up in temptation. It happened! It happened once! Deal with it! This is marriage, okay? This is what you signed up for. It is what it is.” He shook his head and backed away from me.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I wasn’t scared of him, but there was scary energy around us. I didn’t know the version of him that I was being confronted with and he didn’t know that I was prepared to defend myself by any means necessary.
“No. That’s not what marriage is and if you would’ve ever stated that your idea of marriage was to fuck whoever you wanted while being jealous of any man that I’m remotely friendly to, I would’ve told you to fuck off!” I tucked the hair that slipped out of my ponytail behind my ear and then put my hands on my hips. “Who are you? I feel like I don’t even know you right now.”
“What did you expect Emily? I’m a young, successful doctor. I’m in my prime right now. I’m not going to turn down attention from other women. Why should I? There’s nothing wrong with it. I slipped up once—”
“It’s over!” I yelled, causing him to shrink back from the unexpected decibel. “It’s over. I’m done. I don’t want to be married to your arrogant, lying, cheating ass anymore! And I know you were fucking more than just the nurse I saw you with. I’ve been asking around at the hospital and there are some interesting names that have popped up.” I was bluffing, but my instincts told me I was right. I just needed him to admit it.
“I don’t care what you heard. Some jealous bastard probably lied and told you I fucked someone so that they could fuck you. And so they could fuck me over. I’m not surprised…” He let out a short chuckle. “I was one of the few selected to work at the Medical Center. I’m good at what I do so either one of the jealous doctors or any of the desperate women who I wouldn’t fuck told you some shit. Now you’re running with it because you’re on your period or whatever the hell is wrong with you. You’d believe anything anyone said about me, wouldn’t you? It’s because you’re jealous of those women? Or is it because you’re the one being a slut and fucking someone else?”
I looked at him in disbelief. I would’ve sworn someone was lying if they told me Anthony was speaking like this to me and about me. If I didn’t witness it live, I would’ve found it so hard to believe that he would’ve behaved as he did.
“Per the information that I received at the hospital, you’re the only slut in this room,” I hissed, curling my upper lip in disgust. “I mean really, some of the whores you slept with.” I made a gagging noise. “Something is clearly wrong with you.”
His face contorted angrily. He slammed his fist on the counter. “Do not go to my job asking about me! Do not mess with my job, Emily or I swear to God—”
“You swear to God what?” I took a small step toward him.
He narrowed his eyes at me and ran his hands through his short black hair. “You fuck with my job and I’ll own Studio E. It’ll be Studio A real quick. Or better yet, a parking lot. I’ll bulldoze that shit and not think twice about it. You’re not getting any better than this. You would be stupid to walk out on me!” He scoffed. “You think you can just walk out on me? On me?!”
“You walked out on this marriage the moment you decided to drug me!” My eyes were wild as I struggled to keep it cool. “But I stayed. Even though I should’ve known the type of sneaky bastard you were then, I still stayed and tried to fight for this marriage. I tried! And you go and cheat! You walked out on this marriage. You walked out on us. You did! You! Not me, you!”
“Fine. Fuck it. Did you honestly think that I was going to be faithful our entire marriage? Come on. You didn’t think that? You’re smarter than that.”
I recoiled and my face twisted. “What the fu—yes, yes I did. I completely thought that when you asked me to marry you that you were planning on being completely faithful.”
He shrugged, a clear look of not giving a single fuck was blatantly written on his face.
I balked. “You’ve never talked to me like this. You’ve never talked like this period. Where is this coming from? Who are you?”
“This is the real me. For the last three years, I’ve been losing myself in the marriage and this week that you’ve been gone, I decided that I’m tired of putting in all this work. So, I found myself again.”
I could feel the crease in my forehead becoming permanent as I continued to struggle to make sense of what I was hearing and seeing.
“What? What are you talking about? You lost yourself in the marriage?”
“Yeah, but not anymore. This is who I was before we met and I got lost for a while, but not anymore. This is who I’ll always be.”
“So you used to play and use women and you stopped because you ‘lost yourself’ also known as got married and grew the fuck up and now you will revert back to your entitled, childish, lack of accountability mentality?” I spat back at him. “Great. Looks like I found out who you really were just in time to save myself. I want a divorce.”
“Yeah, okay,” he snickered sarcastically as he grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. “Are you going to go to the event tonight or not? If not, I’m sure I could find someone to keep me company.”
What he said hurt, not because it was a threat to cheat on me again, but because he would even levy that at me in the first place. I truly had no idea the type of man I was dealing with. I wiped the corner of my eyes.
“I’m serious. I’m not going out with you tonight. And I’m leaving you. I’m done. This is over.”
He shook his head as he took a long pull from the beer bottle. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re not going to leave a doctor that looks like me, that pays for you to live like this, and who takes care of you when you can’t walk, to be single in your thirties. I mean, I’ll give it to you—you’re beautiful and you’re fun. But no one is going to want anything more than to fuck you. You have too much baggage.” He slammed the empty bottle into the trashcan and the glass broke on impact. He seemed to laugh at the shocked look on my face. “You can’t have kids. You have chronic pain. You spend more time with your business than cooking and cleaning. If you divorce me, you won’t get married again. You’ll be used goods. And we both know you don’t want that.”
A tear escaped the corner of my eye and I wiped it away. “What’s sad is that I actually loved you—hell, I still love you—and I had hoped you would be honest with me and carry this conversation like an adult. But instead you try to break me down with petty comments.” I frowned as I walked in his direction. I looked deep into his brown eyes and he struggled to maintain eye contact. “I’ve never taken your shit and I’m not about to start now. So please, hear me when I say this… when I divorce you, I will be fine. You’re the one who will have to live with the shit you’ve done. You’re not the man I thought you were so I’m not really losing anything.”
He didn’t say anything as I took another step closer, stopping right in front of him. He was breathing noisily as his chest moved up and down at a rapid pace. He narrowed his eyes at me and deep, deep in the back of them, I could see the man I married. He rolled his eyes like I didn’t matter and when he could look at me again, his face was hardened.
A smug look appeared on his face as I wiped a se
cond tear. “I’m about to get ready for my night out. Don’t wait up.” He smirked, seemingly amused that he got to me. “But wipe your face and have a better attitude when I get back.”
As outraged as I was, I still wanted to cry. I’d been holding it in and seeing the animosity in Anthony’s eyes was breaking me down.
You can’t go from loving someone so much that you’d do anything for them to saying horribly hurtful things to and about them. It doesn’t happen like that. It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t change that fast. It can either be one of two things: he never loved me at all or the guilt and frustration from not being able to hide who he is anymore has him lashing out at me.
Due to the fact that he couldn’t hold eye contact with me for more than a few seconds at a time and the way he shifted his weight nervously, I believed it was guilt making him into the monster he turned out to be.
Unflinchingly, I stared into the deepest part of his eyes as I wiped my own. I took one more step toward him. “You lost me,” I whispered, standing so close to him that we were almost touching. “And you’re going to feel that loss for the rest of your life.”
His breathing seemed to halt for a second before it continued and he backed away. “Whatever,” he muttered under his breath before he turned on his heel and ran upstairs.
While he got ready for the hospital gala, I washed my clothes from my week away. In the laundry room, I took out my phone and created a couple of lists of the things I needed to pack and sent out a few text messages, the longest one to Mr. McMannus. Even though it was just six thirty, by the time I was stuffing the last load in the dryer, I heard the front door slam with extra emphasis.
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