“Addy,” I started before dissolving into tears.
“What’s wrong? Emily? Emily? Are you still at the hotel? What’s wrong?” The panic in Addison’s voice made me cry harder. “Emily?!”
“I’m-I’m not going to b-be able to make it,” I stuttered, swallowing a sob that threatened to erupt from the depths of me.
“What happened? What’s wrong?”
“Th-the baby… She lost-she lost one of the babies.” I broke down, unable to keep it together. I was sitting on the floor in front of the bed, shaking uncontrollably.
“Your best friend?”
“Yes,” I cried.
“Oh no!”
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. What do you need? I can’t exactly leave, but I can—”
“No, no,” I sniffled. “I want you to enjoy your party. That’s why I just texted you to let you know. I need to call my family and I need to…” I took in a jagged breath. “I’m sorry. That was just the first time I said it aloud. Congratulations and please let your fiancé know I look forward to meeting him soon.”
“Em, I’m—”
Another wave of tears hit me. “I have to go. I’m so sorry, Addy. I love you. Thank you.”
I disconnected the call and cried.
I cried for the loss of Sahara’s baby, my little niece who was going to call me Auntie Em despite Sahara’s objections.
I cried for the husband and wife who had to go home without their little girl.
I cried for the family that wouldn’t have their youngest daughter.
I cried for Sahara specifically who had suffered a lifetime of loss and didn’t need yet another thing to pull her down after finally finding her happily ever after.
I cried until I didn’t have any more tears to cry.
I stretched out on the carpeted floor in my grey and white formfitting dress and focused on my breathing. My thoughts were in a fog and I was struggling to process being a four-hour drive away from my family and a two-hour flight from Sahara and the hospital she was in. It wasn’t just that it was a sad situation; it was that I was by myself when I received the news and I didn’t have anyone to process it with.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, but a banging on the door pulled me from my daze. I closed my eyes again and tried to fall back asleep. I felt heavy—my body, my head, my heart.
Another round of insistent knocks forced me to drag myself to the door. Opening it slowly, I was taken aback by how quickly my eyes filled with tears.
“Can I come in?” He asked, peering at me.
I nodded as I started crying.
Without hesitation, CJ wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me. I couldn’t breathe, but I hugged him harder and his grip got tighter.
Lifting me off of the ground, he took another step in and the door closed behind us. He carried me to the couch and he sat us down, keeping me close.
I sobbed, telling him everything that was on my mind.
From the littlest triplet being stillborn, from the rough delivery, to Sahara still not being awake, to the devastation in the voices I heard over the phone, to my fear that Sahara wouldn’t recover. I told him how her name was Emma and she would’ve been my second niece. I told him I was scared of how Sahara would react when she woke up and I was scared of how it would impact my family. I confessed that I felt guilty not being there. I admitted that a large part of me was scared that I would lose my best friend again.
I thought I was out of tears, but having his strong arms around me, comforting me, compelled me to cry and talk, talk and cry. He kissed the top of my head sweetly as he listened to my story between my cries. He didn’t say anything. He just held me.
I inhaled the sexy scent of his cologne and the way it mixed with his natural scent. Even his smell was comforting. I was overcome with a sense of safety and protection and realized that just being in CJ’s presence made the pain hurt a little less.
When I was fresh out of my second round of tears, I just held on to him. My body quivered and I took loud, gulping breaths. Whenever my body started shuddering, CJ just held me with a little more purpose, kissed my head a little more tenderly, whispered it would be okay with a little more kindness.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked hoarsely.
“Addy told me she was worried about you. She said that you were at the same hotel since one of your dancers’ dad’s manages the place so you get a discount and she gave me the room number,” he explained. “Now can I ask you a question?”
I nodded.
He stroked my hair that hung in waves around my shoulders. “What do you need?”
My broken heart fluttered. “You being here is more than enough.”
“If you want to talk, we can talk. If you want to sit here, we can sit here. If you want me to leave, I can—”
“No,” I answered quickly, looking up at him. Staring into the darkest, most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, my breathing and my voice faltered. “I don’t want you to leave.”
Wiping my cheeks with his thumb, he looked down at me with a small smirk. “I was going to say that if you want me to leave, I can go to pick up something to eat, but I’m coming back or you’re coming with me—one or the other.”
Warmth spread throughout me. I took him in, all of him, and noticed his outfit and how the green and blue in his shirt looked so good on him.
My stomach flipped.
“You look really good,” I blurted out.
He licked his lips before they curved upward. “And you are beautiful.” He paused, grabbing a tissue from the table beside the couch. “Even with the tears staining your cheeks”—he wiped my cheeks—“and your nose running”—he wiped my nose—“and especially with your lips…” He stared at my mouth for a beat too long before ripping his eyes back up to meet mine. He cleared his throat as the spark that first ignited between us six months earlier made itself known. “Are you hungry?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you. You’ve done so much just by being here. Don’t let me hold you up. I know you were out enjoying the party.” I pushed myself up, but CJ continued holding on to me.
“It’s fine. I already agreed to be one of the groomsmen so they know they have my support.” One of his hands skated across my bare arm and goosebumps erupted in its wake. “So my focus is on you. I’m here for whatever you need, Em.”
My eyes started watering, but for the first time that evening, it wasn’t from sadness. “You are such a good man, Cedi.”
Sweeping his fingers down the side of my face, he stirred the butterflies in the pit of my belly and made them swirl up into my chest cavity.
“What can I do for you, Em?” He murmured, letting his gaze linger on my features.
I swallowed hard as I suddenly remembered something that I was honestly trying to forget. “You’ve done everything I needed. I guess I just needed to talk it out with someone. Thank you for being here for me.” Pushing myself off of his chest and out of his nook, I sat up straight. “I need to figure out how I’m going to get up there as soon as possible.”
“Check flights. Do you want to go now?”
I did.
“You’re near one of the biggest airports on the East Coast. There should be a flight tonight,” he continued.
Pulling out his phone, I saw he had two missed calls and some text messages. Ignoring them, he opened his internet browser and found a six o’clock in the morning flight.
“Would you want to go in the morning?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I think that’s good.” I put my hand on his knee. “Thank you.”
His chest rose and fell. “Are you okay to go alone?”
I don’t have a choice.
I nodded silently.
He opened his mouth, but before he had a chance to ask me anything, his phone vibrated in his hand. My eyes dropped to the picture of the pretty woman who looked like she could be the stunt double for Halle Berry. The name Cameron flashed across her pretty face.
The phone call from a month prior hit me. My stomach plummeted and my face fell. I couldn’t even play it off because I felt it fall. I felt the moment I remembered someone answering his phone and identifying herself as his girlfriend. I remembered not being able to sleep all night at the idea of CJ with a girlfriend. I remembered not being able to eat breakfast the next morning. I remembered not being able to focus when I took the girls shopping. I remembered not being able to shake myself out of the funk until my girls won third place in the semi-finals. After a drunken night at the rooftop bar, I’d let it go. I’d decided it was for the best, since I couldn’t be with him and I wanted him to be happy. I quickly found that if I kept my focus on his happiness, I was able to push the devastation and jealousy out of my head.
But as I saw Cameron and the way CJ tensed at her call, I was reminded.
“I need to take this,” CJ told me. “Give me one minute.” He stood. “Hello?”
I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was the epitome of tall, dark and handsome and even more than that, he was a good man.
He’s also in my hotel room while his girlfriend probably thinks he’s with one of his friends or at the party or—
“Yeah, she’s okay now. I was just about to get her a ticket to be with her family,” CJ said from across the room. He turned and looked at me, sliding his hand into his pocket. “I’m still here. I’ll probably be here for a while. I want to make sure she’s good before I leave and I need to see if she needs a ride to the airport.”
I watched him watching me as he listened to his girlfriend. His eyes didn’t roam across my body and I didn’t know if I was happy or sad about that. On one hand, the fact that he had a girlfriend, and wasn’t checking me out or anything like my sleazy ex would do, made me happy. On the other hand, the fact that he had a girlfriend and the fact that he wasn’t checking me out or anything made me sad.
I hated myself a little for wanting him to want me. I didn’t even want him to want me in a ‘make me your mistress’ kind of way. I would’ve just liked to know that our brief time together still lingered on his mind like it did mine. But the more he stayed focused on my face and not my body, I realized that CJ was the man I thought he was and if anything, he stole another piece of my heart.
I’m going to need that back immediately, I thought as he spoke to his girlfriend. My not-yet-ex-husband had a baby on the way and I had no fucks to give, but CJ having a girlfriend kept me up for two days. A sad smile graced my lips thinking about the irony of the entire situation.
“I’ll give you a call when I’m on my way home.” His eye didn’t leave mine, but the smile he just gave was for her and her alone. “Okay, you too. Drive safe.”
He disconnected the call and then slipped his phone into his pocket. For about thirty seconds, we stood on opposite sides of the room staring at one another in silence.
“You were in the hospital when you returned from Africa,” I said, breaking our standoff. “How was everything with that?”
He lifted his shoulder like it wasn’t a big deal. “I had food poisoning from something I ate at the airport and they reacted like I was patient zero.”
I tried not to be amused, but the giggle bubbled up anyway. “Well I’m glad you’re OK.”
“Addy told you?”
I nodded. “I called to see how you were doing and um...” I shifted from one foot to the other. Maintaining eye contact was proving to be more difficult. “A woman answered and told me that you were OK.”
CJ’s eyebrows furrowed. “You called?”
I nodded. “I wanted to make sure you were OK. I didn’t like the feeling of you being laid up in a hospital somewhere while the CDC poked and prodded you.”
It was CJ’s turn to let out a short chuckle. “The Center for Disease Control and Prevention didn’t have to be called.”
He smiled and I smiled back.
“And you called me?”
“I did. I care about you. You know that.”
“Last I heard, you didn’t think I was good for you and we weren’t friends.”
Even though he said it jokingly, I could tell it bothered him.
“I really didn’t mean it like that. I just…”
CJ nodded, but I wasn’t sure if he was just nodding to nod or if he really knew what I meant. He propped himself up against the wall and somehow, he seemed even further away from me. His face gave nothing away.
I opened my mouth to explain further, but I snapped it shut.
He has a girlfriend. What good would it do to say that I have feelings for him, but I am not in a position do anything with said feelings so would you mind hanging around and being single until I’m ready to date again? On my worse day, I’m not that selfish.
“I called and a woman introduced herself as your girlfriend and said she’d give you the message.” I paused, giving him a rueful smile. “I’m guessing she didn’t.”
He shook his head and gave me a boyish grin. “No, I never got the message. But I like the fact that you called to check on me.”
I nodded, sucking on my bottom lip. “So how long have you two been together?”
“I guess a month. She was working on the project in Ghana with me. She’s a financial planner and donated her vacation time to extend her business trip and work on it.”
I nodded. “That’s cool. And what project was this?” I asked, pulling the hemline of my dress down as I sat on the arm of the chair closest to me. “Besides to see your family, I never knew why you were in Ghana for so long.”
“My parents do the Borderless Doctors program and on one of their last trips, they met some people interested in putting together a camp for kids. I helped with the business end of it and how it could generate income for the community.”
My heart swelled. “It’s kind of annoying how great you are.” I gestured toward him. “You mask it well under your steely exterior.”
He chuckled. “Steely? I haven’t heard that one before.”
“I have a whole slew of adjectives I could use for you.”
He smirked, pushing himself off of the wall. “Is that right?”
I nodded. “I was going to say hard, but then we’d make immature jokes and we’re in our thirties. We don’t need to use the word hard to arouse laughter.”
I held my giggle in, but the moment he cracked, so did I.
“You are so corny,” he snickered as he made his way to the couch. I turned on the arm of the chair so I was still facing him. “How long did it take you to come up with that?”
I clapped my hands together with glee. “That one was on the spot, right off the dome.”
He shook his head as he frowned. “Don’t do that anymore.”
When the amusement had left my system, I realized I had a smile on my face. “Thank you.”
A hint of a smile played on his delicious mouth as his chiseled face remained serious and his intense eyes observed me. “For what?”
I stood. “For this. For tonight. For listening to me. For taking my mind off of things for a little while. For being…you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for any of that.” He stood and walked over to me. Cupping my face and staring into my eyes, he continued, “You don’t ever have to thank me for being here for you.”
My heart skipped a beat. The energy between us was electric and brimming with sexual energy. I tried not to feel it, but I couldn’t deny it so I ripped my eyes away from his to break the connection.
“Your girlfriend is probably waiting for you,” I pointed out, looking just off of his shoulder, trying not to give into the feelings that I felt. “You should get going.”
CJ took a step back, creating more space between us. “She knows where I am. If you need me, I’m staying.”
“Is she okay with you being here with me?”
“She trusts me.”
I licked my lips. “You are a trustworthy guy.”
“I am.” He took another step away from me. It was small,
but I noticed it. “How are you?”
“I’m okay. I’m much better since you were able to come. I don’t know why you did it, but I’m so glad you did.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Em. If you ever need me, call me.”
Closing the gap between us, I wrapped my arms around him and I laid my head on his chest. Hearing the uptick of his heartrate made me smile. The way his heart beat matched mine made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my feelings.
Not that there was anything that could be done about it.
“I hope you know that I feel the same way,” I murmured. Once the words slipped out, I opened my eyes quickly and pulled myself away from him. “I mean, I’ll always be here for you, too. You’ve gotten me through two of the toughest things I’ve gone through this year. I owe you one.”
“You called and checked on me when you thought I was hurt. You don’t owe me anything.”
The silence and space that covered the few feet between us filled with my adoration for him. I smiled and pulled my gaze away.
“I should pack if I’m going to catch the six o’clock flight.”
“Yeah. I should see if the party is still going on.”
We walked toward the door and before he opened it, he turned and looked at me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I am now.” I put my hand on his chest, right over his heart. “Thank you, Cedi.”
He inhaled sharply. His pulse quickened before he lifted my hand from his chest and kissed it. “I’m glad I got a chance to see you.”
“Me too,” I admittedly softly, feeling the loss before it had even occurred.
I think about you all the time, I wanted to add, but refused.
He squeezed my hand once more before letting it go. “Goodnight, Em.”
“Goodnight, Cedi,” I whispered as he slipped from my doorway and down the hall. Before he turned the corner, I yelled, “Hey!”
CJ turned toward me and gave me a questioning look. I didn’t want him to get too close so I asked my question when he was about thirty feet away. “Are you happy?” I asked.
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