He immediately returned with a confession of his own. “It makes me happy to make you happy.”
His sentence hung between us, thickening the silence that followed. Creating another level of tension between us, his words rattled around in my head and in my heart. I couldn’t help but feel the overpowering energy between us. And I was both scared and exhilarated.
What am I doing? This isn’t real. These feelings right now are not real. I’m vulnerable. I’m coming out of a long-term, committed relationship where I was betrayed. I’m sad because of the losses I’ve encountered this year. CJ is a good man and he’s so together. He’s good-looking and has an enormous amount of sex appeal. Of course he piqued my interest! But knowing that my life is a shit show right now just means that my emotions are out of whack. This isn’t real. And besides, I’m pretty sure Addy mentioned he is still with that girlfriend of his. And he said he wanted me to be happy. He didn’t say he wanted me to be happy with him. He just said he wanted me to be happy. That’s what I want for my friends too. Why am I even having this conversation with myself?
I cleared my throat and my head. “Enough about me, I need a distraction if you don’t mind. Can you tell me about your day?”
CJ launched into the mundane business aspect of owning a club, but the way he told a story was captivating. I could honestly listen to him speak all day every day. He told me about grooming the manager to take on more of a role since Addison was going to be moving soon after the wedding. She would be traveling back to Atlanta for one week a month for a year and then they’d reevaluate.
“I’m glad you two have a plan for the business. What about you, though? What do you want?”
“This.”
I almost drove into the other lane.
He said ‘this.’ As in us? As in—
“December was started for Aja,” CJ continued, unaware that my brain was in overdrive, my heart was seizing and my stomach knotted with butterfly-winged nerves. “But over time, it also became something for me. I didn’t think I would love it, but I do. I love what I do and there’s something about owning your own business that makes it hard to go back to working for someone else.”
“I agree. One hundred percent agree.” I eyed the ‘Welcome to Thomasville’ sign as I passed it. “What about outside of business? What do you want for your future?”
“Like marriage and family?”
My heart thumped. “Sure.”
“Yeah. If I was with the right woman, I would want to marry her.”
Is he saying that Cameron is not the right woman or is he just speaking hypothetically? Am I reading too much into this?
He paused. “What about you? Would you get married again?”
His question took me by surprise and I had to give it some serious thought. “Um… Honestly, I don’t know. The way he’s dragging this divorce out and trying to make it as hurtful as possible, I really don’t know if I have it in me to do it again.”
“Did he do something to you?”
“You mean besides getting his newest conquest pregnant and moving her into the house we shared? Nope.”
“He’s a fucking idiot.”
I smiled at the vehemence in his tone. “Agreed. But I think that we’ll be divorced sooner than later. I realized how much he wants to keep the house so I’m having him buy me out.”
“That’s good. You’ll have the money to start over.”
I didn’t disclose that I already had the money to start over. That was the only secret I kept from him.
Well, that and my crush.
“Fresh starts are always a good thing.”
“You said you don’t know about marriage, but do you have it in you to love again?”
My breathing faltered.
He didn’t even say it in a way to lead me to believe he was referring to anything between us. His voice was level and steady, yet hearing the word love directed at me in his voice was all it took for me to feel faint.
“Yes,” I admitted honestly. “I have too much love in me to believe I won’t fall in love again. It’s just the idea of marriage that’s daunting right now.”
“I can understand that. Maybe later you’ll be more open to the idea of marriage, but after the bullshit you’ve been through, I can understand.”
“Yeah.” I tried to control my feelings so it didn’t come out in my tone. “Tell me something you’ve never told me.”
“I was engaged.”
“What?”
“When my girlfriend in grad school told me she was pregnant, I proposed. We didn’t love each other—well, not enough to be married anyway. But she was pregnant and I thought it was the right thing to do.”
“Oh wow,” I breathed. “So I’m assuming you two didn’t get married since you said you were engaged and not you were divorced.”
“No…” He let out a dry, humorless laugh. “She actually thought I was going to break up with her and lied about being pregnant.”
My head moved around incredulously. “What?”
“Yeah. I’m always really careful, but condoms aren’t one hundred percent foolproof and I didn’t think she was like that.”
“Wow. I’m sorry. That’s crazy. Like really crazy.”
“Yeah, it’s right up there with get a side chick pregnant while holding up the divorce.”
A bigger smile crossed my face and I let out a small, giggle-like noise. I felt warm inside. “It would seem so.”
I asked him about his college days and I was so wrapped up in his stories that when I looked at the time as I pulled into my neighborhood, I was shocked. He ended up talking to me for the entire hour and twenty-seven minutes it took me to get home.
“It’s getting close to four o’clock in the morning. Where are you now?” I asked.
“Home. Where are you?”
“Two minutes away. How long have you been home? I didn’t hear you get out of the car.”
“An hour. And I didn’t. I’m waiting for you to get out of yours.”
“What? Why?”
“Because if you needed me, I wanted to be able to just pull off and drive to you.”
My heart and my breathing stopped.
When blood and oxygen started moving through my body again, my gasp was audible. “Cedi…”
He didn’t say anything, but I heard him breathing. I knew he was there. I knew he could hear me. I knew he knew he had affected me. But the part that made my hair stand on end was that I knew he meant it.
Afraid of what I would say or what I would ask of him, I made an irrational decision. “Thank you for being a good friend. Go get some rest. I’m getting out of the car now.”
He was quiet for a moment and then I heard him open his car door. “Okay, Emily.”
I swallowed hard. “Okay, CJ. Goodnight.”
He hung up immediately after saying goodnight.
Parking my car, I gripped the steering wheel with both hands. Before I left the car, I focused on stuffing the things I felt for CJ back into a box and burying it in the depths of my soul.
“It’s just a little crush because he’s the anti-Anthony. He’s a real man. He’s a good man. I need to focus on my own life and not bringing someone else into my mess. Besides, he has a girlfriend—a fact that he didn’t mention once tonight,” I told myself in a hushed tone. “I just need to focus on me.”
Speaking the words aloud gave them a power they didn’t have in my head.
I grabbed my belongings and got out of my car. Walking toward my townhouse door, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Sure he gave me butterflies from miles away, but it’s just a crush. He distracted me long enough for me to get home safely and he reminded me of my power and strength. He was and has always been a good friend to me. I just have a little crush and once it’s gone, I’ll be able to be a good friend to him in return. It’s just a crush.
Chapter 15
Saturday, August 12th –11:18am
“I love you, too,” I replied wit
h a smile. I switched my cell phone to my other ear. “And you don’t have to thank me.”
“I don’t know what we would’ve done without you. You have been a lifesaver, Em. You are the best sister in the world,” Sahara thanked me.
“Being sisters means that you don’t need to keep thanking me for helping you guys out. That’s the sibling bond. If Manny was in the hospital, I would’ve done the same exact thing for him. You are my sister which means what’s yours is mine. Your husband is my brother. Those kids are my kids. Your sadness is my opportunity to step up. Your happiness is my opportunity to be proud. I would do anything for you, you know that. We are family. Our families are family.”
“It was good seeing you so often. I miss you already. And I know the kids miss their favorite Aunt Emily.”
“And Auntie Em is their only aunt and she misses all of her sweet babies.”
Sahara laughed lightly—it wasn’t her usual boisterous laugh, but it was the first time I’d heard the sound in a while. “We’ll talk about that name another time. I hear someone crying. Have fun at the party.”
“When do I not have fun at a party?” I joked.
“Oh and… I received a call from—” She stopped abruptly, the crying got louder in the background. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Omigod omigod omigod.“
“What?” I slowed my movements as I traveled across the kitchen, unsure of what was happening on the other end of the line. “What’s wrong?”
“There’s shit everywhere. There’s literally shit everywhere. The crib is a literal shit show right now. Oh my God. I can’t even deal with this right now.” She sighed with so much dejection that my concern grew.
I stopped wrapping aluminum foil around the dish I was taking to the party and waited to see what would happen next. When I heard a man’s voice approaching, I relaxed.
“Tell everyone I said thank you,” she whispered in a rush before we said our goodbyes and disconnected the call.
I knew who she meant by ‘everyone’ and I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to open that door. Some things in the past should stay in the past.
I finished packing up the dessert I made using Grandma Talia’s recipe, but I couldn’t deny the worry I felt for Sahara. I had to remind myself that she was going to be fine, but the worry didn’t completely disappear.
Having a kid is one thing, but having multiple kids and grieving the loss of another while rebounding from a rough delivery and not being medically cleared to go back to work was a whole other ballgame.
Sahara wasn’t released from the hospital for a week after she had the twins. Unfortunately, instead of resting, she had to plan the funeral from the hospital. She was weak and the delivery had taken a lot out of her. The identical baby boys, Malcolm and Evan, were beautiful and healthy and were ready to be released from the hospital on the same day as their mom. Their dad seemed overwhelmed and I was able to adjust my schedule to stay and help for a few days longer than anticipated.
The funeral for Baby Emma was heartbreaking and helping pick out a baby coffin was probably the saddest thing I’d ever done in my life.
After two weeks in Philadelphia for the birth and funeral and a couple of days at home for the competition, I went back to Philadelphia for a week during mid-July. My final trip for the summer happened during the first weekend in August. The dancers had a competition in Baltimore so I just tacked on a few extra days and flew up to Philly after we’d won.
But after all that baby loving time, it’s time for some adult fun.
Checking myself out in the mirror, I turned around in my hot pink backless dress with the deep V-neck. The dress hit above the knees. It was short enough to be sexy, but long enough to cover the scars on my upper thighs. My manicure and pedicure were fresh from a spa weekend I treated myself to for the first time in years. At the beginning of the month, I had the colorist at the salon dye my hair back to its natural black and instead of putting it up, I decided to display the natural waves. I told myself that the extra care I put into my outfit had nothing to do with seeing CJ.
It definitely has nothing to do with the last time he saw me I had tears and snot on my face. Nope. I just got this dress because it’s a beautiful summer day.
I put the two covered dishes in the car and made my way to Atlanta for Addison’s thirtieth birthday celebration. She was having a day party and an elegant night out. I had a packed bag with my clothing in the backseat and the garment bag with my semi-formal dress in the trunk. I was ready for any and everything.
Except traffic.
Due to an accident and general Saturday traffic, I didn’t get to my destination until almost five o’clock in the afternoon. Fortunately, it was Addison’s party so it didn’t quite start at three o’clock as planned anyway.
I’d only been to Addison’s apartment a couple of times during our eight-month friendship, but I’d never been to the roof. When I arrived, I was instantly taken with the expansive views of downtown Atlanta. I hadn’t even looked around the roof because I was so enchanted by the view. It gave the illusion that the whole world was at our feet.
“Em!” Addison’s voice pierced through the reggae beat that pumped through the speakers.
I looked around until I saw her. My hands were full so I just smiled and made my way in her direction. She absolutely glowed in her short, yellow dress. The way the golden hue reflected off her brown skin was almost magical.
“Emily, I don’t think I’ve seen you look better than you do right now,” Addison said in lieu of a greeting. She eyed me. “I mean, you look seriously hot. And I don’t know if it’s because of—oh hey Addo!” She jumped slightly as if he had appeared out of nowhere behind me. “Would you be so kind as to take whatever delicious Lebanese dish Emily brought with her to the food table please?”
I took my time turning in his direction as I explained what I had to Addison. “It’s actually from the other side of my family. It’s a Samoan dessert. Pani Popo...”
Damn, I thought as my eyes quickly swept up and down CJ’s body. Wearing khaki shorts and nothing else, I was at a loss for words.
“Hi Emily, it’s nice to see you.” His eyes took me in. “You look amazing.”
“I was just telling her that! What is different? And why do I love it so much? Tell me everything,” Addison interjected, forcing me to take my eyes off him.
I giggled at her dramatics. “Thank you. I just went back to my natural hair color.” I fingered my black tresses as they cascaded in soft waves past my shoulders. “That’s the only thing I can think of that’s different.”
“Your smile is different,” CJ pointed out, his voice barely making it over the throbbing beat. “And your eyes.”
Our eyes met and I sucked in a huge breath. Swallowing hard, I forced my mouth to open. “I hope that’s a good thing.”
“It’s a really good thing. You look like you’ve been sleeping better.” His eyes quickly dipped, taking me in from head to toe. “You look beautiful.” CJ took the dish out of my hand and his fingertips seared my skin as it made contact.
Goosebumps traveled up my arms and made heat travel up my neck. I felt flushed. “Thank you. You look really, really good.” I wet my lips as I took in his broad shoulders, firm muscles and the abs and chest I felt but had never seen. “Really good.”
When my eyes made it back to his face, he was smirking at me. “That time was free. Next time, I’m charging you.”
I laughed, only slightly embarrassed because I couldn’t be sure I didn’t drool.
He walked off with the dish and I looked at the way his muscles in his back moved with each step. After a couple of seconds, I ripped my eyes away from him and back to Addison.
“Happy Birthday,” I enthused as she eyed me suspiciously.
Grabbing my arm, pulling me to the glass barrier that kept children and drunken fools from falling from the eight-story building, she hissed, “You have feelings for him, don’t you?”
I opened my mouth to deny it, bu
t decided that I wasn’t going to lie to her. Looking around us, I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. It’s a little crush.”
“What I just saw wasn’t a little crush. You two had hearts floating between you like this was a damn cartoon!”
I tilted my head and gave her a look. “I was just surprised to see him and he was shirtless. I’ve never seen him shirtless.”
And I needed to commit that image to memory. Because damn!
“The thing is, I wasn’t even talking about just you. He was looking at you like he was going to fuck you in the middle of my party.”
My head fell back and laughed. “Come on, Addy!” I looked around to make sure we weren’t being overheard. “He barely looked at me!”
“I know my brother. And I know the way he looked at you was not the way he looks at his girlfriend of three months.”
My smile slipped a little bit. “So that’s still a thing, huh?”
She twisted her lips and nodded.
“Do you like her?” I asked curiously.
“I do.” She scrunched her nose up cutely. “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “No, don’t be sorry. I’m glad you do. It’s important that you like who your brother is dating. I know my brother dated some real Debbie Downers and it’s hard to watch. I’m glad you like her.”
“She’s really sweet and just a genuinely nice person. Does a lot of volunteer work and she has a good job. And he seems to like her so…” She shrugged.
“Is he happy?”
“Yeah, I think so.” She was quiet as she seemed to ponder over the question. “He doesn’t laugh that much with her and they don’t really do a lot of fun things, but she’s nice and she understands that he’s busy.” She gave me an odd smile. “He’s very serious with her—and not like ‘knocking on marriage’s door’ serious, but like they don’t seem to ever have fun. They smile, but I don’t really see them having fun. I don’t know. It’s weird. Like they’re leaving in a few minutes because she has a work function they are going to.” She rolled her eyes. “They’re missing this epic event for a work party.”
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