by Dawn Martens
“I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions,” I say, not wanting to look at him.
He lets out a hearty laugh. “Darlin’, I would have thought something was wrong with your head if you didn’t react that way.”
I feel his hands on my face as he turns me to look at him. “I promise, no more secrets. You and me, Eden,” he says seriously.
I nod. “Yeah, no more secrets,” I lie. I need to find a way to tell him. He wraps his arms around me, and I bury the secret a little deeper inside, not wanting to lose what we have.
I moved around the one bedroom apartment that Lilly’s aunt helped me get. I’d been taking online classes and a night class to get some sort of degree, when I first felt it. I smiled and quickly grabbed my phone, dialing Lilly’s number.
“Hey, Lilly-pad,” I said with a smile.
“Hey, Eden,” she said warmly.
“I felt it! First time,” I squealed.
“No way! Really? Was it weird?” she asked.
I laughed. “No, it was amazing!”
“When are you gonna tell Jasper? Eden? He needs to know,” she said seriously.
“Lilly, you know I tried, so please stop,” I begged her, losing my smile.
“Fine, but when it’s time, I want to be there. I’ll do what I have to so it’s not suspicious,” Lilly said.
“Babe, you know that’s next to impossible, and anyway, I was talking to Hilary, and she’s coming down to visit when it’s time. Said she would just tell Mason she was going to visit with her cousin,” I told her.
“Okay, good. I just don’t want you to be alone.”
“I won’t. Thank you for thinking of that, though. Love you, but I need to get going,” I told her and hung up.
God, this is killing me. How do I tell him? The longer I wait, the worse this is going to be. I am so afraid I have waited too long and everything we have built will come crashing down. I just got him back.
*~*
We decided to have a cookout today, thinking it would be good to have everyone back together; although, I’m dreading it slightly. Hilary will be facing Mason for the first time in almost nine years. Not sure how she has managed to stay under his radar with how much she has been all over town. I got all the details of why they split only about a year after they got married, and honestly, they’re both a mess. I understand Hilary somewhat, because her father was the pastor of the local church, and if that secret came out, her father’s reputation would have been ruined, but at the same time, she should have told her husband.
Everyone is here already, except Hilary and the kids. Mason seems on edge. He didn’t want to be here when he found out Hilary was going to be, and Jasper is nervously watching between him and the back door, almost like he’s waiting for something.
Vinny and Lilly are being polite around each other, talking about only baby stuff. Vinny touches her small bump every so often, and he smiles whenever the baby flutters against his hand. I wish I hadn’t screwed things up between them. They almost look like a couple again, but I know they aren’t. Appearances can be so deceiving. One look at them from an outside view, and they appear like the happiest almost parents. But knowing them on the inside, I know that, right now, there is no getting them back together.
“Hilary’s in the house,” Hilary shouts, coming out the back doors. She looks great as always. Hilary is always so put together, never a hair out of place. Her hair is swept back from her face in a clip, her lips painted red, and she’s dressed in a pair of black slacks and a cream colored blouse.
Seeing Jessica and Ethan follow behind her has me at ease. Their being here should make me anxious.
“What the fuck!” Mason shouts, glaring at her, his gaze switching to the kids.
Oh no!
“Brother,” Jasper says, getting up and trying to stand between them.
“Kids, over here,” I say urgently. They come quickly over to me, kissing and hugging me tightly. “Go play with Glenna, okay, guys? She’s over by the play set.” They nod quickly and run over to her. I miss them so much. I have to fix things. They say they understand, but I am so scared I’m screwing their lives up with my choices. I couldn’t put them in danger too, though.
“How old are they?” Mason demands, shouting in Hilary’s face.
Jasper is pushed aside, and Vinny is trying to get in between Hilary and Mason, but it seems that Mason is too riled up to let anyone in between them.
“They are almost nine, if you must know,” Hilary says, rolling her eyes.
“You kept me from my god damned kids?”
“Pfft, right. Sure. Whatever you wanna tell yourself.” Hilary stands toe to toe with him proudly.
Shit, another problem I’ve caused. I can’t let this fight happen.
“I’ll fight you. I’ll fight you with everything I have in me,” he says low and menacing.
“Good luck. They aren’t even yours,” she yells at him.
“I knew you were a fuckin’ whore! Tried to tell me you didn’t cheat on me. All that bullshit pleading, and you really were a fucking liar!” he yells.
“Fuck you! I never fucking cheated on you! We both know it! Before Bryce moved, he even told you the fucking truth! And with Trent, trust me when I say, it wasn’t what you thought!” she yells back at him.
I edge closer, wanting to wade in when everything comes crashing down. Vinny shoots me a look, almost pleading with me with his eyes. He knows. I know this is it. I have to tell the truth. I can’t let my secrets and lies stand in the way of Hilary’s happiness, even if it costs me my own. It’s not fair of me. As much as I love Jasper, he needs to know the truth. I just didn’t want to do it like this in front of everyone. He is going to hate me.
“Bullshit! If you never cheated, then whose fucking kids are they?” His fists are clenched by his sides with pure anger and raw emotion radiating from him. He has this look on his face that could kill. Mason cracks his knuckles. I don’t like how his temper is getting angrier by the second.
“Not yours!” she screeches, getting louder. Hilary is right in his face now, giving as good as she is getting.
“If you didn’t cheat, then they sure as fuck are!” he bellows.
“They aren’t yours, because they aren’t even mine!” she screams, punching him in the chest.
Everyone in the yard stills, their eyes swinging widely between the two.
“What?” Mason asks, disbelieving. He glances toward the kids, and he gets a strange look on his face. Does he see their resemblances to their father? His shoulders fall slightly.
Hilary frantically searches the yard, her eyes finding mine, almost pleading with me. I wince, pain etching my body.
“They’re mine,” I choke out hoarsely. I say it again, speaking up.
Jasper turns to me, question all over his face. “What do you mean, they are yours?”
“They’re my kids,” I say a little more confidently.
Jasper’s face turns to stone, and I notice everyone else in the yard shift around uncomfortably. “But you told me you couldn’t have kids. You lied to me. You promised no secrets. Who’s their father?” he asks, his voice laced with acid.
“You,” I whisper, losing my confidence and his heart with one word.
I look over to where the twins are playing. “Mine?” I ask, shocked as shit.
“I’m sorry, Jasper.” Eden says, crying in a strangled sob. She almost falls to the ground.
I glance toward where my kids are! Fuck, I never thought I would ever say that—my kids—not after shit with Monica and not after Eden said she couldn’t have any. Both of them laugh as they are pushed on the swing, higher and higher; the same swing set I pushed Eden on so many years ago. My kids are in the same yard she forced dirt in my mouth; funny how her betrayal has the same taste. I can’t believe it. I missed everything with them. She took something from me that I can never get back—time.
She fuckin’ kept them for me. All this time, she kept them away from me—kept my own
flesh and blood away from me. Spinning around, I stomp toward her. Eden backs away slightly as I stop in front of her.
“Sorry? You’re fucking sorry? You kept me from my kids!” I shout at her, slinging my arm in her direction. Everyone in the yard stops what they’re doing and watches us. They all know not to get in the middle of this. This is between Eden and me.
“I had to, Jasper,” Eden sobs, gripping her hands in front of her. Her fingers twist as though she is about to break them in two, just as she has ripped my heart down the middle.
“Had to.” I can’t help but laugh. “Why the fuck would you have any reason to keep my kids from me, their father?” I sneer. I can’t help it. I’m fucking pissed as hell.
Eden looks around the yard, then her eyes are back on me. “You broke my heart,” she whispers, hugging her chest tight.
Did I hear that right?
I take a step and stop directly in front of her; I notice Hilary and Lilly step beside her as I approach.
I can’t help the laugh that escapes from my mouth. “You know what? You’re the one who broke my heart, Eden! You broke it the moment you kept my kids from me for all these years.” Shaking my head, I spin around, but stop when I feel her tiny hand rest on my arm.
“Jasper, I’m sorry for keeping them away from you. I wasn’t thinking straight at all. Please, can we go somewhere else to talk about this?” I can tell by the hurt on her face that she is sorry, but being sorry doesn’t make it right. This isn’t some white lie I can ignore. These are my children we’re talking about—a piece of me she hid away.
I pull my arm from her fevered touch. “Nothing you can do or say at this point will ever have me forgiving you. I can’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth,” I growl toward her. I have to get away from her before I say something I may regret later on. As much as I hate her right now in this moment, she is still their mother.
I move around her, ignoring her pleas and cries, and make my way over to the play set where the kids are playing.
“Hi, Angel!” Glenna says, smiling at me.
“Hey, G-baby,” I say quietly. I look to the twins, who are openly staring at me in awe. “You know who I am?” I ask them. They are eight, almost nine years old. No point in beating around the bush about that shit. I take a long hard look at them. I don’t know how I missed it when I first saw them that day when Hilary showed up with them. Ethan has Eden’s features, and Jessica looks a lot like my own mother. What will my mom think of them? I don’t even know where to begin in explaining it to her, but I will when the time is right. It’s not as if I keep in much contact with her—a call here or there, but I know she’ll want to get to know her grandkids.
Jessica nods. Ethan speaks up. “Sure do. You’re our dad,” he says grinning.
“Yeah, kid, I am,” I say, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. I kneel down, and they both bolt to me, throwing their arms around me.
In this moment, I know I’m going to be the best damn father I can be. But me and Eden? I’ll never forgive her for this. We’re through.
Three months later
I pull up to the school to pick up the kids and hop out of the truck. I lean against it, waiting for the bell to ring and them to come out.
“Angel!” Glenna yells when she sees me. “I’m so happy you’re here! Ethan kissed Carrie at lunch today!” she says grinning. “Shh, don’t tell him I told you, but we should secretly make fun of him forever for it!”
“You got it, G-baby.” Crazy little shit flips her hair over her shoulder acting like a priss. She hops into the back seat and scoots over. Jessica and Ethan come out next.
“Hey, Dad!” they yell in unison.
“We have so much homework tonight. Totally sucks.” Jessica says, climbing in beside Glenna.
“Hey, Dad, can we go get ice cream before you take us home?” Ethan asks, throwing his book bag into the bed of the truck.
“Sure, why not,” I say shrugging.
“Nobody better tell Mom!” he says sternly into the back seat, glaring at Glenna.
I laugh because they should already know better; G-baby can’t keep her mouth shut. As soon as that kid knows something, she is bursting at the seams to tell someone.
“Duh, little brother!” Jessica says, rolling her eyes.
I shake my head. She reminds me so much of her mother. She has that same spitfire attitude of Eden’s. Every time I think about her, I feel the knife of her lies twisting in my heart.
“We’re twins! I can’t be your little brother,” he shouts back at her.
“Oh, yes you can! You were born exactly thirteen minutes later!” Jessica sticks her tongue out at him then smiles sweetly at me.
Hearing about that hurts a little, but I try not to let it show. I wasn’t there for anything—the births, nothing. Only good thing out of this, well two, is that Eden named those kids the names we chose, and the fact that she protected them from her father.
I’ve been spending time with them every so often, as much as I can. Eden and I have sort of worked out an agreement without me taking her to court. I get the kids every other weekend, and I do all the school pick-ups, unless I can’t. The club has a few active cases right now that are demanding a lot of my time, but nothing will ever stand between my kids and me again.
I love these kids, but at the same time, not having been able to be around while they were growing up fucking kills me. They latched onto me fairly fast. It was an adjustment for us all at first. I wasn’t sure what they would think of me. I was so afraid they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Me, a tough biker, was scared of a couple of kids not liking me. Might sound funny to some, but I had a piece of shit father. I don’t ever want to hurt my kids like my father did me.
We get to the ice cream shop, and the kids run out and into the store when my phone rings. I grab it and hit accept without looking whose calling. “Angel,” I greet.
“Um, hey, it’s Roni. Was wondering if you could have someone help me move my things? I can’t exactly do this myself,” she says, sounding exasperated.
“I thought I told you to stay at the apartment?” I ended up getting a new place, one with three bedrooms, because I wanted the kids to be able to stay over, so I let Roni keep my other apartment. They had a good time helping me decorate. It feels like a real home, unlike my last apartment. Though, when the kids aren’t with me, it gets lonely on my own. For many years, I was used to being on my own. Sure, I had an occasional fuck until Eden came back into the picture. I really thought we had something, until her hidden truths were exposed.
“I know, but you probably want your space back,” she says.
“I got a new place, so keep it,” I say, hanging up. I haven’t had to deal much with her lately. For someone that got beat up the way she did, she’s pretty fuckin’ calm about it. I let the other members deal with her when I can help it.
I walk into the shop and find the kids loading more sprinkles on their ice creams than should be allowed. Eden would probably throw a shit fit over the amount of sugar I give them, but I don’t care. I’ve missed out on almost nine years. I smile when I see them, and go up to the counter to get my own and pay.
We sit down at the table, all of the kids grinning and laughing with their mouth’s full. A little girl comes in and blushes when Ethan waves at her. Now I know why he wanted to come for ice cream. That must be Carrie. I smile. Yep, that’s my son, already working his charm on the girls at school. He goes over to the sprinkles, pretending he needs more so he can talk to her. G-baby and Jessica start teasing him when he gets back to the table.
“All right, enough. Leave him alone,” I warn them.
As we’re eating our ice cream, the bell over the door goes off, and I glance up. Monica comes in, not paying attention to her surroundings as she digs into her purse. She doesn’t look very happy, and I’m afraid it is because of me. I never meant to string her along for so long. She knew that I would never be able to give her what she wanted. Hell, we talked a
bout it enough over the years. I thought she was okay with things. She must sense someone looking at her. She glances up, and her eyes find mine. She gives me a small smile at first, but then her eyes move to the side, seeing my kids.
Her face pales; she must realize they are mine, and I see tears starting to form in her eyes. She quickly blinks them away and leaves without getting herself anything.
I put my head down, pain lacing through me. Fuck! I never meant to hurt her. I guess in the back of my mind it was easy to hide behind Monica, because I always had hope that Eden would come back. And now that she has, things are so fucked up—even more than I could have ever imagined. I love Eden, but she kept my kids from me. She made a choice that wasn’t hers to make alone. I had every right to know these kids were mine. I’ll be damned if anyone ever comes between me and them again.
“Alright, get cleaned up, guys. Gotta get you home,” I tell them. G-baby gives me a knowing look. She knows I never told Eden about Monica, but I guess, at this point, it doesn’t matter.
I start preparing supper, when the front door opens and I hear the sound of running feet. “Hey, kids! In here,” I yell out. Once everything was out of the bag, there really wasn’t a need for them to stay with Hilary anymore. I love that she was able to take care of them the way she did, but I missed my babies; I wanted them home. Jessica shares a room with Glenna, and Ethan has his own. Jessica wasn’t too happy about having to share with G-baby, but she has grown to love it.
“Hey, Edie!” Glenna says. She shoves straight past the kids and comes right for me to give me a hug. G-baby is always so loving with me.
“Hey, Mom!” Jessica and Ethan yell. They all get a seat at the table. Ethan and Jessica are bumping elbows and arguing about personal space—siblings. I shake my head knowing that they will eventually stop.
“Hey, Edie! Angel took us out for ice cream! It was so good! I wanted to bring you back some, but everyone yelled at me,” Glenna says, frowning.
I laugh. “Is that so?” G-baby and her big mouth.