Although I had plenty females depending on me to keep them fit, I was always searching pastures new. It’s the chase, isn’t it? The problems begin when you catch the new material. I’ve taken off plenty of times when I have been invited back to their homes and did the ‘dust test’ while they were powdering their nose, or whatever. When they come back, I’ve gone. It may have been a pet, a dirty house or perhaps a personal hygiene problem that put me off. Choosy – yes. Really, I would have preferred a quick medical, just to be on the safe side.
I kept seeing my regulars, which took up most of my week. Each one of them wanted to see me every night, but who would I drop? I preferred to keep things at arm’s length and not get serious. It’s easier at the inevitable parting. I was having a pop star’s existence and milking every moment of it. Then one night after drinks at an end of course do, I was persuaded to go to a night club. I noticed two ladies on the dance floor getting lots of requests for a dance, which they consistently declined. One of them was particularly attractive. I decided not to try my luck and I concentrated on drinking and socialising with the group I agreed to attend with. Soon, it was one thirty in the morning and we decided it was time to leave. It always takes time to round up the troops and while I was waiting, these two aforementioned young ladies were exiting the dance floor. While they were walking past me, I said to the really attractive one, “That’s a pity, I was just going to ask you for the last dance.” She looked at me for a moment and then said, “Come on then,” knowing her friend was waiting for her. I quickly responded, knowing that others were waiting for me also. We had a dance and a quick cuddle and as we exited the dance floor, I asked her for her phone number and she quickly wrote it down on piece of a cigarette packet. We then said goodnight and I gave her a peck on the cheek.
I thought about her over the weekend. I do not normally go out with females who smoke, but I thought that maybe it was not her cigarette packet, or perhaps she only smokes one per week. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt as she was so attractive. I called a couple of times and she was not at home. I telephoned on Sunday and caught her and we had a good introductory chat. She confessed that she was dubious about having another relationship as her previous encounter with a male ended acrimoniously some months earlier. I arranged to meet her the following Thursday. One doesn’t want to appear too keen. Thursday came and I arrived at the meeting spot on time. I noticed her driving around and I went over to her car and she was having a fag, which put me off straight away. She confessed that she was very nervous about us meeting and had driven around a couple of times deciding whether or not to go ahead. I said that she may as well have a quick drink as she had come all this way, about thirty miles; it was fifteen for me and I would not normally put myself out that much. We went into a nearby hotel and she was shaking like a leaf. I put my arm around her and told her to calm down and that she was as safe as she could possibly be with me. I got her a coffee and a brandy and said that that was probably all the alcohol that she should drink, as she would have to drive home. I then went off touring the hotel and looking for a television as there was a fight being shown, which was quite rare for a Thursday evening. I’m surprised I turned up. I kept returning to the lady, who was by now being comforted by the hotel manager. I said that I had a telephone call to make and that I would be back soon. I came back again and confessed that I had seen a sporting event on T.V. and asked her if she minded if we moved rooms to catch the end of the fight. She later confided that she would normally have been highly insulted, but her nervousness had been relieved by my non-attentive attitude. I told her that I had given her space, but now she had my undivided attention. We talked about her previous relationships and how she thought she would never go out with a man again. I told her that that would be a mistake to pre- judge all men. Understandable, but a mistake, nevertheless. I was an absolute gentleman, more of a counsellor than a date. I took her hand, escorted her back to her car, opened the door for her and fastened her seat belt, gave her a kiss and told her that I would ring her after a few days and she if she wanted to go out with me, then we would meet again and I would treat her again with the utmost respect. I dashed back to the College area, called in on one of my regulars, who was very pleased to see me, so I gave her more pleasure and then went back to the College bar for several nightcaps.
I did not ring this new acquaintance until Monday. By now, she was very keen to see me. I went back to our original meeting point and treated her as if we had never met before. This brought her a smile. We got on really well together and she explained to me where she lived and worked. She explained to me that her boss kept pestering her for a date and her constant refusal meant that he was continually mean to her. She said that most of the staff were divorced females who depended on their jobs and he was mean to them all. I said that I would not like to interfere and make matters worse, but if ever she would like me to re-arrange his looks and shape, I was willing to oblige. Perhaps we could bump into him accidentally, and I could give him a fright. She said she would think about it. When we discussed the location of her home, I told her that I was not familiar with the area and that I had never been to that part of the world before. She looked at her watch and suggested that I follow her to her home for a coffee. This I did and it took half an hour, so this was not very inviting. We arrived at her place which was really rather nice and immaculately clean. She produced the coffee and again came over as being very nervous. She asked me if I minded if she had a drink of whiskey and did I want one. I answered no and yes, and I comforted her and told her not to worry and that I would go after the coffee and whiskey. I grabbed her and gave her a passionate kiss to which she responded and to my great surprise, it developed into a very energetic bonking session, which I had not expected, nor did I expect the flood of tears which followed. She explained that she never thought that she could do that again. I made her laugh when I jokingly accused her of using me. It really broke the ice. I was very complimentary towards her saying that she was the most attractive woman I had ever seen in all respects. She was also the best bonk I had ever had; I didn’t share that with her. I left soon afterwards to let her contemplate. I shocked her by phoning her when I returned to the College, for which she was very grateful. That earned me a return visit the following night. The following evening was like the Sex Olympics and she got the gold. If I told you how many times we performed, you would not believe me, but I had to put my foot down to get back to the College in time for breakfast. Everyone thought that I had been out for a jog, well I had in a way. Despite the distance, I was now seeing this wonderful lady most evenings based on the philosophy of why would you want to drive a Ford Fiesta when you could drive a Bentley. She became Regular number 4 and I was running out of nights in a week.
My other regulars were feeling neglected and I was actively avoiding collecting any new material, but the pressure was always there. To gain an extra night, I would travel directly to her place on a Sunday night and on to the College the next morning. I now found myself missing some of my home trips and going away with my new mate instead. This continued for another year until the dreaded day arrived.
Chapter Fourteen
Back to Reality – Well Sort of…
After three years of secondment, I had to return to my own authority and this caused great heartache for me and many others. I assured my very best friend that this would not make any difference to us, except that I would now be reversing my week and travelling down there at weekends. This consoled her in the very short term, but not for long. She threatened suicide. I found myself having to leave work early during the week and bombing down to her place and returning early morning. I was bombarded with phone calls and I suspected that some of the calls had an audience. It got to the stage where I had to have a confidential conversation with a couple of control operators to try and prevent others from finding out about my situation and to screen calls and make excuses for me saying that I was at an emergency. The situation was becomin
g intolerable and these two women were now turning the situation into blackmail potential. I had to socialise with them to appease them. This was also great fun. This change of lifestyle was huge and it was like ‘drying out’.
I had to completely change my life or go mad. My work did not challenge me, so I went into boxing managership. This meant me running on the beach most mornings with my protégé and returning after work early evening for sparring sessions. This I did for several months and when I secured a fight for my new charge, I asked a well-known promoter to come up and check him out. The lad had been sensational in the gym, but during his fight it was like he had never been taught anything. He was like a human windmill and was caught with a stupid punch that should never have caught anyone paying the remotest of attention. And that was that, I threw in the towel for us both. Never rely on anyone else. That was why I liked boxing in the first place. At least this brief management taste got me re-conditioned to accept a different lifestyle. Stick with the social work with the women I thought.
I have often been asked who was the best boxer that I have ever seen. My considered opinion is that Muhammad Ali was undoubtedly the most likeable and charismatic individual with unique talent. However, the most gifted natural boxer was Teófilo Stevenson. Being from Cuba and not allowed to box professionally, despite many offers, prevented him from receiving the accolade that he would have got from gracing the professional ring. The most aggressive fighter was the Panamanian Roberto Durán, but the best technical fighter with enough talent to vary his style to cope with anyone was Sugar Ray Leonard. This was amply demonstrated when he lost to Durán by fighting the wrong fight and in the return fight, with totally different tactics, he ruined Durán’s fearsome reputation.
Back to the plot.
I was inspired by a friend who confided in me that he was in somewhat of a dilemma. He had been having a long-term relationship with a girl who lived about 200 miles away, which necessitated him to acquire a more local girl for his requirements. He decided to take the local girl on holiday to his favourite Spanish resort. He mentioned in his telephone conversations with his long-term girlfriend that he was going on holiday with his mates. A couple of days before he was due to leave, he received a phone call from his distant love telling him that she had managed to get some time off from work and had managed to get a flight and accommodation in the hotel opposite to his. I asked him what he was going to do about the situation. He pondered for a moment and then said, “I guess that I’m going on a two-centre holiday.”
I couldn’t wait for the debrief when he got back. I believe that his daily progress was carefully being followed on Twitter and Facebook with all the secrecy that those systems bring. Anyhow, the local girlfriend was not interested in sunbathing and preferred the exploratory type holiday so that is what she did while he, allegedly, spent his time with the many acquaintances that he had made on previous trips. Really, he was with the other one drinking and bonking all day. Then it was back to the other one to spend the evening, with a couple of exceptions. What exhausting work and no opportunity to acquire a suntan. Both partners must have been very understanding or thick. I don’t think that we will be seeing them any time soon on Mastermind.
I met many exciting women during my career, but then came a gift from Shangri la. I was introduced to a businesswoman who was an absolute stunner. I do not exaggerate. Think of a beautiful shapely woman – and then magnify that ten times. She was also extremely funny. Once on a trade stand, she was promoting a particular brand of whiskey and actually gave out bottles as free samples to amazed recipients. She whispered in my ear that she had never made so many men happy without going to bed with them. She was a reincarnated Marilyn Monroe, only shapelier. Everywhere she went around the country, we arranged to meet. One day at about five thirty, I was leaving the office for the day when I received a call that I had a visitor. It was this woman. She called in because she was in the area and was after accommodation for the night. I had other arrangements, like being on call during the night, so I had to decline her wonderful offer. I think that she was shocked, disappointed and angry in equal measure and I left her in her car, mobile to her ear and I drove off. But, then I had this brain-wave. I telephoned her back and said that I would re-arrange everything and accommodate her. I drove back to my headquarters, she parked her car up and then I drove her to a posh hotel on the edge of the city, close to major access roads. I went in and had a word with the manager and made arrangements to have my car outside of a convenient room, ready for a quick take-off should the need arise. I telephoned my control and told them of my revised telephone contacts for the next twelve hours or so. The rules were that you had to be on a landline contact during the night, so I told the control girls that my home phone was out of action, that I had made arrangements with the hotel. I would also be on pager and mobile phone contact. This arrangement had never been done before and one of the control operators phoned my home and found the telephone to be working. She reported back to me that the phone was working. I angrily retorted that I was in charge of operations and those were the arrangements for the night. This must have really set tongues wagging.
We had dinner and a thoroughly pleasant evening, leading up to the inevitable road-testing, which was a very sporty drive. It was so sporty that I managed to break the bed, which reduced her to uncontrollable laughter. There was a knock at the door and it was the house manager, investigating the noise. She came in and I was on all fours examining the bed. My guest said to her: “There, you can have what’s left of him,” which set them both off laughing even louder. The night was spoiled by several unnecessary phone calls from my control asking my permission to do things that should have been decided further down the management chain. The last one just before breakfast was from the senior control officer, cheekily enquiring if I was OK. “We have to look after the boss,” she said. “Yes, everything will be back to normal tonight,” I said. My guest went off to some other part of the country and I was able to return to normality.
During the day, while having a quick coffee, I was mentally debriefing last night’s events. I told you that she was a bit of a stunner, but I did not realise how much. She had the most perfect breasts that I had ever seen and her minge was the epitome of vaginal engineering. It was like snakes slithering around your willy, gently squeezing and then sucking you in. I recalled what my old friend used to say: “there’s no such thing as an ugly fanny – they are all ugly.” Well she has proven him wrong. I was well and truly smitten with the all-round package of this gorgeous creature. I knew that she was going to be very dangerous to me.
The following evening, when I was again on call, I called into the control room and requested to see the two control operators who were the main culprits of the previous evening’s phone calls. They obviously knew what I was up to and wanted a piece of the action. I said that I would take them out one evening so that we could have a good undisturbed chat. This I did the following week, when we came to an understanding that they would carefully manage any female telephone calls, make sure that they were not recorded and promised to keep all knowledge to themselves. Yes, I’ve always believed in fairies. They suggested the odd social night out in return for their confidentiality. They were both quite tasty, big girls and we used to have the odd sandwich together (with me as the filling). Funnily enough, this led to a bit of jealousy between the two, as they requested exclusive one to ones. During the last threesome, I noticed this shift in attitude as one of them grabbed my important bits to exclude the other. I knew that this would be the end of the trios – fun while it lasted. I remembered previous words that had been said to me before: “Don’t fuck with the payroll.” I was being subtly blackmailed. I determined to resolve this situation and became more distant and official. Would you believe that I was approached by another control operator to say that one of the previous ones was very depressed not to be still seeing me and could I give her a call. I ignored the plea. Pretty soon I was contacted personally by
the disappointed female and invited to call around for a bite to eat next time I was on call. This I did, being careful not to give my specific location away. I was always on radio contact when travelling by car and gave a location when transferring to either telephone of pager contact. Sure enough, when I was in this girl’s house, she received a telephone call from control requesting a chat and then activating my paging unit to check if I was there. I was too smart for this as I had the unit on silent mode, so I was able to step outside and radio contact control. Again, a feeble excuse for the phone call. I did not get mad, just smart. I went back in and continued my excellent nosh that she had prepared for me. She was a much better cook than she was a fuck and I continued regular noshing visits with occasional pay-back. This kept her happy.
I began visiting care homes in rural areas to check on safety arrangements and ensuring that staff knew what to do in case of fire. I met one particularly tasty matron and she invited me back for afternoon tea and scones. Would you believe it she got dressed in black fish net stockings and suspenders? I had a few cups of tea and even more scones and then had her over the desk. I was just getting going on the vinegar strokes when a member of staff walked in to collect the used tea cups. We jumped up and she went mad at the member of staff. Well that spoiled the moment. After a short period of settlement, she then invited me to spend a couple of days in London with her, which I did.
She wanted to visit the Chelsea Flower Show and have afternoon tea at the Ritz. I wasn’t particularly interested in those attractions but I would have to tag along until evening when I could enjoy my attractions. I was always on the lookout for new acquaintances. A new acquaintance was just what I got at the Ritz. We were sat on a table of eight and opposite me was this really attractive Asian woman, who, as I later found out, was a previous Miss World contestant. We started chatting, excluding everyone else. My date was really not amused and she made her feelings well known. The rest of the table were ladies from Birmingham and were there because they had purchased some deal through a Women’s Institute magazine. They were obviously socially out of their depth, or shall I say, comfort zone. For them it must have been like appearing on the film set of Downtown Abbey, with a non-speaking part. I still continued speaking with the gorgeous woman and it progressed to hands under the table. She then turned to speak to her husband and it was then that I became aware that my date was now conversing with these ladies from Brummie. I heard her say to them, “Well we are in my car, so if he wants a lift...” There was now much tittering going on around our table. It was not until we left the table that the Asian goddess came over to me and asked if I wanted to spend the night with her, all sanctioned by her husband. The poor chap was not in good health and was obviously not able to dance with his wife, if I can put it like that. What a dilemma. I could ignore my date and get a train back the next morning, but that would have been unreasonable. So, I opted to ask for her telephone number. The reply surprised me. This was a one time, one-night offer only. Could there be a catch? Was this a set-up? Would I wake up in fairyland? Would something go wrong and it never happen? So, I went for the safe option and stuck to my original plan. The Brummie ladies were like a Wimbledon crowd, mouths open, looking intently for the next scene: “Will he – or won’t he?” Mind you I had a bit of grovelling to do to my lift home to get her in the mood. I often wondered what would have happened had I taken the other option – so if you are still alive out there, please do get in touch.
Secret Squirrel Page 12