by Jill Shalvis
“Hey, I didn’t kill him.”
“True, you just threatened him with . . . what was it? Something about taking his favorite body part and shoving it up his own ass?”
Mark had no regrets. “He was a dick to you.”
“True. But I let him be, so that’s on me. I’m completely over him, though.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
If only that was true. “Is this one of those ‘nothings’ where later on you’ll send me a ten-page essay via text?” he asked.
“It’s not about me,” she said.
Mark looked at his watch.
Mia sighed. “Why do I try to help you?”
“Me?” Color him confused. “I don’t need help with anything.”
“Spoken like a clueless man.” She jerked her head toward the table. And Lanie.
With a shake of his head, he started to walk away but she caught him. “Listen,” she said. “You know how Mom collects people? Holden. Lanie. River—who she’s already going to birthing classes with. Anyway, you’re a collector too.”
Mark watched as Lanie broke one of her cookies in two and gave a half to each of his girls. Okay, so maybe he was a collector, but so was Lanie. She just didn’t seem to know it yet. “Do you have a point?” he asked.
“Yes, if you’d let me make it. I get that you’re still off love, but it makes me worry for Lanie. Not that I think you’ll hurt her on purpose, but . . .”
Mark let out a slow exhale. “I hear you.”
“I hope so, because even as hurt as she’s clearly been and as careful as she is, she’s let your girls into her heart. And she’s well on her way to letting your family in too because, well, we’re fucking irresistible. But up until now, the women you’ve let into your life don’t go all the way in. They dig you ’cuz you’re the sexy, badass military hero or because you carry a gun and know how to use it, but you’re more than that. They’ve been takers, not givers. And Lanie . . . she’s a giver. You need to protect her, Mark, even if it’s from you.”
It was excellent advice. It really was. And he needed to heed it, he thought, watching Sierra climb into Lanie’s lap and press in close.
Lanie didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around his little girl and squeeze. She murmured something into Sierra’s ear that had her giggling and wriggling with pure joy.
Sierra hadn’t spoken a word since the day her mom had walked out on her, but she was still the best people reader Mark knew. That she was comfortable with Lanie spoke volumes.
Lanie smiled too and Mark wondered if she even realized she was letting down her guard for them. He doubted it.
The girls were safe for her, which made him smile because the girls terrified most people. In fact, the Capriottis terrified most everyone.
But not Lanie, and even thinking it had something tightening in his chest. Because if he wasn’t careful, it was going to be him who got hurt at the end of this.
Good thing he was very careful.
THE WINERY ALWAYS settled down after the end of the workday. It was one of Lanie’s favorite times to walk the property. It was quiet, majestic. Beautiful. But tonight as she walked the path to the end of the cottages, past the big house to the barn where the two boogie boards had been leaning against since she and Mark had used them and saw only one, she hesitated.
Don’t do it.
But she did. She grabbed the board. And five minutes later she’d changed and was on her way.
She’d spent the past ten years in Santa Barbara, but before that, she’d grown up in Morro Bay, only fifteen miles from here, where her parents had a home. She’d always felt most comfortable on the beach, any beach, with wet sand between her toes.
The sun was just setting when she slid out of her car and ditched the sweatshirt and shorts she’d pulled on over her bathing suit. She searched the swells and found him, a silhouette of a male body surfing the waves as the sun sank below the horizon.
Mesmerized by the sight, she dove into the water and joined him. Long before she got out to him, he turned his head and found her. Between the swells, their gazes met and held.
She waited, holding her breath. When he smiled and gave her a hurry up gesture with one jerk of his chin, she smiled back.
They spent the next hour racing for the biggest swells, trying to best each other and, barring that, knocking each other off. They exchanged no words, nothing but long looks and the occasional laugh when successfully unseating the other. But there was plenty of touching, grabbing, patting, wrestling . . .
It was the most fun she’d ever had.
Eventually they came out of the water and collapsed to their knees onto his towel, panting from the exertion. She’d never felt more alive and it was doing things to her, revving her up. She wondered if he had condoms tonight . . .
“You shouldn’t surf by yourself,” he said.
“You do,” she said. “And besides, I wasn’t by myself.”
He shook his head and gently pushed her wet hair from her face. “I just don’t like the thought of you out here on your own.”
“I’m good at being on my own.” She brought her hand up to his, holding it to her face, belying her words.
Water drops clung stubbornly to his face and shoulders, some running down his chest and abs. “But that’s my point,” he said quietly. “You don’t have to be, not here. You’ve got a lot of people at your back. Mia, Alyssa, River, my mom . . . everyone. They like you, Lanie. They care about you.”
He hadn’t included himself in that assessment. Not that it mattered, because she knew he liked her. He liked her a lot. But since he wasn’t going to let it go anywhere, it didn’t matter.
It was a reminder of something she didn’t want to think about, because she couldn’t control her emotions like he could and had to look away. But he took her face in his hands and ran his thumb lightly across her lower lip. She leaned in a little closer and could feel his abs tighten against her. She felt him take a deep, slow breath and watched as his eyes darkened.
She put a hand to his chest to feel the reassuring rhythm of his heart. God, she was so stupid happy to be with him. It was way too easy to fall right back into the only place that seemed to work for them.
Mouths locked.
Mark wasn’t big on words but he was most excellent at using actions to reveal his thoughts. She tried to do the same now, letting him know with her kiss how much his presence here tonight meant to her.
Remember, not falling for him . . .
His hands slid up her back, sending shivers cascading through her. She started to say something but was silenced by his hot mouth covering hers again. And again. Since that was nice, very nice, she pressed up against him for more and he angled his head and gave it to her, taking the kiss even deeper, and she felt herself wobble.
His arms tightened, pulling her hard against him in a silent I’ve got you and she let herself go, grinding into him, suddenly desperate to feel as much of him as she could.
Not falling for him . . .
A fact made much easier when he pulled free and met her gaze with reluctance. “This isn’t a good idea.”
“Did you decide that before or after the night at the lake?” she asked.
He winced and closed his eyes for a beat.
Pulling her hands from his delicious body, she tried not to notice that they were wound up against each other, only an inch—or more accurately eight to nine inches—away from having a very happy ending to the night.
“I was serious about this not becoming serious,” he said.
“And I heard you.”
He opened his eyes, his gaze unwavering on hers. “I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t any misunderstanding.”
It was like diving into the cold ocean without any of the feel-good euphoria to go with it. Or the boogie board. Or the ability to swim. He’d literally just jumped into her personal nightmare and found the one thing that could paralyze her. Her deepest, darkest fear.
That she didn’t, couldn’t, trust her own love meter in picking the right guy because she had no idea what a normal relationship was even like.
Which was ridiculous because she didn’t even want that. So she nodded, like it all made perfect sense when actually, nothing made any sense at all; not the way her body still wanted his, not the stabbing, sharp pain where her heart sat in her chest, and not the way she wanted to beg him to change his mind.
But she no longer begged for affections.
She no longer needed anyone’s affections at all and she blamed him for making her forget that even for a second. “Look at the time,” she said, not wearing a watch or checking her phone. She rose to her feet and backed away. “I’ve gotta get going.”
And then she ran to her car, where she paused to smack her forehead on the steering wheel a few times to knock some sense into herself before driving off into the night.
Chapter 14
When your anxiety goes away and having no anxiety gives you anxiety.
Lanie was on the road back to the winery when she took a call from Alyssa. There’d been some sort of electrical outage and the cottages were all out of power until morning.
Perfect.
“We’ve shifted people around in the big house,” Alyssa said. “Everyone has a bedroom for tonight, so no worries.”
Oh hell no. “Thanks, but I can get a hotel.”
“Not in Wildstone, you can’t,” Alyssa said. “No hotels. There’s a B&B, but why spend money? Plus, it’s haunted. We’ve got a room for you here in the big house—it’s all arranged. Second floor, right wing, last bedroom on the left.”
After the call, Lanie let out a breath and decided she needed a little time out, and that time out needed to come with a drink. Wildstone was incredibly picturesque and quaint but it wasn’t exactly hopping. She pulled into Whiskey River, the lone local bar and grill.
In the parking lot she quickly French-braided her still-damp hair and added lip gloss, her one point of pride being that she look as great as possible while feeling as low as possible. It made no sense to her, it really didn’t. She’d gone into this thing with Mark with no expectations. Absolutely none. There was nothing to take; nothing offered except a good time.
It’d all sounded good at the time. So why, then, back at the beach with Mark hadn’t she just expressed her understanding of the situation—because she did understand, more than he could know—and jump his bones?
Instead, she’d protected herself and walked away, hurt and surprised. Because while Mark wasn’t planning on giving anything, she already had. More than one piece of her heart already belonged to his children, his family.
And, if she was being honest, him as well.
Wow. She was really throwing herself a pity party here. Wanting to be over it, she entered Whiskey River and then stopped short at the sight of River sitting at a table by herself, a huge platter of wings in front of her.
River looked embarrassed. “I’d like to say that I’m here with a party of eight, but it’s just me and baby. You going to sit?”
Was she? She liked River, just another person she hadn’t intended to like at all. But even after all these weeks, River still held back with her. Not anyone else, just Lanie. It was one of those things, she knew. She’d never really made friends very easily. But now she was actually trying, though she had no idea why.
Because you’re tired of being a lone wolf . . .
So she sat. “I once ate an entire box of pizza rolls,” she said, aiming to make River feel better. “That’s thirty-six, in case you didn’t know, and the box said it served eight.”
River laughed and rubbed her tummy.
“You having pains?”
“No, the baby’s just active. She thinks kicking my bladder is fun.”
“She?” Lanie asked.
“Yes. Last week Cora changed my status to permanent employee so I could get benefits. She set me up with her friend in town, an ob-gyn. I had an ultrasound today. I’m glad she’s a girl. I like girls far better than males right about now.”
“So . . . you’re staying here in Wildstone?”
River hesitated and then nodded. “It’s nice not to have to worry about a job. And they’re so wonderful here.” She shook her head. “Earlier today Holden and Mark brought me a bassinet. They made it themselves, using the wood from old wine barrels. It’s beautiful and . . . amazing.” She hesitated. “I still feel like I landed on that Nice Planet.”
“You deserve for good things to happen to you, like anyone else,” Lanie said.
River met her gaze, hers suddenly hooded. “I’m not used to good things happening to me.”
Lanie didn’t want to be moved, but she was. “You heard about the electricity being out at the cottages?”
“And that we’re in the big house tonight? Yeah.” River didn’t look put out or anxious about that at all. “It’s going to be like a dream, sleeping in that big, huge place.”
Lanie, not wanting to burst her bubble, forced a smile. “Yeah, like a dream.”
Alyssa walked in with baby Elsa in a wrap against her chest. She started to go to the bar but saw River and Lanie, and headed their way instead. “Hey,” she said. “I’m picking up some food for Owen and I. How you two doing?”
Before either could answer, a scuffle broke out at the bar. Two guys had started an argument, getting off their barstools to do it, shoving each other with one hand, their other hands both still occupied with their beers, which sloshed over with every subsequent shove.
The bartender leapt over the bar and got between them, arms outstretched to hold them apart. “I’ve told you both you’re not allowed to be in here at the same time. I also told you that the next time it happened, I was calling the cops.”
“Call ’em,” one of them growled.
“Already did, dumbass,” the bartender said.
“Hey, he followed me here,” the other guy said, jabbing his beer in the direction of the first idiot.
“Because you told me you were going to ask my girl out!”
“Which I didn’t have to do since she asked me out!”
They tried to jump at each other again but the bartender grabbed for them and the three went down in a tangle.
The front doors opened and Mark strode in, hair still wet, in a sweatshirt and those board shorts, and put himself right into the fray.
“Oh my God,” River gasped.
“It’s okay,” Alyssa said. “This isn’t his first bar fight.”
Still, Lanie stood up in alarm, but in the next breath the fight was completely over. Mark had grabbed each of the idiots by the backs of their shirts and given them a shake. He then pulled them in closer and said something that had them both going still. He held on to them for an extra beat, holding their gazes with his quiet, badass, steely one before finally letting them go.
The two men slunk to the door, heads down.
“Oh my God,” River whispered again.
Yeah, and . . . holy cow, Lanie thought. The man was sexy as hell, which was something she already knew, but seeing him in action was . . . yowza. She looked over at River to make sure the level of hotness hadn’t put her into labor and realized River wasn’t impressed—she was horrified. And maybe a little scared. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” She shook her head. “It’s the uniform. I mean, he’s not wearing it right now, but it doesn’t matter because he’s still all badass don’t-mess-with-me cop, you know? Makes you nervous as hell, doesn’t it? Like, he could decide to arrest you at any moment and lock away the key.” She paused and then grimaced at Alyssa’s and Lanie’s brows-up expressions. “Just me?”
“Cops make you nervous,” Lanie said carefully, not wanting to scare River off from talking about herself, but the truth was they were all insanely curious about her, as she’d said next to nothing about her background.
Not that Lanie was any better . . .
“Very nervous,” River said.
“
My brother would never do anything to scare or hurt you,” Alyssa said, bouncing up and down a little as she talked, trying to soothe a now-irritated Elsa. “Well, unless you ate the last of Mom’s brownies. He really likes those.” She was obviously teasing and just as obviously trying to put River at ease.
But River didn’t look quite there yet.
Since Elsa was still fussing, Alyssa pulled her free of the wrap. “Here,” she said to Lanie. “Hold this a sec.” And then she thrust the annoyed little wiggleworm at Lanie.
Lanie automatically took her and then tried not to panic. “Um, I don’t know what to do with a baby.”
Alyssa looked amused. “Well, you pull her in closer to you, for one thing. She’s not a stink bomb.”
Right. Lanie did just that, settling the baby against her chest and shoulder like she’d seen Mark do.
Elsa stared up at her, not sure if she was pleased or pissed.
Alyssa grabbed a wing. “You’ve had bad experiences with cops?” she asked River.
River reached over and patted Elsa’s back with a soft smile for the baby. “Where I grew up, a cop sniffing in your business was nothing but trouble.”
“Was it just you and your mom growing up?”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t imagine how tough that was when she passed away,” Lanie said quietly.
“It wasn’t all bad. I waitressed at the truck stop and the other waitresses were really nice to me. I had all the food I could want and they let me couch surf when I needed.”
“And when you didn’t couch surf?”
She looked away and Lanie’s heart sank for the girl River had been. “You don’t have to tell us.”
River gave her a small smile. “It’s funny how easy it is to remove those memories from my mind right now with a great job and a roof over my head, you know?”
Lanie had never suffered for money like River had. Things had been tight after leaving home. She’d had to get loans for college and there’d been months and months where she’d lived paycheck to paycheck. But even so, she’d never worried about not having a bed or food.
“Things are really good right now,” River said softly, her hands on her baby bump.